To not want DH to go?

[pinotghelp]

DH and I are saving for a new family home, I've taken on the majority of the pressure with saving and we are both reducing our social lives.

DH got a text earlier in the week to a WhatsApp group saying "I know it's short notice but if anyone is around at 6 on Friday (tomorrow) I'm having some birthday drinks". This was sent to everyone at the school that DH works at. DH and this person are friends but still colleagues mostly. DH acted as if he wasn't going and I got a final interview for a job I'm going for that would help us massively and said AGAIN this morning about how I'll be finished the same time he is so we can do something.

Today he went "but I'm going to Teacher's birthday". This threw me as he finishes at 330pm and it's a drive from our home to this place so at the very least he'd have to come home first. I said "well can I come then" and he said "no I don't want you there".

This has annoyed me as I always introduce him to my colleagues. He is naturally invited. These drinks allow for partners and the message is a laid back one. When I threw a surprise party for DH earlier this year and invited this colleague the first thing he said is "can DP come?" I said yes, of course. He ended up cancelling 5 minutes before the surprise...!

Now I'm mad. DH just doesn't want me there but with no good reason. Every Friday he has a drink after work with these people so he has his own time enough. I don't get to meet them then. I've met these people on one occasion before but I'm almost kept from getting to know them. I'm not invited on any of the nights out etc.

I can't make plans of my own that night as all friends are busy or usually I would. I was looking forward to spending the time together and now feel disappointed. We haven't even had a meal out for months because of the saving but the amount he'll spend on drinks would have easily covered a little "date night"

Advice? Help me get over myself please :(

I think I’d be tempted to do one of two things.

1. Go, but go a bit later and don’t tell him you’re planning to. Hover a bit on the sidelines and see what you can see.

1. Re his FaceTime: tell him you’re not going if you’re not welcome, but not to come home afterwards because you don’t want him there.

Your DH sounds like a.class A dick! All the posters on here going on like they wouldn’t care an inch are up themselves and err.. lying! He is hiding something, plain as day. You are NOT clingy and NOT over reacting. People need to read the whole thread before they comment 🤣🤣

When my ex said this sort of thing, it was because he was actually going somewhere else. I gradually built up a picture of what was going on but it took me 4 years after 20 years of marriage

I wouldn't want DH to come to most work events, or birthday dos for work colleagues, etc. Nothing untoward about that in my opinion.

I don't really know why you'd want to go if it wasn't one DP wanted you along for. Get a bottle of wine and a good book/Netflix session on and enjoy the peaceful evening.

This sounds like my ex boyfriend - didn't like me mixing with his friends and tried to keep us separate. Complained when I tried to talk to him in front of his friends when we were together. Doesn't sound like he respects you or sees you as an equal!

OP don't go to the drinks.

How awkward would you feel wandering in after spending a ball ache to get there, knowing your husband doesn't want you there. It looks like you want to go just to keep an eye on him (and it sounds that's the reason why)

I'm not saying your being unreasonable or not, I personally don't care if your reason is to keep an eye on him- that's your prerogative. FWIW, if DH told me he didn't want me at drinks for what ever reason- works do, just wants to chill with friends etc, I'd use it as a night to relax all on my own.

I sometimes don't want DH coming out and socialising with me, I am a teacher too, and DH has met them a handful of occasions. We spend a lot of the time talking about work stuff and venting so DH would get so bored, plus some times its nice just to vent without husband there.

I have never flirted with anyone in my workplace, we have a laugh together and luckily we all get along so well in a big department, but there has never been anything untoward happen. I think people are taking a huge leap jumping to the conclusion that he must be flirting or cheating just because he wants to have a drink alone with his mates. How utterly ridiculous

His comment was flippant, rude and uncalled for. However, him wanting to go for drinks and not inviting you, even if colleague said open to everyone, is totally fine.

Don't embarrass yourself OP, as PP said, get a bottle of wine and enjoy the free evening.

Your marriage doesnt sound equal your busting a gut hes going out fridays and spending it

Sorry cant remember if you said how long youve been together

Having read your updates since I last posted, I feel it’s time to wheel out a phrase i learned here on Mumsnet -
“Off you fuck, cunty chops”
Seriously, the FaceTime was childish, manipulative and just plain nasty! It was worse than the original “I don’t want you there” IMO because it was obviously pre-mediated and deliberately trying to hurt you.

