Won’t work but wants money!

[Manclife1]

So, wife and I work in similar jobs, for similar length of time, for same pay and career opportunities. Wife works part time (3 day week) following the birth of our children which was her choice as I wanted us both work a 4 day week and split childcare 50/50.

Youngest goes to high school September and so she no longer needs to pick up/drop off and can go back full time. However, she’s refusing to do so as working a full week would be ‘too exhausting’. In the same breath she’s complaining that we can’t afford nice holidays etc.

AIBU to think shes taking the piss? I’d love to reduce my hours and spend more time with her and the kids but can’t while she’s working so few hours.

PS household tasks split 50/50 apart from laundry which she does on days off.

but can’t cope with a full time career and being a mother. A lot of women struggle with that. It’s great to have a man who is supportive of that

And no men struggle with that and would like support too?

No LaurieMarlow and I’m afraid you’re naive if you think that the burden of children and the home falls equally on men and women

As for knowing a lot of ‘kept women’ which is a misogynist term imo, a lot of these women are highly qualified and have their own careers in teaching, occupational therapy etc but can’t cope with a full time career and being a mother. A lot of women struggle with that. It’s great to have a man who is supportive of that

All these men manage fine with full time careers and being a father though?

What you are actually saying is not that they struggle with a full time career and motherhood, it’s that they struggle with a full time career and also doing the lion’s share of the childcare and household jobs while they enable their husbands to abdicate responsibility.

IME the load of a full time career and motherhood is much lighter when your husband shoulders his share.

I’m afraid you’re naive if you think that the burden of children and the home falls equally on men and women

It absolutely doesn’t have to be like that and it isn’t for many in my social circle.

I know 2 couples now who job share with each other and share the burden of both providing for and running the home equally. It works well and is a truly equal partnership. That’s what the OP wants and I think it’s an admirable goal.

Frankly I think your language speaks volumes. A ‘generous’ husband is the goal and you define that purely in monetary terms. . Yet happy to play the ‘they don’t pull their weight card’ when it suits you.

I’m not at all convinced these women want anything more than someone else footing the majority of the bills.

Why shouldn’t the OP be ‘supported’ to have as much time at home as his wife does?

I know a lot of men who I work with who have families but have never changed a bed cover in their lives. Their wives take care of everything at home and the emotional welfare of the children etc. Work for these men is far easier than it is for a lot of working mothers.
I agree that in an ideal world things would be equal
I guess you lot live in a utopia

But if she genuinely is completely wrong, why the vitriol?

I'm assuming you've read the whole thread. If you have you'll see how she has continuously harassed the OP, accused him of being a liar, saying that there's no way that he can be contributing enough, and making his wife out to be completely exhausted and the OP a useless and lazy husband, based on some random study and 'personal experience'. In my opinion at least, harassing the OP continuously based off of some kind of prejudice from past experience is 'bitter' and 'twatty' behaviour.

I guess you lot live in a utopia

And I guess you and your lot live in the 1950s.

I agree with you mrsterry, i too have found the pile on to one or two posters on this thread very unpalatable too. This thread has certainly touched a nerve with some posters, on both sides of the argument. I don't understand why people think it's acceptable to get personal and call people names on threads like these. Everyone is entitled to their opinions and often those opinions are formed from people's own experiences, which are different to other people's. That's why 'aibu' can be a good place to get a balanced view, but it gets very uncomfortable when it descends into name calling.

As an aside, I stumbled across a post from the op on another thread, that i think shows that he wasn't pulling his weight before his 3 months off which perhaps caused me to form my opinion of him.

Thanks mrsTP and doghair. I've not harassed the op at all an opposing opinion and challenging the op's opinion is NOT harassment by any stretch!

The personal attacks are pathetic and as I said before generally the resort of those who know they've lost the argument.

And as a pp has also referenced and I think I mentioned earlier AS can be very illuminating.

Lelli,I live in a world were the normative behaviour is shared parenting,respect,and a man who is emotionally available to his children and partner. Were doing tasks is equitable and generosity isnt measured by expenditure.

you & your lot live in outmoded,peculiar world were your dp does nowt.nada, but that’s apparently ok because it’s the same for your friends?

@DogHairEverywhere if you’re referring to the post where I light heartedly said my wife thought I would fail when I was off for 3 months? Then you’re drawing far to much inference from 1 post and you’ve simple sought to find the evidence to support your already biased opinion. Your entitled to them despite being wrong. You also appear to have conveniently missed the repeated accusations that I’m lying and couldn’t possibly be doing half the work.

@Graphista you’ve not ‘challenged’ You’ve simply re-asserted over and over that I could not possibly know what ‘work’ is required to run a household. You’ve nothing to support you’re allegation other than you’re own experience. When, people fail to except things after being told their wrong sometimes they need telling straight. There’s also nothing making you return to this post other than stubbornness and I suspect a love of being a martyr.

Essentially, graphista and spring have taken an entrenched gendered stance
A stance that ideologically believes men don’t do fair share and op is lying
Vague hints about “research” and some such.unsubstantiated of course.
In addition to name calling op about his lack of veracity

Overall,I’m surprised in the debacle that the possession of a toilet brush got overlooked

Ownership of a Toilet brush in itself is usually social and hygiene faux pas on mn

Manclife1, Well, it was this comment
Wife thought I’d fail miserably as I didn’t understand what it entailed. Took a week or 2 to get me head around everything but I did.
Guys are not incapable, but if a women will do all the work most will leave them to it.
The fact that it took you a week or two to learn what running the house entailed, implies that before your 3 months off, you did not know what your wife did, so you could not know that you were doing 50% .
The last sentence again, is open to interpretation, i chose to interpret it that that you had been leaving it to her. I'm sure you will say that it was a more general comment.

