Won’t work but wants money!

[Manclife1]

So, wife and I work in similar jobs, for similar length of time, for same pay and career opportunities. Wife works part time (3 day week) following the birth of our children which was her choice as I wanted us both work a 4 day week and split childcare 50/50.

Youngest goes to high school September and so she no longer needs to pick up/drop off and can go back full time. However, she’s refusing to do so as working a full week would be ‘too exhausting’. In the same breath she’s complaining that we can’t afford nice holidays etc.

AIBU to think shes taking the piss? I’d love to reduce my hours and spend more time with her and the kids but can’t while she’s working so few hours.

PS household tasks split 50/50 apart from laundry which she does on days off.

You could ask her to go to couples therapy though - maybe an impartial viewpoint and mediation would help.

Are people really at liberty to change their working hours, just like that?

Gosh, I'd rather be thick than expect our family to have had both parents working and no time or very little for the family.
I'd rather do without holidays tbh, but I had a dh who saw the benefit of having a sahm to be there for the family, thank God.
Couldn't have been with a man who just wanted money, holidays and us both working I'll take thick, rather than mug and skivvy any day.

I'm reading the Op's post that the wife chose to work 3 days when their child was born although the Op wanted them both to work 4 days.

Their child will be starting high school come September and as the Op's wife is complaining about lack of holidays the OP has suggested she works 5 days a week so they can have more money for holidays. She doesn't want to work 5 days but still wants holidays.

The Op and his wife currently share household chores 50:50.

The Op has the raw deal as he is working 5 days but still doing 50% of the chores compared to his wife working 3 days doing 50% chores.

Gosh, I'd rather be thick than expect our family to have had both parents working and no time or very little for the family.

And how is that relevant to this situation?

So do you remember things like extended family birthdays and think of what to get and buy it, that sort of thing

In this day and age there is zero reason for it be presented that this kind of 'work' is invisble wife work or mental thinking work that men don't do, why because you don't need to have to remember. Just plug everything into a calendar, set reminders and alerts and ping get reminded when you need to actually do something about it.

Being female myself I am the worst at remembering birthdays, unless its in my calendar I won't remember. I can't even remember my mum's but thats mostly because its the same month and a week after my sisters bday and I keep getting them mixed up. So I stopped beating myself up for trying to remember and I just rely on my calendar to send me notifications when I've set them. Simple, easy and stress free.

OP - I think its unfair your working 5 days. Can't believe she insists on everything being 50/50 to suit her but wont insist that 50/50 pplies to work so that you both do 4 day weeks. She is selfish, taking you for a ride and dismissing your need and desire to spend more time with the kids.

Cheeky fuckery to be moaning about lack of holidays when she won't step up at least bring more money into the family.

Shall we have a pool on whether OP is male or female?

If this is the same poster but with a 1 added to their name then they're a man.

I think OP is a woman..

Does it matter? Who gives a shit. The issue remains the same irrelevant of gender.

There's a few of the studies referenced here but nothing stopping people from doing their own homework.

www.nytimes.com/2015/11/12/upshot/men-do-more-at-home-but-not-as-much-as-they-think-they-do.html

Posters are picking on particular tasks as "not onerous" when of course many individual tasks on their own wouldn't be but the cumulative effect and constancy is what's wearing! "It only takes 5 mins" multiplied by just 12 tasks = 1 hour of work. But then I know posters know this and are employing ad absurdum a argument to attempt to justify their internalised misogyny.

"Why are posters questioning a man's ability to do 50/50??" We're not questioning ability we're questioning motivation, willingness and their recognition of EVERYTHING that's done much of which is invisible/mental.

You could ask her to go to couples therapy though - maybe an impartial viewpoint and mediation would help

Yes that’s the trick.waste money on someone saying hmm and doing a head tilt

Or tell her to up her hours she’s lazy. No mediation. No Counselling. Just telt

I suspect your wife is doing a shot load more than you think she is doing op. Who does all the admin, the birthdays? The play dates? The bills? Christmas? Food shopping? The health appointments for the children? The emotional support for dc?

