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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

present for one sibling- something for the other or not?

151 replies

beclev24 · 20/05/2019 00:14

2 siblings aged 5 and 8 with quite a lot of rivalry between them. Younger one breaks his arm quite badly and is in a long cast and can't do a lot of his usual activities. my DM generously says she is going to send him a box with toys/ activity books/ a new lego set etc. I know this will cause intense jealousy from older brother (he is already pretty jealous of him and he is now getting lots and lots of attention post broken arm.) . I was hoping that GM would offer to send a little something in there for his brother too (money genuinely no object here) - nothing major but maybe a colouring book or similar but she won't because she believes big brother should feel sorry for little brother and happy that for him that he has got presents etc. I would at this point rather she just didn't send anythign to either of them as it will cause way more trouble than it's worth. Genuinely curious as to whether I AIBU here and not teaching DS1 to be kind (I'm exhausted and keen to avoid an argument) or whether it is insensitive of DM. Opinions welcome.

OP posts:
Bookworm4 · 20/05/2019 00:19

Your DS8 is old enough to understand he isn't the centre of the universe, it is your job to teach him to share and to be kind.
He can always be indulged, how would he feel if he was hurt/unwe and his brother was getting spoiled.

Bookworm4 · 20/05/2019 00:19

*cannot

coconutpie · 20/05/2019 00:22

YABU. Your 8yo needs to understand that sometimes others will get presents and he won't.

Strugglingtodomybest · 20/05/2019 00:24

I agree with Bookworm. At 8 he is more than old enough to understand that his little brother has got a present because he's hurt and that as he himself is not hurt, he doesn't get a present.

If he's jealous then this is a good opportunity to talk to him about how it's not all about him. He needs to learn this otherwise he going to end up with a very unpleasant personality trait.

CalmdownJanet · 20/05/2019 00:25

I'm with your mother on this too I'm afraid

PaquitaVariation · 20/05/2019 00:26

YABU. 8 is old enough to understand that the present is because his younger sibling is going through something horrible.

Original poster
beclev24 · 20/05/2019 00:26

thanks for responses so far. Apologies for this drip feed- wondering if it makes a difference or not that he is having a hard time too at the moment- currently being assessed by MH team for depression/ severe anxiety.

It's definitely very likely that I have been indulging him because of this, but not sure if this is doing him no favours either.

OP posts:
Ariesgirl1988 · 20/05/2019 00:28

Sorry OP you may not like this but 8 yo is old enough to understand that the world does not revolve around him. I'm sure its hard work dealing with his sibling rivalry/jealousy but if you continue to give in for a peaceful life he'll just get worse until he reaches his teens and be a nightmare that you can't control. It isn't gonna kill him to not get a present for once is it? He'll never learn kindness and sharing if he knows that kicking off and giving u grief will get him what he wants which is your attention and giving in to him

SnowsInWater · 20/05/2019 00:32

If it was a birthday I would agree the 8yo needs to learn it's not always about him but tbh in the circumstances you describe I couldn't imagine not just chucking in something small for him as well, especially as a grandparent.

I think expecting an eight year old to have that level of altruism is a bit unrealistic. Of course you want to encourage him to be kind, nobody wants to raise a brat, but if there is already sibling rivalry why feed it.

bridgetreilly · 20/05/2019 00:32

OP, I don't honestly think his current issues/potential diagnosis make any difference here. His brother is getting a present because he has broken his arm. At 8yo, he definitely should be able to understand that and sympathise with his little brother. Even want to give him something himself. Indulging him is not going to help him in the long run.

Original poster
beclev24 · 20/05/2019 00:33

Thanks for opinions so far.

I think part of the issue is that his activities are also very restricted because of his brother's broken arm- ie we can't go to park/ play football etc as we normally would because brother has to stay inside so it affects both of them... this may or may not be relevant.

OP posts:
DogHairEverywhere · 20/05/2019 00:35

I'm going to buck the trend and say that it's a bit mean not to send a little something for the older brother. We have always got the other sibling a little something, when the 'deserving' sibling has got a bigger thing. Even on birthdays, the non birthday sibling gets a little present. They are fully aware the day is not about them, but i think they enjoy the day more by being included in this way, rather than feeling potentially jealous.
In this case, if it were me, i wouldn't expect your dm to buy an extra present, i would just quietly get something i know the older one would like and present that to soften the blow when the big box arrives for the young one.

