To wish they’d stick to the bloody gift list (wedding)!?!?

[ArchieRevival]

DP and I get married next week.

We’ve been very considerate- put on all transport- invited kids- tailored food/drinks to personal preferences...etc.

Gifts are not expected, not at all and I was very clear about that. However we put together a small honeymoon gift list (ranging from £5-£100) and asked that anyone who did want to buy us something either select from the list- or make a charitable donation to our selected dementia charity.

DP and I live in a city centre terrace with limited space and are are TTC. We make a huge effort to avoid waste (random plastic tat) and generally dontate the majority of Christmas/birthday gunk to charity shops. The LAST thing I want to return from honeymoon to, is a load of generic gift crap.

Today I heard that my Uncle (the worst offender for gift gunk) has ignored our requests and instead had a A1 size murial artwork commissioned 😡😒 all I know is that it includes our wedding date and according to my mum is ‘...very bold’- which is her code for bloody awful!

I do not want this. I will not display this and I’m already struggling to fake gratuity for this unwanted item!

Why would anybody think that buying somebody else a large gaudy artwork rather than something they actually asked for is appropriate?

I’ve threatened not to send a Thank You card - obviously I will - but It’s really upset me that he couldn’t just respect our wishes!

Fully willing to be told AIBU.... but REALLY?

Seriously, what is this cycle you keep talking about? How often does a grown woman expect to get gifts from her uncle in the future?

If people will be taking the off list presents to the reception, sounds like you think uncle might want to be showing the artwork off if he likes making things be about him. So can you get your mum to tell him (and the others) not to take it to the venue as you’re not going to be able to transport it home with you after the wedding (be vague about it being directly from the wedding or the next day) so could they leave everything with your mother please.

Then at least you won’t have the thing at your wedding and niggling you all night and have the grief of picking it up.

If he asks what you think of it, gush ‘Fabulous just isn’t the word for it!’ then follow up closely with a quick ‘and I’m so thrilled that as it’s our wedding you didn’t try to kill us off like you did at Christmas, although I did think that was a bit of an extreme way to try to get out of coming to the wedding!!’ All said with a big smile and gush and hopefully it will sound at the time that you liked it, you haven’t lied (because fabulous isn’t the word that you’d use - that honour would have been fought out between awful and dreadful) and maybe at some point he will realise that you never actually said that you liked it but chances are he won’t.

We had to get the off-list presents home after our reception too and it was logistically quite tricky - we also had a small car - think dh managed to sort it at the time. But definitely worth planning in advance and getting as many people to avoid taking things there in the first place!

But it's not just this one gift, it's gifts for birthdays, Christmas, Valetines and Mother's day etc.

Probably 90% of it is unwanted. Totally wasteful pointless consumerism.

Yabu because mentioning gifts in any context other that ‘please don’t worry about gifts, we just want to see you at the wedding’ is crass, nasty, and grabby. You should assure people that they aren’t obligated to give you anything and then graciously accept whatever they are kind enough to offer you anyway. Gift lists, honeymoon funds, and fucking BANK DETAILS ON THE INVITATION (which I saw just recently) May be socially acceptable but that doesn’t make it right. Buy your own organic crystal spoon rest and save up and pay for your own honeymoon.

Wanting to dictate the gifts other people give you because you are trying to be less ‘consumerist’ is the the most hilariously hypocritical and delusional thing I’ve heard in a while.

Who gets a Valentine's Day gift from their uncle??

^^ Totally agree Barbara, there is so much unnecessary stuff in our lives, every.single.day I find something to take to the charity shop (3 things by 8am this morning ).

I celebrated a milestone birthday this year, I would have loved to celebrate with family & friends but one of the main reasons I didn’t throw a party was that, whatever I said, I knew I would be given stuff I just don’t want or need. I am fortunate in that I have more than enough possessions in my life, I don’t want plants, wine (few people get exactly the right wine). I love charity donations but so many people seem to dislike giving them, a bunch of flowers is nice but anything else is just an absolute waste of money, I know I am very, very lucky to be able to say this but I just wish people would respect the ‘no gifts’ please request.

I'm sorry OP you sound a little ungrateful and controlling, not to mentiona little hard work. If you have things you don't like just re-gift, donate or sell/donate, give to charity. You can't control what people do, only your reaction to it, I think YABU.

please don’t worry about gifts, we just want to see you at the wedding

BUT THEY SAID THAT AND PEOPLE ARE STILL INSISTING ON BUYING THEM GIFTS AND ASKING FOR A GIFT LIST.

HEAD. DESK.

In what world is it reasonable to buy people a load of things they do not want that they have to pretend to be grateful for, is reasonable to buy 'things for the house' but not things for a honeymoon, is reasonable to buy things when they have explicitly said that they do not want them, but it is not reasonable to not buy anything or offer cash towards a honeymoon? Makes no sense whatsoever.

