AIBU to get my 14 year old on the Pill.

[Campervanlife4me]

She has had a boyfriend for 6 months now and is a little bit irresponsible at times. She's lovely and kind but just doesn't always think things through. She asked me if she could go on the pill because of her periods. I talked to her about it and about being too young to have sex and everything else that comes with it, but then as I thought about it later, I thought that maybe it would be more sensible for her to be on the pill than end up having an unwanted pregnancy. I can't be with her all the time to make sure she doesn't do anything stupid, so would I be unreasonable to agree to letting her go on the pill to be safe?

@gingertesco

Your comment about “men around this age aren’t ready to provide a positive experience” - are you for real? The majority of men in their 20’s, 30’s, 40’s and 50’s+ still aren’t ready or able to provide a positive sexual and emotional experience, so that’s completely null. And if you keep furthering this concept of virginity as a special little gift for men, you are commodifying women and girls.

You are contributing to the narrative that sex and virginity are currency to buy the affection and regard of men, and not at all about women and girls themselves enjoying pleasure on their terms. I absolutely agree with your comments about normalising the use of sex toys and masturbation in young people as a means of self discovery, but your argument is going in two different incongruent directions.

I absolutely do not think that having having sex at 14 is anywhere near ideal. But there is an ideal world and a real world, and in the real world, some 14 year olds are having sex, those 14 year olds need to be spoken to about preventing pregnancy and STI’s.

TLDR; you’re a massive patriarchal collaborator.

@WeepingWillowWeepingWino @StarlightLady ok so the alternative is normalising under age sex. I don't slut shame 14 years olds I pity them for their lack of parental support, they're not sluts they're abused children.

As for this I had sex at 14 and it done me no harm. Come off it! I had sex at 14 and had many friends who did as well. I wish I had waited but I never had the life skills or self esteem required to cope emotionally with sex.

I also know a few girls that graduated into teenage prostitution from their casual sex as a child. Not to mention all of them except for myself ended up having abortions. They might say they were fine. I think it's was a burden they could have done without. All came from households where either they lack parental guidance, were sexually abused or their mother were twats who want to be cool.

I work in the beauty profession and I can tell you, you get mothers taking their 14 year olds in for Hollywood. Sexualising children is not cool. I'm not slut shaming I'm bad parents shaming!

If your daughter is mature enough to come and tell you she needs to go on the pill then I think you should listen to her. And you must have a lovely relationship.
At the end of the day she could just go to a family planning center without you and get it anyway.
When my dd started to show a interest in boys we had a chat that if she thought she was old enough to be having sex then she was old enough to think about contraception.

I had sex at 14

So you had a lack of parental support and bad parents?

If we’re doing anecdotes, my parents dealt with sex exactly as I am. “Be ready, be safe, talk to us”.

I didn’t have sex until I was 19.

@JacquesHammer absolutely they were hopeless parents and that's being generous!

@QueenofPain No I just don't believe children should remain virgins until they are of an age to make an informed decision. This is not just woman I would encourage to remain virgins but boys too. I don't want my son having sex young, for exactly the same reasons. I want him to focus on his studies.

That do not don't!

Teenagers do have sex, especially those in a committed relationship - not all of them but a lot of them. It's not ideal, but it happens.

I think it is a credit to her that she is taking her health and her future seriously enough to ask about going on the pill.

I think it is a credit and your relationship and parenting that she feels confident enough to talk to you about it.

An excellent opportunity to have a heartfelt talk to her about sex, emotions, respect & consent and also remind her you are always there to support her during any confusing times and heartbreak. She is a credit to you OP.

Everybody, PLEASE, because some parents had different standards to your own, or thought this sexist virginity business (bracelets etc) is a load of nonsense, do not disrespect them on a public forum.

@StarlightLady my intention is not to disrespect other parents but for them to stop and think about the long term consequences. Perhaps OP DD is testing the water and rather than taking her to get the pill perhaps is looking for some parental guidance and rules as she may feel pressured into having sex. Adult can say " oh yes you must ready" but it takes a good few years to comprehend this and the long term consequences. Your job as a parent is to take the stress of her having sex and perhaps say wait just a little longer and please don't be manipulated or be impulsive and ideally wait until you really understand yourself and have the confidence to deal with male advances. You know sometimes teenagers are looking for us to be strong committed parents not their pal that will go along with any old rubbish

The fact still remains that it is illegal. By all means have the ‘we are here, be safe’ conversation, but we can’t lose sight of the fact it is illegal.
We can’t lose sight of the fact they are much more at risk from unwanted pregnancies even with contraception, STDs, HIV and being hurt/embarrassed/ out of their depth.

So why would want to encourage this at such a young age is just utterly beyond me. Where is the upside given all the negatives?

starlight you seem so eager to defend your own teenage decisions, without considering that not everyone comes through their first sexual experiences unscathed. You at not acknowledging the huge stress and upset of an abortion at 14 on a child, or the embarrassment of going to the GP with herpes. Nor touching on the hideous or painful sex a teen may have been pushed into, because she hasn’t got the confidence or ability to say no. You forget the world isn’t full of considerate loving men eager to look after teens.

The following will not stop 14 year olds from having sex:

The fact that it's illegal
Parents disapproval
Being too young to make an objective decision
Lack of birth control

They are doing it anyway (not all of them but lots of them are) teenagers are a nightmare, they feel invincible. On the whole, an open minded approach to parenting teens is more effective.

dizzy there is a world of difference between providing an open and calm atmosphere of support at home, and knowing sex may happen at this age, and actively encouraging them, and failing to draw attention to the considerable downsides.