You may very well be doing 50% of the housework ( and by the way laundry and ironing for a family of 5 is NOT insignificant) but what about everything else??

You are being supported here because you haven’t been entirely. Lear I suspect. Your wife still works she just isn’t be paid for all the stuff above, but someone has to do it!!!

Are people really at liberty to change their working hours, just like that?
yes,in a lot of cases. Request a change.do the paperwork.

Shit
Clear

I would have no issue with the OP being a woman.
Man or woman, my position would be the same.

There is no way the OP is doing 50/50 whilst working full time and his DW works part time. Even in gay couple (men or women) they recognise that the partner who is at home does way more just because they are at home.
The feeling of 'my dw ensures that I am doing 50/50' tells more about the OP and their lack of willigness to actually share the load than it does about how much they are doing. It also means its unlikely that they are doing 50/50 (Ive tried that with H and its more or less impossible).

What does strike me, regardless of gender, is the lack of recognition that the dw is actually working, albeit less than the OP.
That the OP gives no acknowledgement that this means MORE work for his dw and less for him.
None of it are good signs tbh.

I know it’s 50/50 because she ensures that it is

Oh, the irony...

AryaStarkWolf

In fact I'd say secondary children need parents after school every bit as much - and if not more - than younger children

I entirely agree. For taking them to activities if there’s no public transport (like here) and for just being around when they decide to open up about things that are worrying them.

This seems really unfair and would really get to me. Also, you don't have that much time to sort this. Before you know it the kids will be of an age where they really aren't as keen to hang out with you, they might well be mainly with their friends. If you can afford the basics I would just reduce my hours, fuck it. She can either increase hers or suck it up. At this rate, it feels like she will just stall you till it's essentially too late.

@Dungeondragon15 I’ll take that as a compliment.

@BarbaraofSevillle the user name is Manc Life as I’m from Manchester as opposed to Man Clife

spring - the OP has already answered those questions (and indeed when they last defrosted the freezer) plus the Op does the ironing

MN has an utterly Stakhanovite view of work for mothers. It must be out of the home and full time.

@slipperorchid
It depends what the actual wages are as to whether the financials would be better by them both working 4 days a week but it's certainly possible. It may well be that the OP is paying higher rate income tax by working 5 days but if they each worked 4 days both would stay in the 20 % rate band.

I would be telling her where to go. If she wants the nicer things in life then she has to work for them.
I would also be telling her to do more in the house being as she works one day a week less than me.
The kids are in high school, so instead of sitting around moaning she can either crack on with the hoovering or get out to work.
That would be my stance.
Imagine if it was the other way around and it was a woman posting this about her partner. It would be awash with everything from 'sit him down and give him a stern talking to' to LTB

My DH does 50% of the housework. I made an excel document and rated all the tasks (including thinking) and gave them a score based on physical and mental challenge. I also factor in who was the majority contributing person in the creation of the task. For example who used the toilet the most in a given week. (This goes on the shit chart) There is also the eek factor like cleaning the toilet that gets bonus points. The other factor is the enjoyment of task. My DH watches Jamie Oliver a lot so any food inspired by watching this show makes the task more like a hobby, the same goes for gardening when I watch a bit of Charlie Dimmock. Finally the 9hours it takes me to think about, create and update said excel document. I then put into a mathematical formula and calculate 50% of the tasks for the week. Sometimes I only clean 1/3 of the toilet and call DH to do the rest. Usually I grab a cuppa and do more thinking. We then clean the cup 50/50 of course.

@EggAndButter you can draw all the conclusions you like based on info from other sources but work is split 50/50. It may not mean we wash the pots the same number of days a week but the ‘household work load’ is split 50/50.

If a single parent can work full time and run a household I don’t see why you’re surprised I’m able to work full time and only do half the work.