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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

present for one sibling- something for the other or not?

151 replies

beclev24 · 20/05/2019 00:14

2 siblings aged 5 and 8 with quite a lot of rivalry between them. Younger one breaks his arm quite badly and is in a long cast and can't do a lot of his usual activities. my DM generously says she is going to send him a box with toys/ activity books/ a new lego set etc. I know this will cause intense jealousy from older brother (he is already pretty jealous of him and he is now getting lots and lots of attention post broken arm.) . I was hoping that GM would offer to send a little something in there for his brother too (money genuinely no object here) - nothing major but maybe a colouring book or similar but she won't because she believes big brother should feel sorry for little brother and happy that for him that he has got presents etc. I would at this point rather she just didn't send anythign to either of them as it will cause way more trouble than it's worth. Genuinely curious as to whether I AIBU here and not teaching DS1 to be kind (I'm exhausted and keen to avoid an argument) or whether it is insensitive of DM. Opinions welcome.

OP posts:
shitholiday2018 · 20/05/2019 10:43

Can’t you give them the box to share? It’s an unspoken rule in our house that most stuff that comes in will end up being communal. So a colouring book might be your own, but the pens are to share. Yo can build your Lego kit first, but then it goes into the box so everyone can use it. And what goes around comes around, it means that each sibling gets to use more stuff, have a wider variety of things to use/do and they both see the benefit in that. They havent ever questioned it to be honest.

I think older siblings can have a rough deal. I’m a younger one myself so it’s not bias. I can see how from a very young age, they go from being the baby to having to do stuff for themselves, precisely because of the siblings arrival. I remember my daughter at 18 months, with few words, gently holding my hand and leading me back to cot and pointing to it, basically saying ‘mummy for gods sake put that thing down and give me a cuddle’. I have always remembered it, it was such a gentle but emotional plea.

The older one gets ‘you have to be grown up’ drip fed from very young, often is the less cute simply because they are older, gets the rules tested out on them first, is th one we make our parenting mistakes on. I completely see how they might be jealous, resentful, a bit fucked off with the world unless handled delicately. I don’t always get it right here but I try to keep an eye, and when I see she is getting fucked off, love bomb a bit, explain I know being the older one is tough, and most importantly, keep an eye out for the younger one deliberately pulling her strings or trying to get her in trouble. I did it, because sometimes it’s all your have in your armoury as a younger (slower, in every way) one, but it’s next right or fair on the eldest.

In your case, bearing in mind what you’ve said, I would either get them to share it or I would get him a little something to say ‘you’re important too’. If he is struggling, this is not the time for a bloody life lesson t life is often unfair.

NataliaOsipova · 20/05/2019 10:44

But it does not help kids develop the emotional resilience to deal with situations that are normal and cause jealousy.

Claire - quite probably. In that one instance, it doesn’t. But I don’t choose to make their birthdays a time where the other one is given an earnest lesson in emotional resilience; the emphasis is on having fun as a family and celebrating the birthday child. There are many other situations where they learn these things; in fact, it’s an ongoing process through life. My two are very good at sharing with/being happy for each other; if I (over) analyse it, I prefer to “use” birthdays to reinforce that that’s great and really valuable. But I accept that all family dynamics are different and people have different ways of doing things.

shitholiday2018 · 20/05/2019 10:44

*It’s NOT right or fair on the eldest, not next.

Goldmandra · 20/05/2019 10:45

No posters have not missed the point. They are pointing out that the OP is reinforcing the jealousy of the older one.

They really have. If the older DC had a long-standing physical illness or injury and had not received any gifts from the DGM, the responses would be very different.

EdtheBear · 20/05/2019 10:47

Given the older child's mental health I'd get some things for them to share. Board game, DVD, book or something.

Thistles24 · 20/05/2019 10:50

Unless it was a birthday, I wouldn’t get something for one and not the other! Even if it was a magazine, or just a bar of chocolate. It’s more just saying “I’m thinking of you too”. I’m guessing brother with broken arm is getting more attention right now (which he obviously needs!) but this will have some effect on the other brother too, so it’d be nice for him to get something.

MRex · 20/05/2019 11:24

I’m guessing brother with broken arm is getting more attention right now
I'm guessing the exact opposite. OP has a child DS2 who's been badly injured, but her full focus on this thread is on DS1.

Waveysnail · 20/05/2019 11:28

Little brother will need help building Lego and stuff - can he not help then. We have a rule.in our house that any new toys as gifts are that persons to play with for 2 days or a wk then they have to be shared

clairemcnam · 20/05/2019 11:32

I am quite shocked at the couple of parents on this thread who don't let their children have their own possessions.

Dandelion1993 · 20/05/2019 11:35

My children are told that sharing is nice, but if its their own stuff they don't have to if they don't want too.

Before pmaydates I tell them to put away things they don't want to share then everything else is for everyone.

Less arguments and it's much more fun.

We need to teach children to respect others property and that if they say no, then you need to respect that.

FrancisCrawford · 20/05/2019 11:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

greenlynx · 20/05/2019 11:45

I would send you “family fun box” as you all stuck indoors and restricted in your activities. DVD, a few colouring books, pencils, some haribo, box of chocolates, family game, the list of endless. And I would truly share sweets between ALL of you and play the game altogether ( at least a few first times) It all good to say that DS1 should learn but he’s only 8 and you all are affected, OP is affected as well and deserve a treat.

clairemcnam · 20/05/2019 11:48

Yes I agree that OPs focus is on DS1, which is what I suspect is causing the jealousy and anxiety.
I suspect she will get a referral to CAHMS, and then fume about how useless CAHMS are as they just blame the parents i.e. suggest to her how she is reinforcing the jealousy and anxiety and what she needs to do to tackle this issue,
Sorry to be cynical, but I have seen this cycle a few times now.

