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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Vindictive husband?

348 replies

MustBeMadness · 20/05/2019 12:06

NC for this

Had a row with DH this morning. DD5 was acting up...he turned on me and blamed my lack of discipline with her. DD is a lovely, well-behaved child & I rarely need to correct her. So this morning was one of those rare times when she refused to cooperate when getting ready to leave.

I reacted by ranting back at him - not ideal, but my patience wasn't great (AF cramps, painkillers hadn't kicked in).
Anyway, following this row, I hung out the washing, did the school run and went to work.
I'd brought coffee from home - DH always brews a pot in the morning. This morning, my travel mug had already been filled, so I grabbed it as I left. Got to work and took a sip of coffee to realise my cup contained dirty cold water, instead of coffee.
He's never been vindictive towards me before - passive aggressive sometimes, but never anything that would cause me to mistrust him.
AIBU to treat this as a sign of something very wrong in our marriage? Or am I totally overreacting?

OP posts:
EKGEMS · 20/05/2019 15:22

So Thecatdidsay what about blaming her for childish behavior of their daughter? What about his vindictive behavior and pettiness? What about the non apology?

WhoKnewBeefStew · 20/05/2019 15:23

So you had a row this morning, he had a go about your parenting (we don’t know what was said) and you ranted at him and given the impression you might have over reacted) he then put cold water in your coffee cup. Tbh I’m surprised you even thought you’d get a coffee from him (I’d not have made you one). It’s hardly battery acid in there. He probably thought it would be mildly amusing. I’m not seeing the severity everyone else is, if your marriage is normally good.

Kedgeree · 20/05/2019 15:24

He knows he's in the wrong, he wants the OP to let him off so he doesn't have to feel the feelings he's got now and because she hasn't done that he's got cross again. He's cross because she's just not getting it, in his view. She made him feel bad this morning by allowing the DD to disobey / mess about, she made him feel bad by not taking the joke about the "coffee" and she's made him feel bad again by not backing down. He's not a happy bunny and he's going to keep pressing until divine right order (as he sees it) is restored.

You're in for a bumpy ride OP. I'd fasten my seatbelt if I were you.

mbosnz · 20/05/2019 15:25

Wow. . .'practically dying'. . . a touch of the hyperbole right there, don't you think?

Guess some people have higher standards and expectations of behaviour both for themselves AND their partners than others.

He filled her mug with dirty water. Not as a lighthearted prank. But to teach her a lesson. Because he didn't like being argued with. When pulled up on that, and told she was annoyed and upset about it, he doubled down on that, patronising her, belittling her, and minimising his poor behaviour. Yeah. Well, okay, I wouldn't be having fun with that.

What else has he done that she doesn't know about, when she pissed him off? Has he already cleaned the toilet bowl with her toothbrush? Or is that next on the cards? What about with DD?

Supergrassyknoll · 20/05/2019 15:25

Jesus you poor thing, what a spiteful cunt. This has made my stomach knit. You needed cooling down? That's actually abusive and extremely nasty. Has he done anything like it before?

MumUndone · 20/05/2019 15:25

I wish people would RTFT. OP said the travel mug was clean. So the water isn't dirty because the mug was dirty.

OP, your OH blamed you for your DD's behaviour, he filled your mug with water (or something) as an act of spite (not as a humorous practical joke) and now it's your fault for being cross about it??

This sounds like a relationship in trouble. He really does not like or respect you at all.

Purplecatshopaholic · 20/05/2019 15:26

He sounds a bit of a twat but its probably not the end of the world - how about a conversation about things....? I agree if he does this, what else has he done.....?

mbosnz · 20/05/2019 15:27

how about a conversation about things

There was. It didn't go so well.

JenMumma · 20/05/2019 15:28

Put sugar in his sandwiches and when he asks why say "you need sweetening up".
Better yet put rubbish in his lunchbox and when he asks why say "you need fucking binning" xx

GlitterPixie · 20/05/2019 15:29

I really think this and the response you got from him are quite chilling. The thin end of the wedge of controlling abusive behavior

ACPC · 20/05/2019 15:29

Op has been quite clear it wasn't a prank, it was vindictive so yes not a good sign for the marriage imho. You can be angry at someone without wanting to hurt them.

