present for one sibling- something for the other or not?

[beclev24]

2 siblings aged 5 and 8 with quite a lot of rivalry between them. Younger one breaks his arm quite badly and is in a long cast and can't do a lot of his usual activities. my DM generously says she is going to send him a box with toys/ activity books/ a new lego set etc. I know this will cause intense jealousy from older brother (he is already pretty jealous of him and he is now getting lots and lots of attention post broken arm.) . I was hoping that GM would offer to send a little something in there for his brother too (money genuinely no object here) - nothing major but maybe a colouring book or similar but she won't because she believes big brother should feel sorry for little brother and happy that for him that he has got presents etc. I would at this point rather she just didn't send anythign to either of them as it will cause way more trouble than it's worth. Genuinely curious as to whether I AIBU here and not teaching DS1 to be kind (I'm exhausted and keen to avoid an argument) or whether it is insensitive of DM. Opinions welcome.

If a physical illness gets a gift, then so should a mental one- he's suffering as well and this is presumably being exacerbated by having to stay in focusing on the object of his rivalry. Life isn't always fair, but surely an 8 year old who's already struggling with his mental health deserves a bit of slack.

I'm not suggesting on trampolines etc but OP states having to stay indoors, which isn't accurate. I have had 2 DC in casts; one very long term and much could be done, not coddled the whole time.

I agree with a game they can both play. Being ill with MH is no different than a broken arm. They both need tlc.

If one child had a chronic illness that meant there was regular gifts that only went to them I would intervene.

But here I think that while it might have been nice, and definitely easier for you, if grandmother had sent something for both children, it seems reasonable to say to the older child that x parcel is due to injury/illness and that because he is equally loved if ever he has a similar situation the same would come for him.

I'd also make it clear to younger child that his accident has affected his sibling's life too and that it would be appropriate to offer to share enjoyment. Remind him that he would want that if other child received a box.

Both children need to learn to cope with the other receiving different treatment. They do not have identical needs and should learn to recognise this as a fact rather than constantly comparing.

I get it. Anxiety can present as jealousy. As a conviction that the world should be fair and just and intense anger when it isn't. And it really is exhausting to live with. You aren't failing because you don't know how to handle the current mess.

If, on the other hand, someone else could send them a shared present of something to do together due to being cooped up more than usual as x has sore arm that would be nice.

I would also try not to drop all outings child with broken arm can't fully enjoy. That isn't fair to big. Younger needs to learn to sit at park and colour in while older plays basketball (or whatever).

I would honestly get the 8 year old a small gift for being a big boy and helping to look after his younger brother whilst he's poorly. I don't see that as spoiling or indulging him. It's just being kind to everyone concerned. Particularly with his possible mental health condition - that needs supporting just as much as a more visible condition such as a broken arm.

Imagine being that 8 year old little boy who feels unwell but doesn't understand why and he can't show it like his younger brother can, ie arm in plaster. Yet his younger brother is getting his condition acknowledged with presents.

@bookworm4 I'd rather go by what the doctor who treated him advised, rather than what strangers on the internet say thanks. Not all breaks are the same.

His MH issues are not yet diagnosed- he is in the (long) process of assessment right now but anxiety and potential depression both part of it. His brother is a big focus of his issues at the moment- jealousy etc. DM knows this.

How does it help him to avoid the situation?

Of course ds2 should have his gift and ds1 should be supported in an appropriate reaction to that.

You might find this article helpful?

"Make need rather than fairness the basis for decisions.
In response to the common complaint from children that “It’s not fair,” tell your children, “Fair does not mean equal; it means giving each person what they need.”"

centerforparentingeducation.org/library-of-articles/sibling-rivalry/coping-sibling-rivalry/

I was all ready to say that you were being unreasonable. However it seems like DS1 is suffering just as much from the injury as DS2 so deserves compensating/treats as well so in this case I would say something.
I also would try and limit how much DS1 is missing out on - DS2 is the one who isn't supposed to run around but DS1 is being limited as well.
I knew a family with two DDs - DD1 had a long term illness which meant she couldn't travel and got tired easily. The father decided that they still had to do everything as a family which meant that either DD2 didn't get to do things that she wanted or DD1 got dragged to things that she wasn't well enough to go to- they all ended up resentful

I think you're making excuses for your older son. He needs to learn to deal with his jealousy. He may have depression or severe anxiety but he still needs to learn this. He will always have a younger brother.

