Vindictive husband?

[MustBeMadness]

NC for this

Had a row with DH this morning. DD5 was acting up...he turned on me and blamed my lack of discipline with her. DD is a lovely, well-behaved child & I rarely need to correct her. So this morning was one of those rare times when she refused to cooperate when getting ready to leave.

I reacted by ranting back at him - not ideal, but my patience wasn't great (AF cramps, painkillers hadn't kicked in).
Anyway, following this row, I hung out the washing, did the school run and went to work.
I'd brought coffee from home - DH always brews a pot in the morning. This morning, my travel mug had already been filled, so I grabbed it as I left. Got to work and took a sip of coffee to realise my cup contained dirty cold water, instead of coffee.
He's never been vindictive towards me before - passive aggressive sometimes, but never anything that would cause me to mistrust him.
AIBU to treat this as a sign of something very wrong in our marriage? Or am I totally overreacting?

The op admits she gave him a bit of abuse and in return he ..

You must have read a different op from me; I didn't see anywhere where she gave him abuse or said she did. She only defended herself when he attached her about her parenting, because he couldn't take a bit if acting up from their young child (who's normally very well behaved).

And filling her cup with cold water, knowing she'd think it was coffee was spiteful and vindictive.

• attacked

Okay, so I met him at lunchtime. No apology - he just launched into planning for things that need to be done this afternoon. When I aired my disgust and disappointment in his behaviour, he told me to get over it.

He had a go at me again over this mornings argument. Told me to go lie down as I'm clearly not in my right mind to be so annoyed over the coffee incident.

Lots of cross words and he's gone off to work now. I don't normally make a big deal out of things, but this time I'm really angry and an apology would've gone a long way.

I hate to pull this card ... but this is definitely a case of where if the OP had posted "DH and I had a stupid row over usual stressful morning stuff, and he ended up ranting and raving at me and getting very hot and bothered. WIBU to put cold water in his coffee mug to help him "cool off" rather than the coffee I usually put in it?" ... I pretty much guarantee that most of the answers would be "do it!!" (and most of the rest would be questioning why you make his morning coffee).

Annoying but if he feels bad and wants to make up then it's not really so awful. Don't make more of it than it is and don't try to take the moral high ground if you don't deserve it.

You were impatient and ranting this morning. None of us were there to see things objectively but it's possible you were more antagonistic and abusive than he was. He filled your coffee cup with cold water - childish but really no big deal. If you see this as sinister you are over reacting (again?).

Wow.. he's minimising your feelings OP, what a dick head. I would not be letting this go!

Even if he DID mean it as a joke (which clearly he did not), one should not minimise hurt feelings of the recipient! Wow.

And no, RedSky I would not be encouraging a spiteful revenge because it's nasty.

RedSkyLastNight Yes!

RedSkyLastNight And that thread would have been inaccurate. They did not have a row over usual stressful stuff.
Read what the OP actually says and stop minimising what has actually happened.

OP he did not apologise because he does not think he has done anything wrong. He thinks he was right to criticise your parenting because your 5 year old acted up for a change, and he thinks he was right to take revenge for you standing up for yourself.

He had a go at me again over this mornings argument. Told me to go lie down as I'm clearly not in my right mind to be so annoyed over the coffee incident.

Go lie down? Clearly not in your right mind?

Um, okay.

See, for me, someone doesn't get to tell me how I ought to feel about what they say and do, or how I ought to respond.

If I have pissed someone off, or upset them, I apologise for it. I expect people who care about me, who piss me off, or upset me, to do the same. Not to minimise or further attack me. Let alone NOT apologise to me.

Whatever he needed to get done this afternoon, I hope it didn't necessitate you having to contribute to it.

It sounds as if you normally let things he says slide.He doesn't like that your standing up for yourself.

I'm afraid I'd never ever forgive him for that, neither would I forget, and I would never trust him again. I'd also need an apology before I could move on

Scary

What a nasty horrible thing to do. There is no excuse for that. Completely unacceptable behaviour.

So he put cold water in your coffee cup and people are saying things like

That made my blood run cold Talk about an over-reaction.

Ueah, he was childish, not a nice thing to do, but really?? LTB?? Calm down, people. I thik the more worrying thing is the way he's refusing to apoligise nad carryingno the argument.

Sorry for the typos - msg posted before I proofread.

So it was kind of orangey, and it tasted faintly of coffee. It wasn’t scooped up out of the toilet after he’d done a piss was it? I’d put a tenner on it being pissy bog water OP.

God, I love Mumsnet.

thegreatcrestednewt

No he didn't put cold water in her coffee cup.

Patronising and dismissive arse telling you to go and have a lie down, bonus points for the not in your right mind comment, all you need now is hysterical, hormonal, wrong time of the month and you'll have the full bingo card.

Oliversmumsarmy

That's what OP said on page 1! What was it then??

For the PP who say it’s funny: messing with your DP’s food or drinks after a fight is never funny.
Its downright creepy.

She said clearly that it was dirty water.

What am I minimising? A small child behaved badly in the morning, which tends to be stressful because people are focused on getting out to work and school. Neither DH or OP handle it very well. On a different day or if they'd been less stressed it might have been different.

Perhaps I'm missing the point of this thread because I'm not a coffee drinker, but I can't see that putting cold water rather than coffee in someone's mug is really the most dreadful thing that ever happened. In fact I'd say that ranting at your husband (presumably in front of your small child) is much worse ... but everyone seems to be minimising that?

Nasty, immature behaviour.

So he's a nasty dick.

How long have you been together?

Is DD your only child?

Looks like you're getting to know one side of your so-called life partner that he's managed to keep under wraps until now.