To not want DH to go?

[pinotghelp]

DH and I are saving for a new family home, I've taken on the majority of the pressure with saving and we are both reducing our social lives.

DH got a text earlier in the week to a WhatsApp group saying "I know it's short notice but if anyone is around at 6 on Friday (tomorrow) I'm having some birthday drinks". This was sent to everyone at the school that DH works at. DH and this person are friends but still colleagues mostly. DH acted as if he wasn't going and I got a final interview for a job I'm going for that would help us massively and said AGAIN this morning about how I'll be finished the same time he is so we can do something.

Today he went "but I'm going to Teacher's birthday". This threw me as he finishes at 330pm and it's a drive from our home to this place so at the very least he'd have to come home first. I said "well can I come then" and he said "no I don't want you there".

This has annoyed me as I always introduce him to my colleagues. He is naturally invited. These drinks allow for partners and the message is a laid back one. When I threw a surprise party for DH earlier this year and invited this colleague the first thing he said is "can DP come?" I said yes, of course. He ended up cancelling 5 minutes before the surprise...!

Now I'm mad. DH just doesn't want me there but with no good reason. Every Friday he has a drink after work with these people so he has his own time enough. I don't get to meet them then. I've met these people on one occasion before but I'm almost kept from getting to know them. I'm not invited on any of the nights out etc.

I can't make plans of my own that night as all friends are busy or usually I would. I was looking forward to spending the time together and now feel disappointed. We haven't even had a meal out for months because of the saving but the amount he'll spend on drinks would have easily covered a little "date night"

Advice? Help me get over myself please :(

Based on this small snapshot of your life you sound really needy/hard work. Let it go and enjoy a night in reading or watching a good film. Honestly people get so tied in knots about stuff that’s meaningless.

I don't think I'd be falling over myself to join a birthday drinks night with people my husband works with, but I've barely even met. I also wouldn't ask him not to go. If this is a regular Friday night thing anyway it won't have come as a complete surprise. If my husband was pushing to come on a colleagues birthday drinks do, I'd think he wanted to keep an eye on me!!

So why mention the saving for a house if OP isn’t indicating he should give up his socialising and put the money towards the saving?

OP says most of the pressure for saving the money is on her. And there’s no money for a meal out together but money for him to go drinking.

OP, why are you saving more than him? You should save the save amount as him. If you have any extra savings, keep them in your personal account, not joint one. You never know when you might need money that he can’t access.

My DH earns more but I am much better saving than him, I have my own savings account.

@pinotghelp

I think he has the right to want to be with mates, and you are both entitled to time without each other. (And I would not want to go personally.)

However, the abrupt statement 'I don't want you there!' would leave me confused and worried. DH has always been welcome at my works gatherings (though he has only been to 3 or 4 of around 20-odd.) And I have always been welcome at DH's works gatherings, (although I have only been to maybe 3 or 4 of 20-odd of his too.)

He has always known my workmates, and I have always know his. Not really massively or personally, but as friendly acquaintances yeah... His workmates chat to me if I see them in public, and I class 4 or 5 of the women he works with, and a couple of the blokes he works with, as friends, and have them on facebook. Ditto with DH. My colleagues have always been friendly with him too, and he has several of them on facebook.

But even if that was not the case, I would be rather concerned if he said 'NO, you can't come!' I mean, why not?

I don't think it is needy or petty to be upset and worried that your DH has said he doesn't WANT you there. That would ring alarm bells for me.

How long has he worked there? If it's 6 months, that's understandable. If it's several years or more, then I am confused as to why you have never met - or even spoke to - his work colleagues.

I have to ask also, why are YOU doing the majority of the saving for the house? Why is HE not contributing more??? This, along with saying he doesn't WANT you at his works events, suggests (to me) that he is not as invested in the marriage as you are sorry.......

Well yeah some are teachers. Some are bankers. Some are ex pupils whose parents still teach there.

I couldn't ask him if he wanted to go out as we aren't spending money (him that stops us- I think spending £20 on a meal is fine but he says no so we stay in). So I asked him to do something which he knows means watching a film/spending time together - that's my dialect.

He didn't deny this morning that he had 1) made it seem like he wasn't going to go and 2) that he knew I'd be leaving early and wanted to spend time with him.

Some of my work colleagues have now become his friends from all the events we go to. He does things alone a lot with other people. I just don't think it's natural to never get to hang out with these people - as I said this colleague always would ask him his DP to be invited.

I don't think you are being needy or clingy. Whilst I don't think that couples need to live in each others pockets, I do think the fact that he actively said you can't join him and his colleagues is pretty horrible of him. My partner comes to most of my work social events. Not because I am clingy but because I enjoy his company and its a nice way to spend some time with him. I think your partner is pretty shitty to be frank.

Hmm, OP, could he be flirting with a colleague at the drinks?

I really wouldn't my husband coming to any of my work socialising events - it would just be exceptionally weird.

What would really get my back up is the ‘No I don’t want you there.’
That’s really crap imo.

And from what you have said, you seem to be making a lot of efforts that he doesn’t. Saving more money than him. Reducing going out but he is still having drinks every Fridays. Ensuring he is meeting your work colleagues but he isn’t reciprocating.

@Antigon who knows - but if they can flirt at a work drinks they can flirt every day at school. So it wouldn't matter if I was there surely?

@mabelsgarden this is my point exactly, thank you for getting it. It's the fact I'm just not wanted that's hurt. I've never been insulted when it's a work event because I wouldn't expect to be invited. But this is an event I could definitely join.

He's been at this school 2 years now.

