Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Restaurant wedding reception - not paying for drinks?

327 replies

CurriedCarbs · 17/05/2019 18:43

We've decided to go to a local restaurant after our wedding ceremony and essential have our "reception" there - i.e. a nice meal with the guests. Would we BU to only pay for their food and not their drinks? We haven't got a lot of money and we're not really sure we can afford food and drink for everyone. We don't want to say everyone has to completely pay for themselves or limit the guest list even more as we're only inviting close family. Would only paying for food be a reasonable compromise?

OP posts:
SauvingnonBlanketyBlanc · 18/05/2019 16:25

We went to wedding like you are describing and we paid for our own drinks

CharityConundrum · 18/05/2019 16:27

@JingsMaBucket
WTF? So the OP should forgo an already very inexpensive photographer simply to supply booze?

No- which is why I didn't say anything like that.

StarJumpsandaHalf · 18/05/2019 17:01

Congratulations on your marriage OP 🎉

Without knowing your cost per head where you’ve decided to go, or knowing what else is available in your town, it’s hard to be constructive, we’re all just giving thoughts and experiences which differ widely.

If it were my event I think I’d opt for afternoon tea somewhere nice and see if that would let the budget run to a glass of something bubbly for a toast. Afternoon tea also removes thoughts of welcome drinks and alcohol with the food. Depends on availability ands prices where you are though as afternoon tea can cost more than a set lunch.

Try not to stress too much and just look forward to your day.

ELM8 · 18/05/2019 17:10

Totally understandable if you can't afford to pay for drinks, but I think the issue is that it is a sit down meal.

This could just be me but as I guest I would assume:

  • buffet: go to the bar and get your own drinks, more of a casual informal vibe
  • sit down meal: drinks provided as more of a formal setting

This is mainly because of the logistics to be honest and how much of a faff it is to all order separate drinks in a restaurant setting (either everyone getting up and down / getting their drinks at different times and food getting cold etc or the poor staff being back and forth and managing separate bills)

Is there a pub (maybe not the W one) that would cordon off an area for you? You could pay for a buffet which would probably be cheaper than a sit down meal anyway?

I'm not sure the set up of the restaurant you are going to.. do they have a bar where people could order drinks easy? Could they make it more casual buffet rather than formal sit down? If so you could do that.

Having said all of the above, it's small numbers so as long as you are upfront with both the guests and the restaurant then no one should have an issue.

Most importantly, enjoy your day!!

burnoutbabe · 18/05/2019 17:10

I think it would be far easier to go to an unlicensed place where everyone brings their own drink.
Else I can't imagine a restaurant where everyone orders and pays for their own parties drinks. Restaurants aren't generally set up that way. Z set lunch with one drink (wine beer or soft drink) included would be fine, drop the starter.

callmeadoctor · 18/05/2019 17:32

I would say that logistically it can be difficult to manage the drinks bills individually so speak to the restaurant. However OP you did come on here and ask for opinions! Personally I would hire a village hall, get caterers to provide a hot pot (self service, dead easy) and provide drink for toast and everybody fetch their own booze. Borrow some speakers and link to iPhone , job done!

nettie434 · 18/05/2019 18:17

Curriedcarbs Your wedding plan sounds lovely. I am getting over-invested in this but I think it is right you stick to your budget! Friends did the garden reception thing and I still remember how awful it was when my job was to serve potato salad. There wasn't that much and quite a few guests moaned at me because I was trying to keep the servings fairly small to make sure it did not run out after the 1st few guests. Plus if you are a health care student, I am sure you do not have time to spend the week before the wedding shopping and cooking. All your guests will want is the chance to celebate the day with you, partner and DSD.

I think the idea of talking things through with the restaurant is really good. They will then be prepared in terms of serving and it will also be a chance to sort out the service charge because that usually includes drinks as well as the food. The advent of point of sale systems is a real help as it will be easy for guests to use contactless/phones to buy their drinks.

Foxmuffin · 18/05/2019 18:20

I went to a friends wedding and did exactly this. We had a meal which was provided and went to the bar for our drinks. It hadn’t even occurred to me it was unusual.

Why not say you don’t want gifts but it’s buy your own booze?

WhoAteMyNuts · 18/05/2019 18:27

I have been to weddings that were a free bar and those where you bought your own after dinner.

Honestly I don't mind either way but I do think you need to tell people beforehand (I would take more money if I needed to buy my own) and also work out the logistics with the restaurant so that people can easily order and pay for their own and communicate this with the guests.

Monestasi · 18/05/2019 18:30

To the pp who asked about our drinks budget. I don't know as we had two nights of an open bar. The total wedding budget is a figure that will be derided by many on here... But for us, we wanted to provide our guests with everything they needed to enjoy their weekend with us.

