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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want DH to go?

201 replies

pinotghelp · 16/05/2019 07:28

DH and I are saving for a new family home, I've taken on the majority of the pressure with saving and we are both reducing our social lives.

DH got a text earlier in the week to a WhatsApp group saying "I know it's short notice but if anyone is around at 6 on Friday (tomorrow) I'm having some birthday drinks". This was sent to everyone at the school that DH works at. DH and this person are friends but still colleagues mostly. DH acted as if he wasn't going and I got a final interview for a job I'm going for that would help us massively and said AGAIN this morning about how I'll be finished the same time he is so we can do something.

Today he went "but I'm going to Teacher's birthday". This threw me as he finishes at 330pm and it's a drive from our home to this place so at the very least he'd have to come home first. I said "well can I come then" and he said "no I don't want you there".

This has annoyed me as I always introduce him to my colleagues. He is naturally invited. These drinks allow for partners and the message is a laid back one. When I threw a surprise party for DH earlier this year and invited this colleague the first thing he said is "can DP come?" I said yes, of course. He ended up cancelling 5 minutes before the surprise...!

Now I'm mad. DH just doesn't want me there but with no good reason. Every Friday he has a drink after work with these people so he has his own time enough. I don't get to meet them then. I've met these people on one occasion before but I'm almost kept from getting to know them. I'm not invited on any of the nights out etc.

I can't make plans of my own that night as all friends are busy or usually I would. I was looking forward to spending the time together and now feel disappointed. We haven't even had a meal out for months because of the saving but the amount he'll spend on drinks would have easily covered a little "date night"

Advice? Help me get over myself please :(

OP posts:
LemonTT · 16/05/2019 08:27

He has been clear he does not want you to go to this event with him. There are endless reasons why. It could be because he thinks you won’t fit in and not enjoy yourself, you are antisocial, he doesn’t enjoy your company or that he is involved with a third party and this will be outed if you attend. There are many more possible reasons, although most are generally unpleasant. We can only guess. You need to get him to explain himself and decide if it is reasonable or true.

If you are both saving, you should both know what your joint money can and cannot be spent on. If this isn’t the case then you need to decide if this marriage is equal.

As a couple you should both be making time for each other. That could be mutually arranging nights out on a regular basis. It could be that you both agree to spend one night together, as a couple relaxing and being intimate, every week regardless.

If you have important interview on Friday, then he should be supporting you to be your best. The outcome benefits him too. Instead he is being a prick and making you fret and giving you upset. Me, I would tell him this and I know we would have it sorted so I was on top form.

You are being clingy and needy because you are stressed and because he is not being supportive generally and he is not concerned about you.

In writing this I wish I could delete it all and tell you it’s normal and ok so you could get on with your interview. But he is being a prick, for no other reason than he should know you are stressed and he should not cause any other worries.

Applesbananaspears · 16/05/2019 08:31

You don't have to be best pals or even socialise, but to have not met them is a bit weird IMO.

I don’t think it’s at all weird. I have never met any of my DH colleagues and he has been in his job 4 years or in his previous role he was in 7 years and he has never met mine. I can’t imagine why he would want to.

pinkdelight · 16/05/2019 08:32

"On a rare chance to see his dp earlier on a Friday he has no interest in taking it."

Did I miss something or won't they be spending the w/e together anyway?

greenlynx · 16/05/2019 08:34

I agree with mabelsgarden.
I know my DH’s colleagues and if I asked about going out with him he would tell me that partners are not invited in much more polite way.
By the way I prefer not to go now but a couple of times before DD I went now I would rather stay at home and watch TV with our DD or do baking.
I don’t like that you are not on the same page about savings. And it looks like he’s keen to use every opportunity to go out : with his colleagues or yours.

Tunnockswafer · 16/05/2019 08:35

Yes. In the house, no money for a meal or a drink together. And doing the same old not at all the same as a chance to meet someone when they’re normally at work, especially if they’ve just had an interview that could improve both their lives..

Fundays12 · 16/05/2019 08:36

You sound clingy and needy why can you let him go to a colleagues drinks night without you? It’s like you don’t trust him.

Bluntness100 · 16/05/2019 08:37

Gosh op. You're twisting yourself into knots here to get people to agree with you, drip feeding in like a good un.

Does it really matter to you that much that anonymous ransoms on the Internet think you're right?

Why ask if you don't want to be told people disagree with you?

Looks like you've twisted and turned enough you'll get some folks agreeing with you.

Now what?

mabelsgarden · 16/05/2019 08:39

@Fundays12

You sound clingy and needy why can you let him go to a colleagues drinks night without you? It’s like you don’t trust him.

And with him saying abruptly that he doesn't WANT her there, she would have right to not trust him.

Some of the replies on here, honestly! Hmm

Alsohuman · 16/05/2019 08:39

It sounds pretty boring to me, they’ll all be talking shop and laughing at in jokes only they understand. If it were me, I’d settle down with a book or film and a glass of wine and have some me time.

