present for one sibling- something for the other or not?

[beclev24]

2 siblings aged 5 and 8 with quite a lot of rivalry between them. Younger one breaks his arm quite badly and is in a long cast and can't do a lot of his usual activities. my DM generously says she is going to send him a box with toys/ activity books/ a new lego set etc. I know this will cause intense jealousy from older brother (he is already pretty jealous of him and he is now getting lots and lots of attention post broken arm.) . I was hoping that GM would offer to send a little something in there for his brother too (money genuinely no object here) - nothing major but maybe a colouring book or similar but she won't because she believes big brother should feel sorry for little brother and happy that for him that he has got presents etc. I would at this point rather she just didn't send anythign to either of them as it will cause way more trouble than it's worth. Genuinely curious as to whether I AIBU here and not teaching DS1 to be kind (I'm exhausted and keen to avoid an argument) or whether it is insensitive of DM. Opinions welcome.

anothermotherone Sometimes that is the dynamic. But sometimes younger kids can be ignored in favour of older ones. This is what happened to my DP who is the youngest and was pretty much ignored by his parents and sidelined in favour of the oldest ones.

Goldmandra I think, and so do some others on this thread, that what the OP is doing just reinforces the eldest jealousy. I understand why this happens, it is an easy trap to fall into.

@clairemcnam, the post I quoted accused her of a lot more than creating some jealousy.

If I was the GM, I would be sending the little one a big box of Lego and the older child a smaller box of Lego.
Giving the younger one a big box of various goodies for the younger one and absolutely nothing for the older one is unkind, I think and will produce even more jealously.

I've always given the other sibling a little something. Never been any jealously in our house. If that was my younger child getting a big box of goodies and his big sister getting nothing, then he would automatically give his sister something from his goodie pile without being asked.

wow- just caught up with the thread. Some useful replies on here- thank you but also some really shitty and misinformed ones about MH

To set the record straight on the MH stuff- no depression and anxiety in an 8 year old are not necessarily situational. There are many reasons for MH problems (the thinking now is that clinical depression which is often genetic has its roots in early childhood. But that's another for another post and he is currently being assessed for various other systemic conditions that can cause or exacerbate this.) It is a HUGE struggle for him and the whole family, and uninformed parent blaming is not helpful. I have no problem with those answering my OP and saying that IABU about the getting a present thing of course, (many helpful and reasonable posts on here saying exactly that) but not extrapolating that I am to blame for his mental health problems because of it. this is a huge leap and an offensive one. Yes, parenting has a role in MH for sure. But MH problems are also an illness. To jump to the conclusion that his MH issues are my fault with no further information or context is more damaging than those posting probably realise and spreads harmful misconceptions about MH.

As for the presents on each others' birthdays thing. They chose to do this, and buy the presents for each other from their pocket money (we don't buy these gifts.) They get excited to do this and I think it is sweet.

In normal life I definitely don't favour DS1- I try very hard to give them equal time and attention. We also have a 17 month old though (and a lot of DS1's problems started after he was born) so they both probably get less attention than they should which is a bigger issue.

At the moment it is very hard to do the 'take DS1 out on his own' thing- my husband travels a lot with work, so am on my own with the 3 kids a lot of the time and we have no family around here for support and no friends that we can really ask for this type of help unless in an emergency. DS2 will be able to go out in a few days again, but still will be extremely hard to get him to sit and colour on the bench at the park (he is a very physical kid and will make a beeline straight for the climbing frame etc)

As for the substance of my question- thanks to those that have posted. i am thinking hard about this and whether this is the time in DS1's life to make this point or whether as some posters have said- a token gift to acknowledge that he has been ill too and this is also hard on him would avoid exacerbating an already difficult dynamic. I can honestly see both sides.

I've never made my kids share - if my neighbor saw that I'd got a new car and demanded to borrow it for their school run I'd say no, and children have the same right to personal possessions. Obviously when they were small anything they didn't want to share because it was set up mid-play or was breakable or special to them was put out of sight

I always think that never being forced to share is exactly why they do share without ever being promoted. There's no need to resource guard so they are relaxed about objects. Mine would all share if only one received a box like the one described, but I wouldnt make them.

Beclev24 my last post was directed at the tangential comments on sharing, not at your update.

@anothernotherone thanks- yours was totally fine!- was referring to comments upthread about MH/ depression etc.

If you think that DS1 deserves a present because he's ill, then get him a present, but it's a bit strange imo to wait until DS2 is also ill before doing so.

strugglingtodomybest eh? I didn't think either of them 'needed' presents because they were ill. This was DM sending a large box of presents to one child and none for the other.

you have three children. You don’t seem concerned that DC didn’t get a present, just DS 1

Her DC3 is 17 months old. Surely you realise that presents have no significance at that age.

Her DC3 also does not have chronic poor mental health that ought to be acknowledged in the same way as poor physical health.

I would give something to the other one too. I couldnt leave one out.

