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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be struggling with work and nursery runs

156 replies

cheesemixup · 15/05/2019 14:58

So I've finally managed to cut my hours down from work I now do 9.30-5.
My partner takes ds to nursery at 12.
Dd nursery is 35 min away, she starts at 1.

Ds comes out at 5.15 (I'm always late)
And dd at 5.45. By the time I get home it's usually 6.35ish

But I'm shattered!! I feel like I can't cope collecting them, work won't let me leave any earlier and the nursery is funded hours so can't put them in any longer. I was moaning to my partner how I'm struggling and he just called me lazy Sad aibu?

I realise this is something parents do every day, maybe because I'm not in the habit of it just yet?
I also have 9m old baby too and it just feels never ending!!
Is there any way to make it any easier? Or do I just grin and bear it?

OP posts:
Copperandtod · 15/05/2019 19:54

If you’ve been a SAHM for 5 years it will take time to adjust to full time work and single parenting in home when you are not at work.

Mintandthyme · 15/05/2019 19:55

OP works full-time too and yet she has to do the evening routine completely solo with three children - why is it any different?

I guess that if the op has the children in bed by a reasonable hour - say 8pm - she will have had them for 3 hours in the working day.
Her partner will have had all three of them from 8am when she leaves for work; then 2 drop offs for 12 and 1; then the baby until 5pm when he has to go to work which involves bringing the baby with him to drop off baby at op’s workplace ..so he is on the go from 8am till 2am with approx 9 hours of child care in that too ...

Nonnymum · 15/05/2019 19:56

Because 3 constantly at home is hell on earth? I couldn't manage them all either.
How do you mange at the weekends?
Also you don't have to be at home with them all the time, are there any baby/playgroups in your area? Or local children's library's parks etc?
Like others I think it would be easier if the 2 year old dropped her nursery hours so your DP could bring her and then baby to you. Then you go and pick up your eldest.

adaline · 15/05/2019 19:58

It's different cos they're asleep for most of it presumably.

But OP still has to deal with two tetchy/grumpy children (who will be absolutely shattered by the time they get home at 6.30pm) and a newborn all on her own. That's dinner x 3, baths x 2/3, bedtime x 3 - without any back-up from anyone else - having had a full day at work and having been awake since 4.30am!

She also has to deal with any night-wakings on her own as well - yet her partner can't cope with all three during the day and gets to put two in nursery so he only has to deal with the baby?

adaline · 15/05/2019 19:59

I guess that if the op has the children in bed by a reasonable hour - say 8pm - she will have had them for 3 hours in the working day.

How is that going to happen when she doesn't get home until gone half six every night, though? Plus she's up at 4am with the baby (and presumably the others when they wake) and her partner doesn't get up until 8am!

adaline · 15/05/2019 20:00

so he is on the go from 8am till 2am with approx 9 hours of child care in that too ...

And she's on the go from 4am - doing 4 hours of childcare, an 8 hour work day, and another 3-4 hours of childcare on top of that, plus all the night wakings!

bordellosboheme · 15/05/2019 20:07

Saying your lazy is uncalled for.
I know what it's like. I find the 8.45 drop offs at school and nursery hard, and then rushing to work to try and find a non existent parking space. The morning are really pressurised and I'm not a morning person. It sounds like evenings are when you get really tired. Be easy on yourself.

NewAccount270219 · 15/05/2019 20:07

I think that both OP and her DH have it pretty tough - I don't think it's really fair to claim he's not pulling his weight. It's not like he's getting any leisure time either.

SherlockSays · 15/05/2019 20:08

So your DP essentially works all day (having a 9 month old is not exactly easy - I have one and she goes to nursery 4 days a week) and then all night too? And posters are asking why the other 2 have to go to nursery?! He must be exhausted if I've read that right?

I don't think there's anything wrong with your routine to be honest, you get a baby brought to you and then you pick up other DC's on the way home and you don't have to do drop off or cooking tea.

Will your middle child be at the older child's nursery in the next year? If so that will soon be here.

Original poster
cheesemixup · 15/05/2019 20:09

🙈 I didn't mean to start a war! I shouldn't have complained to my partner but it's the shock of leaving work and a baby is thrust at me, I then have to fast walk/jog to get to my sons nursery and then back in the opposite direction for my daughters, all without 5 minutes headspace!

I'm sure it will get easier as time goes on, I may even speak to them and see if there is any adjusting the hours.
I am extremely grateful my partner cooks, it is very helpful to come home to! (Mainly does it so he can take some to work as well but still Grin)

I hope I don't sound like I want it all without having to do anything Blush I genuinely want the best case for everybody! My kids enjoy nursery so much and it would be ashame to take them out of it, perhaps my dd could go to a childminder, maybe even the baby if finances could stretch that far?
It would have to be something we talk about!

At weekends it's kind of a blur, a big tired, let's not do much but slob on the sofa blur!
They all have so much energy that we do tend to spend a lot of time outside/in parks/climbing in woods.
Definitely easier to parent outside lol!!

Dd and the baby are still awake, they are allergic to sleep Grin

OP posts:
adaline · 15/05/2019 20:10

So your DP essentially works all day (having a 9 month old is not exactly easy - I have one and she goes to nursery 4 days a week) and then all night too? And posters are asking why the other 2 have to go to nursery?! He must be exhausted if I've read that right?

