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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wish they’d stick to the bloody gift list (wedding)!?!?

248 replies

ArchieRevival · 18/05/2019 13:55

DP and I get married next week.

We’ve been very considerate- put on all transport- invited kids- tailored food/drinks to personal preferences...etc.

Gifts are not expected, not at all and I was very clear about that. However we put together a small honeymoon gift list (ranging from £5-£100) and asked that anyone who did want to buy us something either select from the list- or make a charitable donation to our selected dementia charity.

DP and I live in a city centre terrace with limited space and are are TTC. We make a huge effort to avoid waste (random plastic tat) and generally dontate the majority of Christmas/birthday gunk to charity shops. The LAST thing I want to return from honeymoon to, is a load of generic gift crap.

Today I heard that my Uncle (the worst offender for gift gunk) has ignored our requests and instead had a A1 size murial artwork commissioned 😡😒 all I know is that it includes our wedding date and according to my mum is ‘...very bold’- which is her code for bloody awful!

I do not want this. I will not display this and I’m already struggling to fake gratuity for this unwanted item!

Why would anybody think that buying somebody else a large gaudy artwork rather than something they actually asked for is appropriate?

I’ve threatened not to send a Thank You card - obviously I will - but It’s really upset me that he couldn’t just respect our wishes!

Fully willing to be told AIBU.... but REALLY?

OP posts:
Serin · 21/05/2019 19:57

I've read the whole thread too!
Strangely compelling.
Dont bin it OP.
We bought a piece of commissioned art work just a couple of years ago for £300 from a relatively obscure artist.
It's now worth £1k.
Put it in the attic and tell your uncle it's in a bank vault for safekeeping Grin

Yura · 21/05/2019 20:04

People unfortunately can give you whatever they like. Fortunately for you, you don’t have to keep it. We binned quite a lot of the unwanted stuff (I recommend moving about 3-4 months after).

HopelesslydevotedtoGu · 21/05/2019 20:20

I think the etiquette around gifts needs to move on as there is so much waste these days and people giving large amounts of unwanted crap need to move on and realise this

Completely agree.

Pointless consumerism is actually killing people through environmental damage, and will contribute to our children and grandchildren having a harder life than us.

Many of us have too much stuff and can buy the things we want (I appreciate different if you aren't in this situation).

I would rather choose and buy my own home items than use items not to my taste. I would rather guests came empty handed than bring presents that I then have the job of taking to the charity shop. Our local charity shop is a faff to get to, and our local charity bins are always full so you can hardly get your donation to.

We have a very small house, we don't have the space to just stick things in the loft or keep items we don't need, and I don't want to pay for a bigger house to accommodate stuff I don't want! So most gifts get taken to the charity shop, but charities are often inundated with stuff they can't sell. Dh used to volunteer in a large charity sorting centre and said they throw loads away as they got too much.

I agree it feels awkward to arrive somewhere without a gift, we are so conditioned to bringing gifts. But we really need to do this, there is so much waste.

I always ask someone what they would like and buy that, and listen if they say nothing. Why would you buy something they don't want? They will have a better idea of their tastes than you do!

HopelesslydevotedtoGu · 21/05/2019 20:28

it is kind and thoughtful of her to be cooking for you at all

It's really not.

“Are you hungry” she asks?
“No thank you” you say
“But you MUST have something” she demands.

Xmasbaby11 · 21/05/2019 20:39

It's just a gift. No need for all the rage. You can't control what others do, you may not even understand their reasons, but it really is just one gift. The majority of guests will probably stick to the list but there's always a couple who don't.

Flicketyflack · 21/05/2019 20:48

They don't have to buy you a gift Hmm

Relax
Be grateful
Enjoy your wedding Thanks

Yura · 21/05/2019 20:52

Just to add - a gift that you KNOW the person doesn’t want isn’t thoughtful, it’s thoughtless at best. If there is a list, you know what the person wants - and what not. If in doubt - carefully enquire. But don’t just buy what you like. It’s not about you

RussianSpamBot · 21/05/2019 21:37

Yy re needing to change the etiquette.

