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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

just been accused of exploiting my niece

144 replies

AvocadoApple · 17/05/2019 10:38

i have asked my 26 year old niece to look after my 1yr old dc (between 5pm and 6:30pm and weekends)in return for food, shelter, clothing, for herself and her 6yr old dc school needs
her mother (my aunt) has just rang me to accuse me of exploiting her DD

Ps: my aunt kicked her out about 3 years ago after she failed to find employment so she has been living different partners since then until the beginning of the year when i took her and her dc in

do i ask my niece to leave and find myself a nanny or should i tell my aunt to fuck off?

OP posts:
IAmRubbishAtDIY · 17/05/2019 10:43

How long at weekends? What hours exactly?

queeflett · 17/05/2019 10:44

well at 26 surely your neice can answer?

Pipandmum · 17/05/2019 10:45

Well I wouldn’t put it in those words but your niece is surely old enough to decide if this is fair (sounds great) or not.

MulticolourMophead · 17/05/2019 10:45

It would only be exploiting if you weren't offering much, bu you're actually offering a lot.

ManchesterBorn · 17/05/2019 10:46

Food and board, plus clothing? Sounds relatively fair, if it's only these hours.
Depending on how many hours she need to work at the weekend, she could get some pocket money I guess - just price an au-pair to compare.

Why should you ask her to leave? That's mean. If she is forever with a threat above her head, she should use her free time during the day to find a job, then earn enough money to find her own place. In the meantime, as long as you don't treat her like your slave, that's not bad.

Purplegecko · 17/05/2019 10:46

I personally don't think that's unfair or exploitative at all. I sofa surfed for a while and staying somewhere almost always had conditions, washing their cars, doing the housework, helping take inventory at their shop. It sounds like she needs to get back on her feet and this very well could be what she needs to do so.
Imo, if your aunt has kicked her out I don't feel she gets much say in the matter. Does cousin feel like this is exploiting her? Is she okay with the arrangement? Where would she go if you suddenly asked her to leave?

Purplegecko · 17/05/2019 10:47

Oh sorry, niece not cousin

Hearhere · 17/05/2019 10:47

Her real complaint is that you have blocked the niece from exploiting you!

Original poster
AvocadoApple · 17/05/2019 10:47

queeflett

well at 26 surely your neice can answer?

i have not told her as yet and is NC with her mother

OP posts:
Icandothisallday · 17/05/2019 10:48

Well it depends.

If it's alit of hours and everything is provided by you, but she has no choices it may feel like exploitation.

When you say clothing and her ds school needs how does that work?

Original poster
AvocadoApple · 17/05/2019 10:49

IAmRubbishAtDIY

How long at weekends? What hours exactly?

5pm-6:30pm week days and weekends when i am working

OP posts:
Hearhere · 17/05/2019 10:49

Your aunt feels that her daughter should be treated like a golden child who gets whatever she wants, auntie doesn't want to do this work herself, she's too important but she wants other people, the minions, to treat her child like a princess

Horsemenoftheaclopalypse · 17/05/2019 10:49

I think whatever you do definitely tell the aunt to fuck off...

Given you are family if you get on well this sounds like a good arrangement if it works for you and your niece and everyone gets something out of it.
I am assuming it’s not all weekend though...

HopefullyAnonymous · 17/05/2019 10:50

Is it going to leave her without any access to actual money though?

sleepwhenidie · 17/05/2019 10:51

It sounds like a very reasonable arrangement from what you say. An au pair would get food, shelter and pocket money for similar child care duties, your niece is getting food and accommodation for her DC, plus clothes?! Hardly slave labour! Alternative would be to pay her the going rate for babysitting and then charge for rent, let her cover food etc for herself and DC. It sounds pretty clear how the balance would fall then?

I also don't think aunt has a leg to stand on wrt defending her DD anyway, having kicked her out herself. Maybe suggest she takes them back?

Icandothisallday · 17/05/2019 10:51

But how long and often is this at weekends?

Also does everything have to come through you. Do you decide what clothing she needs or decide her ds needs.

I can see a situation that is coukd be exploitation. And where it's not.

Why are you jumping to kicking her out?

Mintandthyme · 17/05/2019 10:51

Why not pay her and let her buy her own clothes and food maybe?
How much are you spending on clothes and food for her at the moment?
And how much childcare is she doing at the weekend?

TheInebriati · 17/05/2019 10:51

So thats under 2 hours every evening plus weekends in return for board, lodging and clothing?
That sounds ok - but I think your Aunt also has a good point, your niece needs to look for a job.

Ellisandra · 17/05/2019 10:52

Is there a reason that you didn’t answer the question about weekends properly?

“Weekends when I’m working” - is that 4 hours on a Sat once a month, or 2x13 hour shifts plus commute every single weekend?!

Original poster
AvocadoApple · 17/05/2019 10:54

ManchesterBorn

Food and board, plus clothing? Sounds relatively fair, if it's only these hours.

= my dc is at creche during the day 7:30 to 5pm mon-fri

Depending on how many hours she need to work at the weekend, she could get some pocket money I guess - just price an au-pair to compare. = weekends are slow days for domestic work in my country

Why should you ask her to leave? That's mean. If she is forever with a threat above her head, she should use her free time during the day to find a job, then earn enough money to find her own place. In the meantime, as long as you don't treat her like your slave, that's not bad. = if were treating her like a slave she would have left like she did many times she has been in and out of BF places

OP posts:
Barbie222 · 17/05/2019 10:55

Pedantic and unhelpful, but how can she be your niece if her mother is your aunt? There's a generation missing.

I think I'd have asked for either after school or the weekend, not both. That's what I'd have agreed to at that age.

ThatCurlyGirl · 17/05/2019 10:56

Life is about give and take, you're helping your DN learn this and sounds like you're also offering a safe environment she was lacking before.

Sounds like a mutually beneficial situation to me.

Her mum's opinion is irrelevant anyway, DN is 26, a mother and should be pleased she has a safe place to stay.

diddl · 17/05/2019 10:56

How is it your neice your Aunt's daughter?

If your neice is nc with her mum, why would you tell her?

So she works one and a half hrs every weekday and 2 full weekend days?

What does she do for money?

MyFamilyAndOtherAnimals1 · 17/05/2019 10:56

How can your niece's mother be your aunt? Confused

Ellisandra · 17/05/2019 10:57

I would actually be a little concerned about the offer long term, actually. That 17:00-18:30 every week day could make it pretty hard for your niece to get a job. Just 7.5 hours from you, but it’s over 5 days and messes with a lot of shifts. So whilst I wouldn’t say you were exploiting her pound for pound on benefit vs hours, if I were her friend I’d be urging her to consider how good a choice it is for her future. Especially if she’d rather work full time but if feeling guilty about being in your home and feels she can’t say no. Short term, great for all. Long term, you could be doing her a disservice.