Nicknacky · 16/05/2019 08:40

If my partner kept banging on about coming for drinks with my colleagues then I would probably directly tell them I don’t want want them there too. She sounds relentless.

Walkaround · 16/05/2019 08:45

Well, I think he's being a git to both prioritise the party and say he doesn't want you there given that he goes out for drinks with his work colleagues all the time but hardly ever goes out with his dw. Sounds like he has a different persona at work to the one he has at home and doesn't want the two worlds to meet as that could be embarrassing for him. On this occasion, he should be prioritising you, or explaining why this particular colleague's general birthday invite to all staff is more important to him than having a rare chance to go out with his wife after work and help her celebrate surviving the job interview.

Missingstreetlife · 16/05/2019 08:50

Not v tactful is he? Teachers are v boring when they get together. Treat yourself to something and don't invite him next time you go out.
Good luck w interview

Crazyladee · 16/05/2019 08:51

Although I am all up for not living in each others pockets, and having our own friends/space, I'm with you, OP.

I do believe there has been a bit of a communication issue DH acted like he wasn't going and finishing early so I thought we could do something it doesn't sound like there were any set plans in place for that particular evening and from your DHs point of view, the invite to the teachers evening came first. Do you know for a fact that other partners of the teachers are definately going?

Having said that, you would need the hide of a rhino to not be hurt by being told "I don't want you there"
It might be something simple such as the dynamics changing or maybe there are no other partners going even though they were originally invited, but he could have definately been more tactful with his words.
Have you asked him why he doesn't want you there?

However for me, I would rather stick pins in my eyes than go to the event with him now after him saying that. My pride wouldn't let me do anything than say "Fine, you go and I will do my own thing"

Missingstreetlife · 16/05/2019 08:55

Ssperhaps he feels uncomfortable that you are going for more money than him& his colleagues

mabelsgarden · 16/05/2019 08:55

@Bluntness100

Gosh op. You're twisting yourself into knots here to get people to agree with you, drip feeding in like a good un.

WTAF? Confused The OP is not 'getting people to agree with her.' People do have their own minds you know. Posting drivel like that isn't going to make me - or anyone else supporting the OP - turn against her. What a childish comment.

@Nicknacky

If my partner kept banging on about coming for drinks with my colleagues then I would probably directly tell them I don’t want want them there too. She sounds relentless.

Who said the OP had been 'banging on' about going out with her partner?

The only place she is 'banging on about it,' is in your head.

Singlenotsingle · 16/05/2019 08:56

I'd be quite hurt to be told by the person who's supposed to love me, that I wasn't wanted. That's what's weird imo. Just to go along, get introduced to the workmates and socialise a bit. What has he got to hide? My dp wouldn't dream of going to a social event without me, not even family events.

Hullygully · 16/05/2019 08:57

So everyone thinks it's normal for a loving partner to say "I don't want you there"?

And because the OP thought they were having a night together, but is happy to join in and socialise at an event with her dp instead she is "clingy"?

Fuck me.

skippy67 · 16/05/2019 08:57

So, it's not that you don't want him to go, but more that you don't want him to go without you? If so, then YABU. You live with him, see him every day. So why can't he go out without you every now and again?

skippy67 · 16/05/2019 08:59

I also think it's fine for him to have said he doesn't want you there. It's one night...

mabelsgarden · 16/05/2019 09:02

@Hullygully

So everyone thinks it's normal for a loving partner to say "I don't want you there"?

Ummmm no... Not EVERYone thinks it's OK!!!! Some people (including me) actually think it's pretty bloody horrid, and no loving partner would say it.

RTFT. Smile

Nicknacky · 16/05/2019 09:04

mabel I very much doubt she mentioned it just the once to him.

hully Of course it’s fine to say you don’t want your partner to attend something. Would you rather he lied and came up with an excuse?

Still18atheart · 16/05/2019 09:07

I work in a school. Teachers v rarely take spouses to social stuff including Christmas party. There might be one or two spouses there but they are in the minority.

Hullygully · 16/05/2019 09:10

Apologies, Mabel, I did rtft, but I was hyperbolizing.

Micknacky, It's fine to respond when invited to spend an evening together: actually I'm planning a night out with my friends.

It's not fine to act as if you are going to spend time with your partner, then announce you're not, and say the words: "I don't want you there"

LisaSimpsonsbff · 16/05/2019 09:18

Have you ever been to a social event that is mostly teachers? I seem to have some sort of teacher fetish because I'm married to one and my ex was also a teacher so I've been to a few. They are very boring. Teachers are not good at stopping the work chat outside work. Nor, by the way, are academics (my job) - and while I'd have put it much more nicely, I'd also tell DH that I'd rather he didn't come out with my colleagues because I know the conversation would revolve around things and people he doesn't know, and him being there would be boring for him, and would also stop me being able to enjoy that conversation myself as I'd have to try and include him.

Bluntness100 · 16/05/2019 09:27

Nah, for me there is certain people where you just have to state it. I don't want you there. As a way of dealing with it, or they will keep banging on and on and making your life a merry hell.

Who knows but the op might just be that person.🤷‍♀️

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