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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Vindictive husband?

348 replies

MustBeMadness · 20/05/2019 12:06

NC for this

Had a row with DH this morning. DD5 was acting up...he turned on me and blamed my lack of discipline with her. DD is a lovely, well-behaved child & I rarely need to correct her. So this morning was one of those rare times when she refused to cooperate when getting ready to leave.

I reacted by ranting back at him - not ideal, but my patience wasn't great (AF cramps, painkillers hadn't kicked in).
Anyway, following this row, I hung out the washing, did the school run and went to work.
I'd brought coffee from home - DH always brews a pot in the morning. This morning, my travel mug had already been filled, so I grabbed it as I left. Got to work and took a sip of coffee to realise my cup contained dirty cold water, instead of coffee.
He's never been vindictive towards me before - passive aggressive sometimes, but never anything that would cause me to mistrust him.
AIBU to treat this as a sign of something very wrong in our marriage? Or am I totally overreacting?

OP posts:
AndItStillSaidFourOfTwo · 20/05/2019 21:05

I think he called you home at lunchtime to hammer home the message that you were to suck this up. The not discussing the incident at all was entirely deliberate. And he got nasty when you tried to insist on an apology.

The text apology this evening was expedient, no more.

Dh and I are really not perfect people. We get on each other's nerves. We make each other angry sometimes. But the very idea that either of us would even think of pulling the coffee stunt (or an equivalent) on the other - it's just not in our universe. As it shouldn't be.

calpoppincalpol · 20/05/2019 22:11

Thats bad op. What if he pees in your coffee next time?

strawberrisc · 20/05/2019 22:42

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Horsemenoftheaclopalypse · 20/05/2019 22:56

I think he called you home at lunchtime to hammer home the message that you were to suck this up. The not discussing the incident at all was entirely deliberate. And he got nasty when you tried to insist on an apology.

This.

His behaviour is not okay and you did not get a proper apology

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 20/05/2019 23:14

He texted back 'Thanks and I'm sorry'.

So not really an apology at all then. At best a tickbox exercise so that he could move on and forget his bad behaviour ever happened, the way he usually does. At worst the kind of manipulation that MsBinz and others have raised.

Either way YANBU that it is a sign of something very wrong with your marriage. And something that has been bubbling away under the surface for a long time and has escalated today. Sad

Peopleshouldread · 20/05/2019 23:19

I think this is not good at all, and what I wonder ( sorry OP) is if he has actually done similar things to the OP previously and she has not noticed.

While I would definitely ask for an apology, I 'd also be asking very seriously if he has acted to "punish" the OP after any other arguments.
There are a few posters describing things like -rendering the DH's toothbrush a toilet cleaner and asking if maybe he's peed in her coffee before , I'd add to the list of juvenile , vindictive stunts with - shoving food items down pants before serving, spitting in a drink, wiping dishes out with deliberately filthy dishcloths and using the result to serve food to the OP ,( I could go on - I had some very childish flatmates in my 20's). What's to say this twat has not done more of these types of petty revenges previously to the OP? How can she be sure?

I'd be absolutely furious and probably very paranoid about any kind of food stuff the guy prepared for me (post an argument) that hadn't been in my visual range the entire preparation time.

He only apologised to get the OP to do what he wanted. Not good enough.

givemesteel · 20/05/2019 23:19

OP, take a step back and think about the implications of this act. He's done something to trick you to 'teach you a lesson', to sabotage you (albeit in a minor way).

What's next when he next disagrees with how you've behaved? Can you really trust him? Would he do something like this to your kids to 'teach them a lesson'?

I would expect someone to do this sort of thing to me if they actually hated me. I couldn't imagine doing this to someone I loved or cared for, or even to someone I was neutral about.

You've got a few hundred posts of people being pretty creeped out by your husband's actions. Don't just brush this under the carpet and ignore it.

ACPC · 20/05/2019 23:36

Fucking hell. Cancel the cheque Confused

ElijahOrKlaus · 20/05/2019 23:49

Wow. Mumsnet at its finest here.
Omfg op, he put cold water in your coffee cup! Shit, he sounds like a right abusive prick, ltb at once! ConfusedHmm
On a more realistic note, he thought he was being funny, you didn't. He isn't normally like that. He's finally apologised. Drama over.

theOtherPamAyres · 21/05/2019 00:03

Did he have a little chuckle to himself as you walked out of the house with your cup of filthy water (after pegging out the washing and doing the school run!)?

