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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Won’t work but wants money!

626 replies

Manclife1 · 17/05/2019 13:49

So, wife and I work in similar jobs, for similar length of time, for same pay and career opportunities. Wife works part time (3 day week) following the birth of our children which was her choice as I wanted us both work a 4 day week and split childcare 50/50.

Youngest goes to high school September and so she no longer needs to pick up/drop off and can go back full time. However, she’s refusing to do so as working a full week would be ‘too exhausting’. In the same breath she’s complaining that we can’t afford nice holidays etc.

AIBU to think shes taking the piss? I’d love to reduce my hours and spend more time with her and the kids but can’t while she’s working so few hours.

PS household tasks split 50/50 apart from laundry which she does on days off.

OP posts:
SkintAsASkintThing · 20/05/2019 12:22

This thread is hilarious 😂😂😂

Full of women screeching and wailing their justification of being lazy sods because they popped a sprog out 20 years ago.........don't even get me started on the laundry version of the MN chicken and Christmas and birthdays being a full time job.

Op, your wife needs to stop being so idle and start being a lot more fair. She's had an easy ride for far too long.

deydododatdodontdeydo · 20/05/2019 14:42

Just catching up this thread.
Wow.
Amazing how a few people can willfully misinterpret what OP literally wrote.
Even though he said everything is split 50/50 except laundry where he does all the ironing, and so many people blindly stating that poor wife has so much to do, what with all that laundry and ironing Hmm
Genuinely crazy people on here.

MangoFeverDream · 20/05/2019 15:03

Can’t believe I read that teenagers need more time than young children ... wtf you literally can’t leave small kids without adult supervision, how does this remotely compare to just being available when they need a chat or driven out to do sports or whatever? I can’t ..... even

AryaStarkWolf · 20/05/2019 15:41

Can’t believe I read that teenagers need more time than young children ... wtf you literally can’t leave small kids without adult supervision, how does this remotely compare to just being available when they need a chat or driven out to do sports or whatever? I can’t ..... even

And to add teenagers are pretty much in school the whole of the working day anyway.

JacquesHammer · 20/05/2019 15:42

I tend to agree that - certainly Year 7 - need just as much if not more parental input than a primary school child.

AryaStarkWolf · 20/05/2019 15:51

I tend to agree that - certainly Year 7 - need just as much if not more parental input than a primary school child

Yeah but there not even there most of the time that you would be at work (or most "normal" working hours) so that makes no sense what so ever

BarbaraofSevillle · 20/05/2019 15:55

Also at year 7, in the absence of SENs, they can travel to school alone, let themselves in after school or be left alone for an hour, whereas you couldn't do that with younger DC.

BarbaraofSevillle · 20/05/2019 15:57

To clarify for the pedants, most year 7s can travel to school alone and most younger DCs need taking.

Obviously that doesn't apply if your year 7 DC is 20 miles from school and not on the bus route, while you live next to the year 5 DCs school.

JacquesHammer · 20/05/2019 15:59

Yeah but there not even there most of the time that you would be at work (or most "normal" working hours) so that makes no sense what so ever

Except they’re there from what, 4pm every day. I think that’s the times that’s important (and indeed the pre-school time too)

Kelsoooo · 20/05/2019 16:05

Fuck me there are some martyrs on here.

OP talk with your wife, talk through all your options and see how she feels, and how you feel and take it from there.

And in defence of men....

My DH and I share the load 50/50 and he does plenty of the mental load stuff.

This week he took the eldest to her birthday party and the youngest shopping for school shoes and even, Jesus he must be a genius, bought her trainers because his tiny man brain managed to figure out she'd probably need those to. whilst he was out, the eldests new swimming bag arrived that he'd ordered for her.

He literally just text me to say he's take the kids to their club on Wednesday so I could rest because he knows I've been studying super hard for my final assignments, whilst working full time.

On top of which, I've managed to get that full time job of a family worth of washing doing. Whilst he cooked tea.

Jesus Christ, I don't know how we manage it. Working full time and having full time laundry job too!

I think some PPS need to get in the real world. And quick smart.

Having been a SAHM, and stepping straight back into full time work, and then adding uni to it ...being a SAHM was by far the fucking easiest. It's boredom that makes you all think it's some kind of amazing work you do.

