To not pursue my child’s “incredible” swimming skill

[Amibeingdaft81]

Single mum, two children. One of whom is an exceptional swimmer. From that first lesson as a baby, she has utterly loved swimming and her swimming itself is unbelievably good.

She is now almost 9. She doesn’t do regular swim lessons. I buy the odd pack of 1-2-1 lessons and she has may be one every 4/5 weeks. She swims most weekends though, with her father, but purely recreational.

Anyway, at gym yesterday the teacher who has given her the 1-2-1s left a note at front desk to call him down when I next came to the gym. The first thing he said was “your daughter is the best swimmer I have ever taught by a significant margin”. He went on to say that although premature - he thinks she could be Olympian standard. He said that by not having her in a club I am doing her a disservice.

Here’s the dilemma. I’m a single working parent with no support network whatsoever. All going fairly well atm because I work damn hard at balancing all the balls and ruthlessly organised. Both children are keen sportspersons, very keen. This daughter is also very good at dross country and attends races, along with football and athletics. We are at capacity as to what I can balance.

She loves swimming and sport generally.

AIBU if I don’t pursue swimming as well? From what I can gather it’s a sport that involves very early starts and hours of training.

I know someone who had potential like your daughter. He pursued it and yes - his life revolves around swimming, it was hard, commitment wise. He won a gold in the last Olympics. He says it was worth it but - you have to be dedicated. Would I do it for my child? If they were that talented? Probably. I would have to make sure my other child didn’t feel neglected though. My friends brother is also a swimmer but not at Olympic level yet.

Oooh, who? @NCforthis2019

Actually, if you're British, Adam peatty was the only gold swimming medal in 2016.

A good decision OP. My DS was similar in that he was a very talented swimmer at age 9 and the city wanted him to train with them. We gave him the decision- he didn't want to give up rugby/ choir so decided against it.

He's now almost 15 and doesn't regret it. He's rugby captain, is in the National Youth choir and has plenty time for friends, the gym, football and lots of Maths ( bizarrely, ridiculously good at Maths. Is it a swimmer thing?). You need to do what's right for you all.

She is almost nine, not in a club and still having one to one lessons. At nine and not in a club she is already massively behind most kids of that age in clubs. Hundreds of kids join clubs earlier than that, and will be training regularly for one and a half hours per night, most nights. Don't get ahead of yourself here. If he said she could be olympic standard, he is massively over egging this. Of course if she wants to do this, get her in a club, then she will have to catch up with the other kids.

Ivytheterrible

Great post and very informative.

Just to give perspective from a mum who has a dd at British junior level albeit in a different sport. Training 26 hours a week (more than she is in school for!) leaving school mid morning one day a week and training 5 days out of 7 with extra Sunday training with regional squad twice a month.

Our entire life is organised around her - I have 3 other dc with their own interests who I move heaven and earth for to allow them to do - it is a military operation. I'm lucky that I am self employed so can be flexible and plan my work round their commitments. Competitions all over the country for dd and the possibility of international ones in the next couple of years. (God help me!)

Would I choose the same path if I had the choice again? Probably not but dd is 100% committed and it is all driven by her. Should she choose to leave the sport we will then have the chance to have a normal family life with holidays and days out and being brutally honest I am living for the day that happens. However as long as she wants to do it I will support and facilitate that.

My advice to any mum with a child who shows talent in a sport is to think carefully and look at what commitment is required years down the line - with dd the training started with 4 hours a week and increased as she moved through the competition levels. It does take over life and everyone in the family will need to make sacrifices along the way.

It's very easy to be seduced by the possibility of having a child who makes the Olympic grade but the chances of that actually happening is very slim - anything can happen - injury, not being able to progress past a certain point or simply puberty, hormones or the child wanting a proper social life.

For what it's worth I think you have made the right decision with the impact it would have on you and your family.

Just remember Adam Peaty was 14 when he started competitively.

Even then because his freestyle was poor he was out in with younger girls.

The drive and ambition is what's needed, as well as the bodies physique, the right type of muscles and of course good technique. But the technique but is what can be taught.
The rest can't.

@youarenotkiddingme The drive and ambition is what's needed;

yes, exactly that. no matter how good someone is at something, there has to be the drive and the drive to be the best and that only comes from within.

*Club swimmers at the age of 9 tend to do an hour twice a week.

It does become lots though as they progress through the squads and become older and better if they are good.*

youare this has been our Australian experience as well. Most DC are capable of squad by 8-9 years, children who are enthusiastic or have aptitude or like swimming will often start to swim with a squad a few days/week. By 10-11 the “good” swimmers are encouraged to do about 1/2 their age number of sessions which usually involves morning ones.