I thought it would be a good opportunity to see his colleagues, meet the ones I haven't yet met, and also spend some time with DH.
The abruptness of not being wanted felt personal.

The saving is not so much done by me but on my shoulders. We have separate accounts and contribute towards everything 50/50. A new job for me would mean I'd earn double his salary which would mean more to save and a greater chance of getting the house we really want.
He has more debt than I do so his financing of this leaves him with less to save than me

@adaline

I really wouldn't my husband coming to any of my work socialising events - it would just be exceptionally weird.

Why??? Why would it be 'exceptionally weird?!'

adaline RTFT.
The OP has specified many times it is NOT a work socialising event. You can go out with colleagues wo it being a work social event (aka you have partners there, other people etc etc)

It’s actually fine if he doesn’t want you there. I do things where I don’t want my husband to come along. It doesn’t mean I didn’t love him, just that I’m my own person with my own friends etc.

Something about this has bothered you enough to post here, don't push it but be aware.

OP, it sounds like nobody is bringing partners so that’s why he hadn’t invited you.

Where does he work that some are teachers and some are bankers?

Is he a teacher in a school?

Plus I don’t understand the bit about “ex pupils whose parents still teach there”. Why wouid try be going? What kind of place is this, so we can get an idea?

Two seperate things, isn't it?

He doesn't want you there-fine, although he told you rather rudely.

He'd rather do something with them than you.

Maybe fine maybe not!

If it was a rare chance to do something with you when he socialises with the quite often I'd be pissed off tbh.

@pinotghelp

I'm sorry you feel so wounded and hurt. I would be too, and I think many comments on this thread (particularity the first page/first 25 posts,) have been a bit harsh.

Can you talk to him, and ask specifically why he said 'I DON'T WANT YOU THERE.' ? As I (and a few others now) have said, that bit seemed very harsh and abrupt.. I do think also that if he has been there 2 years, it's rather strange to have never met his colleagues.

I met DH's colleagues (and he met mine) within a few weeks of us starting our job(s.) I mean only to say 'hi' to, but we still met them yeah. (I even have met a few of the colleagues and friends of my (adult) children, and know them to chat to outside work!) You don't have to be best pals or even socialise, but to have not met them is a bit weird IMO.

Are either of you on twitter or facebook or instagram or anything? Is he mates with them on there?

Him telling you he doesn't want you there isn't horrible, it's the truth and I guess you wouldn't want him to be anything other than honest.

BUT you do need to ask him why he doesn't why you to join him and his colleagues for drinks.

You are coming across as needy and entitled, so maybe, if you're like that in 'real life' then that could be why he doesn't want you to join them.

I’m a teacher and I think a regular drinks after work thing is different to a birthday party. I think you are getting a hard time here. If I didn’t want dh to come I’d say there’ll be no other partners there (if that’s true) never “I don’t want you to come”. Do you fit in with the image he has at work I wonder, and how much does he talk to his colleagues about having a partner? It’s hardly unheard of for teachers to have affairs is it?!
If you’re just about home and his colleagues are the ones he has fun with, it doesn’t bode well. It should be a mix.

@pinotghelp

I'm sorry you feel so wounded and hurt. flowers I would be too, and I think many comments on this thread (particularly the first page/first 25 posts,) have been a bit harsh.

Can you talk to him, and ask specifically why he said 'I DON'T WANT YOU THERE.' ? As I (and a few others now) have said, that bit seemed very harsh and abrupt.. I do think also that if he has been there 2 years, it's rather strange to have never met his colleagues.

I met DH's colleagues (and he met mine) within a few weeks of us starting our job(s.) I mean only to say 'hi' to, but we still met them yeah. (I even have met a few of the colleagues and friends of my (adult) children, and know them to chat to outside work!) You don't have to be best pals or even socialise, but to have not met them is a bit weird IMO.

Are either of you on twitter or facebook or instagram or anything? Is he mates with them on there?

Did he say 'no I don't want you there's or was it the normal 'I'd actually thought I'd go on.my own because ...' it does still after your update sound like you hadn't really made plans with him, it does sound like you need to talk to him about saving if y o u think you're doing most of it but that also depends on whether bills asve split evenly, whether you go out a lot too and who earns more. I'd side with those saying enjoy your night in instead, work does aren't for partners, you could end up listening to work talk all night! Oh and for the person asking is her dhpossibly flirting at the work do- really? Can someone not just want to just be out with colleagues for the night?

Don't know why that posted twice. Sorry!

I think yabu to "not want him to go", and I wonder if his abruptness is because he had to be clear, as you seem pretty insistent that you should be going to this even though lots of people have said they wouldn't want their partners there (the 'not a work event' thing is splitting hairs - it's socialising with his colleagues and he wants to do it without you which is totally fine). It's one night, it's a shame your mates are busy but you could go see a film or just chill and go on a date night on Saturday. If it's this important to you then it's worth it. But definitely let this one drop. Not sure why it's such a big deal. Focus on your interview.

I’ve also met the partners of a good number of colleagues through them being on nights out. Sometimes they’re teachers too, sometimes not. Leaving this night aside I think this couple could do with some work on their relationship. On a rare chance to see his dp earlier on a Friday he has no interest in taking it.

It’s slightly weird how much detail you know about the night down to the word for word what’s app message. I’m a teacher and lived locally to my last school and my partner would sometimes join us as our work pub was also our local. Same for another friend of mine who lived close by. No one else’s partners would come even if birthday drinks. Tbh teachers end up talking so much shop I’m surprised you would want to. Why don’t you go out with your own friends and leave him to it?