To not want DH to go?

[pinotghelp]

DH and I are saving for a new family home, I've taken on the majority of the pressure with saving and we are both reducing our social lives.

DH got a text earlier in the week to a WhatsApp group saying "I know it's short notice but if anyone is around at 6 on Friday (tomorrow) I'm having some birthday drinks". This was sent to everyone at the school that DH works at. DH and this person are friends but still colleagues mostly. DH acted as if he wasn't going and I got a final interview for a job I'm going for that would help us massively and said AGAIN this morning about how I'll be finished the same time he is so we can do something.

Today he went "but I'm going to Teacher's birthday". This threw me as he finishes at 330pm and it's a drive from our home to this place so at the very least he'd have to come home first. I said "well can I come then" and he said "no I don't want you there".

This has annoyed me as I always introduce him to my colleagues. He is naturally invited. These drinks allow for partners and the message is a laid back one. When I threw a surprise party for DH earlier this year and invited this colleague the first thing he said is "can DP come?" I said yes, of course. He ended up cancelling 5 minutes before the surprise...!

Now I'm mad. DH just doesn't want me there but with no good reason. Every Friday he has a drink after work with these people so he has his own time enough. I don't get to meet them then. I've met these people on one occasion before but I'm almost kept from getting to know them. I'm not invited on any of the nights out etc.

I can't make plans of my own that night as all friends are busy or usually I would. I was looking forward to spending the time together and now feel disappointed. We haven't even had a meal out for months because of the saving but the amount he'll spend on drinks would have easily covered a little "date night"

Advice? Help me get over myself please :(

@turningback I'm just better at saving. I don't think that DP isn't trying to save. He's done a few things that have disrupted his ability (i.e. a lads holiday 2 months ago).

FWIW on the savings thing. We absolutely CAN NOT afford the new house we want if I don't get a new job. It is my salary that is currently the highest and will be even more so (London finance). This is about my 10th interview and I have a lot more coming, but this is the final stage for this one. The interviews aren't face to face discussions which I'd be fine with, they are exams as I work in technical mathematical finance

He's just text me again with a rolling eyes emoji sigh

If you buy together but you're putting in 90% of the deposit, make sure it's protected by a declaration of trust. Then it remains yours in the event of a break up.

Is he maybe concerned that you will be mentally tallying up everything he spends if you are so keen to save ? Just a thought !

Look, no one's behaving well here. He was unnecessarily rude. You're now sulking/blanking him. Just text back saying 'I was a bit hurt by what you said this morning. I need to focus on my interview but let's discuss it tonight.'

Again, I think he was rude first, but don't turn an off-hand comment into a massive argument, especially when you've got a lot else on your plate.

Do u trust him? I don't see the issue with u not being there it's only a few drinks :) maybe he just wants a night away to enjoy himself. U don't have to do everything together remember

A few pounds on drinks won't really make a difference

"no I don't want you there"

That's an unpleasant thing to say. Why would he say that? And why didn't you challenge him when he did?

@estevan off track but on a night out, especially when you're buying rounds etc, this can quickly escalate to a lot more than a few pounds!

Could the difference in your financial situations be a factor? Is it possible he says/others say things regarding it at the regular Friday drinks sessions that he doesn't want you to know about? The fairly cryptic warning to "watch yourself" that you got when you met his colleagues could have been based on lose talk that might infer you're in a somewhat precarious position. Over what, is something I'd want to get to the bottom of.

They follow me on social media etc

ahahahahahaha - sorry but hahahahaha

probably as your posts above show that you would be bloody well hard work!

Crikey that's a bit harsh!

Have you read the thread and read that the OP has got a shit load on her plate at the moment?

