present for one sibling- something for the other or not?

[beclev24]

2 siblings aged 5 and 8 with quite a lot of rivalry between them. Younger one breaks his arm quite badly and is in a long cast and can't do a lot of his usual activities. my DM generously says she is going to send him a box with toys/ activity books/ a new lego set etc. I know this will cause intense jealousy from older brother (he is already pretty jealous of him and he is now getting lots and lots of attention post broken arm.) . I was hoping that GM would offer to send a little something in there for his brother too (money genuinely no object here) - nothing major but maybe a colouring book or similar but she won't because she believes big brother should feel sorry for little brother and happy that for him that he has got presents etc. I would at this point rather she just didn't send anythign to either of them as it will cause way more trouble than it's worth. Genuinely curious as to whether I AIBU here and not teaching DS1 to be kind (I'm exhausted and keen to avoid an argument) or whether it is insensitive of DM. Opinions welcome.

Yanbu and there are some really harsh and presumptive posters on here. If mil insists on not getting DS1 a gift too I would get him something. Fgs they are children. I know they have to learn at birthdays they don’t get anything but why make him feel bad now just to make a point? I can get why he is jealous of younger ds getting lots of attention/ perfectly understandable reaction.
I am not really sure why posters feel the need to insist you take him outdoors and ignore medical advise? I don’t see you asking for advise on that in your op and would imagine the medically trained people treating will have that covered.

If they are both bored due to staying in alot, I would buy them both colouring books, paints, play doh and something for the garden like swing ball? Maybe they could big share grandma's box of gifts?

You’ve said your DM is going to do it deliberately to upset DS8, I think that’s your existing prejudices talking.
When my DD badly broke her arm she was showered with gifts from godparents and grandparents. The other 3 DC were fine with it, one of them has a diagnosis of Autism and related anxiety and needed more explaining but they all coped.
It’s really how you present it, manage it.

The fact they even get gifts on the other ones birthday says it all. Surely they need to be taught that it's not always about them and sometimes other people get nice things and they don't. It's just setting them up for disappointment later in life in my opinion.

If theh both are restricted why doesnt dm get them games to play, a dvd to each, colouring to share? Both ds are havjng a hard time. Yes you can't pander to jealous but you shouldnt exacerbate it either.

But I would stop the gifts on each other's birthday. There they need to learn.

Oh it’s a hard one OP.

I think in your shoes I’d make a song and dance about what the gift gets for your DS1 - your time. And make a virtue of taking him into your confidence. ‘Oh, brilliant. I’ve been so worried that DS2’s injury is meaning I’m not getting to spend as much time with you as I want to. How thoughtful of granny, this will keep DS2 occupied for a bit so that you and I can do some things together.’

To me it acknowledges his feelings and redirects them in a positive rather than a negative way.

But it is very easy for me to say - you know your child and his MH issues best.

I would use this as an opportunity to spend some 1.1 time with the oldest ds.

Are you in a relationship? Could one of you stay at home with the 5 year old and the other take the oldest out to the park, for a bike ride, swimming. Just do some activities together 1.1. If you are a single parent is there someone who could sit with youngest ds for an hour so you can do this?

There is no reason unless you have zero support for them both to stay in.

I would then plan activities they can do together maybe a cinema visit or something similar.

If your eldest has MH sitting in the house for prolonged periods of time is not going to help him.

I would also suggest colouring books, crayons, play dough sets or a game the DC can play together, things where the DC can spend time together. No toys that encourage playing separately.

OP, when you buy both DC presents on one's birthday all you are doing is making sure that neither feels they have a special day of their own. You aren't helping them deal with life and building resilience in doing this.

I think it's probably natural for an only child to feel a bit jealous when another baby comes along but it is how you behave that will eradicate that behaviour when they are very young.

I think in an effort to shield ds1 from feeling jealous you have made jealousy an issue in situations where it needn’t be. We’re you particularly jealous of your own siblings?

I'm the oldest of 3. Both younger siblings got a present when it was my birthday and on their birthdays I was told that I was too.old for presents. I remember the utter fury of being 6 and my parents bringing out the presents for my siblings.

I would use this as an opportunity to spend some 1.1 time with the oldest ds

I think in your shoes I’d make a song and dance about what the gift gets for your DS1 - your time. And make a virtue of taking him into your confidence. ‘Oh, brilliant. I’ve been so worried that DS2’s injury is meaning I’m not getting to spend as much time with you as I want to. How thoughtful of granny, this will keep DS2 occupied for a bit so that you and I can do some things together.’

How will that be possible? It's the 5 year old who has broken his arm. He'll most likely need help with activity books e.g. peeling off stickers one handed is not easy. Neither is taking lids off pens or modelling with play-doh. Nor building Lego. How is a five year old going to do that one handed. All these gifts mean the DC2 will need extra help, it won't be something he can get on with whilst OP has quality time with DC1.

Do you have a partner or someone that could keep an eye on dc2 for a couple of hours so you could use the opportunity to get out and do something 1 on 1 with dc1. If he struggling with his mh some time outside alone with mum doing something together might feel like a positive thing and offset some of his jealousy.