I know the OP has made up her mind but if she lived here there’d be no expectation that at 8-9 years there’d be daily training and 5am starts and massive travel and financial commitments. The good clubs aren’t pushy with the young swimmers. Especially, as has been pointed out upthread, it’s rare that early swimming champions grow to be champions as adults. Better to focus on technique and enjoyment.

Good call, OP!

I'm shuddering at all the "tiger moms" on this thread. They remind me of the parents of ice skaters at the rink my DC go to. The parents are there at 5 or 6am most days, back again in the evenings. Moaning/bragging about the thousands of pounds they spend on training, comps and equipment. None of their kids - or any UK skater - is going to be an ice champion. Much better to have a happy all-rounder than a child who sucks the energy and finances out of a family - and it's frequently to fulfil the ambitions of the parents not the dreams of the child.

Im the opposite! My daughter loves swimming and at 10 is doing 3 hours a week with the club. I find it a chore, but she loves it. Shes an older one in her group, so unlikely to make any great times. But loves going.

I dont know what we will do as she gets older. Im not keen on daily training/early mornings. But she loves it and that's what happens as you get older...

My dd swam with squad and there were only two morning sessions, Wednesday 6:00and Saturday 6:30 all the other sessions were evening

Why don’t you ask advice from coach for a squad first and approach them, obtain some information and let her try it out to see if it’s something she likes

How seriously she takes swimming doesn’t have to be decided at this stage, having the opportunity to reach another level at this point would be good life skills

I've found through experience the good swimmers at 9-10 who are swimming 4-5 hours a week very rarely stick at it. That's too much for most. And they do swim amazingly at this age when they do but they make less progress at later years 12-15 when most swimmers will make their improvements. In general terms except those who are truely exceptional it evens out in the end.

Can't remember who posted about the 10yo going to Millfield. But she sounds exceptional! My ds is only just a bit faster than that at 50m free and fly and he's a 14yo Male!

Talk about it and support available. I did a sport (a bit of a niche) at school and the school coach happened to be the B Team couch - he took an interest and I do the sport for 14 years. My parents weren’t interested and had other children to look after, I sorted my lifts /shares/ bus and I did train 6/7 days a week for 14 years and competed for England for years - there are ways and means if you want to. My parents supported as it they weren’t interested in the sport but paid for equipment, buses, trains etc and actually it was better for me to be self driven it made me more focused

You’ve made the right call OP. There is more to life. A stable, happy family is more important. This would tip the balance and few who could be Olympians actually are. Even if you knew she would ‘make it’, it would be at the expense of a normal childhood for both your children. It would be a no from me too.

I would question the level of a coach Who is teaching one to ones with rec swimmers to suggest that a 9-year-old who has done no squad training that alarm competitions is a potential Olympian is irresponsible

To suggest that a 9-year-old only receiving one-to-one rec lessons is a potential Olympian is ridiculous I would question the competitive coaching experience of this coach

I know of two people that swim well, they both have to get to the swimming pool at stupid o'clock in the morning and swim for hours daily .. it's a massive commitment .

At Dds club first they go into a squad to build up their stamina to be able to swim an hour non-stop. Then move into development squads where they can take part in galas and perfect stroke, starts and turns. These meet in the evenings she can do up to 5 1hour sessions a week and it only costs £8 a week so much cheaper than normal lessons. Then they get chosen for County development / county again these are in the evening but for 90 mins instead of 60 and from what I see are working on speed. Most of these children are Year 6+ They also have dry land training once a week. They don’t start training in the morning until in regional squad and then they are much older.

So it’s not necessarily all early mornings.

YANBU. It’s a shame, but you’re covering it all and don’t have capacity to fit in everything that’s required.

A work colleague - wealthy, married - with three adult DC mentioned his DC doing swimming and gymnastics and the negative impact on family life. He said lots of DC with talent are good enough swimmers to compete, with lots of training, travel to competitions etc. But very few get to the top. His DC learned useful things like discipline, but he said if he could go back he wouldn’t do it because of the drawbacks for them, and him and his wife.

I am going to say that you need to give her the opportunity.

Not just because of the potential Olympic dream.

Dd did a lot of after school activities based around one “career” so didn’t really have time for teenage rebellion and angst.

Comparing other teens to the teens we knew (who were at an activity for 3-4 hours each night and all day Saturday and competitions Sunday) and what other parents went through I think we had it easier than most so I would look on it as effort now to reduce effort later. IYSWIM

When you are a single parent the impact on the other child is unacceptable. They shouldn't be spending their childhood trailing round after their sibling. It makes them feel less important!

"I am going to say that you need to give her the opportunity."

She doesn't NEED to do anything of the kind.

I am a bit perplexed about this coach. Does he/she have experience of training Olympians?
My DSis was picked out by a local coach who had trained a bronze medallist, so had some kind of track record, but as far as I know they didn't achieve it again. DSis dropped out quite quickly when she realised what was involved.