Geminijes · 20/05/2019 11:51

I don't think the Op. is telling the full story.

What has happened to the 8 year old at such a young age to cause him to be intensely jealous of his brother to the extent of him being depressed and under mental health services?

Is the younger son favoured by yourself or other close family members?

I think you have a bigger problem than just the younger son receiving a gift from your Mum.

It does sound as if you have created some of the jealousy. No way should both boys be receiving gifts on each other's birthday.
Birthdays are special to children and only the birthday boy should get gifts.

NataliaOsipova · 20/05/2019 11:55

I am quite shocked at the couple of parents on this thread who don't let their children have their own possessions.

There’s definitely a middle ground in a family context, I think; I find it equally odd to have an approach that all things belong to one child and are not for the other for all eternity. Would I let DD2 have something of DD1’s? Depends what it is. Something new she’d recently been bought/chosen and really wanted? Obviously not - that’s definitely “hers”. But a toy she’s had for years and not looked at for most of those? A book on the shelf she’d read that was now appropriate for her sister? If DD2 wanted to play with/take that, I wouldn’t have a problem with it. It’s part of being in a family; DD2 has more stuff around for her use, DD1 gets more new stuff. As long as you respect things that they consider “special”, I think it’s a better approach.

Drogosnextwife · 20/05/2019 11:57

Tbh I think it depends on the child. A child that doesn't expect much and doesn't make a fuss when the other gets something, I would probably buy them a little something too. I always usually do that if a sibling is born and there is an older child.
A spoiled brat who expects to be given presents just because their sibling is, I would not buy them a present and indulge their behavior.

Teddybear45 · 20/05/2019 11:58

I’m going to say that if 5 yo can receive presents for being hurt (and 8 yo is expected to understand) then you can also take the 8 yo by himself to the park and make it clear to the 5 yo that he stays behind because he’s hurt.

If either one of these scenarios isn’t suitable then neither is the other.

clairemcnam · 20/05/2019 12:01

Natalia I agree with that as long as the child agrees that her toy or book can be given to the younger child. It is normal to hand down things in this way. It is also fine to have some toys that are joint. But it is normal for kids to have things that are theirs.

shitholiday2018 · 20/05/2019 12:04

I’m always amazed at parents who allow kids to think its normal not to share and put away toys when people come to play. Wtaf?! My children have never questioned it because we model it as normal - they ‘share’ our tech, our money, our stuff too. It’s being a family.

Very early on we went to a play date where the children weren’t allowed to touch either the Lego or the tea set. It left very little. I intervened and said ‘but they need to be able to plsy with something X?’. Mum said nothing. We left soon afterwards. That child now has huge issues going to school because she can’t make friends. She can’t accept school rules because they don’t revolve around her. I have no doubt that their approach on sharing - allowing her to rule the roost on this and other issues from birth - has led to the current mess they find themselves in.

This is extreme of course. But in a family you get so much more if you pool Resources. As in life, then.

llangennith · 20/05/2019 12:34

Assuming DS1 has friends can you not ask the parents of one of them to have your son to play after school? Or take him to football? Life has to go on even if one DC has a fracture or illness.

BlueCornishPixie · 20/05/2019 13:12

Me and my brother got presents on each other's birthday, just a small thing and I can honestly say as a child I could not give a fuck if my brother got a present on my birthday.

A birthday is still special, it didn't detract from getting my meal, party, cake, presents I got. I also liked the exitement of seeing what he got, . But I don't see how you can say children need to learn to accept others have presents, and then say a child gettung a present is going to ruin from a child's birthday.

I think it's a bit mean to not give anything to DS1, he's struggling and is going to be watching everyone fuss over DS2, just a magazine or colouring book type thing.

Goldmandra · 20/05/2019 13:36

What has happened to the 8 year old at such a young age to cause him to be intensely jealous of his brother to the extent of him being depressed and under mental health services?

That sort of parent-blaming is bad enough when it is professionals doing it, never mind other parents.

Children can have mental health difficulties for all sorts of reasons that have nothing to do with parenting.

That whole post is shitty and judgemental.

clairemcnam · 20/05/2019 13:44

Goldmandra And parents can reinforce their children's mental health difficulties without being aware they are doing it, or can contribute towards them.
One good example is anxiety. It is well known that seeking to remove what makes a child anxious (unless it is actually something dangerous) reinforces that anxiety and makes it worse. But some parents think they are helping their child and do exactly that.

anothernotherone · 20/05/2019 13:50

I would bet any amount of money that if the 8 year old was the younger sibling and his 11 year old brother had broken his arm, the 8 year old would be recieving gifts and sympathy for having his activities curtailed by older brother's accident.

I think for many people it's not about him being 8, it's about him being the oldest. Being the oldest always means you should understand, suck it up, think of others, be kind.

Younger siblings are indulged and made allowances for at ages when older siblings are the ones expected to indulge and make the allowances.

Goldmandra · 20/05/2019 13:51

@clairemcnam, the fact that it could happen does not make it OK to make accusations when there is absolutely no evidence that it has happened.