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Original poster

To go and pick DD up from school?

156 replies

Whitegrenache · 20/05/2019 10:29

Posting here for quick response

Dd aged 13 in yr 8 has some occasional issues with the friendship group she is in - nothing major but spats from time to time and the ring leader (lets call her C) seems like a queen bee type - she also seems to have some mental health issues , Panic attacks and recurring abscence from school (according to DD)

Anyway it started again in Friday - then continued over weekend via Snapchat - usual teenage goings on.

DD is a resilient kid who over the weekend came off snap chat as she couldn't be bothered with all the hassle (her decision)
Anyway I have just had a text from her asking me to pick her up from school as C is upsetting her and calling her names.

What on earth do I do?

I don't want to get her as this is not the way to deal with problems

Do I ring the school?

OP posts:
Ivestoppedreadingthenews · 20/05/2019 12:39

I would be livid if school suggested my child shouldn’t contact me when there was a clear problem. You are her advocate and she was absolutely right to do that. Isolating children from family is a very worry idea indeed.

Bullying in girls looks like this. It doesn’t usually invoked getting punched. I was bullied horribly as a child. It has life long consequence if left to get out of hand. Adults should be involved especially you as parents.

Ivestoppedreadingthenews · 20/05/2019 12:40

Involve not invoke

FizzyGreenWater · 20/05/2019 12:49

Sorry but I think you've made the wrong decision.

i woul dabsolutely go and get her.

You say you're proud of her resilience? One of the things which make you strong and resilient is knowing that the people that matter to you really do have your back when the chips are down. You want her to stay resilient - you show her that when she makes it clear that she really needs YOU to fight this one with her - you'll be there.

If you know that you have support when you need it, that makes you strong enough to fight more on your own. You aren't afraid of standing up for yourself because you know you have a safety net.

Don't be surprised if some of that resilience disappears now that she knows she doesn't have an 'out' - that she can't ultimately call you for help because you won't come.

I'd be there for my DD, more than anything to make the point that if she really needed me I would be there. Resilient, generally strong DD? I'd be there twice as quickly, as she must really have needed me to make that call.

Oliversmumsarmy · 20/05/2019 12:53

I would pick your DD up.

When you decided not to was that because DD having been told off once because she texted you doesn't want to get into more trouble by leaving as she knows now school isn't interested in doing anything anyway and it will be made to look like she is the one at fault.

Most schools are not interested and will come down on those that rock the boat.

I had a parent who refused to let me move school and school weren't interested. In the end I truanted rather than go into school.

Wolfiefan · 20/05/2019 12:57

These are recurring issues. OP can’t collect her each time it happens. Confused
If the daughter had been subjected to bullying, asked for help at school and been denied that help then that’s different.
If it happens at school then she needs to tell a teacher or another adult at school.

sheettent · 20/05/2019 12:57

That's really sad. I hope your dd doesn't feel abandoned and resent you for it. Poor love.

Notabedofroses · 20/05/2019 13:02

wolfie the school already know, HoD decided to tell op's dd off instead of address the bullying.

I can't help but feel you have made the wrong decision too. It is highly unusual for children to send out a distress call in the middle of the day, and the embarrassment of being collected by a parent. I have a dd the same age, and she would have to be absolutely desperate to do this.

Poor girl. What a hellish situation, and no way out.

Excited101 · 20/05/2019 13:06

I think you’ve done the right thing op, getting collected would have made everything worse.

strawberrisc · 20/05/2019 13:08

he's had break already?

I meant to post more than this but got called away. I was going to go on to say that I work in a school and to make sure that the policy is as flexible as your daughter says. It's not here.

@strawberrisc well seeing as the OP posted after 10, yes I would say it's quite obvious they'll have had a break by then. Our morning break at high school was 10-10.15 and we started at 8.45. A lot of schools start even earlier than that now. Not that it was the point of the post anyway..

As above

People who are fixated on the horror of her using her phone at school please do one

Spoke to head of year who told me she's told DD that's it's unacceptable to ring your mother and that she has caused mum major panic ....

So as I predicted. Quite frankly, you can "do one".

Nanny0gg · 20/05/2019 13:11

What do you think the school would do if the OP rocked up and demanded to take her DD home right now??

What did everyone do before phones? If there was no member of staff to talk to they waited till they got home.

I have every sympathy for the DD as I was treated like that through most of my secondary days. And I didn't tell anyone. But parents can't just remove their child from school whenever they feel like it. (Exception being if I thought my child was likely to be physically harmed)

Original poster
Whitegrenache · 20/05/2019 13:15

Thanks strawberrisc really helpful Hmm

The hoy has dealt with the issue which is probably teenage girls spats however I was not happy with her blaming dd.

Therefore I don't feel the need to go and get her.

However depending on the conversation we have with dd later will depend on wether I orchestrate a meeting with HOY to discuss why dd didn't feel able to ask for help in school - that is the issue here - to make dd feel guilty about texting was wrong - yes mobile phone policy states no use in school and in class - and it looks like she did text in class - but she must have been pretty desperate to do that given that she is normally a well behaved child?