Sorry I didnt realise you had 3 so I would get for all but thats because its activities and the others have missed out whilst dc has had to stay in. And a little bit because its from a grandparent (Just know when I am a grandparent I know I will try and be as fair as possible and wouldnt want to leave a child out)
But I dont see why on birthdays you get a small present for the kid whose birthday it isnt? A persons birthday is the perfect time to teach a child that its nice to do something for someone else on their birthday and at this time it isnt about them.

While I think your wrong saying both need a gift everytime something happens...
In this case things will be strained due to the dynamics,. Explain to the eldest that sometimes this happens...
Tell him granny is sending a get well soon parcel, and his job is too deliver it to his brother,. That you are sure , child with broken arm will need help using it....
Being able to have time to accept the gift is coming, will deminish the jealousy ...

I think an ideal gift would be something that takes two, that they can play together, and that both will enjoy.

Sell it to MIL as enabling big either to help the younger through the boredom.

Walkie Talkies that they can use room to room, even Nerf guns that can be fired from the sofa, marble race, UNO.....

I wasn't worried about a gift for DC3 as he is 17 months old and has no idea any of this is happening.

We don't buy the presents for the other one on their birthdays- they buy a small thing for each other out of their pocket money- their idea.

DM won't get a gift for both of them as she is adamant that DS1 needs to learn this lesson. She suggested that DS1 choose the gifts for DS2 on Amazon or whatever but I really think that is pushing it too far.

Not if you get your DS1 to be part of the giving process...
DS. Come see , what can we get for DS2 as a gift so he is not bored...imagine his surprise when we don't go out and it comes in the post....
What do you think would be fun...

She suggested that DS1 choose the gifts for DS2 on Amazon or whatever but I really think that is pushing it too far.

That's nasty.

I'd be keeping her at arm's length for a while until DS1 is feeling more robust.

I would be quite direct and tell her that she either sends something for the family to enjoy together or nothing.

You could also offer him jobs to do round the house, and pay him,. Then he can buy something as well ..

DS. Come see , what can we get for DS2 as a gift so he is not bored...imagine his surprise when we don't go out and it comes in the post....
What do you think would be fun...

That's nice Mummy but I am bored too, do I get something too?

I think trying to get him excited about a non birthday present for his brother is rubbing his nose in it a bit.
OP- why is MIL so keen on teaching him this lesson? Does she generally prefer DC2, is she usually fair with both of them?

If these were my children OP I’d be upset too. In a different situation I’d say DS1 needs to learn he can’t always have the same as DS2 but given the MH issues you’ve outlined I don’t think that would be appropriate. Mental illness is just as real as physical illness and for DS1 having to watch DS2 get treats for having a broken arm when he feels bad and probably can’t even explain why fully, he’s only 8, is going to make him feel very left out and not validate his illness at all which is a massive NO where depression and anxiety are concerned. Both your DS should get boxes because they’re both struggling, one physically, one mentally. A broken arm is no less real than depression and anxiety. The fact that things have changed as DS2 has to stay in, hospital appointments etc. is probably making things even harder on DS1, I can imagine these will have contributed to his anxiety, he doesn’t need to feel left out as well. Now is not a good time to start teaching life lessons.

Also I think what your DS do for each other on their birthdays is really lovely and shows they already understand each others’ feelings and how to make things special for other people. No lesson needed!

"DM won't get a gift for both of them as she is adamant that DS1 needs to learn this lesson. "

Your judgemental, interfering mother is a significant part of the issue. She should be helping as best she can in a way that helps the situation, not using this as a way to force a child 'to learn his lesson'.

I would probably give the box to both, or tell her she can give a gift but no thank you f it is part of some mean minded plan. And then buy them some things they can do together.

It is fair enough that an injured child gets treats to see them though, but not right that your mother decides to use this to interfere with your parenting.

Is she part of the issue in a wider sense?

"We don't buy the presents for the other one on their birthdays- they buy a small thing for each other out of their pocket money- their idea."

Sorry op I only realised this after
I posted what I said.

to the pp who asked if my mother is part of the issue in a wider sense. It's complicated. She definitely isn't causing the rivalry or DS1's mental health issues. She generally treats them fairly.

But she has been very dismissive of DS1's mental health issues- it took her absolutely ages of me saying how desperate we were etc etc for her to even acknowledge that there was a problem. She generally would just pass his distress off as him being a "bit grumpy" and there's defnitely a sense that she thinks that we just need to be stricter with him and he is doing it for attention or something (she doesn't say this outright but it is kind of obvious from lots of little comments/ digs) . I'm finding this all very hard and really want her support iwith DS1's problems and generally with 3 kids, including a very active 17 month old and now with DS2's broken arm but find her quite undermining. In this situation I felt she was deliberately throwing a grenade into an already very difficult situation all round for no real benefit just to make a point (I don't think DS1 watching Ds2 open a huge box of presents from his GM when he is already feeling hugely vulnerable will help his feelings of jealousy/ rivalry and I think it could do him some harm at this point.) .