Won’t work but wants money!

[Manclife1]

So, wife and I work in similar jobs, for similar length of time, for same pay and career opportunities. Wife works part time (3 day week) following the birth of our children which was her choice as I wanted us both work a 4 day week and split childcare 50/50.

Youngest goes to high school September and so she no longer needs to pick up/drop off and can go back full time. However, she’s refusing to do so as working a full week would be ‘too exhausting’. In the same breath she’s complaining that we can’t afford nice holidays etc.

AIBU to think shes taking the piss? I’d love to reduce my hours and spend more time with her and the kids but can’t while she’s working so few hours.

PS household tasks split 50/50 apart from laundry which she does on days off.

Hey, I've thought of another option. You keep working 5 days a week but out keep one fifth of your earnings to yourself. Then you can save up and treat yourself to stuff that you want because you've earned it.

Iris,putting some bleach some down a bog isn’t demanding or gruelling
Don’t big up mundane tasks as being s stressful or equivalent to work
When did the wife last work equivalent hours,face the pressure & demands of working that op does

FFS, for once can we take a thread written by a MAN the same as we would if it was written by a WOMAN.

And by the sounds of it the OP wife is the type who will insist that EVERYTHING is split 50/50 even though she at home more then the OP, why can't she do the house while OP is at work and children are at school.

I'm a SAHM to school age children and it's 'my job' to keep the house and household duties up to date as I am at home. Just as do not do housework when my DH is home from work.

Any OP if your wife wants more luxury items then SHE needs to find a way to earn the money to pay for them. It's not fair for her to demand you work more to pay for it when you already work FT.

Jeez, the MN hive does not like siding with men who offer a convincing portrait of a workshy woman.

@Iris1654

Fridge defrosted 2 weeks ago as the freezer part was almost none existent. Clothes were sorted by wove a week ago but I put the decent stuff on eBay as we went along. Shower depends on who’s doing what, that said I re-grouted and siliconed it 6 months ago.

I also know to pull out sofas to vacuum, hang dry when it’s sunny, use a toilet brush, make packed lunches, wipe down paint work, arrange Drs and dentist appointments (which reminds me...), make a bed and clean an oven.

You say that you split chores 50/50 apart from laundry,which most people would agree is a full time job with a family!

"Most people"? They need to give their heads a wobble then since plenty of people manage to combine chores and laundry with an actual, real full time job.

OP, YANBU. Your original suggestion that you both work 4 days a week was perfectly fair but she dismissed it and somehow got her own way. You've been working hard to facilitate her working part time for years and you're perfectly within your rights to say you've had enough and would like some of the same consideration for yourself. Why does she think FT working would be "exhausting" for her but it's perfectly fine for you? If she won't increase her hours to 4 days a week to allow you to reduce your hours to the same then she's being selfish.

So do you remember things like extended family birthdays and think of what to get and buy it, that sort of thing

Only on MN is the stress and effort of present buying comparable to that of paid work I'm sure OP would gladly take on this immense responsibility if it meant he could drop two days at work, as I imagine most people would!

Ah ha! Fatal mistake OP. If you really did any of these things, you would know that toilet brushes are the work of the devil and must never ever enter the house .

My FIL worked his whole life and my MIL gave up as soon as she got married. He didn't mind at all and although I wouldn't have chosen their life, his logic was this; all the emotional labour was done. MIL used to be home when DH got back from high school and needed to vent, she carried the emotional heart of the family and kept everyone on an even keel. In order to do that she didn't work and was a very... relaxed... person. She even used to wait up when the kids were at pub-and-stumbling-home age. And chat with them, deal with their stuff.

As I say, I wouldn't have chosen that but it worked for them. It sounds like OP is a little more clued in to the actual stuff that needs doing (school appeal) but thinking about the value that people bring is important. Not just household chores but the emotional labour.

My DH wouldn't make costumes, or facilitate playdates, or bake for stuff, or do bloody homemade party bags. He doesn't see it as important. But he does understand that DD gets something from it. So he washes up. I work BTW in case anyone thinks this is self-interest!

Toilet brush?youre fucked now that you mentioned ownership of that
Do you even know what zoflora is
Mate you could be up all night hand sewing kids costume for play but you’re never going to be forgiven for the bog brush

Haha! The toilet brush was a decoy to plan my escape as a TB is like the lord piper of mumsnet!

Only on mn can a woman be called selfish for putting her family first. teens also need a parent at home after school. fair enough if you have to work but God help you if you can't manage with a ft and pt wage.

