To wish they’d stick to the bloody gift list (wedding)!?!?

[ArchieRevival]

DP and I get married next week.

We’ve been very considerate- put on all transport- invited kids- tailored food/drinks to personal preferences...etc.

Gifts are not expected, not at all and I was very clear about that. However we put together a small honeymoon gift list (ranging from £5-£100) and asked that anyone who did want to buy us something either select from the list- or make a charitable donation to our selected dementia charity.

DP and I live in a city centre terrace with limited space and are are TTC. We make a huge effort to avoid waste (random plastic tat) and generally dontate the majority of Christmas/birthday gunk to charity shops. The LAST thing I want to return from honeymoon to, is a load of generic gift crap.

Today I heard that my Uncle (the worst offender for gift gunk) has ignored our requests and instead had a A1 size murial artwork commissioned 😡😒 all I know is that it includes our wedding date and according to my mum is ‘...very bold’- which is her code for bloody awful!

I do not want this. I will not display this and I’m already struggling to fake gratuity for this unwanted item!

Why would anybody think that buying somebody else a large gaudy artwork rather than something they actually asked for is appropriate?

I’ve threatened not to send a Thank You card - obviously I will - but It’s really upset me that he couldn’t just respect our wishes!

Fully willing to be told AIBU.... but REALLY?

YANBU. you sound extremely considerate and people who give personalised gifts unsolicited and just passive aggressive

@MummyParanoia101 depends on the size of the block, hopefully it wasn't the size of a small car or something

@mummy 🤔

Why would you feel embarrassed over a £25 or £30 donation? I personally wouldn’t care if someone gave £5 I’d just rather it went to charity/ what we’d asked for than on something we’d never use again!

I don’t think it’s the price that matters, it’s the respecting of wishes!

OMG are you still going on about this OP!

Seen the art yet, OP?

Don't feel bad Mummy, most people are far more appreciative** than the OP. I'm sure your friend was touched at your thoughtfulness.

why would you give them a crystal block if they didnt want gifts? its rude and they'll feel they have to display it even if they hate it.

Wait and see what it's like before you react, OP. You might like it. If not, laugh! Tell him it's obviously a joke and put it on eBay.
(I'm in a funny mood this morning )

I would practise "blurting out" "OMG, that's hideous". And then "Oh I'm sorry, it just slipped out, but I think you should keep this artwork as a memento of our day, as YOU obviously love it."

MiL once gave us a hideous picture she'd painted (and she does paint really well usually) and I made OH gently tell her that it wasn't really our thing and to take it back, so I am pretty evil.

You're coming across fairly badly OP. You sound like such a snob 'our eco car, high earners', surrounded by awful tat from your embarrassing commoner acquaintances that just don't get etiquette as well as you do . I'm cracking up.

Someone wanted to get you a gift, that's nice of them. If you don't like it, don't display it, nobody is making you. Say thanks and mean it, as is good manners and indicative of a balanced person, and dispose of it when you receive it if it isn't going to be used or appreciated -chuck it in the loft/paint over it if it's a canvas, use the frame, do whatever. The endless insinuation that the issue is that it's too lowbrow for you is silly though; I'm really not sure it could be more embarrassing or crass than requesting your wedding guests buy you and the groom a whole load of presents by way of a list. Or be worse behaviour than having a paddy about being bought a gift that wasn't sanctioned whilst moaning and mocking that which doesn't meet your apparent social class barometer. Is your DH posher than you or something and you are trying to directly in, or are you just both awful snobs? I haven't actually attended a wedding that had a gift list in some time and perhaps it is your etiquette that lacks if you think saying 'no gifts' and then putting a gift list in is not still, directly requesting specific gifts, or if you speak about peoples gifts and refer to them as 'embarrassing'.

It's not about snobbishness, it's about trying to stem the tide against ridiculous over consumerism that's killing the planet.

Is it fuck! It wouldn’t be about that at all if it was something she wanted. She’d be snatching his hand off.

Do people not have relatives like mine who when invited round look for their previous presents to be on display? No chance I could give them away to charity shops until after they've gone.

My husband's gran actually painted us something herself.

She is an incredibly talented painter, but my god, it's awful. The subject matter is odd (not obscene, but not really something I'd want to sit looking at all the time IYSWIM), and the style is incredibly obviously completely different to anything we like.

We put it on the stairs, because I actually like to glance at it as I go along and remember what a nice thing it was to do, and wish I can get her to paint us something lovely in the future! I just don't want to sit with it where I can see it.

Feel a tiny bit bad because others gave us artwork much more to our taste which are all positioned prominently in the house, but that's the risk you take when you buy/make others art.

