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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not want DH to go?

201 replies

pinotghelp · 16/05/2019 07:28

DH and I are saving for a new family home, I've taken on the majority of the pressure with saving and we are both reducing our social lives.

DH got a text earlier in the week to a WhatsApp group saying "I know it's short notice but if anyone is around at 6 on Friday (tomorrow) I'm having some birthday drinks". This was sent to everyone at the school that DH works at. DH and this person are friends but still colleagues mostly. DH acted as if he wasn't going and I got a final interview for a job I'm going for that would help us massively and said AGAIN this morning about how I'll be finished the same time he is so we can do something.

Today he went "but I'm going to Teacher's birthday". This threw me as he finishes at 330pm and it's a drive from our home to this place so at the very least he'd have to come home first. I said "well can I come then" and he said "no I don't want you there".

This has annoyed me as I always introduce him to my colleagues. He is naturally invited. These drinks allow for partners and the message is a laid back one. When I threw a surprise party for DH earlier this year and invited this colleague the first thing he said is "can DP come?" I said yes, of course. He ended up cancelling 5 minutes before the surprise...!

Now I'm mad. DH just doesn't want me there but with no good reason. Every Friday he has a drink after work with these people so he has his own time enough. I don't get to meet them then. I've met these people on one occasion before but I'm almost kept from getting to know them. I'm not invited on any of the nights out etc.

I can't make plans of my own that night as all friends are busy or usually I would. I was looking forward to spending the time together and now feel disappointed. We haven't even had a meal out for months because of the saving but the amount he'll spend on drinks would have easily covered a little "date night"

Advice? Help me get over myself please :(

OP posts:
PotatoesDieInHotCars · 16/05/2019 11:32

Could your stress be stressing him out too? Maybe he just wants one night away from it all.

EKGEMS · 16/05/2019 11:36

I don't think you are full on or hard work OP there's plenty of bitchieness in this thread. Your husband has been hire insensitive to you especially the eye rolling. Don't know why some previous posters aren't acknowledging anxiety as a true mental health issue as depression for example.

Tunnockswafer · 16/05/2019 11:43

Was the “watch yourself” comment connected to your dh or to the trainee?
If the later it wouldn’t bother me (you’d no interest in the trainee) but if it was a warning re your dh I’d be taking that pretty seriously.

user1471590586 · 16/05/2019 11:52

People haven't been very fair on this thread. They are focusing on the night out without reading about the bits where he isn't willing to spend money on a meal out for the two of them. Or give the OP any support after an interview. He sounds like the controlling one, dictating where the money gets spent.

timeisnotaline · 16/05/2019 11:53

If you aren’t married you should consider dividing ownership of the house so he has 10% and you 90% or ring fencing your deposit. It’s a rude way to speak to someone. What do you think he would say if you said I’ve been thinking and I don’t know if I want to step up at work right now, it’s busy enough? Would he be all your call, only take it on if you think you can, or would he be but we need you to so we can buy our house?

TatianaLarina · 16/05/2019 11:57

He won’t spend £20 on a meal but he’s happy to go off on a lads’ holiday.

outvoid · 16/05/2019 12:01

I’m a teacher and spouses/partners very rarely attend get togethers unless they are also teachers. I haven’t taken my DP along to any and I don’t think he’s ever questioned why. We do have a lot of ‘in jokes’ only fellow teachers would understand, I think it affects the dynamics when partners are there too.

Having said this, you mentioned this isn’t a ‘teacher only’ occasion and various people will be there to celebrate this guys birthday including other people’s partners. With that in mind, I would be a little suspicious of your DH’s intentions if it were me. Is there someone there he doesn’t want you to meet?

U2HasTheEdge · 16/05/2019 12:08

don't think you are full on or hard work OP there's plenty of bitchieness in this thread.

Lots of people aren't very good at reading between the lines it seems. They pick out one part of the post and focus on that, and not the other stuff that is going on.

IronManisnotDead · 16/05/2019 12:18

OP just stop, every post drip drip drip. God even I am irritated at you, grow up Hmm

Original poster
pinotghelp · 16/05/2019 12:18

The watch yourself comment stuck with me. It was 18 months ago now. The girl said it to me as I said goodbye to her. I don't know if it meant "get home safe" or if it was "somethings going on you don't know about"

I pondered over it a while. Wasn't sure it mattered for me to go on about it and left it.