His jealously should not take priority over the broken arm.

How are his younger brother's birthdays?
Does your older son have to get presents too and blow out the candles?

What about when your younger son gets invited to friend's parties and your older son isn't included?

Will you stop your younger son going as the older one hasn't been invited?

*How are his younger brother's birthdays?
Does your older son have to get presents too and blow out the candles?

What about when your younger son gets invited to friend's parties and your older son isn't included?
Will you stop your younger son going as the older one hasn't been invited?*

They each get a small present on each others' birthdays (their birthdays are close together) and this works well for us. Definitely doesn't get to blow out his brothers candles. Would never stop his brother going to a party because he wasn't invited etc

Why don’t the two children just share the presents or is that just too sensible?

Has your DM done anything nice for your eldest when he was struggling or is she one who is lovely for physically visible ill health and not so much for mental ill health?

I think in the circumstances it would be mean of your mother to only acknowledge the problem of one child.

Better to send a game or puzzle they can do together. I’d be wary if the ‘he just needs to accept it’ is going to be her attitude to your eldests health problems because they are not physically visible tbh.

Why is your older son so jealous of his brother? Has he always been?

I think mental illness is just as valid as a physical illness so can’t see why he doesn’t also get a present tbh.

I think the birthday present thing when it’s not your birthday is really irritating. It’s like nothing is ever just for them, not even the day they were born can be truly enjoyed. Sometimes it just has to be accepted that certain times / events / days just aren’t about you and are about someone else. I think that’s probably one of the main things to teach children, not only that but to be happy for that person. Good luck 💐

I would always send a present for both children in those circumstances. A slightly bigger one for the injured child, but I would include something for the other one. They will also have to deal with endless sitting around whilst the parents are occupied with hospital appointments, not being able to go out and do normal activities, being passed around whilst the younger is in hospital.

No, it's not necessary, and the elder one should realise that the younger didn't intend to get injured, but it would be kind.

YANBU, She could send him a little something, as well. It wouldn't hurt her, would it.
If she's making more of one than another people can't really be surprised if he gets jealous.
All this nonsense. He needs to learn to handle is jealousy. No he doesn't. Hes 8 Years old.
Its the responsibility of adults not to provoke jealousy.

I think there’s an element of truth in learning how to deal with jealousy..... obvs don’t try to wind anyone up but things like another child being picked to do a magic trick, or a boy being celebrated for his great footballing skills would both have brought up some jealousy for my son when he was 8 and it had to be managed because it was in his best interests to be able to deal with that. Sometimes it’s not your day / not your turn etc.

I had this situation recently with a family l know. I gave a present for the other child too as their life was interrupted too. Think GM could send along a book or game for him too.
I am in my 50s and remember my dsis getting her appendix out and arriving home from hospital with lots of gifts. Gifts were very scarce in those days and l was jealous although l did get to play with them too.
But l would be wary of giving in to older child just so you don't have to deal with the fall out. This could be an ongoing issue for him with the anxiety so giving in will not help him.

I think YABU.

You can handle it by not making a big deal of it. 'Your brother broke him arm and that's why he's received those presents.' That's it. I get that they are both stuck inside and it impacts them both, but I'm sure they both already have toys and books to amuse them, it's not a necessity to have something new.

8 is old enough to understand. MH problems in kids are hard but you can't clear the road of every hardship for him. It should be about equipping him with skills and resilience to deal with obstacles/things not going his way, rather than making his life perfect. His life won't be perfect, this 'my brother is getting toys and I'm not' problem is a good law stakes problem to practice on.

As a GP, under these circumstances I would get something for both.
Birthdays absolutely not, but a game or a book 'just because' is not unreasonable.

Given DS1’s anxiety I would get him a small gift too, why make things worse right now?

What’s caused him to feel like this?

It depends. Does your DM actually favour the younger child and your DS1 sees and is aware of this? Would she also get DS1 a present if he were in a similar situation? If DS2 is her golden boy then I can see why this would be difficult for DS1. I think as he is having a hard time too maybe she should get them a joint present. To share the Lego would give them both something to do whilst stuck inside.

I think at 8 it’s understandable that he would be jealous of his brother getting loads of fuss and attention. It’s a good opportunity to teach him that it’s not always about him, especially when someone is ill or injured. But if I were you I would het him something small to distract him and soften the blow.

Just tell mother in law that a game , puzzle or activity box to keep THEM occupied would be useful.

Doesnt have to have younger childs name on it