Vindictive husband?

[MustBeMadness]

NC for this

Had a row with DH this morning. DD5 was acting up...he turned on me and blamed my lack of discipline with her. DD is a lovely, well-behaved child & I rarely need to correct her. So this morning was one of those rare times when she refused to cooperate when getting ready to leave.

I reacted by ranting back at him - not ideal, but my patience wasn't great (AF cramps, painkillers hadn't kicked in).
Anyway, following this row, I hung out the washing, did the school run and went to work.
I'd brought coffee from home - DH always brews a pot in the morning. This morning, my travel mug had already been filled, so I grabbed it as I left. Got to work and took a sip of coffee to realise my cup contained dirty cold water, instead of coffee.
He's never been vindictive towards me before - passive aggressive sometimes, but never anything that would cause me to mistrust him.
AIBU to treat this as a sign of something very wrong in our marriage? Or am I totally overreacting?

@2stepsonthewater

I think we can make an educated guess based on the row they had before he did it.

I'm not basing it on my own experience, this has never happened to me. But being an adult, I can make a pretty good guess.

I also think LTB is way too extreme, but his actions do point to abuse and gaslighting.

One silly mean prank does not make him an unloveable monster.

But it's what happened afterwards. "Come home so we can clear the air" followed by all that nastiness?

After "Come home so we can clear the air" I'd expect contrition from him, an apology for having a go in the morning from me, then an apology for blaming me for DD's behaviour from him.... job done. Forgive and forget.

People don't normally ask their spouse to come home so they can first ignore what happened altogether and then tell them to get over it and have another go at them.

Usually if he's in the wrong, he will claim to have apologized at the time, but will not have done.

That is a form of gaslighting.

We generally just sort things out and move on.

You've been letting it slide for a long time. Which means you haven't really been sorting things out at all. Now he's crossed a line and you've actually tried to insist on an apology and he's turned really nasty. Bigger problem than it looked.

What have we missed op?

A perfectly decent lovely husband and father would never do this, so I feel there is a part of this story that is entirely missing where your dh is concerned.

It is not a joke, it is not funny, it is not a good idea to do the same back or worse, you will just escalate what is already beginning to sound like toxic behaviour. Make no mistake herwill go to great lengths to win a tit for tat situation between you. So, you are just left feeling vaguely uncomfortable that someone you loved and trusted is capable of being so spiteful towards you.

I don't buy the fact decent people do things like this, underneath his 'lovely' exterior is a very unlovely side to him that you have chosen to ignore or he has hidden from view.

Don't make his tea!

We've all said and done things we regret. Sometimes deeply. The way to move on from this is a big sincere apology.

Doesn't sound like he's used to giving an apology of any sort.

I'd be really upset. Not how a loving husband and father behaves.

More than the cold water, what I find disturbing about this is OP’s DH telling her to lie down for getting upset about it. I’ve had years of soon to be ex DH telling me I’m crazy, need to see a doctor, emotionally unstable just because I’ve had the temerity to be angry and upset with him at times. I know other men who do this to their wives and partners too. Why are they allowed to be angry with us and it’s all perfectly rational and understandable but when we express the same emotions, we are hysterical crazy women? The casual misogyny is staggering

Wow! The mass hysteria on here is staggering. If there has been no past behaviour along these lines (which OP says there hasn't been) then I would expect an apology and then move on (providing he does actually apologise).

From the OP I thought it initially sounded like an emotionally immature way of responding to what the DH thought was a lighthearted argument, making a childish joke of it to smooth it over rather than realising how upset the OP actually was.

I would be more worried about the way he reacted during their conversation during lunch, but only the OP knows whether he's usually defensive as an initial reaction when he knows he's been a dick, and admits it afterwards, or if he has a pattern for ignoring and belittling her feelings. Hope he owns this OP and it's a stupid one-off.

op
Your dh has admitted it, I wish you well . There is no excuse for this , non at all.
Contact woman's aid 08088021414
They will advise you .

#ScottishDolls post is spot on op, have you read it?