That's my issue to be honest

OP posts:
LillithsFamiliar · 20/05/2019 13:16

These aren't recurring issues. OP's DD has never called and asked for her mum before so today was an escalation. Sadly, the school responded as I feared they might. OP's DD can't deal with this on her own when the school are showing clearly that they are going to minimise it and are happy to victim blame in the hope of distracting OP and her DD from the main issue.

Original poster
Whitegrenache · 20/05/2019 13:16

Breaks my heart Sad

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 20/05/2019 13:21

OP I’m sorry. Stupid phone didn’t load your update. That’s crap.
But I can see why the school felt it unacceptable for her to phone home. There must be someone at school she can talk to.
They can’t have lots of kids all phoning home each time they fall out with friends. It really isn’t helpful. OP’s daughter isn’t a tiny tot and really must learn to talk to someone in school. That needs addressing.

Cottonwoolmouth · 20/05/2019 13:23

I’d have gone and got her and dealt with the fall out after.

I picked dd1 up from school one day (against the schools wishes) but the relief on her face and the tears on the way home let me know I’d done the right thing.

It was sorted within a day or two but at that moment she needed me - so I went. She is 24 now and still rings me when she is upset, if she ever asked me to go and get her again - I still would

Original poster
Whitegrenache · 20/05/2019 13:25

Wolfiefan I think you are spot on to be honest - the teacher just sounded mean on the phone

OP posts:
Drogosnextwife · 20/05/2019 13:25

Going by experience most schools are shit when I comes to bullying. I was bullied for years, parents reported it so many times, met with the other parents and teachers, but I apparently couldn't give good enough examples of what they would do to me. Nothing changed because the school and teachers weren't prepared to see it for what it was, and ignored the bullying I had to put up with IN CLASS IN FRONT OF THEM!
I would go and pick her up, if it's not like her then it must have been pretty hard for her to deal with.
Being excluded from the friendship group is fucking horrible, I remember it well.

SmellNO · 20/05/2019 13:26

I had a really rough stage in secondary school when the solid friendship groups were being reformed.

One incident overstepped my personal mark hugely and following it I went to see what I suppose is now the pastoral team.
They really helped me, pulling me out of the lessons that I was in with the 'ringleader' and rejigging my classes. If it wasn't possible for me to avoid her, I was allowed to complete work in the pastoral office.
Tbh, they probably bent over backwards because they knew that if I was forced to be in the same room as that nasty cow I would have either refused to go to school or hid in the toilets.

You know your daughter best. If she's the usual resilient type, then 100000% go and collect her. Don't let anyone brush over the incident either - schools say they are shit hot on bullying now, yet it is still happening at unacceptably high levels.

MyYe · 20/05/2019 13:27

Looking at it from her persepective:
She asked you to pick her up, you didn't and instead called the school without asking her if that's what she'd like to happen, your contact with the school got her in trouble with her head of year. So she's being bullied and excluded by her friends, is in trouble with the teachers, and you've left her in that envrironment (which you helped to create) to fend for herself? I imagine she's feeling pretty let down by all pf the adults involved right now.

I would have told her to inform her teachers initially but after the way the head of year handled this I would have picked her up, so she's aware that she has someone in her corner. I can only imagine how she's feeling right now.

shitholiday2018 · 20/05/2019 13:29

I think a lot of you who would run and get your kids are teaching them to run away from their problems. They need to learn to access help in the right way, not run away.

Emmabryant123 · 20/05/2019 13:31

This reminds me of my mother and I
I was bullied all through secondary and phoned my mum in tears once begging her to come help me
She didn't
I got in trouble :(
Please go get her

Cottonwoolmouth · 20/05/2019 13:34

I think a lot of you who would run and get your kids are teaching them to run away from their problems

No. Our family are there for each other, children or adults.

If I asked my Dh to come and get me from anyway because I was upset, he would. Why shouldnt we afford that to our children?? Ah yes .... that resilience word.

There are times when you have to let your kids go it alone and there are times when your kids ask for help because they are upset, those are the times you need to be present.

booboo82 · 20/05/2019 13:35

pick her up definitely xx

MyYe · 20/05/2019 13:36

I think a lot of you who would run and get your kids are teaching them to run away from their problems. They need to learn to access help in the right way, not run away.

The phonecall home was out of character so she was quite clearly in distress. For whatever reason, she wasn't comfortable approaching the school. I think leaving her to the wolves in that situation would send a more damaging message than picking her up as a one off. No one is suggesting she allow her daughter to drop out of school and never return. The next step would be to work with the school to find a solution.

coconuttelegraph · 20/05/2019 13:38

I'm surprised at the number of people who would go and pick up their DC from secondary school in this situation

Is that a thing? I would only ever pick up my DC if the school asked me to because of illness, surely you can't just rock up to the school and ask someone to get your child out of the lesson and take them home can you?

Wouldn't that make things much worse anyway, once the bully finds out it will just make them do it even more imo

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