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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be struggling with work and nursery runs

156 replies

cheesemixup · 15/05/2019 14:58

So I've finally managed to cut my hours down from work I now do 9.30-5.
My partner takes ds to nursery at 12.
Dd nursery is 35 min away, she starts at 1.

Ds comes out at 5.15 (I'm always late)
And dd at 5.45. By the time I get home it's usually 6.35ish

But I'm shattered!! I feel like I can't cope collecting them, work won't let me leave any earlier and the nursery is funded hours so can't put them in any longer. I was moaning to my partner how I'm struggling and he just called me lazy Sad aibu?

I realise this is something parents do every day, maybe because I'm not in the habit of it just yet?
I also have 9m old baby too and it just feels never ending!!
Is there any way to make it any easier? Or do I just grin and bear it?

OP posts:
Original poster
cheesemixup · 15/05/2019 16:01

He could but he would have to get ds at 4, and dd around 4.30 doesn't seem worth it when he only gets back home himself at 2

OP posts:
adaline · 15/05/2019 16:02

What will happen when DS is at school, OP? Who is going to collect him? Or will he go to after-school care?

Fiveredbricks · 15/05/2019 16:02

And if your kids are bored stiff at home at 2/3yrs old OP you're doing something wrong. You do the same stuff at home as they'd do at nursery, it's not hard Confused

Original poster
cheesemixup · 15/05/2019 16:04

I've already explained what would happen when he goes to school, dp would collect him as normal. He and the baby would come to me once I'm done work.
Yeah I'm doing it very wrong, I'm exhausted from waking up many times in a night I frankly don't have the energy to entertain my kids. I'm a shit parent I already know

OP posts:
Teddybear45 · 15/05/2019 16:05

Do they get access to dinner club? If so book them in and so you don’t need to faff around with their meals afterwards. It makes things a lot easier and you can actually enjoy spending family time with them for a bit rather than rushing off into the kitchen as soon as you get home

Nikhedonia · 15/05/2019 16:10

@cheesemixup you are not a shit parent Thanks
This routine sounds really chaotic and I'm sure it's not easy on either of you.

Could you possibly speak to the nursery and see if there are any other ways to use the funded hours and see if that eases your situation?

Scrumptiousbears · 15/05/2019 16:11

I agree it's relentless. I have a 3 and 4 year old. Drop them off at breakfast club for 0740 and collect them at after school club at 1700. Dinner bath homework and bed for 1900. Then dinner for me, packed lunches, washing ironing............

Something has to give and that's time for my stuff 🤷🏼‍♀️

adaline · 15/05/2019 16:17

Nobody has said you're a shit parent Thanks

Your current set up just seems overly complicated, that's all. You have a parent whose home during the day (rare) but you've added the complication of two different (unnecessary) nursery runs and which take a huge chunk of time out of your day and make your evenings more stressful than they need to be!

ILoveMaxiBondi · 15/05/2019 16:18

You’re not a shit parent. You’re exhausted and struggling and I think overlooking ways to make your life a bit easier because you think you shouldn’t reduce DC time at nursery. You can reduce their time OP. It won’t negatively affect them, they’re still getting plenty of socialisation. Don’t be a martyr. Is your DP insisting they stay the full time because he doesn’t want to pick them up?

Weepingwillow5 · 15/05/2019 16:27

It sounds like both you and your partner have it pretty tough. He’s doing almost a full days child care and then effectively working a night shift and you’re doing a full days work followed by multiple pick ups and then all the evening care. Would it be possible to get your middle child a place with a child minder near your older ones school ? In due course when work demands your baby could go to the same child minder. There is nothing to say the 2 year old needs to be in nursery either - but then that would put more pressure on your partner. I’ve not got any great suggestions other than try and be kind to each other - this is short term , it sounds like your both pulling your weight .

Xmasbaby11 · 15/05/2019 16:28

Change nurseries I guess if it bothers you. I used to leave work at 4.30, two different pick ups and home 5.30. But my dc were there from 8am. That is quite average with my friends so I just got used to it. Getting home and the witching hour is always exhausting!

Xmasbaby11 · 15/05/2019 16:31

Sorry, the thread has totally moved on since I wrote the post and forgot to post it over an hour ago!

Original poster
cheesemixup · 15/05/2019 16:32

Deep down I know I'm not but the toll of having 3 under 5 is fairly hitting. I'm struggling to give them attention when I now work.
Again I know this is standard for most people but it's something I am new too.
We will work something out together I'm sure, me and my partner are incredibly strong together (barf Grin) I just want to do right by everybody

OP posts:
WalterIris · 15/05/2019 16:51

Do you know you can use the tax-free to pay a nanny also as long as they are Ofsted registered?
For every £8 you pay, the government will pay £2 ie 20%

I would really consider getting a nanny a few hours per day instead of paying extra for the nursery. If you had someone 3-6pm daily, they could take over baby, collect from school (from sept) and then collect from nursery at say 4pm. Take all three home, start homework, sort school stuff out etc.

