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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Won’t work but wants money!

626 replies

Manclife1 · 17/05/2019 13:49

So, wife and I work in similar jobs, for similar length of time, for same pay and career opportunities. Wife works part time (3 day week) following the birth of our children which was her choice as I wanted us both work a 4 day week and split childcare 50/50.

Youngest goes to high school September and so she no longer needs to pick up/drop off and can go back full time. However, she’s refusing to do so as working a full week would be ‘too exhausting’. In the same breath she’s complaining that we can’t afford nice holidays etc.

AIBU to think shes taking the piss? I’d love to reduce my hours and spend more time with her and the kids but can’t while she’s working so few hours.

PS household tasks split 50/50 apart from laundry which she does on days off.

OP posts:
RussianSpamBot · 17/05/2019 14:36

Is there no way you could reduce your hours? I dont think it would be unreasonable to do so. 4 days each sounds great.

floribunda18 · 17/05/2019 14:37

We only have the OP's word that everything is 50/50. His DW could in fact be doing all the organisation for the household and lots of wifework he doesn't even realise she does. It's not housework or childcare that is necessarily exhausting, it's remembering everything for everyone and where everyone is meant to be at one time, which certainly does not go away once they are at high school, even though they gradually become more independent.

Why do you not believe that she is exhausted? If she really is exhausted now, how do you think going back to work FT will go, for her mental and physical health and for the relationship?

JacquesHammer · 17/05/2019 14:39

Why does she think working a full week would be exhausting?

What specifically is she concerned about?

On the facts in the OP, it does seem the fairest solution is working 4 days each.

Original poster
Manclife1 · 17/05/2019 14:41

Okay, the only additional tasks as I’ve said is the laundry (which I iron). We work shifts so one drops off, other picks up except on days she’s off which takes 15mins.

Gardening and household jobs like DIY I do and we share cooking and cleaning (gets done before bed when we’re both at home).

The amount of work she would have to do would decrease a little as laundry would obviously then be shared. The holidays would be covered with is both using up leave which we do now.

The extra day off would mean I could take a day off at the weekend which I sometimes work and I’d be able to spend the few hours after school with them.

OP posts:
Bibidy · 17/05/2019 14:42

Do you feel that she's aiming the comments about lack of nice holidays etc at you? If so then I think you should bring it up and have a word with her about pulling her weight and going back full-time.

If not and she's just having a moan, but your family can afford to continue on your current income then I would look at why you feel so annoyed about it. Is it because you would like to do the things she says too but you can't as she's not earning enough money? Is it that you feel resentful that she gets more time off than you?

I only say this as I think if your youngest child is about to start secondary school then even if you go part-time too you won't be getting significantly more time with your kids at this point (unless you currently work shifts/over the weekend of course).

In your shoes I think I would feel very annoyed that I was carrying the financial can for the family while my partner gets to only work 3 days a week, even after the necessity to do that has gone. It's not very fair.

floribunda18 · 17/05/2019 14:43

In a year or so I will have two at secondary school, and I'm going from three days a week to FT but ONLY on the premise that I am still working at least two days from home and that we get a cleaner again. And my job is lovely and not stupidly demanding so I don't mind doing it FT.

Bibidy · 17/05/2019 14:43

Just seen your last post...in that case I think it's perfectly reasonable to suggest doing 4 days each, or at least that you drop a day so you have a bit more free time.

NailsNeedDoing · 17/05/2019 14:44

Yeah, she's taking the piss. She needs to be told to step up and do her fair share. Or at the very least, stop complaining that she can't have the holidays she wants.

AlexaAmbidextra · 17/05/2019 14:44

It does sound as if you dont want to work either though and would take advantage of her picking up more days so resentment has set in

gamerchick. How do you come to that conclusion? Oh silly me, it’s a man posting so there just has to be some fault on his side doesn’t there? Hmm

Fairenuff · 17/05/2019 14:44

He didn’t ask for that when the child needed more support and therefore more work from him

Yes he did. That's exactly what he wanted to do but she refused.

On the chores front OP, do you carry the mental load? (Do you even know what the mental load is).

Original poster
Manclife1 · 17/05/2019 14:45

@EggAndButter I know it’s 50/50 because she ensures that it is, besides I’ve lived alone long enough to not be the lazy guys you might know. Also, I wanted it to be equal parental responsibility from the start be she objected to it. Not to mention it not an ‘easier’ life I want but more time with my children who won’t be home for much longer.

