To go and pick DD up from school?

[Whitegrenache]

Posting here for quick response

Dd aged 13 in yr 8 has some occasional issues with the friendship group she is in - nothing major but spats from time to time and the ring leader (lets call her C) seems like a queen bee type - she also seems to have some mental health issues , Panic attacks and recurring abscence from school (according to DD)

Anyway it started again in Friday - then continued over weekend via Snapchat - usual teenage goings on.

DD is a resilient kid who over the weekend came off snap chat as she couldn't be bothered with all the hassle (her decision)
Anyway I have just had a text from her asking me to pick her up from school as C is upsetting her and calling her names.

What on earth do I do?

I don't want to get her as this is not the way to deal with problems

Do I ring the school?

She asked you to pick her up, you didn't and instead called the school without asking her if that's what she'd like to happen, your contact with the school got her in trouble with her head of year. So she's being bullied and excluded by her friends, is in trouble with the teachers, and you've left her in that envrironment (which you helped to create) to fend for herself? I imagine she's feeling pretty let down by all pf the adults involved right now

^This. She's possibly now learnt to keep her mouth shut in future when she has a problem.

Thank you all for your opinions and I really appreciate it all

However we have made our decision and will stick to it

We will have a chat with dd about it all and hopefully resolve all of this

I'm not sure the decision is the right one but time will tell

Make sure you explain why you made the decision. Let her tell you how she feels and obviously you can always apologise if you then feel you got it wrong. We don’t always make the right call.
I hope she feels better tonight.

Agree coconut
If I turned up at my DC's school on the basis that they had sent me a text to come and collect them, the conversation would go something like this
Me: I'm here to collect DC
Reception: Are they expecting you?
Me: They texted me asking them to pick them up, but I can't get in touch now as they are in lessons
R: Oh, why did they need you to pick them up? If they are not well they need to see the school nurse first
Me: They are having some issues with being bullied and don't feel happy staying at school
R: Have they spoken to Student Support?
Me: I don't think they could find anyone to talk to
R: We really need to talk to ask someone from pastoral to talk to them before we let them go home
R: (spends several minutes scrutinising timetables to work out where DC is, then spends more minutes trying to find someone who can go and talk to them/collect them)

... and at the end of which my child would either say they were fine or would be asked to go and talk to pastoral care first ... so my turning up at school would have achieved precisely no more than OP's original phone call.

I don't understand the school receptionist acting like a gatekeeper.

It's your child. If you arrive to pick them up then that's the end of it surely?

I ran away in the end too Perhaps the pp that feel it is fine for her to sit it out have never been bullied? To understand the fear or being confronted with pressure from all sides.

Its a matter for you op. You have made your decision. Resilience comes from overcoming challenges and fears, it is not always possible to do this unaided when you are a child. Poor kid.

FWIW I think you did the right thing..I used to be in your daughter's position alot at school. I didn't have a phone but I probably would've asked my mum to come get me too and she probably would've said no. But I think not getting her will help her in the long run. As cliche as it sounds, those situations do make you stronger and teach you about the way people can behave.

I really don't think it's a big deal that she used her phone either, what else is she supposed to do? 🤷

A letter sounds lovely, my mum used to write me letters and I still have them ☺️

sheesh Your mum's letters really warmed the cockles of my heart, what a lovely mum you have [halo} might pinch the idea myself! :)

I think that you may have to consider another school ,if this sort of thing is ongoing and the school cant sort it out it seems.Often by the time a parent gets to hear about it its the last straw.Most Schools are supposed to have guidelines for this kind of behaviour but often not acted upon !

If you arrive to pick them up then that's the end of it surely?

Well, someone has to work out where your child is and go and get them at the very least. And that person can't be the receptionist, who has to stay at reception. And it might be that all teachers are already teaching or dealing with other issues. Unless you go to a very small secondary school so all the rooms are readily accessible, I suppose ... DC could well be a good 5 minutes walk away from reception at ours! And presumably the school want to make sure that your child actually has a bona fide reason for going home and is not just trying it on, before they waste their time tracking them down.

Our school has a procedure that if you have a good reason to go home you either advise school in advance (e.g. medical appointment) or you go and speak to the school nurse (for illness), pastoral care or someone like your HoY (who will then contact your parent). I imagine OP's DC's school might have something similar. Most large secondaries just aren't set up for parents rocking up at random times to pick up their children, unless this is expected.

notabedofroses

Ah thanks, she is lovely. She did them for my sister too, they'd write them back and forth sometimes regarding issues my sister felt uncomfortable talking about and it really helped. I'll be doing them for my children too

If C's was bullying your daughter, it would be worth printing off copies of the school's behaviour and bullying policies and asking for an appointment with the Head and Head of Year during which you can ask them to tell them precisely what they did to implement the policy in this case. Also check whether they have someone on site your daughter could have contacted instead of texting you.

