To not want DH to go?

[pinotghelp]

DH and I are saving for a new family home, I've taken on the majority of the pressure with saving and we are both reducing our social lives.

DH got a text earlier in the week to a WhatsApp group saying "I know it's short notice but if anyone is around at 6 on Friday (tomorrow) I'm having some birthday drinks". This was sent to everyone at the school that DH works at. DH and this person are friends but still colleagues mostly. DH acted as if he wasn't going and I got a final interview for a job I'm going for that would help us massively and said AGAIN this morning about how I'll be finished the same time he is so we can do something.

Today he went "but I'm going to Teacher's birthday". This threw me as he finishes at 330pm and it's a drive from our home to this place so at the very least he'd have to come home first. I said "well can I come then" and he said "no I don't want you there".

This has annoyed me as I always introduce him to my colleagues. He is naturally invited. These drinks allow for partners and the message is a laid back one. When I threw a surprise party for DH earlier this year and invited this colleague the first thing he said is "can DP come?" I said yes, of course. He ended up cancelling 5 minutes before the surprise...!

Now I'm mad. DH just doesn't want me there but with no good reason. Every Friday he has a drink after work with these people so he has his own time enough. I don't get to meet them then. I've met these people on one occasion before but I'm almost kept from getting to know them. I'm not invited on any of the nights out etc.

I can't make plans of my own that night as all friends are busy or usually I would. I was looking forward to spending the time together and now feel disappointed. We haven't even had a meal out for months because of the saving but the amount he'll spend on drinks would have easily covered a little "date night"

Advice? Help me get over myself please :(

I think it’s rubbish OP. Not only has he cancelled your plans together (yes, only made loosely but still agreed you’d spend the time together), he has also chosen his colleagues over you and also given you a harsh, abrupt reason about why you can’t join, when I’m sure you would enjoy it.

I think you should sit him down and explain it all to him. He should be there for you after the interview (particularly as the job would be a huge help to both of you financially) and should also not be actively stopping you from socialising with his friends (these are clearly more than just colleagues if they are inviting him to their birthday party). I hope he sees sense.

Are you a bit too full on when out socially? Maybe your DP just wants to himself with his colleagues, just because other people bring their partners it doesn't mean he has to. Have a nice night in and book a date night another time.

and also given you a harsh, abrupt reason about why you can’t join, when I’m sure you would enjoy it.

Why are you sure she'd enjoy it? If my DH told me that he thought it was best I didn't come to something then I'd assume he was right, since he actually knows the people/dynamic involved.

My husband has gone out every end of term/half term with work friends for the 7 years I've known him. I've dropped him off at birthday BBQs for them and pub quizzes ect. Honestly i never even thought to ask to go.

It is good and healthy to have seperate friends.

I do understand your upset though as Friday I text my husband saying I was excited to watch a movie with him and he didn't say anything. I got home and he was drunk with his brother. So I do get when you make plans to stay in and they basically don't see it as a real plan!

In terms of savings it is so hard. The thing is, if a friend asks you out its harder to say 'lets just stay in and have oven chips', whereas you can to a partner? So I wouldn't say he is picking them over you but rather just saving where you can?

Ok thanks for all the messages.

I'm not trying to drip feed, it seems some people didn't understand the context.

He abruptly said "I don't want you there", here is the one and only time it was mentioned this morning:
Me: ugh I need to prep for the interview, I'll finish early so you can get me earlier and we can enjoy ourselves

Him: but I'm going to Teacher's.

Me: huh? You never said?

Him: yeah but I said to him I would

Me: then I can come too surely and we can do something before

Him: no, I don't want you there.

End of conversation.

He's been a teacher our whole relationship, I don't necessarily think he has something to hide (although now I'm starting to wonder!) I just think I'm not important enough.

Reason why I am so hurt enough to post on here: I've been working 60 hour weeks, struggling with stress and having panic attacks about work. Yesterday I really had a bad day and said I'm worried about coping and will need to work at the weekend.

It’s a bit rubbish to say you can’t come but outsiders to a work environment do change the dynamics. Sorry but I think it’s health for your relationship to have nights out without each other. You should try it.

Op I mean this kindly, get a support network, never put all your eggs in one basket, honestly do not overly rely on one person.

^ that plus have your own savings before you start saving for a joint project.

I do go to work drinks without him, he wouldn't be invited as the company pays for those.
I invite him to events my colleagues (who I would now say are my friends) put on - birthdays, nights out etc.

I've never been on an end of term night, Christmas etc and would never expect to be as that's a school event.

This is the birthday of a colleague (somewhat friend) who is extending the invite. It is the same situation for DH's birthday and this EXACT SAME PERSON went "can DP come?" Hence my expectation or "entitlement"

I wouldn't have a problem with it. I'd have an evening in with some nice food and a movie if I didn't have my own plans to go out. I also wouldn't want to tag along to his drinks. It is very healthy to have a bit of time out from your partner or a night out without them once in a while!

I do find it a little difficult to understand some of the responses on this thread so far. If someone said to me that it was a work thing and partners weren't really going then I would think fair enough, but if my husband said, I don't want you there, I would be really hurt. I wouldn't be praising his honesty, I would be criticising his lack of tact and empathy for someone he is supposed to love. I would also be thinking why doesn't he want me there and probably worrying a bit about that. I do struggle with the idea that some people on this thread would be totally fine with the way this was expressed.

