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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Restaurant wedding reception - not paying for drinks?

327 replies

CurriedCarbs · 17/05/2019 18:43

We've decided to go to a local restaurant after our wedding ceremony and essential have our "reception" there - i.e. a nice meal with the guests. Would we BU to only pay for their food and not their drinks? We haven't got a lot of money and we're not really sure we can afford food and drink for everyone. We don't want to say everyone has to completely pay for themselves or limit the guest list even more as we're only inviting close family. Would only paying for food be a reasonable compromise?

OP posts:
cherrryontop · 19/05/2019 19:54

Our wedding had champers, and wine with meal then paid bar

This is why I said rich or silly. Because Abbazed clearly expects this as part of 'basic hospitality'. Not just one drink or table wine.

flowery · 19/05/2019 20:49

”Because Abbazed clearly expects this as part of 'basic hospitality'. Not just one drink or table wine.”

I worry about your comprehension skills. Abbazed said providing drink is basic hospitality. Then, in a completely separate post (not that it matters) he/she stated exactly what drink was provided at his/her own wedding.

Nothing to suggest Abbazed thinks what was provided at his/her own wedding is basic.

Abbazed · 19/05/2019 22:08

Please don't speak for me. Id provide at least 1 drink. Bucks fizz is cheap. Oj basically won't cost much. One bucks and jugs of water? Especially in this lovely weather. I hope your day is wonderful and sunny

Abbazed · 19/05/2019 22:08

I didn't read your post properly oops sorry

Abbazed · 19/05/2019 22:12

My wedding was a package at a Best western. It cost the earth and I worked long and hard to fund it so did hubby it took me three years. My day was flipping amazing. We had bucks fizz and other drinks.

Original poster
CurriedCarbs · 20/05/2019 17:42

Anyway OP is long gone - only wanted everyone to agree with her.

No OP isn't long gone or wanting everyone to agree. OP is busy with life and not constantly checking MN. I didn't want everyone to agree with me but when people keep repeating the same questions over and over it gets draining. I asked so I can manage expectations.

Change that it's a wedding to any other social occasion:

@Lolasmiles except your examples are flawed. Last time I went out to a family gathering the family member whose birthday it was chose the restaurant but we all paid for our own meals and drinks so I don't see how changing it to any other social event works...

People appear to take weddings way too seriously. We invited people as we thought it'd be nice but now it seems that was wrong. We should either just get married by ourselves (that way no worries about people being offended by our "lack of hospitality") or get an extra job on top of studying / working full time with a young DC or cancel our photographer or a young child's holiday.

OP posts:
cccameron · 20/05/2019 18:09

Still not sure what you are asking OP. If it's, we are not providing any drinks at all at our wedding meal, is that OK?
well I think it's pretty clear there are 2 distinct camps. One camp that think it's inhospitable not to provide at least minimal refreshments and the other that think it's fine for your guests to pay for themselves.

It's your family. Only you can know what point of view they will identify with.

cherrryontop · 20/05/2019 18:53

You should only be inviting people who care for you and who you care for. Therefore nobody should be at all bothered about the drink situation.

Paid bars are not the norm, in my experience anyway.

Some weddings have wine on the tables, drinks for a toast, welcome drinks.

Some have none of the above.

It's your wedding, your budget, and your choice.

As long as there is a bar for guests to purchase drinks, and you pay for and make appropriate arrangements for food, that will be just fine.

LolaSmiles · 20/05/2019 20:44

Lolasmiles except your examples are flawed. Last time I went out to a family gathering the family member whose birthday it was chose the restaurant but we all paid for our own meals and drinks so I don't see how changing it to any other social event works...
Because in that situation a group of people decided to go out for food and that involves paying your way (just like any other time people go for food with friends).

Hosting an event is different, obviously.
The examples aren't flawed.

