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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not pursue my child’s “incredible” swimming skill

318 replies

Amibeingdaft81 · 17/05/2019 11:41

Single mum, two children. One of whom is an exceptional swimmer. From that first lesson as a baby, she has utterly loved swimming and her swimming itself is unbelievably good.

She is now almost 9. She doesn’t do regular swim lessons. I buy the odd pack of 1-2-1 lessons and she has may be one every 4/5 weeks. She swims most weekends though, with her father, but purely recreational.

Anyway, at gym yesterday the teacher who has given her the 1-2-1s left a note at front desk to call him down when I next came to the gym. The first thing he said was “your daughter is the best swimmer I have ever taught by a significant margin”. He went on to say that although premature - he thinks she could be Olympian standard. He said that by not having her in a club I am doing her a disservice.

Here’s the dilemma. I’m a single working parent with no support network whatsoever. All going fairly well atm because I work damn hard at balancing all the balls and ruthlessly organised. Both children are keen sportspersons, very keen. This daughter is also very good at dross country and attends races, along with football and athletics. We are at capacity as to what I can balance.

She loves swimming and sport generally.

AIBU if I don’t pursue swimming as well? From what I can gather it’s a sport that involves very early starts and hours of training.

OP posts:
youarenotkiddingme · 18/05/2019 09:22

My son was spotted by our local club when doing his swim school gala. There was 3 of them. I decided not to trial, 2 did. They'd only watched ds so freestyle.
A year in that club he was demoralised because it's the same sort of set up described ^ whereby unless you are regional by 12 you are pretty much written off.
He left after a year and went to another club as he loves swimming.

The interesting thing is all those boys who at 11yo were picked and developed over DS (because he can't do breast due to a disability) now swim up to 3-5 hours more a week than ds does - but he's faster than them!

It's not always about choosing to take up a sport it's about choosing the right club. You don't want one that will push them too hard at a young age and take away the enjoyment or burn them out.

If they are driven they will do what they need by themselves. They need inspiring coaches who care and celebrate all and everyone's successes and who foster their love of sport and encourage them all to succeed.

That's when you get your 14yo swimmers who suddenly appear with talent who other clubs have written off at 10/11.

Glittertwins · 18/05/2019 09:54

I'm a swim coach and what notkiddingme says is perfect sense. It's not about joining the club, it's joining a club and one that meets the needs.
All children develop at different rates and ages so a 9 yr old may be fantastic, but by the age of 11-12 is totally off the radar. I've seen it happen first hand and we were discussing this at this morning's 7am session too.
Neither Adam Peaty or Michael Phelps we're anywhere at age 9. Peaty wasn't even too in region at 14 but look where he was 6 years later.
It's the club, it's the club's ethos and coaching that makes the difference. Look up local club websites, check their training times - 9 yr olds new in do not start at 5am however also look to future training times to check they are sustainable if she enjoys it and thrives. Take her to a trial session and see what she thinks.

Orangeballon · 18/05/2019 10:08

This sport does mean early morning starts, usually 5.00am in the morning for an hour or two every week day. Can your ex take over this duty? If not it’s going to be very difficult for you. Explain this to sports teacher, there may be other help available.

Glittertwins · 18/05/2019 10:08

If I'd actually read more from earlier, I think IvyTheTerrible has given a great response and quite clearly knows her stuff

KneelJustKneel · 18/05/2019 13:49

Its also not just about the olympics/national times in my opinion. It seems v much on this thread that sport is only worth doing if youre going to be olympic/national!?

My duaghter loved swimming, was pleased to get into the club and loves training. She keeps fit, has friends, finds it kind od meditative and a good way to deal with stress. She may well not get regional times. Im not fussed....

redbedheadd · 18/05/2019 13:53

My sister was a competitive swimmer as a child. She trained for 1.5/2 hours every single evening and there were three 5am starts before school! Every weekend my parents had to trek to galas which were all over the place for her to compete. It was a huge huge commitment.

ContinuityError · 18/05/2019 14:26

Neither Adam Peaty or Michael Phelps we're anywhere at age 9.

Phelps held the US national age group record for 100m fly at aged 10 and still holds a number of the 11 yr old SC and LC age group records.

Peaty didn’t start club swimming until he was 14.

NancyJoan · 18/05/2019 14:33

Find out a bit more. When they start, it’s usually only one early morning a week, and one or two after school or on a Saturday. The mornings ramp up as they progress.

My neighbour’s son is 11, he does 3 mornings, a couple of after schools and one weekend. I’m not sure I’d do it, but if my kids were that way inclined I might.

theOtherPamAyres · 18/05/2019 15:14

My friends dedicated a significant amount of time, money and energy to their "incredibly talented" youngster. Or so the coaches had said when the child was around 9 years of age. The child also sacrificed their time and energy in the pursuit of a dream.

It turned out that the coaches had recognised that the child was 'good but not that good or special' at around the age of 11, but hadn't said anything.

My friends now believe that the child was only kept on because they helped to make up numbers for the team sessions. Now, they look back and feel like mugs what with all the travelling and their lost evenings, weekends, late nights and early mornings.

Loopytiles · 18/05/2019 15:23

“It seems v much on this thread that sport is only worth doing if youre going to be olympic/national!?”

No one is saying that. The issue is whether regular swim training at tricky times, and competitions, are manageable or a good sport option for this DC, OP and their family.

