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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

just been accused of exploiting my niece

144 replies

AvocadoApple · 17/05/2019 10:38

i have asked my 26 year old niece to look after my 1yr old dc (between 5pm and 6:30pm and weekends)in return for food, shelter, clothing, for herself and her 6yr old dc school needs
her mother (my aunt) has just rang me to accuse me of exploiting her DD

Ps: my aunt kicked her out about 3 years ago after she failed to find employment so she has been living different partners since then until the beginning of the year when i took her and her dc in

do i ask my niece to leave and find myself a nanny or should i tell my aunt to fuck off?

OP posts:

StormTreader · 17/05/2019 11:12

"If niece is NC with her mother, how does her mother know what the terms of niece lodging with you are?"

This.

Merchant · 17/05/2019 11:15

You could give her a small monthly stipend so that she has some available cash? Look at what people do who have live in au pairs from overseas. Similar set-up to you. I don’t think you’re exploiting her at all and anyway it’s none of your aunts business because your niece is an adult and can make her own mind up

Original poster

AvocadoApple · 17/05/2019 11:17

Maybe offer her the money so she can spend as she pleases instead of you buying uniform, school stuff, etc. Unless she's bad at managing it and you are protecting her daughter?

i dont trust her to use the money as yet, i have given myself until the end of the year to see how responsible she is then i would give her hard cash to do as she wishes

OP posts:

Hotterthanahotthing · 17/05/2019 11:17

This young woman has be moving between boyfriends with her 6 year old,how an offer of a stable home for them both worse than this.
She can still get a job but that may be tricky with a child of her own.
And this is not in the UK.
As OP says her niece will leave if it isn't working but some stability for her and her child has to be good.

Purplegecko · 17/05/2019 11:18

Yes op on further reading I would give her some money for the weekends she has your children, give her some independence. She sounds like she's in a bind. I don't think it's unfair what you're doing as I said but that would probably make the situation easier. Again though the only person who gets to have an opinion on this is the niece.

onalongsabbatical · 17/05/2019 11:19

So the woman you originally called your aunt is actually your sister OP? That's a weird mistake to make.

Ellisandra · 17/05/2019 11:21

She is 26 and you are not going to give her ‘hard cash’ because you don’t trust her?!
And you want to wait over 7 months of treating her like a child before you decide to give her cash?!!!!

Yes, you’re exploiting her!

Work out the clothing budget that is included in her remuneration and then pay her.

Fucking hell, my 10yo is allowed to have pocket money and decide how she spends it!

The more you add, the more I think you’re taking advantage of her.

CustardySergeant · 17/05/2019 11:21

Now that you've clarified that she is your sister's elder daughter I don't understand how you could have accidentally been referring to your sister as your aunt in previous posts. Surely no one mixes those terms up.

Ellisandra · 17/05/2019 11:23

And do please explain why she only has to mind your 1yo until 18:30 when you work until 19:00?

TheGlaikitRambler · 17/05/2019 11:23

Yes, you are exploiting her.

multiplemum3 · 17/05/2019 11:24

You don't trust her enough to give her money but trust her with your child? Yeah you're taking the piss.

Teddybear45 · 17/05/2019 11:25

Be careful. If you don’t pay her it’s really easy for her to complain that you are using her as a slave. I have worked with women before (described as ‘neices’ but similarly extended family) who have been exploited in this way. You say she can’t be trusted with money — why? Is it to do with drugs or drink? If so how on earth can she he suitable as a childcare provider?

Original poster

AvocadoApple · 17/05/2019 11:25

i am not in the uk and moonlighting is quite common for nurses in africa to make extra money.

i work during the weekend depending on how much money i need

OP posts:

Teddybear45 · 17/05/2019 11:26

The Modern slavery act is very clear. Yes she is a slave by your description.

FannyWork · 17/05/2019 11:26

So when do you actually see your child? She’s at crèche 7:30-5pm then with your niece until 6:30 and must be ready for bed after that then with her all weekend too? Sounds like you barely see her.

Original poster

AvocadoApple · 17/05/2019 11:27

am i being called a troll because i brought a problem to most people who would not understand its dynamics? what is it that sounds off about this?

OP posts:

UnicornBrexit · 17/05/2019 11:29

Another 3 pager and the boom-drop - not in the UK and expecting people to comment with UK legislation. This does annoy me no end.

Yes OP you are explitative, it is modern day slavery and Im sure it's all ticketty boo in your culture. So why ask us, where it is illegal, if you are wrong ?

ThatCurlyGirl · 17/05/2019 11:29

Because

her mother (my aunt) has just rang me to accuse me of exploiting her DD

Then

its my niece (my sister's elder daughter)

Your sister isn't your aunt so people are confused you've called her both.

Original poster

AvocadoApple · 17/05/2019 11:31

Janus

I think you should be able to get a vibe from niece whether she’s happy with the arrangement or not. You could sit down and ask her if it’s still working out for her.

= she has expressed an interest to finish high school, which will only be possible next year (we dont have mid year intakes in my town) she told me that she is happy here with me and the support im offering her

OP posts:

Teddybear45 · 17/05/2019 11:31

I don’t know a single African country where Modern Slavery isn’t taken seriously. Some countries’ police forces will even be able to obtain identifying information from Internet Service providers to help imprison suspected slavers.

Original poster

AvocadoApple · 17/05/2019 11:32

ThatCurlyGirl

Because

her mother (my aunt) has just rang me to accuse me of exploiting her DD

Then

its my niece (my sister's elder daughter)

Your sister isn't your aunt so people are confused you've called her both.

but ive since clarified this

OP posts:

ThatCurlyGirl · 17/05/2019 11:32

High school at 26? I'm so confused!

PoorRichard · 17/05/2019 11:32

I think this situation is ripe for misunderstanding and exploitation -- and as a pp said, if you don't trust her with money, how can you even contemplate having her look after your small baby?

MyKingdomForBrie · 17/05/2019 11:33

Taking advantage?!? 7.5 hours work for food board and clothes for two?! What planet are some of you on.

Drum2018 · 17/05/2019 11:33

So you spoke to your sister (who is not your aunt ) about this arrangement before asking your niece? Why mention it to her when she is NC with your niece? It has nothing to do with her. Speak to your niece and let her decide what she wants to do.

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