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AIBU?

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Original poster

Vindictive husband?

348 replies

MustBeMadness · 20/05/2019 12:06

NC for this

Had a row with DH this morning. DD5 was acting up...he turned on me and blamed my lack of discipline with her. DD is a lovely, well-behaved child & I rarely need to correct her. So this morning was one of those rare times when she refused to cooperate when getting ready to leave.

I reacted by ranting back at him - not ideal, but my patience wasn't great (AF cramps, painkillers hadn't kicked in).
Anyway, following this row, I hung out the washing, did the school run and went to work.
I'd brought coffee from home - DH always brews a pot in the morning. This morning, my travel mug had already been filled, so I grabbed it as I left. Got to work and took a sip of coffee to realise my cup contained dirty cold water, instead of coffee.
He's never been vindictive towards me before - passive aggressive sometimes, but never anything that would cause me to mistrust him.
AIBU to treat this as a sign of something very wrong in our marriage? Or am I totally overreacting?

OP posts:
Moodyfoodie · 20/05/2019 13:52

God that is nasty.

MrsMozartMkII · 20/05/2019 13:53

I'd go and talk to him.

It would be made extremely clear that if it, or along the same lines, was to happen again then he'd be kicked to the curb.

Moralitym1n1 · 20/05/2019 13:55

It would be made extremely clear that if it, or along the same lines, was to happen again then he'd be kicked to the curb.

Problem is - how would you know what someone like that would do and how would you detect it.

MrsMozartMkII · 20/05/2019 13:58

Good question Moral. I think I'd be playing it by ear.

I freely admit I'm only guessing at how I think I'd react.

AnneTwackie · 20/05/2019 13:58

So he usually makes you a coffee and a piece of toast to go but this morning you’d snapped at him so he gave you water? No big deal to me.

Notabedofroses · 20/05/2019 13:59

I would also like to know why your five year old is expected to behave impeccably all of the time? No child could do that.

The dressing down about your dd, and your coffee indicates something far deeper is wrong op. Are you all expected to be impeccable?

clairemcnam · 20/05/2019 13:59

OP you are angry. Trust your own feelings around this. You have every right to be furious.

quizqueen · 20/05/2019 14:00

Had the mug been soaking overnight and he hadn't put fresh coffee in it yet and you assumed he had? You need to ask him if he forgot or if it was on purpose and then decide your next move.

Sagradafamiliar · 20/05/2019 14:00

What next, is he going to run your toothbrush round the toilet rim? What a sad, spiteful fucker.
Don't know if the advice to avoid speaking to him is the way to go though, you're married to him so it needs sorting or it will fester.

AryaStarkWolf · 20/05/2019 14:01

I have a thing about people messing with other peoples food/drink. I mean it was cold water and if that's really all it was it's not too bad but things like spitting in food/drink or adding something gross just makes me really uncomfortable. Even the cold water thing, because it was done in anger and because of an argument, it makes me uncomfortable, like he was trying to take you down a peg or two by humiliating you? Maybe that's an over reaction but it just doesn't sit right with me

mbosnz · 20/05/2019 14:03

I think given how you're feeling right now, it might be a good idea not to go home and have a 'proper' coffee.

I'd be texting back, 'I think, given just how angry I am with you right now, it's best if I don't. We will discuss this tonight after DD goes to bed. I want you to really think about how you'd feel if I treated you in such a manner, before we discuss this.'

That is disgraceful, and a major breach of trust. He also doesn't sound particularly sorry about it at all.

StoppinBy · 20/05/2019 14:03

I am just over here hoping that you make him a sandwich with a piece of cardboard that you labelled as ham ha.

It sounds like he made a stupid decision and regrets it now. If you hadn't been arguing I would have found it funny but given the circumstances then he sounds like he was being mean rather than joking and that's not ok.

I would hardly call it sinister though, it was a cup of coffee, easily replaced and not as if he was planning her funeral.

The water was probably orange from your cup which perhaps needs a good scrub.

clairemcnam · 20/05/2019 14:07

It was mean. Meanness is a sinister sign in a relationship.

diddl · 20/05/2019 14:07

It wasn't just cold water though was it?

He sounds scary tbh.

She needs to cool down so I'll put cold (dirty?) water in her cup?

What kind of twisted fuck thinks like that?

girlwithadragontattoo · 20/05/2019 14:08

Easy, next time you do washing and you DP's stuff is going in don't, just soak it in the sink Wink

Bluntness100 · 20/05/2019 14:09

Well that's not attractive is it. It's like something an immature kid would do to their mates for revenge. I'd be imagining him in the kitchen secretly doing it.

For me it shows some unpleasant character traits that I couldn't find attractive and would put me right off.

bobstersmum · 20/05/2019 14:09

Sat reading this with my mouth open, not for what he did, but for the huge amount of comments calling him sinister and calling for counselling etc! Just what fucking planet are you all on? The op admits she gave him a bit of abuse and in return he filled her coffee cup with cold water. Oh. My. Word. It was disappointing for her that she didn't get her morning coffee. And that is all.

fedup21 · 20/05/2019 14:10

Cold water or dirty water?

What a twat.

Oliversmumsarmy · 20/05/2019 14:10

For those people who haven't RTFT.

It wasn't just water. It was dirty water.

And he has said he did it deliberately not as a practical joke.

diddl · 20/05/2019 14:11

"It was an immature and thoughtless reaction,"-does that excuse it (even if it were so?)

Some of us wouldn't want to be with immature, thoughtless people.

clairemcnam · 20/05/2019 14:14

bobstermum You are minimising what actually happened.

HopelesslydevotedtoGu · 20/05/2019 14:16

I imagine he added clean cold water, but the cup was not washed and that made it orangey/ dirty looking after a few hours. Still a stupid petty thing for him to do, but a big difference between "cold water as you need to cool down" (petty, childish, annoying) and purposefully giving you dirty water to drink (vindictive, cruel). I hope it's the former.

mbosnz · 20/05/2019 14:17

I can imagine that DP will very likely say pretty much word for word what bobstermum said. Along with the potentially life limiting immortal classic 'calm down'.

wasthataburp · 20/05/2019 14:17

Is this these a wind up? You are taking it far too seriously. You had a row - woopty doo! Actually I think what he did with the coffee was quite funny and if it were me I'd do something funny like that to him tomorrow

clairemcnam · 20/05/2019 14:20

wasthataburp I am sad for you that you have no understanding of what a loving adult relationship looks like.

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