To wish they’d stick to the bloody gift list (wedding)!?!?

[ArchieRevival]

DP and I get married next week.

We’ve been very considerate- put on all transport- invited kids- tailored food/drinks to personal preferences...etc.

Gifts are not expected, not at all and I was very clear about that. However we put together a small honeymoon gift list (ranging from £5-£100) and asked that anyone who did want to buy us something either select from the list- or make a charitable donation to our selected dementia charity.

DP and I live in a city centre terrace with limited space and are are TTC. We make a huge effort to avoid waste (random plastic tat) and generally dontate the majority of Christmas/birthday gunk to charity shops. The LAST thing I want to return from honeymoon to, is a load of generic gift crap.

Today I heard that my Uncle (the worst offender for gift gunk) has ignored our requests and instead had a A1 size murial artwork commissioned 😡😒 all I know is that it includes our wedding date and according to my mum is ‘...very bold’- which is her code for bloody awful!

I do not want this. I will not display this and I’m already struggling to fake gratuity for this unwanted item!

Why would anybody think that buying somebody else a large gaudy artwork rather than something they actually asked for is appropriate?

I’ve threatened not to send a Thank You card - obviously I will - but It’s really upset me that he couldn’t just respect our wishes!

Fully willing to be told AIBU.... but REALLY?

I'm trying to think of examples of the plastic tat that you are expecting. Do people give plastic at weddings? I can only think of children's toys.

I think the etiquette around gifts needs to move on as there is so much waste these days and people giving large amounts of unwanted crap need to move on and realise this.

Some people see gift giving as an ego thing. Yes I know you asked for an argos voucher but I love seeking out unique gifts and I know better so I got you a huge sculpture made out of toilet brushes that will take up loads of space in your small living room and you have to be grateful.

Hmm. On the one hand I wouldnt want it either, but on the other hand you don't get to tell people what to gift you. You can suggest but if they want to get you something they think you'll like then they're probably trying to do something they think is lovely for you and you're being quite cruel and ungrateful in your reaction.

I think the etiquette around gifts needs to move on as there is so much waste these days and people giving large amounts of unwanted crap need to move on and realise this

I agree. Wedding gifts come from a time when couples getting married had no money and no possessions so gifts were welcome.

Now they have usually already lived together or may even have merged 2 households along the way and often have more possessions than they could ever need. If people say they don't want a gift, it is the height of rudeness to impose something on them, plus disgustingly wasteful.

I agree with others, you sound very entitled I'm afraid. You've been bought a gift, you've not even seen it and you're scathing. It may be awful and not to your taste, but the whole point is ITS A GIFT! It doesn't matter what you have paid for for the guests. You could have saved yourself money and donated it yourself by not paying for some of the things you have then not asking for gifts at all.
And who googles their name and date of wedding to see what comes up??.

Maybe he doesn't agree with gift lists. I hate them they always seem a bit presumptuous and there is pressure to spend x amount. Maybe he just felt it was impersonal and wanted to give you something special? Agree it sounds hideous though. Maybe just write it off to a clash of personalities.....

We've been given something similar but have so far not actually received it. I have tried to suggest it's not put in a frame so we can store it easier until we have a big enough space to display it. I know in our case it comes from a place of kindnesses but we won't like it nor have we the space for it (seen photos).

On a slightly different note, if you have kids this gift will pale into comparison to all the plastic tat they get given. The worst bit is turns out kids love plastic tat so there's not getting rid of it.

I just don’t understand why so many people have such difficulty in just not giving a gift. You see it all the time on Mumsnet ‘I can’t go empty handed’, ‘poor little child, the parents have requested no gifts for his birthday party’ etc etc.

I work in a charity shop & (luckily ) we are inundated with clearly unwanted gifts, but anything engraved or personalised will just never sell.

I am absolutely desperate to see the finished piece...

Me too, I mean A1 is huge, I can't even think where we would put something that big hideous or not

No one should be forced to accept a gift just because it’s a gift. It’s not even law it’s a society convention that Belongs to history. Forcing gift acceptance and being polite about it, is accepting and suppprting a wasteful society that is morally Wrong. And until people start rejecting gifts we won’t change society norms.

My SIL loves going off list.

When we moved in she bought us an A1 size Ikea print of Piccadilly Circus. It’s hideous. Four years on I’ve only just gotten it out the door thanks to my husband’s guilt. She has also bought us two clocks, one of which is an enormous station clock that fits precisely nowhere in our flat, both of which are still in their original packaging under the stairs.