Update: DP FaceTimed me during a free period (rarely does this) and said "if you want to come, come. I don't care. But I'm not picking you up or helping you get here. If you want to pay for a taxi from the station then fine".
This felt purposefully to stop me being able to come mostly because the way he's saying he will go (finish school, few drinks in the pub, then to the event at 6) is lost on me as he is driving home (30-40 min drive in traffic) so could only have 2 drinks maximum. He said he only plans on it. I thought he'd at least drive home, then get public transport. God I feel weird now!

OP posts:
BarrenFieldofFucks · 16/05/2019 12:22

He sounds like an arsehole.

Hollowvictory · 16/05/2019 12:22

I agree with your dh. Why can't he go out for a drink without you ffs?
You and he gp out another night.

Waveysnail · 16/05/2019 12:23

Your making a mountain out of a mole hill. Stop huffing and go and do something yourself.

HeckyPeck · 16/05/2019 12:23

I couldn't ask him if he wanted to go out as we aren't spending money (him that stops us- I think spending £20 on a meal is fine but he says no so we stay in). So I asked him to do something which he knows means watching a film/spending time together - that's my dialect.

So you guys never go out together because he says you can’t aftord it, but he can afford to pay for nights out and lads holidays away?

Meanwhile you’ve saved up 90% of the house deposit and him a measly 10%?

He’s taking the piss OP and the ways he speaks to you is unkind.

Do you really want to saddle yourself with a man like this? One who has money to enjoy himself, but none for couple activities and none for joint expenses.. selfish.

If you do buy with him (I certainly wouldn’t) then make sure you protect your deposit and your equity if your pay more of the mortgage.

HeckyPeck · 16/05/2019 12:24

I agree with your dh. Why can't he go out for a drink without you ffs. You and he gp out another night.

That would be find if it weren’t for he fact that he always says they can’t afford to go out together.

PlinkPlink · 16/05/2019 12:28

Yeah I'm with DH too.

When I was a teacher, it was great just having time away to bond with my workmates outside of work.

When I did take ex to a Christmas party I felt hugely responsible to make sure he was okay and socialising alright. A bit like babysitting 🙄

A good partnership allows each other to grow outside of the relationship. Don't take it to heart and don't invite him to your own work socials again. Then if he gets the hump you can tell him you dont want him there and give him a taste of his own medicine 😂

Tunnockswafer · 16/05/2019 12:29

Yeah take him up on it and go, then if there is a dodgy reason you might spot it - if it’s just boring shop talk at least you’ll know. Sounds like he expects you not to go.

Chickenwing · 16/05/2019 12:31

You are being unfair. He maybe forgot you said let's do something if an actual plan hadn't been made. Why cant you go out with him on Saturday?

I get why he doesn't want to bring you. You wont know the others and he would have to "look after" you and not give him a chance to socialise with others. Agree he should have explained that rather than say he doesn't want you there.

dreamyflower · 16/05/2019 12:32

I'm a teacher and have worked in various schools and drinks on Friday was always the norm. We never had partners there though- not because they were not allowed. I think it was to do with timings- we left early on a Fri. When my DH asked to join us, I would say no as noone else had their partners there. That could be the reason?

maddy68 · 16/05/2019 12:32

You honestly sound slightly bonkers. It's a work drinks thing. If he turned up with you it honestly would be weird! Schools don't work like that
I honestly wouldn't have an issue with him going

maddy68 · 16/05/2019 12:34

The workfriend hasnt invited you!

ConkerGame · 16/05/2019 12:36

He actually sounds really mean:

Not being supportive of you after an interview,
cancelling on you,
not “allowing” you to join a night out with his friends when other partners will be there,
spending money on holidays and nights out with friends but not got money to spend on date nights or house savings,
Letting you run yourself ragged with long hours at work and getting a new job etc all to help you both as a couple whilst not stepping up himself.
I think you need a big chat about all of this. It’s not fair and must be upsetting for you.

Ignore the posters being rude to you - this is not about one night out!

HeckyPeck · 16/05/2019 12:36

Why cant you go out with him on Saturday?

Have you read OP’s posts? He always says they can’t afford to go out together. Even though he has plenty of money for a lads holiday and going out without her.

Tunnockswafer · 16/05/2019 12:36

A) it’s not Friday after work drinks it’s a birthday party
B) OP can’t go out with him on Saturday night as he says they can’t go out because saving
C) the person holding the party asked if her dp could come along to the OP’s dh’s birthday.

Hollowvictory · 16/05/2019 12:37

Guess what you can go out and do free stuff.

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