I don't understand the school receptionist acting like a gatekeeper. It's your child. If you arrive to pick them up then that's the end of it surely?

Our school receptionists are professional. They're diamonds.

They are fully Safeguard trained and wouldn't just say "okay, you're here to pick up X. End of".

As cliche as it sounds, those situations do make you stronger and teach you about the way people can behave

All it taught me is if you have a problem keep it to yourself because no one wants to help and you can't trust anyone not even my own mother or family.

The only thing that kept me going was that at 16 I could leave the school and at 18 I could leave my family and not go back. Which is what I did.

Went completely NC soon after

I don't see the rigmarole in collecting.
Wouldn't op just have texted that she was on her way and would be there in 10 minutes and her DD would be waiting for her

My dd was assaulted at school in Feb19 and text me to let me know she was ok and was with the nurse. Her school is so strict I couldn't even ring them to find out what happened as I had to wait for them to contact me or they would have gone mad at her for texting me during school.
They rang and said there was an incident and to come and collect my dd and take her to get checked. They said she seemed fine to them.
Later that eve it was all over social media and even the next day the principal did not contact me to discuss. I was livid went to her on the Monday and just broke down in tears the way the handled it and principal just sat there saying your dd is hanging around with a bad crowd she needs to change her friends, like putting the blame back on my dd. School would not show me their cctv said the video on social media was better quality. I said if I go get police will you show me and she said do what you want they will just tell you to sort with school. The girl that assaulted her got 1 week suspension came back into same class but I got this sorted and she only in 1 class with her now. They where friends before she assaulted her.
The Principal still has never rang me to follow up on the matter just past it off to another teacher.

Its so frightening the way kids argue and fight with each other where is it going to end.
I feel from previous fall outs with kids the parent going in makes it worse as you are known as a rat for telling. I know its hard cause my dd has had it so many times and ended up changing school and she is much happier but the new school is the one where she was assaulted and she loves it apart from that girl.
I now ask my dd's what they want me to do and they just say just listen and give advice don't be going to school that they will sort it but just needed mum at that moment.

Well it turns out my dd has said something quite mean to the other girl - so not sure what the hell to do now... away with work now until late tonight so need to have proper chat with dd and nip this in the bud asap

Will not accept her being mean to anyone -
Bloody teenagers

Was the comment made before or after she called?

If before, she tried to get out of the consequences of her remark. If after, she clearly didn't react well to being stuck in the situation. (They require different kinds of response/work.)

Hmm. Hold your fire and find out why. If she’s been harassed all weekend she could have snapped.
Teens are very much still developing the part of the brain that deals with making reasoned decisions. And are coping with extreme emotions. They need help to learn to manage them.
And their parents? Have or .

You did the right thing OP. If I had to go and pick up my DD everytime there was a drama she would never be at school

How many posters on here have a 13 year old girl?

stoorie I have teen girls, one the same age as ops. The dramas are never ending, yes, but I know the difference between drama and distress. No 13 year old is going to call home and have her parents come and collect her unless it was serious, that much I do know. They are very sensitive to being embarrassed in any way (I am not even allowed near the school, should I cause embarrassment by breathing or something) So although the endless drama of girls, is one thing that shouold not be mixed up with a very real cry for help.

I would hear the whole story first op, from what you have said things have been escalating for a long time.

Bullied children can and do snap, and I totally lost my temper with the girl that bullied me in the end (it was no bad thing as it turns out) but your dd could out of depth, you need to find a way to speak to her this evening to support her.

As do I and as I said if I picked up DD everytime there was a drama or fallout at school she would be there once a week. Unfortunately DDs school lets them have full access to their phones so I do hear from her a lot and get a running commentary.

Will not accept her being mean to anyone

Not even after days of provocation.

Mmmm need to find the whole story first to be honest

I think a lot of you who would run and get your kids are teaching them to run away from their problems. They need to learn to access help in the right way, not run away.

Have you ever been bullied? As in actuly bullied not just someone calling you a few names or having a fall out? Even when kids ask for help they don't get it half the time, look at OPs dd, they school knows what has happened yet she's the one getting into trouble over some stupid rule, have they stopped to think what was making her so desperate that she needed to break the rules?... Nah.