Would you invite someone round to your house for tea and then refuse to offer them a drink unless they brought their own? Would you invite someone for a play date and not have squash or tea available and expect them to sort their own refreshments out?
Of course not because it's really poor hosting not to have basic refreshments for people you have chosen to invite to an event.
People appear to take weddings way too seriously.
That is quite true.
I can think of many things that would involve taking weddings too seriously. Providing some beverages for guests you've invited to an event isn't one of them. People aren't saying you have to have a free bar and unlimited free alcohol. Many people are saying that it is poor form to HOST an event and not offer minimal refreshments.

One wedding I went to was a dry wedding and each table had a couple of bottles of shloer and appetizer on the tables. Nobody batted an eyelid. People would have probably noticed and found it odd to go to a reception and find the bride and groom couldn't be bothered to give anyone anything to drink for the whole event.

Original poster
CurriedCarbs · 20/05/2019 21:13

Because in that situation a group of people decided to go out for food and that involves paying your way (just like any other time people go for food with friends).

Hosting an event is different, obviously.
The examples aren't flawed.

I just don't see how it's different. You have two situations:
"You are invited to join us for our wedding at x registry office following by y restaurant where your food will be free but not your drink"
Vs.
"You are invited to join us for my birthday at x restaurant with a set menu and you will have to pay for your food and drink"

couldn't be bothered to give anyone anything to drink for the whole event

Wow. Can't be bothered? It's not about not being bothered. What are you suggesting we do exactly? Cut down the guest list? Cancel a young child's one and only break away this year? Take on extra work whilst being a full time healthcare student on placements hundreds of miles away, a DP with a full time job and both of us having caring responsibilities? Because they've all been suggestions. I'm not saying that providing beverages is necessarily taking it too seriously but some of the quite frankly ridiculous situations are.

OP posts:
LolaSmiles · 20/05/2019 21:41

Inviting people to your wedding reception that you're hosting is totally different to 'anyone fancy coming out for some food'. It's such an obvious difference. Just like there's a difference between 'We're going out for tea for my birthday' and saying 'I' m inviting a few people round for tea on my birthday'. The former is expect to pay for myself. The latter I'd take a bottle of wine along as good manners but would expect the person hosting to have refreshments.

Take a step back and stop raising the stakes as if a few bottles of pop for a small guest list is going to require a new job or to ruin a child's holiday. You could spend £5 a week and get 2 bottles of nice fruit fizz at a time.

You've clearly decided you've no intention in considering any views other than ones that confirm what you want to do.

Orangeballon · 20/05/2019 21:48

You don’t want to have a free bar, every one gets pissed and obnoxious at your expense, it will spoil your evening. Believe me, I have been to a few free bar events.

LolaSmiles · 20/05/2019 21:52

Orange
I can imagine.
Nowhere I've been has had a full free bar (One did 3 drink tokens for alcoholic drinks). From what i read on wedding blogs it seems to be a nightmare and people end up trying to drink their money's worth.

MacrosomicMumma · 20/05/2019 22:01

Your friends and family love you. They will know you would pay for their drinks if you could. Explain in advance so people can be prepared and just go for it.

Have a lovely day!!

cccameron · 20/05/2019 23:09

Why do you keep comparing your wedding to a birthday? It's really odd and just not comparable at all. Unless you have never been to a wedding before?
Anyway, I agree with Lola . You don't have to forego a holiday just to provide a drink each or a glass of fizz for a toast for such a small number of people. If you don't want to though or really can't then I'm sure your family won't mind. Surely you know your own family well enough to know though!

RottnestFerry · 20/05/2019 23:28

You don’t want to have a free bar, every one gets pissed and obnoxious at your expense, it will spoil your evening. Believe me, I have been to a few free bar events

I've been to several weddings with a free bar, including my own. Nobody got obnoxious or spoiled the day.

I've only been to one wedding where some people got pissed and obnoxious, and that had a pay bar.

BadLad · 20/05/2019 23:35

One wedding I went to was a dry wedding and each table had a couple of bottles of shloer and appetizer on the tables. Nobody batted an eyelid.