I've not harassed the op at all an opposing opinion and challenging the op's opinion is NOT harassment by any stretch!

You have continuously accused him of not telling the truth about how much he contributes literally based on the fact that he has a penis, ignoring the actual AIBU which is about whether his wife should work more if she wants them to be able to afford a better holiday.

In what way is continuously accusing the OP of being a liar not harassment Graphista?

The fact that it took you a week or two to learn what running the house entailed, implies that before your 3 months off, you did not know what your wife did, so you could not know that you were doing 50% .The last sentence again, is open to interpretation, i chose to interpret it that that you had been leaving it to her. I'm sure you will say that it was a more general comment.

I am 99% sure that he has already said on this thread that during the three months he was off sick he started doing all these things because he effectively ran the household, and hasn't stopped doing these things since. So basically was not doing 50% before, but has been doing so for several months. I will look back now to see if I can find it again(although this thread has gotten very long)

@DogHairEverywhere if you read this thread fully I made it clear I’d taken on 100% of the housework whilst off which from a logistical point of view did take a week or two to get my head around. But you’ve made you’re decision as to what you believe and there’s little I can say to change it. But your quick judgements really does show your bias. Perhaps look into that; it’s not a nice trait to have.

Manclife1, there's really no need to be rude to me.
My point throughout this thread is that if your wife's previous experience was that she worked 3 days but did more than 50% of the house stuff, then with that experience to work from, picking up an extra day or two might feel unfair to her.
Now she has some different experience with you doing more, then she could revisit how she feels about working more, which from your update, it seems she has.
My point throughout was to ask you, did your wife feel that the house stuff was truly split 50/50 and if it was, then to ask her did she think it was fair to you, to only work 3 days to your 5.

I got to page 16 and couldn’t be bothered to read any more but you know what, I believe the OP, in fact in many ways he could be my dh.

I’m pretty lazy, I couldn’t care less about housework. I have two autistic kids, one in college now. Dh is a teacher so gets school holidays off. In the school holidays he does EVERYTHING except drive. This despite the fact he has a medical condition which exhausts him at times (he had to have 6 months off work last year)

Today (Sunday) he was up at 7am, put several loads of washing through, did all the ironing. I got up at 10am, cooked myself and ds brunch, put him apacked lunch together then drove ds to his theatre dress rehearsal. When I got back I drove dh to Asda, we did the shopping, then I mumsnetter and played candy crush whilst dh carried on with the ironing and cooked Sunday dinner I picked ds up from rehearsal, dh had dinner on the table when we got back. I did lay the table. We loaded the dishwasher together then dh fell asleep about 8pm. He has to be up early for work in the morning.

This last week he’s been dealing with issues ds has had at school,leasing with the SENCO, he organises most medical appointments, I deal with activities.

Why is it so hard to believe.

(He’s just woken up as I’m typing and gone to unload the dishwasher.

I guess you lot live in a utopia
Not a utopia, just chose to marry a man who doesn't expect women to pick up after him and finds the idea of men 'helping' around the house and 'babysitting the kids' to be patronising nonsense that infantalises men and enables them to do nothing around the house.

It's not utopian. It's about 2 adults living in a house and understanding that both parties play their part in running the house.

I guess you lot live in a utopia

I just want to address the fact that so many of us are being called liars on this thread.

Maybe it sounds like utopia to you because you have not experienced it and don't know anyone who has.

I have to say it is actually really great to have a true partner in every sense of the word.

I don't say I'm lucky that my dh is one of those who just gets on with it - childcare, planning, shopping, cooking, washing, laundry, bill paying, gardening, car repairs, redecoration (the complete list, the whole shebang, the totally 'I don't tell him what to do, he just sees it for himself and does it' type of man) - because I don't think it's luck. I wouldn't want to be with anyone who couldn't function as an adult. I'm not put on this earth to look after a man. We do it together. We are a team, a partnership, a bonded pair. If he wasn't that sort of person I wouldn't be with him.

Yes plenty of women complain that their partner has never changed a bedsheet etc. but that just makes them sound pitiful to me. I don't want to offend anyone but come on, stop being a martyr and stop treating him like an imbecile. My children were doing that when they were 8 years old.

These men who 'work hard' to provide for the family can clearly hold down a job so they are more than capable of running a home and raising children. They just don't want to because they are lazy and they have women that will do it for them. That's the bottom line.

So, yes, I guess it is a utopia to you. I'm living it and it's fucking fabulous. Wouldn't settle for anything less

@Fairenuff

Yes I was thinking that as I was reading through this thread as well about it not being "luck" I wouldn't have married a man who expected me to be his mother/house keeper

I do have to say though about my DH and it does kind of back a point @Graphista made. I don't want to go into details but my DH had an upbringing where he needed to care of himself alot so maybe this has alot to do with him knowing exactly what's involved in running a house.

Arya

My dh was raised in a house where his mother was a sahp and did all the household chores. His dad was a full time wohp and provided all the money. His mum did everything for him but he was raised to be hardworking and respectful. And she did teach him to cook.

So completely different backgrounds.

@Fairenuff Well that's reassuring atleast!

She is massively taking the piss and has been since she refused you both working 4 days. That would be the fairest. Why should she get to work part time and you not?