TheCatDidSay · 20/05/2019 15:32

The op changed it from dirty water to the following

It was orange in colour...but smelled like really watered down coffee. Didn't taste great, but not horrendous either.

That sounds like an unwashed cup filled up with cold water. Not going to harm anyone.

PanamaPattie · 20/05/2019 15:32

This will not end well. He has shown you his real side and he has also shown you what he really thinks of you - you are a silly woman and you need to be put in your place. Any bad behaviour by the DC is your fault. Any weakness or failure is your fault. You need to know that I'm the boss. You will do as I say.

Time to make plans OP, without him in your lives.

longtimelurkerhelen · 20/05/2019 15:34

IT'S NOT ABOUT THE COFFEE/WATER

It the intent behind it. ffs

ScottishDoll · 20/05/2019 15:34

DD5 was acting up...he turned on me and blamed my lack of discipline with her. DD is a lovely, well-behaved child & I rarely need to correct her. Sets you up.

He's never been vindictive towards me before - passive aggressive Escalates.

I've texted him and asked what was in my coffee cup. He said 'cold water'. I asked why and he said I needed cooling down. Undermines.

He's admitted it was childish, wants to clear the air and has asked me to come home for lunch Sets you up.

No apology...he told me to get over it... had a go at me again over this mornings argument. Told me to go lie down as I'm clearly not in my right mind ... cross words and he's gone off to work now Undermines. Escalates.

You are being set up OP, I would bet money on it.

Is he angling to leave or has he a night out or trip planned that he wants to be free and single for?

Think, he criticised and undermined your parenting in front of dc.

Set you up by pranking your coffee.

Manipulated you into coming back so he could rile you further.

Then fucked off and left you to it after having made doubly sure you would have the shit of all shit days.

Check all joint bank accounts and lock em down if you can.

HappyRoots · 20/05/2019 15:36

JenMumma Mon 20-May-19 15:28:12
Better yet put rubbish in his lunchbox and when he asks why say "you need fucking binning" xx

hahahahaha

Atalune · 20/05/2019 15:38

He was nasty- it could have been intended as a prank a bit of a nasty one but it was not taken as such.

At best it was I’ll informed retaliation, and a simple apology would have smoothed it over.

At worst he had some very negative feelings towards you.

If it’s the later, then yes you’re in trouble.

Sorry, op Flowers

Bookworm4 · 20/05/2019 15:46

sinister, scary, frightening, leave
MN out in force clutching pearls today!
Yes he was an arse, these comments are ridiculously over the top, seriously he admitted he done it, does nobody on MN ever get pissed off/angry? 🙄

Thurmanmurman · 20/05/2019 15:46

I think some posters need to calm down. OK it was a shit practical, joke but LTB? Really?

DroningOn · 20/05/2019 15:49

Huge red flag OP.

PickAChew · 20/05/2019 15:49

Wow, he's really got an agenda here, hasn't he? He's digging in deeper as the day goes on.

I may have missed this, but is he your dd's father? Why is her acting up your responsibility and not his?

aprilshowers12 · 20/05/2019 15:50

It sounds as if this man doesn’t like you much OP.
I was married for 20 years. I can say hand on heart that, although we had our share of arguments particularly when we had small children, my now ex would never, ever have done anything so spiteful.
I wish you well with whatever you decide to do but am imagining it’ll be brushed under that carpet until the next time you don’t behave as he’d like. Be very careful

thegreatcrestednewt · 20/05/2019 15:50

YY, Bookworm4 and Thumanmurman. People are frothing. I don't understand it.

mbosnz · 20/05/2019 15:51

He admitted he did it, is not in the slightest bit apologetic, does not see anything wrong with what he did, and in fact, got angry with OP for being angry about it.

I get pissed off and angry - I argue with my husband. He argues back. He doesn't indulge in some nasty, sly, purile, 'prank' to let me know what he thinks of my having the temerity to argue with him.

I have to say that if DH did that to me, I'd wonder what else he'd done that I might not have picked up on. Or what he might do in the future. I wouldn't know where his line was for 'punishing/pranking' me. That would make it quite hard for me to trust him. Which would make me consider whether there was much future in the relationship - because if you haven't got trust, you really don't have a lot, do you?

JenMumma · 20/05/2019 15:55

@HappyRoots 😂 Admittedly I'm always up for a ruckus though 😂😂🤷🏼‍♀️

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