I do think that if you really didn’t want gifts you could have found a way of saying that politely and definitively on the invite with some guff about saving the planet and being together for however long that you already have everything you need. You could have got around having a list and only given the options charity donation or nothing.

Just wait till the babies start appearing btw. You are in for a treat! You’ll have money banks, photo frames and teddy bears coming out of your ears and this will pale in comparison.

Someone went to the effort and expense to buy them a personalised gift to celebrate their wedding that he thought the happy couple would enjoy. Yes, what a fucking bastard, how dare he, tell him to fuck off.

OP you could have saved your money. I guarantee that most of your guests are coming out of obligation and would have been more than happy for you to get married at the registry office and go to the pub after. They would have almost certainly preferred it. The £200/head wedding (which probably doesn’t even cover the bar) was your choice and it’s about you showing off. It’s not about wanting to share the day with them, if it were, you would be grateful for anything g they cared to buy for you and you would be gracious about it.

You can stop hitting your head on the desk, it’s straightforward. When people asked me repeatedly for a gift list I just said ‘no, really, we’re not asking for gifts and we haven’t made a registry but thank you for the thought’ and it was fine. Just be an adult and communicate. Some people gave money or bought stuff anyway and that was fine too. Some stuff we still use, some we donated. It was all appreciated.

My auntie and uncle live abroad and so were possibly unable to purchase items from the wedding list at both mine and Dsis wedding. Both times they brought something really awful. Our item unfortunately "went missing " when we moved house. My sister looked up her presents online and they are apparently some quite expensive designer .....and she felt really bad that they weren't going to use them

Omfg! Is this for real and still going on?! People are saying I feel your pain, what pain?? What pain is someone gifting you a present going to cause? Stop being a spoilt brat! You chose to invite people and spend £200 a head so in return they should follow your rules?! God people are seriously ill and dying and you're getting your knickers in a twist about people being thoughtful and getting you a present, poor you! Sound like a right bridezilla! I bet people are actually dreading your wedding more than you are dreading the shit gifts people have got you how dare they!

On the subject of manners, I much prefer it when couples provide a gift list or indicate that vouchers or cash would be welcome. I dont have the knack of choosing great gifts that some seem to, possibly because I don't really like having lots of items or things chosen for me by someone else myself. And I'd rather spend the time on something else. So it's great when a bride and groom take the faff and stress out of it for me and remove the risk of me making a wasteful gift. I'm glad when they do that.

Are people ignoring the fact that there is zero chance of selling a personalised gift in a charity shop? I run a charity shop and have had a very harmless ‘Happy 60th birthday’ glass tankard in my shop for over 6 months (no name on it) but still no one wants it . Sadly an awful lot of stuff that is kindly given to charity shops still ends up in landfill or recycling.

Who would you regift something like this to?

This is such a pointless gift. It can't even be recycled and do some good for charity. At least a generic picture frame can be regifted.
Uncle may as well just set light to£200 really (and give you the burnt remains and call it art)

Just tell him you don't want it if you feel that strongly about it. I just feel abit sad for him, he just wants to do something nice for you because he obviously loves you and wants to celebrate your marriage. Poor old thing.

The thing you do need to let go of, is the idea that you obliged to hold on to wedding gifts.

In the nicest possible way, those saying you could put it in the loft, still view it as you being obliged to keep this.

You dont have to keep it.

Say thank you, agree ask for it to be delivered to your mums the day before (the idea that you'll struggle to carry it back from the venue is a good one!). Send a card then go pick it up from your mums after the honeymoon. Have a good look and realistically if you wont want to display it, go via the tip on the way home. You are under no obligation.

It's ok to throw out a gift. Unfortunately a personalised one isnt something you can regift or send to a charity shop. Keeping it in your loft/garage is no better than landfill.

Be polite with your uncle. Dont feel you have to keep his gift.

I hate this.
I now just give unwanted gifts to charity. Immediately. After years of telling family at Christmas/Birthdays that I don’t want random stuff that I won’t use. Either buy something that I need or no present is fine. I used to keep this stuff, try to use it etc etc. But in the end, life’s too short.
I don’t get upset about it, I just take it straight to the charity shop. What else can you do? Some people just love buying/ spending/(making it all about them?). I hate waste, both financially and environmentally. I see no point in gifts that won’t be needed and used.
I did the same with unwanted wedding gifts. We had a gift list too with a wide range of prices, buying tat that has no use is terrible in this age where we should all be thinking about how much stuff we consume and discard.

Turn it over and cover the back with padded felt and use it as a notice board.
Easy to turn around when 'Picasso' visits

Now I feel guilty. My close friend & her husband asked for money. However I got her a crystal black with the wedding date inscribed on it as I couldn't afford a decent cash donation. The crystal block cost about £25 I think. I'd be embarrassed to give £25 or even £30 as a cash gift. Luckily she said she understood but now I feel really bad :(