Won’t work but wants money!

[Manclife1]

So, wife and I work in similar jobs, for similar length of time, for same pay and career opportunities. Wife works part time (3 day week) following the birth of our children which was her choice as I wanted us both work a 4 day week and split childcare 50/50.

Youngest goes to high school September and so she no longer needs to pick up/drop off and can go back full time. However, she’s refusing to do so as working a full week would be ‘too exhausting’. In the same breath she’s complaining that we can’t afford nice holidays etc.

AIBU to think shes taking the piss? I’d love to reduce my hours and spend more time with her and the kids but can’t while she’s working so few hours.

PS household tasks split 50/50 apart from laundry which she does on days off.

Does OP really do half of chores though? Quite often women take the mental load of organising the family, also deal with medical appointments, sick days, cooking, birthdays etc. Tbh OP sounds a bit mean and not the sort of man I’d want to be married to. I currently work ft but my DH can’t wait for me to reduce hours later in the year as he appreciates my role in the family unit. OP sounds a bit tit for tat.

Does OP really do half of chores though? Quite often women take the mental load of organising the family, also deal with medical appointments, sick days, cooking, birthdays etc.

How original. Another fucking list. I think you’ll find this has already been the subject of much discussion.

I currently work ft but my DH can’t wait for me to reduce hours later in the year as he appreciates my role in the family unit

Why doesn’t the OP get to experience a similar ‘role in the family unit’?

Providing for the family doesn’t fall more heavily on the shoulders of the person with a penis. Or at least it shouldn’t.

No it shouldn’t fall more heavily on the man but not should the value of a person in the home be minimised. And generally, it tends to be women. An example is that while my DH is a wonderful man in many ways he will not organise activities or get involved in what our DD does, he will just leave her with an iPad and whatever food she likes. He also won’t stop work to take his sick parent t hospital, I have done that, nor is he great a cooking or making sure the family eat well. And all of those things are valuable and he appreciates that

No it shouldn’t fall more heavily on the man but not should the value of a person in the home be minimised.

Who’s minimising it? The OP wants to give more of his time to the home, not less.

DH is a wonderful man in many ways he will not organise activities or get involved in what our DD does, he will just leave her with an iPad and whatever food she likes. He also won’t stop work to take his sick parent t hospital, I have done that, nor is he great a cooking or making sure the family eat well. And all of those things are valuable and he appreciates that

Yeah. He sounds wonderful. I would rather be married to the o/p to be honest.

My dh actually does all of that. And work. We have both worked pt and ft, depending on our financial and work/life balance needs.

When dh lost his job he picked up everything at home. When I burned out i stopped work for a while.

It’s not the 50’s. Make sure you don’t give up your life to enable his. And make sure you are in a financial position to have options.

Lellikelly26 but how is what your husband does relevant to the OP?

He has already stated he does half the cooking for example and took the whole mental load while he was off work. Just because generally a woman might do more home related tasks, doesn't change the fact that this isn't the case for the everyone, and certainly not for OP.

DH is a wonderful man in many ways he will not organise activities or get involved in what our DD does, he will just leave her with an iPad and whatever food she likes. He also won’t stop work to take his sick parent to hospital, I have done that, nor is he great a cooking or making sure the family eat well. And all of those things are valuable and he appreciates that

Wonderful in many ways?Well not in fact wonderful in the ways of...
Planning adequate,appropriate activities for his own daughter
Participating in activities with daughter
Will not prepare food for daughter or a meal for his own family
Won’t alter work commitments to take sick parent to hospital

Gee,he’s a keeper. A real team player. demonstrating caveman behaviour to partner and family,knowing his partner will step up.so he doesn’t have to

It sounds like the OP and his wife aren’t particularly compatible if she wants to be at home more and he wants to compete with her. I’m sure lots of women would rather have a more generous man tbh. You might not like that but it’s the truth and is reflected in a lot of the marriages I see in my circle and parents at my children’s school.

Given what you posted about your dp inadequacies you’re in no position to address op potential shortcomings

Crikey lelli your DH doesn't sound at all wonderful to me - am so sorry your children have to put up with him and am sorry for the disappointment his parent must feel when experiencing him putting work before their health and comfort.

It sounds like the OP and his wife aren’t particularly compatible if she wants to be at home more and he wants to compete with her. I’m sure lots of women would rather have a more generous man tbh. You might not like that but it’s the truth and is reflected in a lot of the marriages I see in my circle and parents at my children’s school

Compete? A more generous man?

No thanks. I like my career and am more than happy dh picks up the slack at home. I don’t need a man to provide, thank you very much.

And in my “circle” most women have jobs and careers equal to their husbands, and both share the home and family responsibilities.