LaurieMarlow · 21/05/2019 21:50

I think the etiquette around gifts needs to move on as there is so much waste these days and people giving large amounts of unwanted crap need to move on and realise this

Totally agree with this very insightful point

Whoopstheregomyinsides · 21/05/2019 22:03

Gift etiquette certainly does need to change. I love a sensible gift list or voucher list. Hate giving cash but not sure why really. But I’d rather receive cash than a crystal block sorry to PP Confused
When we got married, an elderly family friend gave US a list she was prepared to buy and we had to pick from it. Just bizarre. Towels (but not the ones on our list - same price but no. Had to be the shop she liked) or lap trays for eating off in front of TV. Witha country scene and beanbag underneath. Or a crystal vase. Now that is a weird move

LaurieMarlow · 21/05/2019 22:25

Say thank you, send a card, and put it in the loft.

There is this blithe assumption everyone has a loft. I don’t. I have very limited storage in a small house. I simply don’t have the space for presents that I neither want nor need that someone decides to give me. So it’ll go to the charity shop.

It’s a total nonsense.

tinyme77 · 21/05/2019 22:43

Whatever you do with it please share a photo with us first!

ThriftyMcThrifty · 21/05/2019 23:03

You do sound ungrateful, and rightly so. There’s no reason to be grateful for an unwanted gift, just smile and thank them and then either donate or, in this case, Put up in the attic. We asked for no gifts for our wedding - it was in France (where we have family) and we lived in California at the time and also planned on going traveling before flying home. We got given towels, pots, lots of bulky items. I donated them to a local charity and didn’t feel any kind of remorse over it.

CurbsideProphet · 21/05/2019 23:36

Some people just have to be centre of attention at all times. Clearly the uncle is one of those people.

Nowadays most couples getting married have surely lived together and "set up home", so don't need a gift list of home essentials. What's difficult for people to understand about that? Confused I've been to 8 weddings in the past 2 years. 8 couples said no gifts, or if you want to give something then a charity donation / money towards new kitchen / bathroom etc. Considering the amount of waste in the world I'm happy not to add to it.

marcus2000 · 22/05/2019 00:06

Off list givers probably think they are being inspirational. You need to accept their genuine good wishes and suck it up.

MulticolourMophead · 22/05/2019 08:48

The off list givers that I know of, are those who like to make it all about them. Its attention seeking in most cases (although in one case I know there was genuine hardship and they couldn't afford to by from the list).

LaurieMarlow · 22/05/2019 09:01

Off list givers probably think they are being inspirational.

What does that even mean?

What I cant understand is why, when the person has been explicit about what they’d prefer, you’d override that?

Unless you fundamentally dislike the person, why wouldn’t you give them something they’ve thought about and will get something out of?

SnuggyBuggy · 22/05/2019 09:12

It's an ego thing. "I know what you want better than you do and I think you need something unique"

Furiosa · 22/05/2019 09:40

An excess of unwanted art...

But the real problem is who will play you in the movie OP?

magratvonlipwig · 24/05/2019 17:38

You are NOT BU
Youve given a very reasonably priced range of choices and also said youd appreciate charity donations.
Even people ignoring the gift list ought to realise a bold piece of art is a very personal thing to chose for someone else.
If yr mum can nip it in the bud and say "theyd hate that" see if she can.
If hes already bought it you have to say thank you because its been done with love and thought .
But you can easy shove it up the loft after a couple of months

Ces6 · 24/05/2019 17:43

I hear you OP. We got given a huge very expensive set of luggage - nowhere to store it and couldn't actually use it as it weighed so much it was almost half the luggage allowance. It got sent to charity shop asap. So frustrating to have money spent on something you will never use and can't store without tripping over. And yes it gets worse when kids arrive.

titchy · 24/05/2019 17:53

After the speeches can you have a charity auction for the unwanted gifts Grin

Littlefattykittycatty · 25/05/2019 19:28

Tbh if you didn’t expect gifts then why put together a gift list? Hmm I would have just named a charity and told guests that this is what we wanted instead. I don’t understand people who accept gifts at their wedding but only gifts of their choosing. I think it is really ungrateful. I don’t mean to sound harsh but like I said if you didn’t want gifts then you shouldn’t have put together a gift list. I think to ridicule someone’s who put thought into their gift seems a bit horrible...

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