Vindictive husband?

[MustBeMadness]

NC for this

Had a row with DH this morning. DD5 was acting up...he turned on me and blamed my lack of discipline with her. DD is a lovely, well-behaved child & I rarely need to correct her. So this morning was one of those rare times when she refused to cooperate when getting ready to leave.

I reacted by ranting back at him - not ideal, but my patience wasn't great (AF cramps, painkillers hadn't kicked in).
Anyway, following this row, I hung out the washing, did the school run and went to work.
I'd brought coffee from home - DH always brews a pot in the morning. This morning, my travel mug had already been filled, so I grabbed it as I left. Got to work and took a sip of coffee to realise my cup contained dirty cold water, instead of coffee.
He's never been vindictive towards me before - passive aggressive sometimes, but never anything that would cause me to mistrust him.
AIBU to treat this as a sign of something very wrong in our marriage? Or am I totally overreacting?

Specter - it is possible to put your view across without calling people with opposing views 'losers'

Kedgeree - do you not know what the 'slit' is?

@Kedgeree - sadly 'slit' in this context refers to labia/vagina. It hails from the porn/sexual slang world of words with extra connotations when its used. So fizzy at the slit suggests a woman is overly sexually aroused.

I've never heard a doctor say "oh she's fizzy at the slit " and I hope I never do
I do think the coffee thing is rather a nasty gesture which is incredibly childish - it's whether it's a one off wanky act or a show of disrespect - only the OP knows the answer to this as she lives with him.
I think a lot of posters are very aware how these seemingly minor acts can demonstrate an inherent disrespect for someone which can turn into bigger acts. Hence the reaction here.
It may not be the case here but alas only the OP and time will tell.

He isn't normally like that. He's finally apologised. Drama over.

I suspect he apologised because he wanted OP to do something for him.

No other reason.

The git.

He apologised only because he needed help from the OP.

Every other attempt to resolve the problem has been met with anger and blame directed at the OP.

The fact that you say he 'has the capacity' to be a good husband and father suggests that he could be , but isn't.

I don't know how you begin to re-establish trust in a relationship where your partner deliberately interferes with your food and drink. That's not a hilarious prank, and it clearly wasn't a misunderstanding, because the husband admitted it. There's something very odd indeed about someone who seeks to punish a loved one by getting them to ingest something dirty and potentially unsafe.

@Jux yes I agree with you. Specter was saying it wasn't vindictive, but then called posters vindictive. Which didn't really make sense.

Mmmm I don't think that's a real apology..

That will get worse over time.

I feel so bad for you, id do nothing for them and reconsider if you want such a asshat in your life for life??

Kedgeree it will be because you quoted a deleted post, not a criticism of your post.

And no, I didn't know what "slit" is, why would I? It's nothing to be ashamed of fgs.

That was a deeply perfunctory sorry purely because he needed something from you. Kudos to you for taking the higher road and covering though, I wouldn't have.

Kedgeree it will be because you quoted a deleted post, not a criticism of your post.

Must be the same with my deleted post, then. It certainly wasn't offensive.

So do I make him a sandwich for lunch, with a note inside it thanking him for my coffee & we laugh about it some day? Or am I in trouble here? Make a sandwich with a paper napkin in it instead of filling.

It’s a nasty, sky thing to do. Also the ‘apology’ is forced and minimal.
The whole act is designed to put you in your place by showing you he can ruin your ‘treat’ if he chooses to. I think it symbolises something far deeper - sorry OP.

No, don't make a sandwich with a note in the middle. That would validate the 'joke' and possibly escalate it, because it's now a joke and you find it funny; what else can I do...

It's not funny, it's not meant to be a joke and it shouldn't be taken as such. It's a twattish thing to do to someone you love. I'd be making sure that I didn't take anything off him that he'd made, ever again. No more 'coffee', no food, nothing.

It may be PA, but it shows him that there are consequences, and the consequence of this twattishness is a lack of trust. Not a lack of a sense of humour.

You may 'laugh about it in years to come' but not because it was a 'funny' thing to do.

Yes blueeyes I think sneaky is the word. To do something sneaky against the person who is supposed to be your life partner, who is supposed to have your back as you are supposed to have theirs, just because you are angry with them... I would find it it very hard to get past that. I would be asking myself what kind of person they really were, what that said about the person I thought I had married.

And for me an apology would have to include a sincere promise to try to do better in future. A promise to try to express anger in a better way, and to resolve conflicts and disagreements in a mature way. (Which also means that disagreements about parenting are never in front of the child - that undermines each other's authority) And certainly never again in that kind of sneaky way. Otherwise it really would call the whole relationship into question.

It's classic "putting someone in their place that's gotten above themselves". The clear implication being that he thinks the correct place for you is below him.

Even when my dh and I argue I still love him.
Your dh's actions are those of someone who actively dislikes you.

The incident with the coffee was petty and spiteful, the lunch invitation that turned into minimising your distress made things even worse. If he doesn’t normally behave like this then is something else going on? Is he having problems at work, money issues, and/or seeing someone? If someone after 20 years starts escalating arguments and behaving vindictively it may be that they are projecting their issues over something else onto their partner - feeling they have no control at work for example, so going overboard on control at home – or trying to make it seem that their partner is a problem so they don’t have to feel guilty about something they’re doing/have done that they shouldn’t have. I would want to get to the bottom of this and find out what’s really going on.

Mentioned this to my DH as thought it was a weird way for someone's partner to behave, his spontaneous response was "So, he's having an affair."