For a single parent with two DC and limited means, it’s very hard to manage and probably not a good option, especially when the DC likes a range of sports.

yabadabadontdoit · 18/05/2019 15:26

I'm shuddering at all the "tiger moms" on this thread.
If that’s aimed at all the mums who supported their dc in the dcs choice to train for a sport then that does not make us “tiger moms” that makes us supportive parents who were lucky enough to have the time, money and will to give our dc a chance to do something they love and are good at. That is not taking anything away from the many many more parents who weren’t able to do the same due to time/money/ other reasons.

youarenotkiddingme · 18/05/2019 16:41

Kneel I think of lot of people are all saying that being Olympic level isn't what should drive you to swim. And that at 9yo there isn't any way of knowing!
Many of us are saying how kids don't train all these hours we hear Olympians discuss at the ages of 9/10. And actually that doesn't always lead the road to success.
And I agree with you. Swimming helps my ds concentrate, great sensory input (he has asd) and great physio (he has a genetic neuromuscular disorder). Also great at teaching other important life skills like dedication, improvement in technique and individual work ethic as well as being part of a team.

If just seems there are quite a number of extremely competitive clubs out there that only wang children of regional and above level. When realistically that's very few swimmers. Pre 14yo regionals is about 35 swimmers Lee age group per stroke per distance. Post 14 is about 15. Nationals/home nations is 24 swimmers from whole country. Compared to the number of clubs it's an extremely small minority.

NCforthis2019 · 18/05/2019 16:44

No - I’m not british (to the poster who asked if I was) and the swimmer is not british either.

youarenotkiddingme · 18/05/2019 16:47

And believe me swim parents are not tiger moms!
You have to volunteer A LOT for their sport. I couldn't care less how my ds places but I want him to be happy with what he does.
Tomorrow I'm poolside at LC course. 12 hours poolside/at the pool stewarding all the clubs swimmers for their races, recording times and making sure everyone makes their warm up. My ds is doing 4 races! A total of 4.5 minutes swimming (2x 50m and 2x100m).
I am part if the committee and in charge of galas.
You are there for everyone's kid! Tiger moms would be there doing physio and pep talks etc.

Amibeingdaft81 · 18/05/2019 17:26

**Tomorrow I'm poolside at LC course. 12 hours poolside/at the pool stewarding all the clubs swimmers for their races, recording times and making sure everyone makes their warm up. My ds is doing 4 races! A total of 4.5 minutes swimming (2x 50m and 2x100m).
I am part if the committee and in charge of galas. **

That. Right there. My. Worst. Nightmare!

And was your son there the entire time too?

Today my daughter stirred at 8.30am, we went for a run, then she read her book for an hour, brunch, on the trampoline, did some maths (she loves it Confused ), popped to town and incorporated a coffee / hot choc, lunch, her and sibling played some awful zombie board game for an hour, hour of a film, more trampoline and now watching a film. As I walked away she said “oooh I’ve liked today”

I don’t think she nor or I would possibly be cut out for that kind of commitment!

OP posts:
Amibeingdaft81 · 18/05/2019 17:30

I had a call last night from the head coach of the club that her swim teacher wants her to join.

The coach said that they would pay all costs to support her joining.

I said it wasn’t about the money. It’s the fact that I don’t have the capacity to commit to the initial Saturday morning 7-9 and Wednesday 5-6.30 for the 9-12 group.
She said that she could arrange transportation.
I said no.

If she gets the maths scholarship, the school in question has an amazing indoor pool. She will join the school squad and rep the school. And training is 90 mins straight after school.

OP posts:
youarenotkiddingme · 18/05/2019 17:31

You get use to it! Remember my ds is 14 now and didn't start competitive swimming until 11.
I also don't have other children.
There's 15 kids swimming and 2 parents poolside. The others just come for their races.
However if your child does hit county/regional level you are looking at whole weekends like that including overnight stays unless you fancy 2 hour dive home and back again! It's only 2-3 times a year but you are right that it will eat into a weekend day or whole weekend a month - even if you aren't a parent volunteer etc.

We only have 1 tiger mom in our club. We all avoid her like then plaque 😂 other local clubs have whole tribes of them 🙈

youarenotkiddingme · 18/05/2019 17:32

And I mistyped how much he'll actually be swimming. It's 3.5 minutes!!! And cost me £26 🙈

Amibeingdaft81 · 18/05/2019 17:38

But I don’t want to get used to it.

I love my weekends with the children. We run, we chill, we swim, we mooch, we watch films, we go to summer fetes, we visit friends for longs lazy lunches, we go to the beach....

OP posts:
yabadabadontdoit · 18/05/2019 17:42

youarenot I feel your pain, I used to do poolside. I once travelled 98miles ( not that I counted) each way for a 36sec race, luckily she finaled so did it twice, though that meant an extra 6 hrs at the pool. But she couldn’t miss it because of the level it was at.

yabadabadontdoit · 18/05/2019 17:47

OP I think you’ve made the right decision. She can hopefully train and swim at her new school, she loves lots of sports and other activities, you haven’t the time, and she is young enough that if she decides it is what she wants later you can think about it again.
I think the point we’re all making is the level of commitment is huge, you get sucked in, they enjoy the training when it’s a couple of times a week, then they move up to more and next thing you know you’ve no life. It’s not easy to back out once they love it, especially if they’re getting medals etc which, at that age, is what they love.

bakebeans · 18/05/2019 17:50

Have you thought about a swimming club? It may work out a bit cheaper for you in the long run. X

Taswama · 18/05/2019 17:50

Sounds like a perfect weekend to me OP !

KneelJustKneel · 18/05/2019 18:10

Bu they arent asking you to do 12 hour days... I think it would be a shame not to do twice a week if your child wants to do it- especially if its paid for! But then thats the level we're at. We dont intend to do the crazy days unless it becomes her only passion. At the moment mine are in the swim club AND our weekends look like yours. Best of both worlds!

WhatOnPlanetEarth · 18/05/2019 18:16

My DH was a swimmer, judging by his stories I would never in a million years encourage it :/