Were you told in advance that it would be a dry wedding, @LolaSmiles , or did you find out on arrival?

I'd be amazed to arrive at a wedding and find it was dry, unless the couple were Muslims.

tomatosalt · 20/05/2019 23:51

Sorry, but it sounds like you either can’t afford the venue or your preferred number of guests.
Unless the couple are Mormons or Muslims a wedding should have at least a few bottles of wine per table.

LolaSmiles · 21/05/2019 06:30

BadLad
Not specifically told in advance but the family were members of a conservative Christian church so didn't drink. We could have predicted it. There's been a couple of weddings like that and they didn't have a late evening reception either. They were really enjoyable actually, but then I'm not a fan of disco evening receptions.

cherrryontop · 21/05/2019 06:34

Sorry, but it sounds like you either can’t afford the venue or your preferred number of guests.
Unless the couple are Mormons or Muslims a wedding should have at least a few bottles of wine per table.

Why though? If their budget can't stretch that far then it can't. Simple.

I've never been to a wedding and expected anything other than to have a lovely day. I always take plenty of money for my own drinks and see what happens.

I'd rather have more people I love and want there, than less just so I could put wine on the tables.

Original poster
CurriedCarbs · 21/05/2019 06:53

Take a step back and stop raising the stakes as if a few bottles of pop for a small guest list is going to require a new job or to ruin a child's holiday.

I'm not raising the stakes. They've just been suggestions from PP.

Why is it so inconceivable for people here that some people just don't have much spare money. As I've already said we've literally just invited our closest family members and gone for the cheapest restaurant possible.

Why do you keep comparing your wedding to a birthday?

A PP early on in the thread said they'd expect a free welcome drink / drinks for the meal if it were a birthday. I was simply responding to that but everyone has piled on to the birthday point. Yes I have been to a wedding before but an all day event with 80 people is completely different to a 20 minute ceremony and a meal.

OP posts:
Mumofone1593 · 21/05/2019 07:01

I would just buy a few of the house wine for the table. It is a cheap option, then you can just say in husbands speech or something, enjoy the evening, we have bought you all a few bottles of wine to get the evening started. Then advise the staff not to take drink orders away from the bar. Not worth getting in debt for is it! At our wedding we had wine on the table, prosseco toast and beer on arrival and I was told I was stingy becuase it wasn't all free from people I didn't know well before the wedding, but I had 40 guests halved with my husband, so my 20 closest people and no one cared!

UnicornDust9 · 21/05/2019 07:32

Yes I have been to a wedding before but an all day event with 80 people is completely different to a 20 minute ceremony and a meal

Not really, a wedding is a wedding.

If you cannot afford it and are living beyond your means then just don’t do it.

You can’t afford this cheap wedding so why don’t you save up and do it when you can afford it and it will be more enjoyable rather then skrimping

LolaSmiles · 21/05/2019 07:39

Yes I have been to a wedding before but an all day event with 80 people is completely different to a 20 minute ceremony and a meal.
If anyone chooses to HOST an event then it's on them to ensure they provide reasonable refreshments.
Why is it so inconceivable for people here that some people just don't have much spare money.
If over a period of time you can't even manage some bottles of fruit fizz/shloer or soft drinks for people you've invited without jumping to cancelling holidays etc then I'd be inclined to agree in part with unicorn. We wanted a smaller wedding with family and close friends and planned the wedding accordingly. The idea of expecting friends and family having no refreshments from us never crossed out minds.

BadLad · 21/05/2019 07:51

Not specifically told in advance but the family were members of a conservative Christian church so didn't drink. We could have predicted it. There's been a couple of weddings like that and they didn't have a late evening reception either. They were really enjoyable actually, but then I'm not a fan of disco evening receptions.

Thanks for replying. I can imagine looks of horror on people's faces as they arrive at a wedding and find out that it's dry. If they know and expect it beforehand, that's different.