Original poster
beclev24 · 20/05/2019 00:39

@bridgetreilly he did get him something- bought him a little car out of his pocket money and wrote him a card

OP posts:
Bookworm4 · 20/05/2019 00:40

A broken arm doesn't mean staying inside, go to the park, your younger DS will learn to adapt to the cast on his arm. If your DS8 has possible anxiety, over indulging him is not helpful.

Ariesgirl1988 · 20/05/2019 00:40

OP if his activities are restricted isn't there someome who could help a bit aunties, gm or a friend who could either take 8 yo out or babysit youngest whilst you and eldest do something together? That would make him feel special surely some alone time with mum will help reassure him that he's loved and cared for just like his brother

TwiceAsNice22 · 20/05/2019 00:41

I’m going to disagree with most of the pp. I would suggest to your DM that she send a game instead or something that your DS’s can play together. That seems win win to me, no one is left out, they both are occupied and they can have fun together.

And while your 8 year old does need to learn to deal with his jealousy, I don’t think having a grandparent only sending one sibling a present is the way to achieve this.

Apileofballyhoo · 20/05/2019 00:44

Poor kid. I would have thought having depression and anxiety would be a good reason to get a cheering up box from a grandparent too. I certainly wouldn't send something to just one child in this situation, though if there were 3 siblings I might just send something to one. Birthdays are different, you know you get something on your birthday and your sibling doesn't, they get something on their birthday and you don't. Very strange of your DM not to include something small for your non broken arm child.

clairemcnam · 20/05/2019 00:44

OP you obviously think it is unfair. That comes across really clearly.
Do you favour one of them over the other?

TwiceAsNice22 · 20/05/2019 00:44

Bookworm, one of my DC broke an arm recently and I was told she was not allowed to go on playground equipment, trampoline etc while her cast was on and for 6 weeks after it came off.

Original poster
beclev24 · 20/05/2019 00:45

@bookworm4 the doctors advised him to mainly stay inside and rest for a few days. After that he can go out and walk but no playing on playground/ running/ jumping/ playing with balls etc and at the park it would be a nightmare trying to stop him doing this

OP posts:
StoppinBy · 20/05/2019 00:45

I disagree with the majority of poster, in this circumstance, a gift for being sick is not the same as a gift for a birthday.

However I think you need to approach it differently, don't approach it as a gift but rather an activity the two of the kids can do together.

SpecterLitt · 20/05/2019 00:47

I think you really are indulging him and actually embracing his jealousy and nurturing it without even wanting to. Even now you are evidently trying to state things to justify why he should also be treated the same in this instance. You need to stop.

Use this as a time to sit your son down, explain roles and boundaries and make him understand that others getting gifts or things does not mean they love you any less. We all have our time and right now your little brother is in a terrible shape, so he does need cheering up. It's up to you to nip this behaviour in the bud otherwise you're doing him no favours.

As for him being affected, you can still do things with him around the house, get him involved with things you're doing.

I hope your little one recovers well and all of this does get sorted, but it's up to you now to take charge and be mum. Good luck.

Original poster
beclev24 · 20/05/2019 00:48

@twiceasnice22 I don't favour one over the other in any way that i can think of. I love them the same/ spend similar amounts of time with both etc.

I think because DM knows that DS1 is having a really hard time at the moment with his MH issues it feels mean to go ahead and do somethign which she knows will upset him (I have told her) to make a point. BUT I am willing to believe also that I also don't want this to happne because I don't want to deal with the fall out. Probably a bit of both.

OP posts:
pandarific · 20/05/2019 00:49

Hmm, I'm also going to buck the trend here. I WAS intensely jealous of my younger sister as a child - essentially, I felt my mother favoured her and was her favourite. Sister was 'cuter', smaller and more compliant and I felt everyone liked her more than me - not entirely untrue as I was a clever, awkward kid who tried hard to be liked but often got it wrong.

I think these are dynamics that can easily be set in stone by insensitivity, the kid is only eight, and jealousy is a poisonous and frightening emotion to feel even for a grownup, let alone a little boy. Personally, 1) get to the proper root of why DS1 feels like this, and if it's your time and attention, give him some love-bombing, talk to him and listen to what he says when he says it, don't dismiss his feelings 2) as they're both affected by the injury I'd tell my mother to give the toys to both of them or not at all, make her aware of the dynamic and get her onside in unpicking it 3) what's DS1's anxiety etc surrounding? Does that have something to do with his feelings of jealousy toward DS2?

Difficult one, but I don't think acting sensitively to DS1's feelings is going to raise an entitled brat, especially since he's struggling.

clairemcnam · 20/05/2019 00:50

Why don't you just present the box as a gift granny sent over to entertain both of them while your youngest has a broken arm?

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