Your Dh could then start work again earlier so he isn't finishing quite so late, maybe 4pm-11pm instead of 6pm-1am. And then you would be able to just go straight home

TheWeeMacGregors · 15/05/2019 17:17

Please don’t think you are shit, that’s such nonsense. When I was on mat leave I was nowhere near anything like being a nursery teacher, these people are trained, have resources, and more than one of them, plus multiple children to help interest each other.

Most parents do not run their homes like a nursery. Good for them if they can, but really, it’s a tall order. ‘It’s not hard’. Disagree.

Invisimamma · 15/05/2019 17:28

I'm not sure I understand your set up, have I got this correct...

Baby with partner 9-6pm
DD nursery 1pm-5:15pm
Ds nursery 12-5:45pm
You all get home 6:35pm.
Partner works 6pm-1am.

Why is nursery 35mins away? Is this 5 days per week?

Your ds starts school soon, hang on, you can do this!!

gingerbiscuits · 15/05/2019 17:46

Forgive me if I sound harsh but if I've read this right, your partner does the drop offs & looks after the baby all day before heading to do a late shift at work. You work in the day then pick up 2 kids from nursery & go home to a pre-prepared evening meal. That sounds like a pretty fair division of labour if you ask me & what a lot of us do every day without much of a second thought.

arethereanyleftatall · 15/05/2019 17:55

Ginger biscuits - actually I don't know any family where both parents work full time, have 3 children under 5, and don't pay for any childcare, but manage it with free hours only. It sounds exceptionally tough to me, and I think the best way to get through it is to be nice to each other.

Original poster
cheesemixup · 15/05/2019 18:02

I know it sounds normal and I know there's ladies up and down the country doing it solo.
I'm just finding the shuffle of hours tough, finishing work at one meant I had plenty of me time before leaving to get the others.
I'm sure I just need to get on with it but it is quite tough, especially as I'm the one that's up with the baby and that is usually 4am

OP posts:
whywhywhy6 · 15/05/2019 18:14

It’s tough, but I think your husband is getting the raw end of the deal. All day with a baby, half a day with two older kids also, cooking dinner and nursery drop offs then to work for half the night - I wouldn’t cope with that. He’s certainly not getting any “me time” there.

I appreciate your son won’t cope with change and is starting school soon so I’d keep him in nursery but your daughter doesn’t need it at her age and I’d be taking her out. It’s not necessary assuming she has books and toys at home and the TV is off. That would reduce the running around at pick up time for you and the kids.

You’ll adjust to the new routine, but in my view, your husband is the last person you should be complaining to.

Good luck and hang in there.

3in4years · 15/05/2019 18:28

I don't understand it. Wouldn't it be easier to have them at home or use a childminder? Why all the to-ing and fro-ing when they are so little?
It wouldn't occur to me to use childcare unless I had to.

Original poster
cheesemixup · 15/05/2019 18:30

My partner wouldn't manage with them all at home no.
A childminder maybe but like I said I don't want to take ds away form nursery especially when he is learning about primary 1 and visiting it.
I put ds into nursery at 2 and wasn't working 🤷‍♂️ I think it is great that there is help like that available

OP posts:
littleducks · 15/05/2019 18:34

I didnt find nursery runs that hard but the crucial difference was that I finished work at a time that meant I could get to nursery before it shut as long as no commute disasters. I could also walk home from nursery in 15 mins even at tired and grumpy preschooler pace.

It sounds like nursery would be a good idea, almost all children go around here, certainly from 3 when they get 15/30 funded hours. With you both working and busy something to wear them out a bit too must be needed.

I wondered if mornings would work better, you dropping off before work and your partner collecting at lunch with a child switch in the evening before he goes to work and after you finish.

Really you need a little bit extra to cover (how long will they tolerate you picking up late daily?) The times you work.

NewAccount270219 · 15/05/2019 18:35

You’ll adjust to the new routine, but in my view, your husband is the last person you should be complaining to.

I think this too - I totally understand why you're finding it hard but I can also see why he was very pissed off and called you lazy, as I do think that (even with the night wakings) you're getting the better deal. It does sound exhausting for both of you though. There's a reason why people don't automatically choose to stagger work hours like this, even though it means fewer (potentially no, in your case) childcare hours - it's just too hard. You must barely see each other. I have very flexible hours so work 9.30-4 (longer if I'm working at home) and then 8-10 and I find that tough and like I barely see DH.

Original poster
cheesemixup · 15/05/2019 18:37

I appreciate it seems like my partner has the rawer part of the deal but bearing in mind it only has been a week of this, before I used to do pick ups and dinner and he would be at work from 2ish.
Maybe another shift around is needed I'm not sure.

OP posts: