To go and pick DD up from school?

[Whitegrenache]

Posting here for quick response

Dd aged 13 in yr 8 has some occasional issues with the friendship group she is in - nothing major but spats from time to time and the ring leader (lets call her C) seems like a queen bee type - she also seems to have some mental health issues , Panic attacks and recurring abscence from school (according to DD)

Anyway it started again in Friday - then continued over weekend via Snapchat - usual teenage goings on.

DD is a resilient kid who over the weekend came off snap chat as she couldn't be bothered with all the hassle (her decision)
Anyway I have just had a text from her asking me to pick her up from school as C is upsetting her and calling her names.

What on earth do I do?

I don't want to get her as this is not the way to deal with problems

Do I ring the school?

In the nicest possible way op, you sound quite cold towards your dd. You seem to be very distant and somewhat removed. Is there a reason for this?

I can't put my finger on it, but for example she is bullied all weekend, and its not such a big deal for you, and she goes in to school. She is calling you to bring her home, upset, and you decide not to pick her up.
However the minute she is involved with being 'mean' to someone else, you say you are 'not accepting her being mean to anyone'. Without knowing what has caused it.

You don't really sound like you are on her side. Read through your posts.

It may be that you are not coming across well, but if she is being bullied and she doesn't have your full and unconditional support she is going to be in a very dark place indeed.

How many posters on here have a 13 year old girl?

Don't have one but I've been one and it was horrendous.

Where in any of the OPs posts does it say her DD was getting bullied all weekend? I read it that C was being her usual queen bee self and OPs DD wasn't interested so deleted SC. Then the OPs DD got it in the neck from C (probably cos she deleted C).

I don't think in anyway that the OP is being cold to her DD.

She has been bullied on Social Media all weekend but as soon as she puts a foot out of place you say you won’t have her being mean to anyone.

You don’t need to know any more

Have you ever been bullied? As in actuly bullied not just someone calling you a few names or having a fall out?

Again unless I have missed some of the OPs posts there is nothing to say that her DD is in actual fact being bullied and it is a case of name calling today (and probably her DD said something mean to C because she is sick of the drama)

From the OP *Anyway it started again in Friday - then continued over weekend via Snapchat - usual teenage goings on.

DD is a resilient kid who over the weekend came off snap chat as she couldn't be bothered with all the hassle (her decision*

Where does she say that her DD is being bullied all weekend??

I think a lot of you who would run and get your kids are teaching them to run away from their problems. They need to learn to access help in the right way, not run away.

I tried to access help and didn't get it. I still have scars from my bullying, both real and mental.

We've had three suicides in a local school from bullying recently. I'd be picking my child up if they asked.

StoorieHoose

Here from the op

Anyway it started again in Friday - then continued over weekend via Snapchat - usual teenage goings on

Which is speak for bullying on SM

Does she say that her DD was the one being bullied or could it possibly be that the Queen Bee was doing it on a group chat about someone else a d that that OPs DD was sick of reading it a d deleted Snapchat?

OP, do give her time to tell her side of the story. My DD got detention for something she did in Year 8 - I knew she'd been having problems with one girl, but didn't know at the time the girl had told other girls in her class a lie about her, they'd all been having ago at her for a few days and on the spur of the moment she did something totally out of character. To make things worse, she was genuinely ill the day of detention, which caused even more problems with them.

Oh my

I think the thing is I have no idea what has actually happened and can't talk to dd tonight as away with work

I absolutely adore my dd and have been victim of bullying at school myself so can utterly sympathise

An example of what when in over the weekend in SC was she asked one of friends if they were still mates and this friend told her to fuck off

I think I need clarity as to what the hell Is going on and have a good look through snap chat (although they disappear don't they?)

There is a fine line between bullying and name calling

If my dd has been mean to this other girl then I can understand her retaliating iyswim

I have only heard dds side of the story

Please take this seriously.

My friends dd did this once and her mum rang school like you.

School focussed on the girls actions and not the reason behind it.

It then escalated and because the school were unkind when she reached out originally she wouldn't or couldn't approach teachers.
They also said "banter" and "teen fall outs". SC was also involved.

It didn't end well for friends DD so I'd be clear about what you want to happen from here on in.

@RedSkyLastNight Thank you for clearing that up.
I didn't think of the logistics of it, makes much more sense now!

OP you have done exactly the right thing here. I work in pastoral care in a secondary school and if parents rushed in and picked up their dc every time they fell out with their friends half the school would be going home every morning !

Talk to her and listen to her concerns, talk to her pastoral manager and if necessary make an appointment with the hoy. People who are saying she is being bullied over social media, yes she may be and this also happens all the time, largely because parents don't police their children's social media use at all. If they did, many of these problems would be avoided.