Why can’t men want to be at home with their kids? Do you really want an uninvolved sperm donor who disengages themselves the minute after conception?

My dh actually likes his kids and enjoys spending time with them.

It sounds like the OP and his wife aren’t particularly compatible if she wants to be at home more and he wants to compete with her

I find it absolutely extraordinary that you’d see sharing the load of work/family equally as ‘competing’ with her.

Sounds like you know lots of women who want to be ‘kept’. You must be so proud.

OP what is the job in question? I have a very stressful job (high stakes, long hours, professional). I have 3 preschool children. I currently work 3 days a week but will probably up it again when they go to school. I always worked FT before having children. My DH works full time.
I find looking after 3 preschoolers very easy compared to work. I love having the time off. It’s challenging but fun and much easier and less stressful than working. Is her job particularly stressful or difficult? I know I’m not looking forward to upping my hours when they go to primary school, but I’m going to do it.

Lelli,your DP He’s not generous he’s mean spirited but he pays for stuff so you’re willing to overlook your dp shortcomings

I don’t need a man, I don’t need a mans generosity. if I want/need item I’ll buy it

I’m not beholden to any man being generous. It’s not his role to splash the cash for me. I splash my own cash

My dp will happily,spontaneously
Plan adequate,appropriate activities for our children
Participating in activities with our children
prepare food and/or meal for his family
alter his work commitments to take sick parent to hospital

@featherflight both work first line management in public sector (think head nurse type of job) but different sectors of it.

“I find looking after 3 preschoolers very easy compared to work. I love having the time off. It’s challenging but fun and much easier and less stressful than working.”

This^^ is basically what she said.

@Manclife1 do you also find it easier/less stressful staying at home and doing "house" stuff than going to work?

I think you know your answer then OP! YANBU.
My DH wouldn’t mind if I carried on 3 days a week once they go to primary, but that is because he finds his job easy. Mine is hard every day, exhausting and stressful. But I earn a lot and I want the option of private school! So my choice is to work more later. But I would love not to! Childcare is easy compared to work.

In the absence of special needs etc, most people will find staying at home easier and less stressful than going to work, despite a lot of people on here claiming otherwise.

You get to plan your own day and as long as the basics are covered, no-one gives a shit. No unreasonable bosses, unachieveable deadlines, fear of dismissal etc. And if you feel tired, you can just have a lazy day. You don't have that luxury at work.

Personal insults are generally the reserve of those who know they've lost the argument.

I've no reason to be "bitter" as I've only myself and minimally now dd to be concerned with.

But I do see all around me in real life and the majority on here women in relationships with men who think they're enlightened "new men" when they barely do 30-40% of the household tasks (physical and mental) even if the woman is earning more/doing longer hours.

Makes me even happier to be single

@cyantist I would t say easier but certainly much more rewarding. I’m doing ‘work’ for the people I love rather than a pay check.

Personal insults are generally the reserve of those who know they've lost the argument.

Erm...seeing as most people on this thread disagrees with you(except the deluded springwalk maybe) that's clearly not true.

But I do see all around me in real life and the majority on here women in relationships with men who think they're enlightened "new men" when they barely do 30-40% of the household tasks (physical and mental) even if the woman is earning more/doing longer hours.

Once again, doesn't give you the excuse to harass the OP and accuse him of lying because of your personal experience and limited ability to comprehend the idea of an exception.

How is this relevant in any way where 1)the OP has clarified SEVERAL times that he actually does do half the tasks, and 2)he works two days more than his wife anyway?! So how is the women working more but also doing more work part relevant?

I did originally think your wife was being very unreasonable. But if she genuinely finds work hard and you don't I can see why she'd want you to do more hours. But in that case she should be doing way more than 50% of housework and other tasks so your time at home is more about quality time with your family than having to do chores.

But it sounds like you're both taking a sensible approach so I'm sure it'll work out

My DH works hard at work and in the home, we just have different strengths. I have a career that took 6 years to qualify into and value it but I also value my home life. As for knowing a lot of ‘kept women’ which is a misogynist term imo, a lot of these women are highly qualified and have their own careers in teaching, occupational therapy etc but can’t cope with a full time career and being a mother. A lot of women struggle with that. It’s great to have a man who is supportive of that.

I find the shitty pile-on and name-calling to Graphista a little unpalatable.

If OPs are here to hear how great and right they are, don't ask AIBU? A very loaded and one-way thread title is a giveaway BTW.

If they genuinely want a range of opinions, then ask in good faith and don't call people with other views a twat. Graph might be wrong. But if she genuinely is completely wrong, why the vitriol? She's certainly right about a LOT of households. OP might be an outlier who genuinely shares all the housework and actually does more (my DH is one of these as well). In which case just ignore, it shouldn't bother you, she isn't talking about you then is she?