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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Vindictive husband?

348 replies

MustBeMadness · 20/05/2019 12:06

NC for this

Had a row with DH this morning. DD5 was acting up...he turned on me and blamed my lack of discipline with her. DD is a lovely, well-behaved child & I rarely need to correct her. So this morning was one of those rare times when she refused to cooperate when getting ready to leave.

I reacted by ranting back at him - not ideal, but my patience wasn't great (AF cramps, painkillers hadn't kicked in).
Anyway, following this row, I hung out the washing, did the school run and went to work.
I'd brought coffee from home - DH always brews a pot in the morning. This morning, my travel mug had already been filled, so I grabbed it as I left. Got to work and took a sip of coffee to realise my cup contained dirty cold water, instead of coffee.
He's never been vindictive towards me before - passive aggressive sometimes, but never anything that would cause me to mistrust him.
AIBU to treat this as a sign of something very wrong in our marriage? Or am I totally overreacting?

OP posts:
ILiveInSalemsLot · 20/05/2019 13:09

What an immature and spiteful man. I think you need to tell him that.

Antigon · 20/05/2019 13:10

@MadamMMA

Ahem......

Yes, I saw that post, but the poster advised that OP should leave opportunity to do it again. She didn't say she should just leave him.

Damntheman · 20/05/2019 13:11

Oh wow I managed to completely miss the update. OP I'm so sorry! What a vindictive nasty thing to do.

BlackeyedGruesome · 20/05/2019 13:11

Nobody saying leave?

Well now they are.

Start your exit plan asap.

Millie2018 · 20/05/2019 13:12

Ok so it was app that accidental. That’s pretty low. You’ve hung out the washing. You’ve done the school run. You’ve gone to work. And he did this to you? It’s mean and spiteful. Sorry OP. That’s not how you treat someone who’s busting a gut for their family.

MadamMMA · 20/05/2019 13:12

Sorry I thought LTB meant leave

Millie2018 · 20/05/2019 13:13
  • wasn’t accidental
KickAssAngel · 20/05/2019 13:13

IT would depend slightly on your relationship - if you generally play practical jokes on each other, and he did it while in a light-hearted mood - ha, ha, that'll col her off, then it's OK.

But it doesn't sound like that's the situation. You say he makes comments, and now he's gone one little step further.

If he apologises, and never does anything like this again, it's not so bad. If he thinks he has the right to treat you like this and punish you to bring you back into line, then that's a really big problem.

How unsettled you seem by this indicates that it's more likely to be a big problem than an attempt at humour on his side.

mamaoffourdc · 20/05/2019 13:13

I actually think this is quite funny! All of you telling op to leave need your own cup of cold water to cool down! Smile

Badwifey · 20/05/2019 13:15

I personally think you are all overreacting. It was a bit childish. You're all making out that it's really sinister.. like he's a serial killer or something ffs.

Op if he's generally a prick... ltb
If it's a one off thing... get over it.

elsabadogigante · 20/05/2019 13:17

That made my blood run cold.

GiveMyHeadPeaceffs · 20/05/2019 13:18

Honestly if my DP did that I'd tear him a new asshole when I next saw him. That was childish and nasty. I think I'd be looking for some space from him to get my head together and asking him to stay elsewhere for a few days.

Damntheman · 20/05/2019 13:19

Yes, I'm sure all the posters who think it's funny would be tickled pink to have such a practical joke played upon them when they're hurt and upset! Being kicked while you're down is sooooo amusing!

This kind of 'joke' is only funny if both parties find it funny (which they do not in this case) and it happens in a light mood (which this did not).

Notabedofroses · 20/05/2019 13:20

For it to be a joke, it actually needs to be funny. If that had been the case the dh would have said so, he has had the opportunity to explain and he didn't at any point say it was a joke. It was not intended to be a joke. It was intended to shock, it was intended to be horrible for op.

Eliza9919 · 20/05/2019 13:23

What are you going to do @MustBeMadness?

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 20/05/2019 13:23

I think his response is worse than what he did
I agree with this. He was punishing you. I also think that it would be a bad idea to play a prank on him in return- don't give him an excuse to escalate his behaviour. If one person isn't doing it in a light-hearted way, this sort of situation can quickly move from a rubbish joke, through spite and into violence.

Tinkobell · 20/05/2019 13:25

If he has no previous form for this kind of behaviour OP, I'd assume it was an early morning mess up, I really would. But obviously ask him tonight, gauge his reaction and then come back to us. You know him better than anyone else, not fair that a load of strangers on a thread hang him out to dry if this was just a domestic screw up.

Yeahyeahyeahyeeeeah · 20/05/2019 13:25

I’d be furious, who made him god?

bpirockin · 20/05/2019 13:26

I'm with badwifey, let's not make a mountain out of a molehill. It was an immature and thoughtless reaction, something a youngster might do and laugh about later.

I'd be looking at the relationship in general, questioning what was going on that he blamed you for your daughter's behaviour, to see if there is any pattern. If there is, then maybe you have a real problem.

If this was a new thing, which it would appear to be, then maybe there is something going on for him that you need to know about.

I'd be pissed off that he'd been so thoughtless as to start my day off with such an act, because it's hard to just let something like that go without knowing w hat/why it happened. Tell him that he ruined more than just your cup of coffee and take it from there.

Retaliation sounds "fun" and maybe if he is really dismissive of the upset caused then it could drum it home, but the reality is that it could escalate the situation. If he has form for this sort of mild PA behaviour then in my experience the best way forward is to not react as he hopes you will, rendering it pointless.

Shinyletsbebadguys · 20/05/2019 13:26

I think this entirely depends on your relationship and lifestyle.

I have certain things that really are make or break for me during the day...a history of anxiety and depression in my teens means I developed careful coping mechanisms. Probably some seem stupid yo others but nothing really odd or out there.

For me one of those is coffee in the morning , able to eat my lunch as getting tired and hungry is a huge spiralling trigger for me. I don't expect DP to help with these routines ( although he bless him often does) but if he screwed with them in anyway it would be a truly nasty thing to do.

However he knows which of my routines are important and which aren't. Hide my trainers before a run and he may well be dealing with a downturn of a good few days , eat the last biscuit and I couldn't give a toss.

But ultimately if he pulled something like this around my needed routines it would be a cruel act and that would seriously make me doubt him.

Unless a full apology and admitting he's a dick is forthcoming it would be a serious sit down chat and my DP knows he only gets one....do it again and that may well be the end

Talk to him about it , lay the boundaries and make it clear he very much crossed the line.

SunshineCake · 20/05/2019 13:27

He thinks he's above you. Nasty man. Shame you have a dd. He'll start on her next. Stop doing any domestic things for him.

OhioOhioOhio · 20/05/2019 13:28

Life is difficult enough without being booby trapped by your own h.

Tinkobell · 20/05/2019 13:28

OMG! ...so it was deliberate. Git. Not funny and frankly weird. He needs help. Tell him you swallowed, had stomach cramps, been in sick Bay most of the day - couldn't do your job. Tosser.

Shinyletsbebadguys · 20/05/2019 13:28

Mind you either way he would get a clear practically verbatim " forget everything else I am not a fucking child and you do not get to discipline me you jumped up arrogant moron " at the absolute least

MashedSpud · 20/05/2019 13:31

What’s next? Dead insects in sandwiches? Spitting in your coffee? Doing odd things with your toothbrush?

I’d be very concerned at his spiteful, childish behaviour.

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