OP posts:
dottiedodah · 17/05/2019 14:46

You say that you split chores 50/50 apart from laundry,which most people would agree is a full time job with a family!.If she is happy with a 3 day week then she will have to realise that overseas trips are off for the moment!.Maybe have a chat and see if you can reach a compromise .she keeps the shorter working week, and perhaps go for short breaks at a budget hotel/buy a tent /caravan whatever .She cant have it both ways round!

BarbaraofSevillle · 17/05/2019 14:46

Have you reviewed your budget? Sometimes you may be overspending in other areas and it may just be a case of spending more carefully to free up money for a holiday, rather than needing to work more.

As an extreme, going from careless spending to more careful moneysaving could free up hundreds of pounds a month with little change in lifestyle.

As an example nearly everyone on the programme Eat Well for Less was on there because they couldn't afford a holiday, but they were all spending massive amounts on food and wasting a lot of it, or buying expensive brands, when they were more than happy with cheaper ones once they had done a blind tasting.

www.moneysavingexpert.com/family/money-help/

Original poster
Manclife1 · 17/05/2019 14:47

@Bibidy I like the flipped way of looking at it. Perhaps you’re right.

OP posts:
gamerchick · 17/05/2019 14:47

gamerchick. How do you come to that conclusion? Oh silly me, it’s a man posting so there just has to be some fault on his side doesn’t there? hm

I never assumed this was a man posting. Could quite as easily have been a woman.

NeverTwerkNaked · 17/05/2019 14:49

Yanbu. Both doing a 4 day week would be the most fair. Certainly it is in her power to earn more for nicer holidays. Could you drop to a 4 day week even if she stays at 3? Then neither of you resent the other? And if she ever decides more money would be nice she can pick up an extra day?

Hopeygoflightly · 17/05/2019 14:50

I'd sit her down and tell her that you want to work four days and have her work four days. That way the children benefit from having you both around more, you;d have more time to do household stuff etc. and it's fairer.

If she refuses then I'd say you need to look at your relationship because that would be a deal breaker for me. You should have to work FT for no apparent reason.

Original poster
Manclife1 · 17/05/2019 14:50

@Fairenuff the planning, prepping, bills, family occasions etc is give or take 50/50. For example I dealt with the youngest schools appeal from start to finish while she’s been going through the finances.

OP posts:
Hopeygoflightly · 17/05/2019 14:52

you will get more time with your kids - even if they're older. You'll be there to cook for them, you'll be there for helping homework, you'll get stuff done that will free up weekend time, and you'll have more time for yourself which will make you happier and less stressed.

RussianSpamBot · 17/05/2019 14:52

I do always smell a rat when one partner decides they want to go part time as soon as the hardest work is done. However if DW has done 24 hours over 3 days she's had a decent chunk of me time there while the kids were at school. Has she OP, or was it more like school hours?

And yeah, who said OP is a bloke? Women with wives are a thing!

Bluntness100 · 17/05/2019 14:52

Good grief, eggandbutter, are you the wife? Because that's one hell of a nerve he's hit with you.

Op, the only thing you can do is talk to her and explain you're unhappy with the situation. She does appear to be taking the piss somewhat.

Explain it's not fair for you to be doing rhe lions share no matter how exhausting she finds life. The bottom line is as adults we are responsible, and if she wants more, she needs to get her finger out.

StatisticallyChallenged · 17/05/2019 14:53

"You say that you split chores 50/50 apart from laundry,which most people would agree is a full time job with a family!"

No, laundry is not a full time job, neither is 50% of chores plus laundry! Different when there are littlies at home but with all children high school age then it's not fair to expect to just work part time because that's what she likes doing.

deydododatdodontdeydo · 17/05/2019 14:53

She is BU.
I'm sure we would all love an extra day off a week.
And Eggs is massively projecting and missing huge parts of the OPs posts - childcare for a HS pupil ffs?

steff13 · 17/05/2019 14:54

You say that you split chores 50/50 apart from laundry,which most people would agree is a full time job with a family!

I have a family of 5. We do laundry almost every day, it only takes an hour or so of hands-on time, assuming you're not dragging it down to the river and beating it on a rock. It's nowhere near a FT job. Besides, the OP said they would split it if she worked more.

KaliforniaDreamz · 17/05/2019 14:54

Maybe she would find it too much and she did (i assume) give birth to the kids.....

(runs..)