But it's no different to what she does, it's just in a different order. But she has all three kids the entire time when she's home, he doesn't.

Original poster
cheesemixup · 15/05/2019 20:12

If it makes a difference dps job finishes in October, hence why I was keen to get into work to make sure we had an income.
(Weve been living off £700 Uc and it has been rough!!) And so because he only wants to work evenings I've been trying so hard to find a cleaning job within the morning hours but could never find anything.
I've had a fair few interviews but this job was the one to give me a chance!(I'd imagine almost 5 years out the work place I'm not exactly desirable)but I'm determined to make it work!

If DP asked me to reduce hours or quit I'd have to give it some thought but he will always be working until gone midnight, that's his contracted hours unfortunately

OP posts:
Passthecherrycoke · 15/05/2019 20:15

You know what OP, I totally hear you and suspect the problem isn’t really about the technicalities it’s really about:

Exhaustion
Being overwhelmed
Settling into a new complex routine
Not having a chance to spend any time with your partner
2 children with developmental issues and a non sleeper

It’s no wonder you’re on your knees. I don’t think the 4.30-6.30pm activity is the issue, but it’s too much else to cope with.

Forgive me, but I don’t understand why the children are at nursery so far away from
Home? I know you sort of explained but I’m afraid I still don’t get it. They need to be at nursery near your work or your home. It needs to be convenient. It’s not usual in anyway for a nursery to change a full days fees for an extra 45 minutes or so although ime it’s also not usual for them to offer the opportunity to purchase another 45 mins.

You need to think about what you REALLY need and start compromising. So for example, what do you need, childcare, or education? What would you be doing if the free hours weren’t available? Working parents have to compromise / sacrifice. Ime it’s unusual for working parents to have their children in an inflexible few hours a day pre school attached to a school environment- they are usually in private day nurseries who cater specifically for working parents. Could they be moved? A day nursery will still follow EYFS and prepare them for school- not that your children really need this at their young age.

Then- more drastic. Can you move? Change jobs? Your DHs job sounds like utter hell- he’s effectively doing a night shift without proper rest opportunity.

The end is in sight, but at this rate, you’ll destroy yourselves in a few months. Really think about alternatives

Copperandtod · 15/05/2019 20:15

The one good thing about the set up is that you don’t actually need childcare so financially that is an area where savings could be made

Passthecherrycoke · 15/05/2019 20:16

I don’t think OP is paying for childcare- the children are using free hours

CottonSock · 15/05/2019 20:19

I've declined my daughter's place in school nursery as I can't do with the stress of it. And my arrangement is less complicated than yours

Original poster
cheesemixup · 15/05/2019 20:23

My sons nursery is about 10 mins away so not far, but it's far from my daughters nursery. It's the closest one in our area that allows 2 yr olds to go.
Otherwise the other ones are 2 buses away in the opposite direction.
They are using the funded hours. As was allocated to them when we were both out of work.
I do realise neither of them have to attend, it's not priority right now but definitely something we are both keen to keep.

My partner isn't bothered about picking them up, if he didn't have work to go to then he'd easily do it (likes being out the house) but I'm just finding the no space to myself quite hard, woe is me I know!! I will adjust, or lessen my hours.

I cannot stress that my DP does do enough around the house and I know he is just as tired. I couldn't cope with nightshift and I get a good 3/4hr sleep before he is even home so I know it must seem unfair that I'm complaining!
I suppose I am being a bit U then and just have to suck it up really

OP posts:
Passthecherrycoke · 15/05/2019 20:25

You’ll have to give up the 2 year olds free hours now though won’t you?

Make a plan as to how you’re going to suck it up- minute by minute. Is there a bottleneck? Is it just impossible? You need to know

Copperandtod · 15/05/2019 20:25

You’ve got 3 kids so you won’t have space for yourself for a few years yet. That’s perfectly normal

Original poster
cheesemixup · 15/05/2019 20:26

Why @passthecherrycoke ?

OP posts:
BarrenFieldofFucks · 15/05/2019 20:31

It isn't all or nothing. Take the 2 year old out surely?

Passthecherrycoke · 15/05/2019 20:31

I understood them to only be available to families who earn less than about £17k a year and you guys are working a lot of hours to stilll be under that? You said you qualified before you started working

Passthecherrycoke · 15/05/2019 20:32

Yes maybe, take the 2 year old out? She can go again at 3

MyKingdomForBrie · 15/05/2019 20:33

@adeline you seem really determined to play down the DH's part. He has not a second to himself and they both want to keep the kids in nursery, not sure what he's doing wrong.

You'll just have to stick it out OP as the only thing that would help is taking dd out of nursery and you don't want to do that. Once she's 3 presumably she can join ds nursery?

PumpkinPie2016 · 15/05/2019 20:36

I think the issue here is that the two nurseries are some distance from eachother which is causing a problem. Also, do either of you have transport of at you walking? Just sounds from your posts like you at both walking which will take up extra time than it would by car.

I'm not sure it will be easier when DS starts school as then your partner will pick him up at about 3 and then you will have to take him + baby to collect DD (or your partner will) and walking that distance with baby and a young child who will be tired from school and I'm Autumn/winter will be difficult.

In all honesty, I would take DD out of nursery to a child minder until she can go to school nursery. A good child minder will do plenty of activities and there will be other kids there.