AryaStarkWolf · 20/05/2019 16:10

Except they’re there from what, 4pm every day. I think that’s the times that’s important (and indeed the pre-school time too)

Most parents would leave at the the same time as the kids would so what do you mean "pre school"? The average school day for a secondary student is 7 hours, the average working day is 8, are you really trying to argue that that one hours difference is some sort of mystical, witching hour where teens need most parenting? Come off the stage

Jaxhog · 20/05/2019 16:12

Wow, op, you really did get a drubbing from some mumsnetters who don't believe a mere man could understand the complexities of housework and childcare! My DH does more than 50% of the housework and is perfectly capable of washing, ironing and vaccuming. And he's willing to change the bed without being asked. We split the tasks this way, because I'm the techie so fix the computer stuff etc.

My only wish is that there were more of you! Although I suspect there already are.

I don't get this 'men are bad, women are good' stuff. There are good people of both sexes.

Ces6 · 20/05/2019 16:19

I work 3 days and dh works 5. The difference is I don't like my job but I got it to work better around childcare. This was a sacrifice for me too! I would be v pissed if dh suggested I work longer at a job I hate tbh when it has suited him all these years. (He travels a lot for work and I gave up on a job I would have loved because we couldn't both travel).

JacquesHammer · 20/05/2019 16:20

The average school day for a secondary student is 7 hours, the average working day is 8, are you really trying to argue that that one hours difference is some sort of mystical, witching hour where teens need most parenting? Come off the stage

I’m saying certainly for me and my pre-teen the time before and after school is really important to spend together.

But then I don’t work full time, and pretty much never will.

AryaStarkWolf · 20/05/2019 16:21

@Ces6 tbf though the OP has said that working 3 days was his wifes choice not his, he wanted them both to work 4 days

Jaxhog · 20/05/2019 16:21

Just think, if we all insisted on getting together with or marrying men who were like the Op, the other sort would soon die out. Maybe we need to be a bit choosier...

AryaStarkWolf · 20/05/2019 16:24

I’m saying certainly for me and my pre-teen the time before and after school is really important to spend together.

But then I don’t work full time, and pretty much never will.

And I'm saying most people who work FT would still be at home before school starts, why wouldn't they be? I work FT and my kids leave with me in the morning. I'm astounded that you're trying to say that that one hour after school is the most important hour of the day though, like the minute 5/6pm rolls around the kids will no longer be available to speak.......... I have two teens and I can put your mind at ease, they talk all the time.

JacquesHammer · 20/05/2019 16:26

I'm astounded that you're trying to say that that one hour after school is the most important hour of the day though, like the minute 5/6pm rolls around the kids will no longer be available to speak.......... I have two teens and I can put your mind at ease, they talk all the time

Yeah that’s absolutely what I said...

I mean please copy and paste where I said the hour before school is the most important of the day? I’ve been very clear to refer to the time before and after school, do you need me to help you spot that?

JacquesHammer · 20/05/2019 16:26

Sadly though, it won’t be now. DD’s train has arrived and I’m off to spend time with her Grin

AryaStarkWolf · 20/05/2019 16:34

Sadly though, it won’t be now. DD’s train has arrived and I’m off to spend time with her

I hope you have some break through conversations, in this the witching hour of motherhood Smile

Ces6 · 20/05/2019 16:35

And I'm saying most people who work FT would still be at home before school starts, why wouldn't they be?
Surely that's quite unusual? Especially if you have a long commute.

LaurieMarlow · 20/05/2019 16:35

I’m saying certainly for me and my pre-teen the time before and after school is really important to spend together.

I’m not even sure why this point is being debated because the OP has already stated that his ideal situation is both parents working 4 days, rather than 3/5 thus no overall difference in parental time spent with kids.

AryaStarkWolf · 20/05/2019 16:40

Surely that's quite unusual? Especially if you have a long commute.

Not where I'm from, most families I know, one of the parents drops the kids to school on their way to work.

AryaStarkWolf · 20/05/2019 16:42

I’m not even sure why this point is being debated because the OP has already stated that his ideal situation is both parents working 4 days, rather than 3/5 thus no overall difference in parental time spent with kids.

This is still the slightly off topic point about people saying that teens are apparently more in need of looking after than young kids.

MQv2 · 20/05/2019 17:16

Who's in charge of passport renewals and meal planning?

If MN has thought me one thing, it's that those are tasks that can only be completed by dedicated women and are much more strenuous than any work a man might ever under take