If this relationship isn’t dead, it’s dying. You know better than us lot whether there is wider context for his cuntiness and whether the relationship is worth reviving

So do you regularly make time to go out (even if its a free thing) together alone and have a great time?

He sounds like an absolute wanker OP. You deserve so much better this this.

Also to everyone calling the OP controlling and not even bothering to RTFT or at the very least just the OP's posts, you're a wanker too.

but not to come home afterwards because you don’t want him there.

I'd well be doing this!

He doesn't sound like he's very nice to you. Did you ask outright why he "dosent want you there"? You deserve better.

Hello all, here to update:

So you can guess we are already on our way home. I was there for a bit. He was nasty before but the people there enjoyed my conversation because they had someone new to tell all their stories to.
Afterwards DH tried to make out that he didn't mind me coming as long as he didn't have to come out to get me (I got there on my own fine).
He made us leave before the main part started which seems purposeful but also felt like a natural break.

I had a nice time, DH did too but he will be mean regardless.

Also - interview was horrific, so needed some support which I didn't get :(

A birthday party that ended at 6pm? I’m confused! Sounds like you were spirited away before the actual event began.

I suspect he is keeping you away from someone: "he made us leave before the main part started". Please be vigilant and start making plans for your financial independence. For someone so keen to go out without you, why would he "make" you leave before the main part of the night. Sorry about your interview. Maybe take some time to collect your thoughts, ease the pressure on yourself to earn, make sure he can't access your savings, think about what YOU want and go for it. He is having the life HE wants at your financial and emotional expense. He is hiding something or someone. I hope you get to the bottom of it and I wish you well.

So you just went and gate crashed his colleagues event, you must have the skin of a rhino. I'd hate if my partner did this, insisted in coming with me like this.

If this was a man posting the responses would be ltb he's a controlling arse.

Hmmm well with the leaving before 6pm - the guy posted that he would be going for drinks before but then we left when they also left to get ready for the night out bit. Turns out the birthday boy said it would begin at 6 but he would need to leave at 8...
He could be hiding something but equally I feel like he may just not want me there rather than hiding something. These guys know him best and there didn't seem to be any secrets.

I will remain vigilante!

@Bluntness100 do you just not read? Is it just that you can't be bothered? The mind boggles.

It just seems so unnecessary and unnatural.

Why would you want to go there after an interview? If I was you, I would have taken myself home got myself some tea and if DP came round later great. It seems so odd that you went.

There is nothing wrong with partners wanting a night off from one another, even if the other doesn't want it. I speak from experience. I suffer from anxiety and its draining for the partner. When you say you need support it comes across as an obligation rather than genuine desire to see you. This will leave him feeling backed into a corner and you resenting yourself and him

You say you're stressed, could it be that dp wanted a night off from that?

Also, you say this is your 10th interview, that sounds like a hefty amount of support you're continually expecting off your DP.

Putting in 90% of a deposit is absurd and speaks volumes of his comittment along with his lads holiday.

At best you're incompatible (you're in need of reassurance and support and he doesn't give it) and at worst he's got a lot to gain financially from this relationship without having to put much into it, as you don't demand it

Yes op, you're right, that's the real mind boggling thing here, my reading comprehension. Not your behaviour. Yup. You got it.

@pinotghelp ignore posters like Bluntness100 and others who come on here purely to provoke.

This is about comprehending a situation in which a husband says to a wife "I don't want you there" and in which the wife, being the higher earner with potential to earn even more, is sacrificing her social life and putting away 90% towards a new house in preparation for a family, while hubbie puts in 10% and goes out every Friday and off on jollies with the lads.

This is about a man who treats his partner with utter disdain and the one time she challenges him about including her, he gets nasty. When she asserts herself and makes sure she is included, where other partners are included, he abruptly ends the night out at 6 pm and all the provocative, low empathy low comprehension posters call her controlling.

OP you are a marvellous woman, a role model partner. You deserve an equal who would be proud to show you off amongst his friends, not this nasty knobhead who is taking you for a ride and letting you work your butt off while he has the life he chooses with minimal input from you. LTB and have a bright future.

@SummerWhisper 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

Bloody hell - what a shit way to live

I’m with bluntness

And me. The smugness exuded in the update is just awful.

He could be hiding something but equally I feel like he may just not want me there rather than hiding something.

It’s lose lose either way.