I am so sorry but he has no respect for you

So he's texted me asking that I cover for him with one of the kids activities for a bit this evening. It's only for 30 minutes until he can take over. I've said I would, but I'm owed an apology for his antics this morning.
He texted back 'Thanks and I'm sorry'.

Today has been a real eye-opener for me. I appreciate your taking the time to give me your advice and insights into the situation (and for assuring me that I'm not being unreasonable - mostly). Thanks all

Well bluethang he’s already spectacularly failed to apologise and told the op to get over it already and she needed a lie down. If I had anything to do for him this evening I’d sub a lie down in instead. Couldn’t cook enough for you, here are the kids dinners etc. An apology is a necessary starting point for moving on from this. It’s really nasty

Yes. Scottish doll has nailed it.

Yes. It is an eye opener.

I would just advise you to keep your eyes open from now on.

So he could find it in him to apologise when it was made clear to him that for him to get something extra he wanted, he would have to.

I'd be extremely cynical about the quality and worth of that apology!

So he’s only saying sorry not sorry because he wants you to do something for him.

Right.

Worse, he wants you to do something for one of the kids, so if you say no go fuck yourself it’s your child who suffers.

Mark this bloke’s card. He never ever treats you like this again, or he goes.

It needs to be made that clear

How utterly spiteful and hurtful of him. That’s going to do lasting and permanent damage to your relationship

Assuming he is generally a loving DH and that it was just cold water added to an unemptied cup, I think you are completely overacting.

OK it wasn't his finest hour, but passing you a cup of cold water rather than a hot coffee because he was cross is hardly crime of the century.

I’m not sure how you’ve managed to keep the marriage going for 20 years with a gaslighting, childish prick.

I’ve been married for nearly 19 years and yes we’ve argued but neither of us would stoop so low to do this.

You drank the “coffee” at work, probably in front of colleagues. That’s not a joke it’s demeaning. It’s hurtful.

He only texted a sorry because he needed you to cover his ass. I bet he won’t say sorry in person.

For those saying to calm down I think it is minimising potentially abusive behaviour.

At some point in an abusive relationship it goes from having a great partner into an abusive one. It tends to start small and work up.

From my experience with friends who have been through this it is like the analogy of putting a frog into hot water. It will jump out immediately. But put the frog into cold water and slowly heat it and it stays.

Years go by and the abuse continues almost unnoticed until something or someone brings it to a head.

That's not an apology. I wouldn't accept it. Time to sit him down tonight, tell him exactly how you feel about it and his responses and lay it down - this never happens again. He behaves like a civilised human being. You both sort out your parenting conflicts (not easy, I know - it never worked with me and my DH, who was the same; I was too soft, he was too harsh, beautifully behaved but not perfect DDs).

Nothing else is acceptable - draw your conclusions from how it goes. He has a lot of fences to mend.

Is he your Lord and Master? The Final Arbiter of Family Life? He seems to think he is.

I would expect a fullsome apology from his and a big grovel. At the very least.

I think FizzyGreenWater's suggested text way upthread is overdue and you would do a lot wors thn to send it now.

What has made him so uppity that he thinks his behaviour is OK and just a little casual sorry is fitting?

Context is everything.
Married 25 years and couldn't imagine my dh coming up with that.

But it is possible to do it and for it to be a joke, not a funny one, but a joke without malice. But only you would know that.

His follow up behaviour doesn't sound nice and so in the context of his general behaviour, he doesn't sound very nice.

He sounds as if he doesn't accept your right to take offence at his behaviour.

You have some thinking, and reassessment of your relationship to do.

Best of luck OP

Usually if he's in the wrong, he will claim to have apologized at the time, but will not have done.

Oh he's one of those too.

We generally just sort things out and move on.

But on the one occasion you dared to answer him back when he criticised your parenting he punishes you by tampering with your drink (sounds like he'd already poured the coffee in but decided to empty it and put cold water in after you dared answer him back).

He's a nasty prick and I'd be tempted to do what TheOtherPamAyres said and use plenty of opportunities to remind him what a sneaky shit he is.

That's actually quite sinister.

You should have said no