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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wish they’d stick to the bloody gift list (wedding)!?!?

248 replies

ArchieRevival · 18/05/2019 13:55

DP and I get married next week.

We’ve been very considerate- put on all transport- invited kids- tailored food/drinks to personal preferences...etc.

Gifts are not expected, not at all and I was very clear about that. However we put together a small honeymoon gift list (ranging from £5-£100) and asked that anyone who did want to buy us something either select from the list- or make a charitable donation to our selected dementia charity.

DP and I live in a city centre terrace with limited space and are are TTC. We make a huge effort to avoid waste (random plastic tat) and generally dontate the majority of Christmas/birthday gunk to charity shops. The LAST thing I want to return from honeymoon to, is a load of generic gift crap.

Today I heard that my Uncle (the worst offender for gift gunk) has ignored our requests and instead had a A1 size murial artwork commissioned 😡😒 all I know is that it includes our wedding date and according to my mum is ‘...very bold’- which is her code for bloody awful!

I do not want this. I will not display this and I’m already struggling to fake gratuity for this unwanted item!

Why would anybody think that buying somebody else a large gaudy artwork rather than something they actually asked for is appropriate?

I’ve threatened not to send a Thank You card - obviously I will - but It’s really upset me that he couldn’t just respect our wishes!

Fully willing to be told AIBU.... but REALLY?

OP posts:
TinselTimes · 18/05/2019 15:09

We were given something similar - massive totally unwanted personalised tapestry thing.

We thanked the (bonkers) relative profusely, took photos of it proudly displayed, then explained that we didn’t have space to display it permanently but had loved having it as a reminder of the wedding for the first month. Made a big deal of how lovely it was coming home to it after our honeymoon etc.

Then asked if she’d like it back or if we could give it to a local tapestry/crafts group to reuse, which actually she seemed fine with.

Likethebattle · 18/05/2019 15:10

Why should you be grateful if someone buys you shite?

HoustonBess · 18/05/2019 15:12

They're not obliged to stick to your list. You're not obliged to keep anything you're given.

Yabbers · 18/05/2019 15:13

With the best will in the world, however much you don't want or need them, people will insist on buying wedding gifts.

Really? I definitely wouldn't buy anything if they said no gifts at all.

Yes really. Then there are those say gift lists are rude and grabby so go out and buy something different that they think that person wants. And those who say giving vouchers is meaningless, even if that’s what the couple have asked for, so go out and buy a useless gift. But the couple are the people considered rude for asking - as if rejecting someone’s reasonable request isn’t rude at all.

We didn’t want gifts and said so. Eventually we were asked so many times we asked for vouchers for our honeymoon but still people ignored us. We got some nice wee gifts buy ended up with three really quite expensive but utterly useless (to us) gifts. Why waste money like that?

Geminijes · 18/05/2019 15:13

OP...remember the old adage......it's the thought that counts.

You are coming across as very ungrateful.

PuppyMonkey · 18/05/2019 15:13

How do you know you won’t absolutely love it when you actually see it? You’ve only got your mum’s word for it that it’s horrible.

Aimily · 18/05/2019 15:14

Any chance you could put it in the hallway or if you have one the downstairs toilet, create a relationship or wedding photo gallary and surround it by memorable pictures of you and dp to be?

You may be surprised and it looks awesome.

NiteFlights · 18/05/2019 15:14

It’s not ungrateful. Despite OP suggesting three sensible options - something from the list, a charity donation, or no gift at all, the uncle is making it all about him by giving a large, ostentatious, unwanted gift, which is very rude.

I like glitterfarts’s idea but if you don’t want it in your house, just get rid of it (after thanking your uncle for giving you a gift, coming to the wedding, etc).

Hobosno · 18/05/2019 15:15

What does tat actually mean? I thought it was cheap/disposable/useless stuff. Not just anything you don’t personally like! People on here talking about crystal bowls as if they are a toy from a happy meal - not being too your taste doesn’t make something tat.

CurriedCarbs · 18/05/2019 15:16

Oh gosh it sounds awful! Why do people insist on getting gifts? We've said no gifts and still some people one person are insisting. It's frustrating. I don't even know what I want for my birthday most years let alone a wedding gift.