I used to wrap a comic up for one of mine if the other was getting gifts or whatever........however there wasn't the intense jealousy between them that you're experiencing. At 8 the kid really needs to be getting over the fact he has a sibling. And the other child shouldn't be far behind.

I think their nan has.done them a massive further, this should be seen as the way forward from now on.

As the sister of a younger sib who spent a lot of time in hospital, and me being shunted around relatives, I can guarantee this will burn deep for the older one for a long time to come.

Any gift giving should acknowledge that both children are having a tough time right now. Youngest is dealing with limited mobility and having to be looked after a lot just when they're at a great place for independence. Eldest is having to understand that youngest is going to need a lot more of their parents time.

Ultimately the only thing that will reduce jealousy is being seen to be fair.

Tbh I don't understand why the youngest needs presents either. It does feed into the 'they're special' narrative the eldest already feels about them. It's a broken arm, not a lifelong disability and even then, a present isn't going to fix it.

Time is far more important. Even if it's just snuggling up on the sofa together. We have 4 dc, two with Sen. And the youngest always feels he is not listened to. So we make time for them all when the others aren't around. Even if it means taking just one on the supermarket run to be 'the helper'. They feel important and chosen then.

But I would ditch the presents on each other's birthdays. Everyone is allowed to be selfish on one day of the year!

I grew up with a very jealous sibling who demanded a lot of attention and my DP thought they were doing the right thing by always giving an extra gift and extra attention. As a result my sibling remains very demanding of attention, becomes extremely unpleasant when faced with normal life events and is still very materialistic. It's sad, but unfortunately what you do with children will help them build their character for the rest of their life. If they can't learn to deal with uncomfortable situations as children then they'll never cope with them as adults. You think you're being nice by giving him everything he wants, but instead it's DS1 who you're letting down if you don't put in place boundaries so that he learns how to deal with life.

Firstly - gifts for a broken arm should be for DS2 only, he is the child with the broken arm. Secondly - DS2 can easily play with some of the new toys at the park while DS1 runs around, then take them both for a long walk without climbing (after the first few stay-inside days); planning to keep them both inside for weeks is ridiculous. Thirdly - you must have existing jigsaws, board games, computer games etc; encourage them to play together, toys don't have to be new all the time to be fun.

The fact they even get gifts on the other ones birthday says it all. Surely they need to be taught that it's not always about them and sometimes other people get nice things and they don't. It's just setting them up for disappointment later in life in my opinion.
This ^^! Why on earth would you buy the non-birthday children presents too? No wonder there's an increasing sense of entitlement in society if it's all 'they've got something, I DESERVE something too'
Do your children a favour and teach them that you can't always have everything you want, sometimes others get stuff and not you, and that's normal.

Dc Gp always send something small for the other child when it’s ones birthday ect..

We do the same.

You can’t really dictate what other people spend their money on though.

I would get older child something small so they can both enjoy the time playing.

MRex did your parents ever get you something small too?

@Inthesaneboat - no, usually not. I didn't demand extra stuff though, so they thought they were doing the right thing by treating us according to our "needs".

That's quite a drip feed not to mention that the older child is currently being assessed for depression/anxiety. I wonder why this is.

It also sounds like you're the one expecting a gift for him as well as one for the younger child and it is this sense of entitlement coming from you that is likely damaging both of them as it is a learned behaviour.

Whilst sibling rivalry is a thing, there's much you can do to help them learn to share and alleviate jealousy which is not a nice trait to ignore & let it fester. Sharing birthdays/expecting gifts at every opportunity is not going to help. You sound like you have your own issues with your DM/her role as GM.

You asked for genuine responses but it sounds like you only want to hear the one you want so I'm afraid YABU.

Sounds like your mother is using this situation to get her point across about your elder son's extreme jealousy of his younger sibling. This could be with good intentions, albeit clumsily done. Or she could be being mean. Only you can know this as none of us know your mother and your family dynamics. Hope your sons heal quickly, one physically, the other mentally.

YABU, but if you feel so strongly about it, you could pick something up for your other son.

Difficult one. I think it is a bit insensitive of your mother (especially as the older child also has health problems that are just as real as a broken arm); but I don't think one should prevent the younger child from getting presents. I think it should be explained to the older child that the younger one is getting the presents because he has a broken arm and can't do all the fun things that he usually does. And, rather than giving the older child a present to compensate - that might just lead to comparisons between the gifts and 'but he got more/ better presents - I would take him to do something fun.

An 8 year old, so a Year 3 or Year 4 child, is of an age where its time they realised that the universe doesn't revolve around them.
On this occasion, DS2 is getting gifts because he's hurt, and dealing with the hassle and discomfort of a long cast for weeks on end.
I can totally see why DM isn't including him in the gifts. It's not about him.

However, perhaps you could sit DS1 down and have a chat? "I understand it's frustrating to see DS2 getting all this attention and gifts, and it's really easy to feel like you're being pushed aside. But it's only because we/people are concerned about DS2, and if it were you in the same situation, it would be reversed.
This isn't an easy situation for any of us, and it's going to be rough for a few weeks yet... But it would be lovely for us to do something all together when DS2 is better. Could you come up with a day trip for all of us somewhere? Is there somewhere you and DS2 would like to go?"