Whitegrenache, messages in Snapchat disappear unless the recipient saves them (or screenshots them). If they do, the sender knows that they've saved them. You may not have any written evidence. However, you do know if your child is generally truthful. And you'll know if the story doesn't change with each retelling. x

Ah yes, okay op, the SM bullying (or not) is hard to manage on snapchat. Ask dd to screen shot both her messages and the ones she is receiving so you can get a full picture/and evidence if you need it.

Only you know your dd, and it depends on the type of character she has as to what you do from here. I have very laid back dd who never makes any kind of fuss, so would be alarmed if I had any kind of message asking me to pick her up.
I also have a dd where the world ends most days over some comment someone made or another. I have to be careful not to dismiss everything she says now, as after everything been 'dreadful' for so long its hard to pick out what may be a really serious problem and what isn't.

I really hope she is okay, and you manage to chat to her later.

Fun having teenagers isn't it!!!

messages in Snapchat disappear unless the recipient saves them (or screenshots them). If they do, the sender knows that they've saved them

Not if they are photographed on another device

Think you did the right thing OP. It wasn’t an emergency and she was not injured so she did not need collecting. What would collecting achieve-someone’s horrible to you DD so you run away? Not a good message. It wouldn’t be at all appropriate for a parent to collect a 12 year old from school in these circumstances -some people here are getting extremely carried away and projecting their own experiences. You would collect a 12 year old from school because someone was horrible to them? Good luck in life being that fragile.
It would be better that mobiles were banned completely all day long so that you didn’t have to receive such messages - naturally it is upsetting to hear from your DD in those circa but, as you’ve updated, it sounds like a load of nothing so you’d have been better off not knowing. It will probably resolve itself

Maybe I'm fuddy duddy oldie old fashioned but why does a 13 year old child need Snapchat? Or any of this internet crap to be honest?

I also feel you’ve been quite cold to your dd. She’d been bullied all weekend, but the moment a member of staff had a go at her for being on her phone and telling your dd you were worried is the moment where you seem more concerned?

And you didn’t go and get her? Even though you knew you wouldn’t get to see her to sort it because you’re away with work, so that’s more days at school for her feeling uncomfortable.

Even if you dd has retaliated or been mean it does not make a weekend of social media bullying ok.

It makes me feel uncomfortable that nobody is listening to her. Social media must make it so much harder to be a teenager, bullying and the emotions that come with that cause many to end their life. It is not a joke, this should be being dealt with.

@calpoppincalpol they don’t, but imagine the stick you’d get being the only one who doesn’t have it.

Ok so first of all thanks so much for the people who DM'd me offering support. It was so lovely of you.

So I had a long chat with dd tonight and she has told me it all.

Basically all the girls where having a chat about who would lose their virginity first and decided it would be the certain (C) my dd was not the only one.
C found out and had put total blame on my dd and everyone sided with C

Over the weekend there was no alleged bullying over SC but they all removed dd as their best mates in their bio- a big deal when you're 13 and no one interacted with dd

Yesterday C and the other kids bar one totally ignored my dd - C then went up to dd at break and called her "ginger cunt" this was what precipitated dd texting me.
Dd told me that the handled it ok in her opinion but did tell her she was very cross with dd for using her phone in school time and threatened an after school detention which dd worried about

Anyway today apart from one girl the social group all ignored her

I have explained/asked dd how she wants to handle this and that this is a form of bullying - she doesn't want me to involve school at the moment and that she is considering the friendships at the moment.

Honestly I think they can all be as bad as each other but the name calling and isolation is fucking horrible

OP you wouldn't believe the trouble 13yos and phones can cause. Texting a parent to get picked up is almost common place now in my school. Mostly because the parents turn up and demand their children before finding out the whole story.

Your dd should not have been using her phone at all to contact home. Contact home should go through the office. We are trying to stop students being allowed off site if they have contacted parents not through the office. It's a safeguarding nightmare.

You dealt with the incident well by not getting her. When phones didn't exist, parents didn't know about this stuff until the end of the day, by which time most fall outs had made up. Nowadays a student calls mum, gets picked up and creates a huge drama.

It all sounds very tit for yay between these girls. They'll probably be friends by the end of the we eek. If not it's a good opportunity for your dd to make new friends.

I am not once to go rushing to school, but if the school told my child not to contact me they'd I'd be really angry and I would ask for an appointment then calmly but very clearly explain why they should never ever say this to my child, or any other, ever again. I think you did the right thing - the school have bungled it!

So your DD and the other girls basically called C promiscuous, in harsher terms, which is seem for s 13 year old. Your DD is now bearing the brunt of it. It's nasty all round, but I think the teacher was accurate with teen girl spats rather than your DD being bullied. She wasn't being bullied when she was being horrible with the other girls about C.