Getting married made me realise the value of lists & vouchers. We have used precisely nothing bought “off list”. The JL vouchers we were given did buy our dishwasher, which is used every day & gives us far more joy. I always buy people exactly what they want, my taste is not theirs & vice versa.

Hmm. I don’t mind the price obviously. I don’t at all buy into the ‘guests should cover their cost’ idea.

I just find it rude, the ‘well yes I’ll let you spend £150 each for us .... but I won’t bother to read your website of honour your gift requests!

Whilst I get people who say ‘I don’t believe in giving X (honeymoon, cash, top trump...etc)’ at the same time I just think 🙄 who are you to take a moral stance against their personal preference?

Personally I agree that giving cash feels crass...but I’d still give it if that’s what they asked for!

It’s literally like saying ‘I’ll let you buy me dinner and host me - but I think your choice of gifts is shit!’

YABU and you also sound like you're behaving like a bit of a bridezilla.

Someone who cares about you has put thought and effort into a gift. It's mean to be nasty about it.

Also, if you hate waste so much, don't have an expensive wedding with all the associated trimmings and travel so wasteful of the Earth's resources.

Spot on @Carolcool. You sound like an absolute diva, OP.

YANBU. My MIL is a terrible tat giver. She visits charity shops constantly and can’t help but buy shit and I mean, SHIT. It goes straight back to the charity shop so she’s just wasting her money, still it’s more money for charity I suppose...

You have been very clear but their always has to be one that goes against the grain. Sounds like the sort of thing that will end up in the loft for years to come.

Urgh this is the worst kind of present. You can't re-gift it, charity shop, refund or exchange since it's a personalised item. The real kick in the nuts with gifts like this is if the person ever comes to your house they're gonna expect to see it. Do you have a loft you can stash it in? If you chuck it you should have a ready made excuse, "got broken by movers", "damp got to it and it went mouldy" (this happened to a picture of ours which we kept in our converted cellar). If I don't fancy any of the items on a wedding gift list I just write a cheque and include that in the card. I got some pretty atrocious gifts from relatives for my 18th and 21st, I didn't expect nor want gifts but they wanted to get me something - until recently I've been carting these gifts about with every house move just in case I'm expected to wear them at a family function.

But it's not thought and effort if it is blatanty ignoring a clear request for NO GIFTS. It is making it all about the giver, who is basically making the OP to feel obliged to accomodate an item they do not want in their home for the rest of eternity.

Would all those people saying the OP is being unreasonable decorate their homes with items that are not to their taste?

OP you sound like an angry and socially awkward person. Its good you can vent on mumsnet but dont take too much comfort from those who agree with you.

Why should I be polite about gifts that are not for me!?!?

Do you really need it explained to you? Just say thanks then ditch the gift later. This is the way of the world. If uncle asks where it is say the frame got broken and youve taken it for reframing.

Also you must know that saying 'no gifts' then adding a gift list means everyone thinks you dont really mean no gifts.

You really cant claim environmental concerns about one area of your wedding (gifts) whilst hosting a big party and flying off on honeymoon.

Finally you are emphasising cost per head and your high earning status. If you do this in real life people will see you as very materialistic.

I hate gift lists

@zen

I highly doubt it🤔 we’re very minimalist (hence hating unwanted tat) and if you’ve RTFT you’d see that ‘socially awkward’ isn’t my not knowing that I ‘should’ feign gratitude but simply that I’m enabling the cycle!

I say NO GIFTS (or charity donation)...they buy me a light up poncho...I say thank you and act grateful...they assume they did the RIGHT thing by getting it! So the cycle continues!

I came to ask AIBU...and the vast majority seem to believe I am not! So I’ve got my answer 🤔 there will always be a couple of people who would expect a thank you card for a broken toaster 🤔🙈

And it’s also the first thing that comes up on google if you run our names and wedding date in!

Do people really google weddings that they are going to? It would never occur to me!

You're not unreasonable to wonder why your uncle thinks this is appropriate, no. And there's insufficient understanding generally of the way some people use the giving of presents as a tool for attention or manipulation. People who just berate you for failing to show gratitude generally fail to understand that.

YABVU and from the sound of you, I would buy you a suitably hideous wedding present on purpose.

@chodeo

🤔 if you’d rather buy an unwanted gift than donate to dementia then I think that says an awful lot about your quality of life ❤️