present for one sibling- something for the other or not?

[beclev24]

2 siblings aged 5 and 8 with quite a lot of rivalry between them. Younger one breaks his arm quite badly and is in a long cast and can't do a lot of his usual activities. my DM generously says she is going to send him a box with toys/ activity books/ a new lego set etc. I know this will cause intense jealousy from older brother (he is already pretty jealous of him and he is now getting lots and lots of attention post broken arm.) . I was hoping that GM would offer to send a little something in there for his brother too (money genuinely no object here) - nothing major but maybe a colouring book or similar but she won't because she believes big brother should feel sorry for little brother and happy that for him that he has got presents etc. I would at this point rather she just didn't send anythign to either of them as it will cause way more trouble than it's worth. Genuinely curious as to whether I AIBU here and not teaching DS1 to be kind (I'm exhausted and keen to avoid an argument) or whether it is insensitive of DM. Opinions welcome.

I think any child seeing one sibling getting a load of new toys esp if they are same gender would feel jealous and its asking an awful lot for them to smile and say good for him.
I would get something for older son as well, activity book or small Lego set etc and encourage them to play together and share all the new things.

YABVVVU and making a rod for your own back.

Presents on each other's birthdays so they don't get jealous is setting them up for such ridiculous disappointment and entitlement when they get older. It also feeds their jealousy when one gets something and the other doesn't because they need everything to be fair. I would hate to be in your house when they get older and one makes the sports team and the other doesn't. Or one gets a part in the play and the other doesn't. Forced equity to spare feelings doesn't work, because that is not how the world works. One of the reasons children open presents at birthday parties is to socialise them to get used to the importance of giving with out getting, and also teaching graciousness about receiving. If everyone is getting gifts, it just is about the new toys and entitlement.

Have you talked to your 8 year old about his jealousy? Come up with a plan together to help him gain the skills to combat these feelings? It sounds like this is somethig you need to tackle head on. When DS5 is playing with the toys, why not take your DS8 out for a walk one on one. That way you can give attention to him and actually talk about how he is feeling. Set up new family rules saying that you love them equally, but sometimes one sibling is going to need more than the other, and that is OK. It is not a competition.

Also, I think you would do well to teach your children about the joys of giving. When someone feels sad, its nice to make something for them. Let the 8 year old know that breaking your arm is very painful and annoying, you can't play the same way, you can't do all the fun things he can do, you can't go swimming etc. Foster sharing and empathy with your children, not entitlement and scorekeeping.

I think there is a lot more to this story. Why is a 8 year old under mental health services for depression?

Why is he so jealous and resentful of his brother? So intense are his feelings this is partly the reason for his depression you say.

I feel any advice here is irrelevant without that additional information. This is not a 'normal' sibling rivalry.

I'm sorry OP but I can't help but think if grandma sent a 'cheer up' package for the depressed child you wouldn't ask her to send anything for the younger child.

I know you say you don't favour one but your son has a broken arm and the fact the doctor told him to rest inside shows it must be bad as most broken arms you can still go out and about. You need to teach your older child that he needs to care for his brother.

I had a sister with some issues, as the younger child I was often told to not get things or hide accomplishments as to not upset her. It's ended with her being extremely entitled and successful and me being average from 18 years of living at home and hiding any success and learning to not bother. An example would be I wasn't allowed any of the same GCSEs or Alevel subjects as they were 'hers', my mum told me I had to do what she said as it was easier and I knew how my sister would get.

I could write pages but I just wanted to show how you prefering the depressed child and trying to help them will negatively impact your other child.

I'm wondering why your child is being given 'presents' for having a broken arm? I think this is the root of the problem actually. I can see that you as parents might want to buy them a little treat to make them feel better after the initial trauma of going to hospital etc, but a box of stuff from granny is going too far. I'm assuming granny doesn't live nearby? In that case, if she does send stuff, don't present it as a gift, rather just as things he can do whilst he's holed up. So that would be a comic, a book to read, a colouring book and nice felt pens etc. And I would be expecting his brother to do some of the activities with him.
If you feel you're not able to go out with the boys, just take one to the park and leave the other one at home with his dad, maybe watching a film together. In fact, why not take them both to the cinema?

As an aside, I also find it bizarre when a parent gets a sibling a present on their other child's birthday. Why? The only time this is a good idea is if they are twins!

I think your unreasonable and are going to end up with very spoilt children.

Boy, are you creating a monster.

You are feeding his entitlement. You are confirming his anxieties (will I/won't I get a present for brother's birthday). You are being THAT parent that is afraid of her own child.

When you sit exams, no one gives you a prize for not getting an A because your brother did. When you apply for jobs, there is no consolation prize for the unsuccessful candidates.

You learn in childhood, the lessons for adult life and you are teaching him that whatever happens in his life he will be rewarded. He isn't learning gently how to be a good sport. He isn't learning how to manage disappointment.

Apart from anything else, you are minimising the poor kid who has the broken arm or the birthday or any other success that his brother piggybacks onto!

A better way would be for your injured son to thank MIL for the busy box and then discuss firmly with them how sharing is going to work.

I'd get the box and say it was sent for both of them. And presents for non birthday child - on the brother's birthday? No way....why? It's ridiculous

When DS5 is playing with the toys, why not take your DS8 out for a walk one on one.

AIBU to leave my (injured) 5 year old alone at home so I can take my 8 year old out for a walk?

Imagine the responses that would get! 🤣🤣

AIBU to leave my (injured) 5 year old alone at home so I can take my 8 year old out for a walk?