Surely we as parents, offer balanced debates with our teens, and give them all the information. Not just whip them down to the GP with the assumption that they will be sexually active at 14.

We owe it to them to show teens a different way. The value of their bodies, the value of considering who they are inviting into their lives. The care and attention needed to be sexually active, and the dangers and risks. Encouraging the teen to consider the risks. Discussing with them whether they feel emotionally ready for what is to come?

I do wish my parents had done this!

Teens need more than just the basics, and the pill. Had I been armed with proper in depth information, had I assessed the risks to me and my well being. Even stopped to consider where it leads - it would prevented a great deal of harm and heart ache at a very tender and vulnerable age.

Many posts on here simply advocate types of contraception without stopping to think whether it is advisable to be embarking on a sexual relationship at all as a child. It is a given already. Sad but true.

I don't know a single woman or teen who only decided to have sex just because they started using contraception. Either you want to have sex, or you don't. Only after that decision do you think about contraception.

To start quoting UK law on the world wide web, when the legislation varies across Europe (I was brought up in France) is a bit of a red herring to be honest. The legislation is mainly there to prevent adults taking advantage of vulnerable teenagers. The chances of criminal action being taken against 2 consenting 14 or 15 year olds is negligable.

I was sexually active as a teen, but I was no wild child, l was also a bit of a bookworm, and l did not do drugs, play truant or smoke. But l’m not ashamed to say l enjoyed what felt nice. Neither was l taken advantage of.

There is no blanket rule here. Surely the issue is what is best for the individual teenager. It can vary and parents need to support accordingly. Bringing virginity into the equation is so off the mark and straight out the man-dictionary.

We need to encourage teenage girls to become strong body positive women who are not taken advantage of, but likewise don’t see sex as something you give to someone or something they fell pressurised into doing. Likewise they should not be told it is wrong.

star you seem to like talking about yourself a lot, but you are not considering other views and experiences that do not match yours. Your credentials as a 'good' or 'bad' girl are totally irrelevant in 2019.

As op is posting from the UK, the law here is relevant and important. Yes a sixteen year old boy (or older) can certainly be charged. In some situations he can also be charged if he is younger. You have no idea what you are talking about, and dismiss it as unimportant.

You would not agree if your child ended up on the sex offenders register for life.

Teen girls are strong and are bold, and they can decide for themselves what is right for them, ARMED with the knowledge of all the facts and the risks and the downsides.

The law on consent in England and Wales (from FPA website)

But how do we know "lots of 14 year olds" are having sex? (Dizzy?)

@callmeadoctor I think a great deal of 14 years olds are having sex. This is due to appalling parenting that these girls can slip into sex so young. Look at a sex abused kids in Rotherham they were as young as 12, These are the deprived ones. Then add into the mix the kids from dysfunctional homes or the silly preaching lefty parents trying to be cool with no REAL understanding what it's like to be taken advantage of. Brewing up a nice dose of depression. If you don't parent properly to avoid underage sex you're really taking the choice away from them when they're mature enough to make an informed choice.

It's very easy for young girls to be taken advantage of and they can be eager to please. The relationship is unlikely to go the distance either. As I said earlier I've met these stupid pathetic parents before trying to be cool getting them on the pills.

If a child is that mature they are perfectly capable of getting down the family planning centre at 14 like myself. Where you meet doctors who tell you how grown up and sensible your being. The truth is I actually didn't know how to say no and mean it. I didn't know how to put my needs first, not many 14 year old girls can. Giving in to sexual pressure was easier. By the age of 16 I was more assertive by 18 ready to make an informed choice.

My parents should have been more supportive and I even feel my mothers more frigid views made her think if you're having sex young you're just promiscuous and are choosing to. If I had waited until 16 I would have then had the life skills and waited a few more years and my life would have been very different emotionally.

My point is that whilst anybody can say that "lots of 14 years olds" are having sex, where are the figures and evidence to back up this statement? I suspect that it is a very tiny percentage indeed. Maybe somebody will know the figures?

@callmeadoctor

I have teens and friends with teens (and also nieces and nephews the same age), I am shocked by how many stories I've heard and how many of my DD's friends have told her they've been having sex since 14 (most shockingly is it's mostly unprotected because they are too embarrassed to get birth control and cannot talk to their parents)

I doubt there's accurate official figures unless we look at teen pregnancy?

For those posters saying it's shocking how girls slip into sex at such a young age...it's the boys too at the same tender young age. Girls are very often the ones instigating it, and can be quite sexually aggressive. (Sadly I feel driven by poor self esteem, a need to be accepted, wanting attention)

All I know is how to protect my DD, with plenty of frank and open discussions, so far (she's 16) she hasn't felt ready yet but she knows when she is I'll help her protect herself.

It really scares me but I've realised that underage sex is happening regardless of the rules we lay down.

Ha Ha, you've heard stories!!OK!!!!!! I have a 16 year old , not heard of any of her friends doing the deed, therefore they can't have possibly coz I must believe them all!

Seriously though, I think we have to consider the possibility of kids not exactly telling the whole truth.

Condoms. Always use a condom. Alison Gertz' mother put her on the pill in my in 1980s, she caught hiv+ from a one night stand Just once.

Firstly I think the fact that she come to you and asked
(which tells me she respect's you)
The way my mum said to at 14/15.
She wasn't saying I was or even want to have sex. But most of the time it happens unexpectedly so she took me to the doctors went in with me and then said my daughter wants the pill I'm fine with it.
And left the rest of to me and the doctor.
So now that's what I have done and will a again. Xxxxx