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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wish they’d stick to the bloody gift list (wedding)!?!?

248 replies

ArchieRevival · 18/05/2019 13:55

DP and I get married next week.

We’ve been very considerate- put on all transport- invited kids- tailored food/drinks to personal preferences...etc.

Gifts are not expected, not at all and I was very clear about that. However we put together a small honeymoon gift list (ranging from £5-£100) and asked that anyone who did want to buy us something either select from the list- or make a charitable donation to our selected dementia charity.

DP and I live in a city centre terrace with limited space and are are TTC. We make a huge effort to avoid waste (random plastic tat) and generally dontate the majority of Christmas/birthday gunk to charity shops. The LAST thing I want to return from honeymoon to, is a load of generic gift crap.

Today I heard that my Uncle (the worst offender for gift gunk) has ignored our requests and instead had a A1 size murial artwork commissioned 😡😒 all I know is that it includes our wedding date and according to my mum is ‘...very bold’- which is her code for bloody awful!

I do not want this. I will not display this and I’m already struggling to fake gratuity for this unwanted item!

Why would anybody think that buying somebody else a large gaudy artwork rather than something they actually asked for is appropriate?

I’ve threatened not to send a Thank You card - obviously I will - but It’s really upset me that he couldn’t just respect our wishes!

Fully willing to be told AIBU.... but REALLY?

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 18/05/2019 14:26

I would hate to have a present that had to be displayed, if it wasn't something I'd agreed to. It's not a present, it's a bloody liability.

youarenotkiddingme · 18/05/2019 14:27

I usually say people are being unreasonable when it comes to not sticking to gifts from a list.

But I don't think you are!

Good range of prices and a charity donation scheme is fair enough.

Buying someone a bold art piece is odd!

Someone I knew had a baby shower. I looked at invite - looked at list of gifts. Then declined Wink

Topseyt · 18/05/2019 14:29

I doubt OP is actually going to be ungrateful to her uncle in person. She is venting here, and why not.

Will it fit somewhere not too much on display? Like behind the toilet door!

TipseyTorvey · 18/05/2019 14:30

There's the perfect chapter in Marie kondo for gifts like these. Can't remember exactly but it's along the lines of: the purpose of a gift is in the choosing of it by the giver along with the wrapping and handing it to the recipient. There's then a ritual whereby the recipient showers the gift with praise. At this point the giver feels good, the recipient feels good to be thought of etc. After this point the ritual is complete and out of sight of the giver you can pretty much take the gift straight to the charity shop. I now recieve (hideous but well meant) gifts from my MIL and they go straight to the charity shop after she's left. I used to feel I had to keep them for a few years just in case but have truncated the process now. 🤣

feelingverylazytoday · 18/05/2019 14:35

You sound ungrateful
I don't think she does really. I think it's about time everyone stopped buying and giving other people stuff that isn't needed or useful in some way. The OP also suggested that people donate to a charity in lieu of a gift, to me that sounds like someone who appreciates they have enough themselves and want to indirectly benefit others.

Topseyt · 18/05/2019 14:37

Take it to the Marie Curie hospice to have somewhere.

Or maybe not, but I am sure others can come up with witty suggestions for things you could do with it, such as using it as a paint cover, or a table cloth, or putting it up in the yard or garden shed if you have one.

NaturalBornWoman · 18/05/2019 14:37

If you genuinely didn't want gifts then why have a gift list?

With the best will in the world, however much you don't want or need them, people will insist on buying wedding gifts. We married in our 50s, we have a nice house and plenty of money to buy whatever we want but still people said oh we must get you something to mark the occasion. If forced I said donate to a charity or buy us a plant for the garden but I still got enough cake stands to put on afternoon tea for the whole village!

RelaisBlu · 18/05/2019 14:38

What is a honeymoon gift list, as opposed to a wedding gift list?