OP in the nicest way you seem a bit full on. But what he said wasn't nice and combined with what you've said I really don't think he is as invested in the relationship as you are. Be careful

So to summarise: he socialises with work colleagues weekly and socialises (as in, out and about in the world, drinks and meal at local pub etc) with you, his partner, when? Hardly ever? Not for months? Because it’s important that YOU save for your mutual future, while he pays off his debts and spends the rest in the pub?
And so many posters seem to think that YOU are the needy one?
I don’t get it

I get you. He gave the impression he would go out with you and wasn't interested in night out with colleague. Then drops it on you that he is going, so you go OK I'll come to that and then he says he doesn't want you there. So not only has he dropped you for your night out, he is making you unwelcome on his, even though other partners will be invited. You have no other plans as you expected to be going out with him. He is happy for you to go home alone even though you would have been welcome (by others if not him) on his night out)

He sounds mean to be honest and I would be wondering why he didn't want me to come on night out if other partners are there. I would also expect him to honour our plans for a night out.

CANCEL THE CHEQUE

Sorry i just wish people would rtft-its not a works do its someones birthday whose inviting all different people and their partners

Id be suspicious sorry he actually said i dont want you there is weird

Sounds like he gets to go out and have fun and spend money with his friends drinking (also the lads holiday). But then when you suggest doing something as a couple he says you can't afford to spend the money. When he has told you that you can't afford a meal have you pointed out to him about him spending money on the lads holiday? I wouldn't try to save if he isn't either. Next time he spends some money on himself I suggest you do the same. He goes on a lads holiday, you go on a girls one. He isn't showing any restraint in regards to spending but begrudges any money being spent on you.

He isn't showing you much support after the job interview either is he. So you are the one working 60 hours a week with a long commute and are also the one saving all the money from your higher salary. What does he bring to the relationship? Does he help around the house? Seems that you are making all the sacrifices and jumping through hoops (new job) to better both of your lives and he just does what he likes. That's so awful saying he doesn't want you there for the night out.

YABU. Sometimes work colleagues just need to unload. Better they do it on each other than take it home and unload on their nearest and dearest. Be thankful that you don't have to sit and listen to it. Other peoples work woes, even when you know the people involved are the pits.

Honestly, this wouldn’t bother me. I wouldn’t want to go to his work mates night out and I’d say the same as your DH said to you, if mine asked to come to my work night out. Although, I might be a bit more tactful but honestly is a thumbs up. I wouldn’t want mine there as I want to relax with colleagues and have a laugh and have a break from my OH. He would feel the same. Getting together with partners workmates once a year at Xmas or weddings then fine but this situation would not make me angry or upset at all. I’d relish a night in on my own and order in takeaway that I wanted, bottle of sparkly wine and order in a good chick flick. I’m now kind of hoping mine goes out on Friday so that I can do those things!

If he doesn’t want you to socialise with him why are you together?

I agree it’s good for couples to socialise separately and me and DH do a lot separately as well as together - but if he or I wanted to go to something the other was invited to - of course we’d be welcome.

Wow seems like some totally harsh replies here... I’d feel hurt too, bit abrupt and why shouldn’t you be invited along, especially if you asked, you’ve obviously had a long week, work bloody hard to save, why can’t you let your hair down, if your friends are busy!
You don’t sound like a person that would hang off his apron strings, your long commute and working hours /ethics scream to me your doing everything you can to better your position and your obv not a total potato. If he’s out every week then the odd time you join him surely won’t matter. I’d be hurt and a tad suspicious at such abruptness, had he just said I’d rather go on my own, no one else is bringing partners I feel you’d get caught up in shop talk etc. I would understand.

I was originally on your husband's side. However, I don't think YABU now.

It was obvious that you wanted to spend time with him after your interview (well done btw) and he told you at the last minute that he was planning on going out. You obviously don't socialise together much because of saving. Yet he gets to go out when he likes and goes on holiday? I think he is all take.

It's not about this night out at all really, is it?

I don't think the OP sounds like hard work at all.

She works long hours and is trying to get a better paid job to save whilst he is contributing very little. They don't go out together because they are saving and it is him doesn't want to go out for a meal with her, yet he goes out weekly and went on a holiday?

I don't think it is the OP who is hard work.

Did the drunk girl’s ‘watch yourself’ comment mean something to you? It got a bit lost in the post, I just wondered.

You sound very controlling OP, it's as if your DH is not allowed to do anything without you being there.