Clearly I meant leave the DS5 with adult supervision. But I also feel with this micromanaging entitlement, she will be the mum that panics when they are 16 and -gasp- takes the bus alone.

I'm going to go against the trend here as I think having depression is just as deserving of a gift as breaking an arm. I would have hoped that your mother had sent a present to your older son when she was told of his depression if she's going to send one for your youngest broken arm.

Op I'm with you, I'd put stuff in for both boys.

Kid breaks arm, everyone fusses round and spoils him.
Kid has anxiety, every one backs off and doesn't talk about it.

Ds8 isn't well either, what has she done to cheer him up?

Why does he have to stay inside with a broken arm?? Doesn't he have a cast on?

Also an 8yr old being 'depressed' and suffering from anxiety is almost always situational. They don't even have the emotional range at that age to get a proper diagnosis

You are rearing a monster tbh, OP, if you don't pack it in and let DS1 build resilience.

Agreed that anxiety and depression will be situational, and no a present for this would not be appropriate. What needs to happen is the cause needs to be found and dealt with - although I recognise that is not always easy.

And giving a present to both on one child's birthday is likely to increase sibling rivalry.

Why on earth would you buy the non-birthday children presents too? No wonder there's an increasing sense of entitlement in society if it's all 'they've got something, I DESERVE something too' confused

Oh, FFS. It’s not about desert, or entitlement. In my case, it’s just about sharing a bit of the birthday “magic” when I have kids who share their stuff very willingly all year. They know it’s their sibling’s special day; there’s no jealousy, no entitlement. It’s just a bit of fun and they’re both enormously enthusiastic about each other’s special day.

In this case, I agree with OP. The older child is affected by the broken arm as well, so either send stuff for both of them or send him something small as well.

Natalia But it does not help kids develop the emotional resilience to deal with situations that are normal and cause jealousy.

I remember watching the programme about 4 year olds. They often have competitions in that programme with small prizes. There was one 4 year old the first time who threw a tantrum when he did not win. By the end of the week he was able to congratulate a friend who had won, when he had not. Of course he was still disappointed, but he had learned how to handle those feelings.
Children who don't learn how to manage normal feelings like jealousy and disappointment with age appropriate occasions, are going to have a hard time dealing with jealousy and disappointment at times when you can't try and make it "fairer".
For me it is not about entitlement, it is about developing good mental health through emotional resilience.

My elder DS was like this, a terrible loser and very jealous of his younger brother. We'd have regular tantrums when he was young at any perceived slight etc. My MIL overcompensated like crazy (bought my younger DS a coat for Christmas, bought my elder DS a full-sized piano) and all it did was exacerbate the issue. DS1 came to expect better treatment and wound himself into a state if he didn't get it - he also started to equate not getting special treatment with being slighted so it spilled over into school and social life. He suffered from anxiety but in all honesty, I think that pandering to him made it worse.

By the age of 6 we'd had enough and put our foot down. No more gifts on his brother's birthday, no more prizes when he didn't actually win, no more giving in to a meltdown if we didn't get him what he wanted etc... It was tough, because we had to step up and do the harder part of parenting (saying no!) and deal with the fallout. Over the following few months though he changed into a far nicer, more empathetic child and the meltdowns became a thing of the past. His anxiety all but disappeared too.

He's a teenager now and a little sod, but that one's all down to hormones!

I'd recommend taking the harder path, OP, it does pay off in the long run. My DS was losing friends and not doing well at school because of his attitude, I hate to think what he'd be like now if we hadn't.

I agree with your mum in principle that the 8yr old is old enough to know that he doesn't need a present when his brother breaks him arm but in reality....

In reality I would probably have sent something that meant the boys could play together. I imagine it would be quite frustrating for a 5yr old to see his friends running off to do stuff he can't. I'd have maybe sent a big Lego set for the 5yr old and a smaller, complimentary set for the 8yr old.
Or a family "movie night" parcel with a new DVD, snacks, and a blanket each for you all to enjoy together.

I understand his feelings of jealousy and though as an adult, you might be able to see that it's irrational, no-one should feed it just to make a point.

You really need to stop with the birthday presents when it's not their birthday. My mil does it with my kids even though I've asked her not to and told her why

It's ridiculous. DS2 is getting a gift because he's broken his arm, can't play out, is presumably off school and needs cheering up. He can do the colouring and Lego while his brother is at school to entertain himself.

You really aren't doing either of them any favours here, they need to learn about life rather than be pampered like this

I think quizzlybears post is an important one and shows how we can unwittingly reinforce sibling jealousy. I suspect that you are also reinforcing it OP, and that your mum is trying to correct the balance.

It's sad that so many posters have completely missed that there are two children with health issues here.

Your 8YO has a lot more to deal with than his younger brother. To allow someone to buy your DS2 a gift for a broken arm without acknowledging that he is also unwell feels very unreasonable.

Either both children get gifts or neither does. That's not because of the jealousy or because children should always get gifts if their sibling does. It's because your DS2 has a chronic mental health problem that makes his life difficult every day. His younger brother finds life much easier and then, when he suddenly has an issue (which is likely to be resolved much more quickly), he gets showered with gifts. That would feel awful.

I would ask your DM to send gifts for both boys or for the family, acknowledging that you're all having a tough time at the moment.

Oh and I agree that fractures and their complications come in many forms. One child can be patched up and out playing the next day whereas another will need to rest and stay quiet for a while first. We've had both in our house and have followed the advice from medics about managing them.

No posters have not missed the point. They are pointing out that the OP is reinforcing the jealousy of the older one.

He needs to understand that not everything is about him. Likewise times will come where he gets presents and sibling won't