He goes out every Friday so isn't socially deprived and it sounds like this is more of a party for someone at work who is inviting partners and people they know outside of work. Some places, partners don't attend work drinks, but I have worked in a few places where partners always attended, it depends on the environment.

OP, I would be hurt and telling him so. Even though you are saving for a house I would be setting aside a small budget every month to allow for a couple of cheap date nights, even if it is a takeaway and a film at home. I am also saving for a house, but I do consider having a little money to do nice things important too as otherwise it all becomes a bit joyless and resentment can build if the other person doesn't seem as committed to it as you

But the EXACT SAME PERSON didn't come in the end!

OP, I think you want your DH to ask if you can come - not even sure if you actually want to go, you just want your partner to make a bit of a show about it for you. That does sound needy, sorry.

I can see that you say you are stressed and I think this could be making the situation worse for you. Possibly there is something else going on in the background that is bothering you more, but you've attached way too much importance to this night out instead! Your DH sees it as a few drinks with colleagues - you view it as rejection.

You've only met these people once - I'd say that was pretty normal tbh. Are you the kind of person who views everyone as a friend, even if you have only met them once or twice? You've said it's a birthday drinks thing, but from what you've said it is overwhelmingly colleagues - a works do.

Maybe he can’t cope with your stress and panic at the moment. I don’t know. It’s a bit odd and rude. But he’s the person to ask not us.

If it is the savings that is the issue really, then yes to putting plans (and the money required) in place to have a nice time with the two of you together (or inviting friends round if that works better).

It could just be that your DH likes to keep his work and private lives separate. Nothing wrong with that really, you don't feel the same though and that's where the clash is.

There are a few separate issues here.

The saving for a house thing: you say it's 'on your shoulders' but then you say you're both saving 50/50?

You sound very stressed and tense. Yes, you have an interview to get through, and agree he was a bit rude, but maybe he just wants a night to let off steam? It's one evening. I don't think this is a major issue. Maybe it's just snowballed for you along with everything else?

PS: Good luck for your interview.

@ChicCroissant it's hard to clarify by typing. It isn't overwhelmingly colleagues, he just invited his colleague group of friends through the WhatsApp group they have. This group will have people he isn't even friends with as well due to people adding others etc. That's why I know about it, I'm sure he's invited his other friends in another WhatsApp group.

I don't want him to ask, there is no need to ask permission. Partners are allowed to come, it says "anyone welcome" within his original invite.

I'm not trying to be needy. I haven't spoken to him about it yet as he's at work. We usually text and he text this morning to tell me to wake up (working from home) and that Black Mirror is out. He knows I'm upset but is just trying to carry on as normal

How your relationship is the rest of the time is significant here.

P.S. the EXACT SAME PERSON that didn't come in the end was another reason why and was shorty as I had to pay a deposit for everyone so that's another story in itself

Seriously work dos with your other half in tow are hard bloody work. You have to keep them happy, there is usually despite ot being a social occasion a fair amount of work chat and in jokes.

It doesn't make any difference that you want your partner at your work dos he doesn't want you at his (probably because as your posts above show you would be bloody hard work!)

It doesn’t really matter if the host is inviting you or not, your partner wants to go on his own.

Stop with the upset, it’s blowing it out of proportion. It’s a few drinks with his pals!

I do struggle with the idea that some people on this thread would be totally fine with the way this was expressed.

I agree that the way he said it was rude. He should have said something like 'I'd rather just go on my own, actually; I don't think it'll be much fun for you and I just want to catch up with my colleagues' or whatever. I also think that it was a one-off, off-hand comment that doesn't deserve all the angst it's getting. I don't think OP was that polite either - she didn't actually ask if she could come, she announced she was going, and I can see why that annoyed him a bit. It was in the morning (possibly a bit of a rush?), we've all said something a bit more abruptly or bluntly than we meant it. I do think he was rude, I just don't think it's such a huge deal.

I really feel like OP is having a hard time here. Sounds like they've had a stressful few months, she's been working hard, taking the brunt of saving and the pressure of going for a new job interview (that in itself can be incredibly stressful and anxiety-inducing).

So OP's DP goes for an after work drink most Fridays, but OP doesn't have the same amount of "alone" time - and it sounds like actually (funnily enough! ) she would like to spend what little free time she has WITH her other half! I don't think it's needy or clingy to want to spend some time with the person you love, especially when it sounds like they aren't spending much quality time together. And then when it's assumed that they will be having a date night, the OP is told abruptly by her DP that he "doesn't want her there".

OP, I think you need to have a conversation with your DP - this doesn't sound like a healthy balance of time spent with each other. I too would be feeling exactly how you're feeling, so I don't think you're being unreasonable at all.

@Tunnockswafer relationship is fine, really. We have fun together, we have a lot of jokes.

We aren't saving 50/50, I have 90% of the deposit he has 10%. We pay for everything 50/50 at present. For example, we transfer the exact same amount to the joint account that pays bills, mortgage, and food shopping that we share. (We eat very differently so each buy our own food as well)

I'm trying to think of reasons but the only thing I can think of is that at the last event I went to (and only) his trainee who he was closest to was very very interested in me. Not in that way but genuinely wanted advice, admired my career etc so he followed me around a lot and always asks after me. A young girl was drunk and said something to me which confused me but I left it. Something along the lines of "watching myself"

OP has clarified several times that this isn't just "works drinks", it's a birthday party that is open to other people, not just colleagues.

Why have you saved 90% of the deposit and your DH only 10%? Perhaps he isn't as invested in your future as you are? Unless your earnings are a lot more?