Stress of present buying.dont yank the chain.its not stressful,or onerous
I have amazon prime, and I shop online I buy presents with a mere click
Bigging up ordinary tasks ep present buying,posting a card as onerous,demanding is really over stating the effort involved

"He said they split everything but they laundry 50/50. How do you know what he's considering or not considering?"

From what he's posting and when.

"Someone who has no awareness of "wifework" has managed a school appeal for his child, hey?" I never assume an op is telling the whole truth, also this was only posted significantly later in the thread after invisible tasks were pointed out as a factor.

"My dh easily does 50%, maybe more. It's not that unusual" great, that's one example though and as myself and others have said, there's numerous studies that show that men, even when they - even when their wives/partners - think they're doing X amount actually aren't.

Plus umpteen threads on here by posters who's husbands/partners THINK they're doing loads when they are barely scratching the surface.

"FFS, for once can we take a thread written by a MAN the same as we would if it was written by a WOMAN." How about when true equality is actually achieved? We're very far from that currently. The reality is life ISN'T the same for both sexes.

@EggAndButter
"All studies show men vastly over estimate how much they do. I suspect this is the same here. Thee split isn't 50/50 (it never is)."
I bet if a woman came on MN stating she does, say, 70% of the household chores you wouldn't virtually accuse them of lying or exaggerating.

"The OP wants an easier life. And expects his DW to work harder."
The OP has stated his preference was for them to both work 4 days and have time to spend together as a family. From what he had said, it's the other way round and his wife wants the easier life.

You have a very low view of men, you sound quite bitter. You may have met the bad ones but there is no reason to make accusations about the OP. He sounds like a very reasonable man who does his share and wants to enjoy quality time with his wife and DC.

Only on mn can a woman be called selfish for putting her family first

Only on MN can a woman be never in the wrong. I'm about as feminist as they come but his wife sounds selfish, why can't they both work a little less than average and share the load?

RomanyQueen1 only someone a bit thick would think a woman who claimed she had to stay home four days a week because anything more was too stressful, even though the family can't afford a nice holiday, is thinking about what's "best for the family" rather than is lazy and entitled.

putting her family first.She’s faffing about whilst the kids are at school
And quite happy to do so whilst she can get away with it

It's sad that you have to continuously prove yourself to be believed.

You sound great and working an equal number of days sounds ideal for you both. If she insists on everything at home being equal so it's really unfair that she won't work equally.

If she brings up lack of holidays again maybe make a spreadsheet of income vs expenditure and work out how long it would take you to afford a holiday or ask what she feels is reasonable to drop to prioritise this. Try not to be accusatory or confrontational, it's really very simple "We cannot afford it, something needs to change to be able to. What change do you think we can make?" If she's really adverse to working more days then you can't make her but you can insist she prioritises what she wants and drops another luxury to save for a holiday (if you have luxuries you can afford).

You can also explain to her how you feel about not seeing much of the DC. It doesn't have to be made out to be her fault, just because you feel a certain way, it doesn't mean there has to be blame. Rephrasing your argument to be about how this is affecting you emotionally rather than making it about her should help because she loves you so she should be willing to come up with solutions to this problem.

I love my DP to bits and I can be very stubborn & defensive if he's telling me what I'm doing wrong. However, if he simply tells me how he feels & how he is affected then I'm likely to change my behaviour to help him because I want him to be happy.

Are you sure the chores are split 50/50? I find this is rarely the case.

Bibi And you know This because ?

"FFS, for once can we take a thread written by a MAN the same as we would if it was written by a WOMAN." How about when true equality is actually achieved? We're very far from that currently. The reality is life ISN'T the same for both sexes.

Well, there you have it fella. You're not going to get a fair trial here.

How about when true equality is actually achieved? We're very far from that currently. The reality is life ISN'T the same for both sexes.

Equality might come faster if certain women didn't think they deserve to stay at home and be supported like 50s housewives because work is too stressful for us delicate flowers.

From my point of view, I think the age of the children isn't too important. In fact I'd say secondary children need parents after school every bit as much - and if not more - than younger children.

I was always led to think that present buying was a big stress. I don't buy presents or cards so I wouldn't know

I do thank that plenty of women enjoy being martyrs though. You see it all the time here on mn. Help! DH insists on having his family over so I have to clean, shop, cook and serve dinner whilst supervising baby and entertaining toddler. Er, no you don't mate.

How about when true equality is actually achieved? We're very far from that currently. The reality is life ISN'T the same for both sexes.

Of course it isn't but that doesn't mean to say that all men are liars/couldn't possibly do 50/50 or more of "wifework" Don't accuse me on not all menning this either because it's literally what the thread is about.

It's anecdotal I know but I can tell you my DH does share the "wifework" load with me, we both work fulltime and neither of us need prompting from the other