Warmer · 18/05/2019 14:41

I think a gift list is cheeky, if you didn't want gifts then you should have stuck to your charity donation idea without the list of presents. I think people feel they are being kind and may not want to be told what to buy so I think you have to just act thankful and grateful for the present, the thought is there what with your wedding date on the gift etc

flumpybear · 18/05/2019 14:41

All my tatty shit offerings such as the rose bowl, chipped glass port bottly thingy (can't think what it's called) and any other tat is up in the loft or in charity shops

It's nice to get stuff you want but anything else is often a pleasant surprise or something g for the Borrowers in the loft or the chairtynto benefit from

I'd say chose a nice 'wall' in the loft and nail it there - perhaps somewhere a bit dark 😎😆

PCohle · 18/05/2019 14:42

Is a gift. You are grateful for what you are given.

BBBear · 18/05/2019 14:43

Uninvite your Uncle from the wedding. You won’t get the art work AND you’ll start a family row. Win win!

SleepingSloth · 18/05/2019 14:45

With the best will in the world, however much you don't want or need them, people will insist on buying wedding gifts.

Really? I definitely wouldn't buy anything if they said no gifts at all. Most people already have a house with everything they need when they get married so it seems a it pointless. A charity donation is a good request though.

AnneLovesGilbert · 18/05/2019 14:45

We didn’t want gifts at all and told everyone so. Got a book on bird watching from someone.

Leighhalfpennysthigh · 18/05/2019 14:47

If you genuinely didn't want gifts then why have a gift list?

We didn't want gifts, we were quite happy for people to just come along. We did say that if people wanted to give us something then as we were young and skint then money towards the honeymoon would be good. Everyone said they wanted to give a present so we duels went around Debenhams and chose things we wanted and sent out the list with the invitations.....

Only my cousin bought us something from it. Everyone else gave cash. We were HmmConfused then GrinGrin

Likethebattle · 18/05/2019 14:47

I understand you’d rather he didn’t buy anything. I fight the wave of tar from mil a lot and dm buying me crap at Christmas (Dusting gloves . I’d rather get nothing quite frankly.

MIdgebabe · 18/05/2019 14:47

We tried no gifts and were told it was rude. People think it’s rude not to want gifts
Seems to me it is rude to force things on people. TO assume their desires and ethics are the same as yours.

RelaisBlu · 18/05/2019 14:49

On the bright side OP if it is truly hideous it might become the stuff of family legend.... DH stumbled across some of our more bizarre wedding presents in the shed a few years back and we spent a very funny evening showing them all to our DDs

glitterfarts · 18/05/2019 14:54

If you hate waste and hate the art work - keep the massive canvas. Paint over it in white. Every year, get your child/ren to do a new painting/art over the top and hang it in their room/lounge etc and reuse it that way. Whilst a baby, that could be footprints in paint.

Or you could add a new row of footprints each year for 18 years.

RelaisBlu · 18/05/2019 14:54

People think it's rude not to want gifts

At my 50th birthday party I requested no gifts. It did not occur to me this was in any way rude - I just wanted people to come & enjoy themselves

LaurieFairyCake · 18/05/2019 14:57

glitterfarts idea is fantastic !

milksoffagain · 18/05/2019 14:58

ungrateful

Whatsnewpussyhat · 18/05/2019 15:04

It isn't bloody ungrateful at all. Who the fuck gives someone a huge piece of artwork to take up space in their home and unlikely to be their taste?!

AvocadosBeforeMortgages · 18/05/2019 15:07

YANBU

From a zero waste point of view, you may be able to stick it on free cycle and advertise it as being for reuse eg for another artist to paint over (don't include a picture if you think someone might spot it!)

plunkplunkfizz · 18/05/2019 15:08

I definitely wouldn't buy anything if they said no gifts at all.

Then you’re a sensible guest. Others aren’t so sensible. We insisted no gifts given it was a second marriage for both, the first marriages were quite recent and we both have very good jobs. Nonetheless, people still insisted and when we politely reminded them, they contacted parents to tell them we were rude and ungrateful. I think it’s largely a generational thing.