I completely agree with @dontgobaconmyheart

You think you are better than them with your eco car, high earning power, minimalist lifestyle, blah blah blah.
But frankly, giving your wedding guests a dress code isn't exactly classy imho

You will get some stuff like this. Say thank you, send a card, and put it in the loft. You will laugh about it when you have been married 25 years! With weddings there's always some suck it up moments (one of ours was when my parents in law, who took it on themselves to arrange the photographer, told us with 10 days to go that he had anxiety issues and wouldn't be coming .....but no mention of helping us find or fund another at such a late stage.) Then, we found one, and they spent all day moaning because he wasn't a particularly good communicator (which was true but FFS)

In terms of gifts, we received bright orange towels (gift list requested white towels)....the kids didn't even want them when they went to Uni - preferred the older white ones from home! They are still in our loft.

I totally appreciate some people think I’m being a snob, not wanting a pile of ‘stuff’ I don’t actually want, or need, and which can’t be re sold/re gifted.

I’m glad that the majority of the thread have agreed though and can see where I’m coming from. It’s not about the gift! It’s about the waste!

Yes if it was something I really LOVED then I’d be like ‘cool’ ...because it would then be used and appreciated. That doesn’t make me hypocritical or snobby, it’s just common sense and not liking waste/ encouraging waste!

I also hate food waste - so let’s play out this situation in terms of food and see if that helps the few feet stampers to see my point more!

You go to your grans house and she’s making a load of sandwiches.
“Are you hungry” she asks?
“No thank you” you say
“But you MUST have something” she demands.
“Ok. Well maybe just a small plain cheese” you say. Seeing that there are quite a few other options on the go that you don’t like!

“Here you go!” She says, ignoring your request and dumping a giant Brussel sprout and tripe baguette in front of you!

Gran likes brussel sprouts and tripe ... but you’re trying not to vomit as you push it away and think “FFS I’d have rather had nothing- a plain cheese at a push- but I’m not eating this! What a waste! And why did you even bother asking if you were then just going to ignore me?

Whether it’s a sandwich, a piece of art or anything else ... if it’s not wanted, or ever going to be used then it’s just a waste!

What a weird analogy.

You don't get to go to your grans house and demand precisely what food you want. It's her house and she chooses what to make for dinner. Even if it's not your favourite food, you behave politely because she's done a nice thing. Would it be ideal if she asked you what she wanted for dinner before you went? Sure. But she's not obliged to.

I also think it's very unlikely that the same people who asked for a gift list are the same ones who go on to choose a "off-list" gift.

Thing is this item will have been done by the time you get it. So theres no extra waste at that point, sadly.

@PCohle

🤔 you would think that wouldn’t you?
My uncles wife was amongst the loudest demanders of a gift list. As soon as they got it they appear to have shrugged their shoulders and gone ‘off list’.

🤔 are you deliberately missing the point? I ask because it’s not a situation where granny is making one specific meal and you just happen to be a picky sod. She’s making sandwiches, multiple choices of filling lying around the kitchen (honeymoon list/charity donation/nothing/random art work) but she SPECIFICALLY chooses to ignore your preferences and force her own preferences onto you!

At what point is granny just being an asshole?

A friend of mine has come for tea and just offered ‘Its like going on a dinner date with a guy, and him automatically ordering off the menu for you and it’s not what you wanted or would have chosen for yourself ...but he pays for the meal so you should just be grateful for whatever right?!?!🤔 We wouldn’t be ok with that...so why is it the same with gifts?

Uncle thinks it is something lovely. You should appreciate that.

@Mamma

He doesn’t though. Nobody knows my uncle better than my mother (I doubt even his current/third wife).

He just likes the spotlight. As I said earlier in this thread. If I genuinely thought it was coming from a ‘good’ place I would be very grateful. He just wants to set himself apart from the crowd and have something to show off about. He’ll no doubt bring it unwrapped to the actual wedding 😬 and show it off!

Granny is making one meal - the gift giver gets to pick whatever gift they like. The fact that you've provided granny with a million options of what you'd like doesn't make a blind bit of difference to the fact that it is kind and thoughtful of her to be cooking for you at all. You are being the picky sod.

It's nothing like your date ordering for you. When you eat out you choose what to order, if your date doesn't respect that he's being a dick. When you go to granny's house you eat what she gives you. If you don't respect that you're being a dick.

When you get a gift the giver chooses what to give you. Why is that hard for you to grasp 🤔🤔🤔

sorry, that made me laugh but I feel your pain.

Can you post a picture once the artwork is ready

I have just read this entire thread (don’t even know how, got sucked in) and I don’t understand the people accusing you of being dramatic and ungrateful. People compose wedding lists to let their guests know what they actually want or need, it comes across as very self serving (IMO) to go ‘off list’ because you presume you know what the bride and groom will like more than they do. Just give money to charity if you can’t bear to use a wedding list.

Also thought your sandwich analogy was perfectly accurate. Granny asks you if you’d like a sandwich. You say no thank you. Then she insists on making you a sandwich as you’ve gone through the trouble of visiting. So you notice some cheese in the fridge and say ok thank you, just a small cheese sandwich. So she makes you something else because she’s the one making the sandwiches and she’s decided you’d rather have that. You can’t do much about it but it’s weird and completely defeats the point of asking you what you wanted in the first place.