Lizzie48 · 21/05/2019 00:04

Except that he didn’t really apologise. He said the words, but only because he wanted her to do something for him.

I don’t think he was trying to be funny. He didn’t react to her confronting him by saying that it was meant as a joke. It was a vindictive response to her standing up for herself.

Then later, when they did talk, he told her that she was hysterical and should have a lie down. He also didn’t apologise at that point. I would feel differently about this if he had genuinely apologised at that point; he would then have come across as a mostly decent husband and dad who had behaved in a childish way but had apologised.

It’s noticeable that the OP says he never actually apologises, just makes out that he has, so that’s a form of gaslighting. She says they sort things out, but they don’t really; he doesn’t apologise but pretends he has then she backs down and it then gets buried under the carpet.

Today she stood up for herself and he didn’t like it, that’s how it comes across to me anyway.

Durgasarrow · 21/05/2019 03:20

Ugly

SpecterLitt · 21/05/2019 04:11

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fghkhfdryjkv · 21/05/2019 04:17

I don't think specter knows what vindictive actually means, and has much lower standards than other people.

SpecterLitt · 21/05/2019 04:24

@fghkhfdryjkv I can assure you I perfectly know what it means, and you do not know me to judge what my standards are so sit back down. Perhaps you may want to look in to it more and address your mindset if you think this incident is so sinister and vindictive as so many are pleading.

I'm just not a drama queen or someone that wants to give horrible advice to another that could ruin their life. Most of you around here foam at the mouth at the opportunity to create drama and stir.

Her husband was stupid and immature, yes, but he was not vindictive. There's been no mention of previous behaviour that has been troubling or anything that really raises alarm bells. They had a stupid argument, he behaved in a immature manner, wife got upset, he owned up to it, now they need to talk and I'm sure they will be fine. She can also turn this around and make it a petty joke where she can say she will get him back for this.

Un-clench, some of you seriously need to.

echt · 21/05/2019 04:28

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echt · 21/05/2019 04:31

Should have elaborated, is this the the way you downgrade concerns ( not ones I agree with her, BTW) and make it a body issue, like hysteria? As if women do this because they have cunts, not minds and opinions?

Gardai · 21/05/2019 06:00

@strawberrisc - fucking gross language yuk, I’m cringing for you.

CarolDanvers · 21/05/2019 06:10

There some utterly hateful language directed at MNetters and women in general, on this thread. I have to wonder why those people are even here when the find the site and the women on it so repellant.

fghkhfdryjkv · 21/05/2019 06:45

@SpecterLitt really because you sound pretty dramatic right now.

But yeah, you don't know what vindictive means.

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 21/05/2019 06:54

Her husband was stupid and immature, yes, but he was not vindictive. There's been no mention of previous behaviour that has been troubling or anything that really raises alarm bells.

His previously behaviour includes consistently refusing to to apologise while claiming that he has, and that rings my alarm bells, even though it doesn't ring yours.

She can also turn this around and make it a petty joke where she can say she will get him back for this.

She can't make it a joke, either it was or it wasn't. And he didn't act is if it was. Yes she could retaliate in an equally unpleasant passive-aggressive way but I'm not sure how that would improve the quality of their marriage. Pretending that spiteful digs are jokes is not normally a recipe for a happy marriage. If that's how your marriage works I can understand why other people's responses to it have pushed your buttons. It must be pretty unpleasant for you to see how that looks to outsiders.

RockinHippy · 21/05/2019 07:15

Are you sure, sounds more like someone washed the cup out & filled it up to give it a shake/let it steep & got distracted or has forgotten to finish washing it. My first thoughts if this happened to me wouldn't be OMG vindictive DH did it, but oh feck, I should have checked

FuckBrussel · 21/05/2019 07:17

Oh well, at least this thread gives MNetters a chance to get all fizzy at the slit about gaslighting

What a revolting phrase.

Lizzie48 · 21/05/2019 07:31

RockinHippy it wasn’t a mistake. Her DH admitted that he did it on purpose.

Jux · 21/05/2019 07:33

fghkhfdryjkv, what does vindictive mean, then? The definition I'm familiar with is "having or showing a strong or unreasoning desire for revenge" and what OP's dh did seems pretty close to that. Followed by an attempt at retrospective justification followed by the poorest mock apology.

I'd be fucked off if my dh behaved like that over the course of one day. Even with 20+ years of marriage.

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