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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Vindictive husband?

348 replies

MustBeMadness · 20/05/2019 12:06

NC for this

Had a row with DH this morning. DD5 was acting up...he turned on me and blamed my lack of discipline with her. DD is a lovely, well-behaved child & I rarely need to correct her. So this morning was one of those rare times when she refused to cooperate when getting ready to leave.

I reacted by ranting back at him - not ideal, but my patience wasn't great (AF cramps, painkillers hadn't kicked in).
Anyway, following this row, I hung out the washing, did the school run and went to work.
I'd brought coffee from home - DH always brews a pot in the morning. This morning, my travel mug had already been filled, so I grabbed it as I left. Got to work and took a sip of coffee to realise my cup contained dirty cold water, instead of coffee.
He's never been vindictive towards me before - passive aggressive sometimes, but never anything that would cause me to mistrust him.
AIBU to treat this as a sign of something very wrong in our marriage? Or am I totally overreacting?

OP posts:
BuildBuildings · 20/05/2019 12:55

Wow really shocking

MadamMMA · 20/05/2019 12:56

He put water in your coffee cup? Childish and petty but people telling you to leave him??

FizzyGreenWater · 20/05/2019 12:56

What is he like in general OP?

TBH the going off at you over a 5 year old's behaviour is not a good start anyway.

The cup thing is honestly a gamechanger though.

Kedgeree · 20/05/2019 12:57

He said 'cold water'. I asked why and he said I needed cooling down.
Ok, that's really bad. You're going to need a proper discussion with him about how he's not the boss of you, he doesn't get to decide how you display your emotions and that he needs some help if he can't over react to your responses. He needs to understand the irony of behaving like a naughty child when he's just had an argument about a naughty child...

Shamoo · 20/05/2019 12:57

@Antigon I wouldn’t even know where to start trying to find it, sorry. As I say I totally agree that it’s immature, passive aggressive and unpleasant behaviour. I’m not trying to minimise how the OP feels at all. But I’m just interested in the very different responses.

RantyAnty · 20/05/2019 12:58

So first he blames you for DD behaviour and when you stand up for yourself, he did something sinister and spiteful and came off as gloating about it.

He was definitely trying to put you in your place.
Fuck his sandwich. I'd make him leave for a couple of days.

Is he the type who can never admit he's wrong?

LakieLady · 20/05/2019 12:58

This really gave me the heebies - so spiteful, and calculating. And his response was sinister and controlling.

Mind you, it also made me feel like spiking his dinner with a serious laxative. He might not be so full of shit after that.

Onthebrink87 · 20/05/2019 12:58

This is very subjective, I'm my relationship this, or sending a slipper in a lunch box (anything rediculous) would be seen as a hilarious prank that we do enjoy indulging in (only being fully aware the other has very easy access to alternatives for lunch) so its different from one relationship to another. In this case, the fact you have posted for advice serves to prove that this isn't normal behaviour in your relationship. I wouldn't jump to calling in divorce lawyers, however I would insist on speaking about it and wanting a definitive and honest answer as to why you got met with murky piss in your coffee cup. If it was a mistake with a rational excuse, move on and maybe keep an eye on any similar behavior repeating itself after a row or disagreement.
If it comes to light that it was spite, I would make sure he knew exactly how cross I was and set firm boundaries (that suit you both) and also lay down in black and white, at what kind of consequence this behaviour will reap if it reacuurs and stixk to those boundaries as if written law! That way you will get a good idea of his level of respect for you.

Must add, I'm no psychologist or relationship counciler, but I have had the pleasure of a few bad relationships involving abusive men, and a narcasit too!

All the best op xx

QueenofPain · 20/05/2019 13:00

This is really disquieting.

Iwrotethissongfor · 20/05/2019 13:00

He sounds like a dick. Was it just cold water with the funny taste and colour because travel mugs always seem to get pretty horrible or was it dirty water? One is more of a dick than the other.

Fatasfooook · 20/05/2019 13:01

The fact that you think there’s a possibility that he did this on purpose means you already know you are married to a twat.

QueenofPain · 20/05/2019 13:01

Was it just cold water or actual dish water?

Dieu · 20/05/2019 13:02

That's so nasty and calculated, OP. Thanks

NewYoiker · 20/05/2019 13:03

He sounds horrible

HavelockVetinari · 20/05/2019 13:03

I think it's likely a stupid, childish prank rather than a sign he despises you. A dick move, but not divorce-worthy.

Tell him to stop being a childish prick and to come and apologise when he's feeling more like the adult he is.

Gruzinkerbell1 · 20/05/2019 13:03

What a cunt, and I don’t say that lightly.

It’s like something straight out of The Twits.

Antigon · 20/05/2019 13:04

@MadamMMA

He put water in your coffee cup? Childish and petty but people telling you to leave him??

No one said leave him Hmm People said confront him first, get counselling, ask him to leave for a few days. Stop misrepresenting what people said.

PurpleFlower1983 · 20/05/2019 13:04

Could it be he had put hot water in the night before to soak the travel cup and it had just been left in there?

Damntheman · 20/05/2019 13:05

Is it a percolator machine of the type that needs a rinse? Could he have used your travel mug to catch the rinse run off and forgotten to tip it out again?

Is there any chance at ALL that this may have been accidental? If there is then you need to give him the benefit of the doubt enough to have a calm face to face chat about what happened.

If he did it deliberately then I'd seriously consider my future, this kind of behaviour is a slippery slope, I'm sorry OP :(

Notabedofroses · 20/05/2019 13:05

I'd be quite worried about what else he had done/doing to get his own back. It shows he has a very dark side to him.

LazyLizzy · 20/05/2019 13:05

Could it be he had put hot water in the night before to soak the travel cup and it had just been left in there?

Read the OP updates, he has admitted it.

SureTry · 20/05/2019 13:06

That's really nasty and a line crossed for me. Not sure what you can do moving forward from this. It wouldn't even cross my mind to do something like that.

MadamMMA · 20/05/2019 13:07

Ahem......

If you confront him he'll just sent it and gaslight you. The only way you'll know for sure is to leave am opportunity for him to do it again thinking you don't know.

Then LTB.

Notabedofroses · 20/05/2019 13:07

And actually I think if it were my dh I would feel he despised me on some level, because this was not a joke or a light moment to laugh about. It comes across as revenge, a reminder to watch your back.

I would be doing just that from now on....shit.

Oliversmumsarmy · 20/05/2019 13:07

I think his response is worse than what he did

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