I have been referred to as pretentious and superior on this thread, I really am neither. It's an AIBU. I don't wish to be unkind to anyone, but I do find it unreasonable to expect guests to purchase anything at a wedding beyond the costs they have incurred to attend. I genuinely have never been to a wedding where a full bar wasn't provided. I would still attend such a wedding, but I would find it odd.

These threads drip of inverted snobbery.

10000thusername · 18/05/2019 18:43

Cannot believe these responses. I would be absolutely mortified if I knew how much someone had struggled fo pay for my glass of wine or food. Be grateful you've been invited to watch your friends get married!

Parker231 · 18/05/2019 18:52

I’ve been to an amazing wedding at The Savoy with everything and more included and to a Registry Office in London with DH and I as the witnesses before going to the local pub for a drink. They were both special wedding because it was the celebration of the marriage of our friends. I didn’t think about whether drinks were included or not - that’s not the purpose of a wedding celebration!

flowery · 18/05/2019 19:36

”Totally understandable if you can't afford to pay for drinks, but I think the issue is that it is a sit down meal.

This could just be me but as I guest I would assume:
- buffet: go to the bar and get your own drinks, more of a casual informal vibe
- sit down meal: drinks provided as more of a formal setting”

I agree completely actually. It’s far more likely to ‘jar’ or be noticeable not providing drink if there’s a sit down meal than if it’s a buffet.

bellabasset · 18/05/2019 19:51

You are only inviting close family members to your wedding so you can explain that you are inviting everyone for dinner but unable to afford to supply alcohol.

I would explain the situation to the restaurant and ask for a menu re the drinks so you know the costs. Personally if I were going as a guest I would suggest that we had a look at preordering drinks, ie soft drinks, wine and beers and having a whip round to pay for these, including a toast. I think if you're not having presents your guests would be happy to pitch in and give you money so it can be used to pay for the alcohol and any left over could be used towards the food.

zukiecat · 18/05/2019 19:53

burnout

I'd much rather have a starter than any drinks

As I said I don't drink any alcohol so wouldn't be having any free drinks anyway

I've been to one (very posh) funeral wake where all drinks were provided, both soft and alcoholic, but that's been the only one

Ragwort · 18/05/2019 22:20

Is the photographer essential? I personally would far rather provide my guests with a drink than pay £200 for photos. We had a very small wedding (5 guests), we paid for the lunch, including drinks, but had no photographer, other people at the wedding took a few photos & gave us copies (years before digital photography).

Carpet86 · 18/05/2019 22:23

Would it be possible to find a BYOB - there are some amazing Indian restaurants where the owners are Muslim and won't sell alcohol but you can BYOB - and you could bring your own then? You would pay for soft drinks.

TOADfan · 18/05/2019 22:28

My wedding was at a restaurant. We just paid for a 2 course meal and everyone went to the bar and got their own drinks.

I didn't provide welcome bubbly or wine because me or my husband don't drink it and a lot of the guests don't drink wine. Plus it would have added over £100 to the bill (the meals were only £450).

maddening · 18/05/2019 22:38

Perhaps get enough for a. Toast and a few bottles of wine for the table? The restaurant might do you a deal for that?

jelly79 · 18/05/2019 22:49

I wouldn't bat an eyelid and as your friends and family neither should they.

Sounds like you don't have an option whether you wanted to or not so you enjoy your day and I'm sure your guests will regardless of what's paid for! It's not about that 😉

GabsAlot · 18/05/2019 23:03

As Delboy once said-why ask?

Youve already said youre not going to provide anything at all because you so poiint in this thread really

BadLad · 19/05/2019 00:32

We had a dry wedding reception (family home, lots of nice nibbles and wedding cake, no booze provided), so some people's obsession with the availability of alcohol around weddings strikes me as odd. It's one day (or evening). Can't people enjoy themselves without alcohol?

Do you mean that you didn't provide any alcohol, so guests who wanted it hsd to buy their own? Or do you mean there was none available at all?

Purpleartichoke · 19/05/2019 01:45

I’ve been to weddings with a fully open bar and weddings with absolutely no alcohol available and everything in between. It is all fine.

I find the easiest setup for guests paying for their own drinks is a restaurant where they can just pop up to the bar and get drinks they want. That way the wait staff don’t have to track separate bills, but the venue will probably have a system they like to use.

Tavannach · 19/05/2019 02:06

I think I would drop the photographer and give the photography duties to any competent teenagers who are coming. Give them some clue as to what you want and websites of wedding photos. The photographs won't be professional standard but you'll still have a visual reminder.
If you can't face doing that then I'd put a note in with invitation, and make sure the venue know in advance that the guests will be buying their own drinks so that the restaurant can ease the logistics of that.

7salmonswimming · 19/05/2019 02:26

I don’t understand why you’re asking.

You’ve cut expenses down to the bone already - fine.

You don’t want to compromise on guest list - fine.

You don’t have any money to pay for alcohol - fine.

Why would it matter if you were being unreasonable no providing alcohol? There’s nothing you can or want to do about it anyway 🤷‍♀️