CurriedCarbs · 18/05/2019 15:17

Oh and I agree with a PP that it's not tat just because you don't like it.

BlackCatSleeping · 18/05/2019 15:19

Yeah, you should have just included a money-grabbing poem. Grin

stucknoue · 18/05/2019 15:19

It may be horrible but it could also be very good, reserve judgement, at least it's thoughtful and personal. Gift lists are only suggestions, and yes saying no need to bring a gift, or gift to charity is great, people want to give actual things not money. I still use my casserole dishes!

SleepWarrior · 18/05/2019 15:20

Unwanted personalised gifts is a rite of passage when getting married!

You WILL get a set of ugly crystal glasses (even though the same shop sold some quite attractive ones) that you can't sell because they have your names and wedding date engraved on them. Just go with it and smile at the stuff when you open it; there's nothing else you can do without being rude.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 18/05/2019 15:21

Maybe he knows you give away all their gifts so picked something no one else would want.

Or ramybe he doesn't like paying for honeymoons or donating to a charity that others support. If you didn't want no gifts then you could have just said that. By making a list, it will be assumed you do.

SmallBee · 18/05/2019 15:22

For those who've said the OP is ungrateful... So what?

Why should she, or anyone, be grateful for being given something she doesn't want, can't use, hasn't asked for and has in fact made a concerted effort to avoid getting, via the provision of a variety of ideas they do want (which included nothing).

The word ungrateful seems to be trotted out on MN as one of the worst things to be, but I don't think it is, actually. I'm sure OP will be polite to her uncle but if she actually was ungrateful maybe he'd stop buying people unsuitable shit they don't want.

Emilizz34 · 18/05/2019 15:22

It sounds awful but as the saying goes “it’s the thought that counts”.
It’s not the kind of thing that you can regift as it sounds like it’s been personalized.
We requested no gifts for our wedding as we had everything we needed . We got a lot of Waterford Crystal photo frames and wine glasses etc that had been engraved with our names and wedding date and do couldn’t be given to charity shops . After storing in the attic for several years , we threw the lot into a skip .

If you don’t want it then just get rid of it after you have sent him a photo of it on display in your house

AwdBovril · 18/05/2019 15:25

I rather like glitterfarts' idea. Especially the footprints.

ScruffGin · 18/05/2019 15:26

YouJustDoYou
You sound ungrateful.

No she doesn't.

Jux · 18/05/2019 15:26

My cousin had a gift list. I bought her something from it. 30 years later, she picked one (it was a set of 6) up and said "bloody awful things, why on earth would anybody buy something like this?". I said "oh they were on your gift list" cue many cackles from both of us.....Grin

PCohle · 18/05/2019 15:29

Only on bloody mumsnet would you get people querying why it's a bad thing to be ungrateful.

yikesanotherbooboo · 18/05/2019 15:30

Just be gracious. Not something to get her up about . They are thinking of you in their own way.

TheCanterburyWhales · 18/05/2019 15:33

I just try and put myself in the shoes of the other person.
Someone thinks they're doing a nice thing.
You can vent, go "Christ on a bike would you look at that horror" in private.
Publicly, to the person, you just say thank you.
I'm gobsmacked that anyone would offer someone their gift back. That's just being gratuitously nasty.
When did people get so horrible. I've had some minging gifts in my time, but never once thought to tell the person.
And people are offended when a wedding says no gifts? Really? Give over.
I imagine the OPs guests are just bloody confused. They want no gifts, yet there's a website (!!!) with a list? Say what?

AskingQuestionsAllTheTime · 18/05/2019 15:35

The great thing about something you have been given is that once it has been given, it belongs to you.

So you can do whatever you want to with it. That includes throw it away, burn it, use it for darts practice....

My OH as a child had an aunt who gave him birthday presents for which he had to be grateful at the time and which he then had to keep so that she would see them if she came round. He still shudders over a macramé wall-hanging of an owl which he was given at about age eight. When he left home, he left it behind -- but his soul is scarred.

plunkplunkfizz · 18/05/2019 15:43

The great thing about something you have been given is that once it has been given, it belongs to you.

Such a waste though if there are things people actually need and want.