To judge friend for leaving her children

[GuiltyJudging]

NC and Dailymail are scum.

My best friend of 20 years has confided in me that she plans to leave her DH and DC in two weeks time, once the oldest DCs communion is out of the way.
She has organized a job relocation to a different part of the county and has paid a deposit for a little flat. She’s been planning this a while as she met someone (also married) through work and he plans to follow her when he ties up his loose ends.

She spent an hour on the phone after she’d “let me in on it” excitedly telling me about the decor she’d chosen and talking endlessly about the dress and shoes she’d chosen for a friends wedding next month and gushing about this arsehole who’s also leaving his wife and child.

It hasn’t exactly come from nowhere, even when she didn’t work she had them in full time childcare and never seemed to enjoy motherhood.

I consider myself a feminist but I’m so upset about this, her youngest is only 3.

AIBU to question a 20 year friendship over this?

I wouldn't be friends with her because I can't respect someone like that. I also wouldn't want to hear about her 'new life'

The thing is when people divorce, they don’t live in the same house anymore.
Why is it ok for a couple to divorce and see the father move out and see their dcs EOW but somehow if the mother moves out and leaves the dcs with the father it’s not??

The age of the dcs is irrelevant too. Unless you are advocating for people to never divorce until their dcs are at least and carry in living together and being miserable. Or that fathers aren’t capable of looking after their children (or not as well as the mother would).

No, the issue is that she’s moving to the other side of the country. It’s not that she’s moving out, obviously couples separate all the time. And I’ve seen dads ripped to shreds over this sort of thing (or the stepmums, since they’re usually the ones that post about it).

"The person I know who is most slavishly hero-worshipping of a parent is my friend whose dad didn't bother with her until she was an adult (and only pretty sporadically and self-interestedly since)."

The prodigal son, but a father.

"Can we not admit that because we created our little Baba's in our wombs,.fed.and nurtured them through those first few years that most women have this life long tie to our children. It just goes against the grain of our natural desires , not to love our children and dare I say it, men just don't have the same . That's not to say they don't love at all, my dh would die for our children but it's just not the same. I can't explain it."

So adoptive parents don't love their children the same either?

I have a few friends who've told me something similar to you, basically that they're much closer to the children than their DH is, even in one case when the DH was the SAHP for a bit.
However, it might not be the case in every family. In quite a few families, the father would be the best resident parent and if that is the case here, it's clearly less selfish for her to leave them with him than uproot them and take them with her.

If we divorced it would be better that my dc stayed with me, not their dad. But it would not be better for their dad to move across the country and have very limited contact with them.

"But it would not be better for their dad to move across the country and have very limited contact with them."

Plenty of divorced people do though. They get a job somewhere else and come to visit in the holidays. I know someone who takes the train to another region to see his DD and someone who joined the army somewhere very far away.

Plenty of divorced people do though. They get a job somewhere else and come to visit in the holidays. I know someone who takes the train to another region to see his DD and someone who joined the army somewhere very far away.

I’m sure plenty of people do move away from their DC, mainly for jobs, however that is AFTER divorce. After sitting down with their partners and explaining that the reason is over, after discussing how to explain it to the children, after negotiating contact agreements and trying to impress on the kids that the reason one parent is leaving not a rejection of their children. Not up and vanishing from their lives, leaving their shell shocked father to explain it to the kids when he doesn’t understand himself, and then making a supreme effort to relocate so far away that you are absolved from all parenting responsibilities by making it logistically impossible to visit any time other than the school holidays and paint yourself as the “fun parent”. I mean, Ireland is not that big a country, wherever she is now, if she’s that desperate to relocate to the seaside their are probably closer towns that take less than a 4 hour plus round journey to get to. She is the worst kind of coward.

They do, and I will judge them as not putting their children first if they do that.

Gwenhwyfar what you say is true, I find that if grates when posters go on about giving birth creates a special bond, which the fathers don’t have. I’m an adoptive mum and I can’t imagine loving my DDs more than I do now if I’d given birth to them.

My DSis loves her DSS and her youngest DS (who is adopted) the same way she loves her 2 biological DC.

And sometimes the father is the one who has the closer bond with the DC; my BIL certainly had a closer bond with his oldest DS than his exW did at the time of the split. Every family is different.

But I don’t think that’s the issue here. The OP’s friend is just walking away from her DC and genuinely doesn’t appear to care about the devastation she’ll be leaving behind her. Her youngest is only 3 years old. I think that if she did feel conflicted, she would have said so to her friend, whereas her only emotion appears to be excitement. This is what posters can’t get their heads around, as a lot of us are mums who couldn’t imagine not putting our DCs’ needs first.

It isn’t exactly out of character, either, from what the OP has said. This friend put her DC in full-time childcare when she wasn’t even working. Whilst that won’t have hurt the DC, as children cope fine in full-time childcare, it suggests that this lady possibly never really wanted to be a mum.

I cannot fathom a woman doing that.
However, I think you should keep completely out of it.
I would not be saying one word to her sister.
I would not discuss this with her again.

If she leaves, you will be a wonderful support for her husband and children.

If asked had you any idea, you can say you heard something but didn't think she was serious.
Stay out of their marriage and you can be a much needed support to the children.

Be her confidant now and you risk getting caught in the crossfire if this does blow up.

Either way she sounds completely unhinged and utterly disconnected from her children and family.
Good luck.

I think that if her kids have mini-allotments in your garden and they are like your own, the best practical advice is to keep on reasonable terms with the sort-of-friend and when she goes - if she goes, because she hasn't yet - then to keep having the kids over and let them talk to you as and when they need to.

A growing child needs his or her mum, and if she can't be there, another loving adult woman can help a lot.

I wouldn't Judge

Some women don't want to have kids and the husbands pressure them into this. Ive seen it a lot on my forums.

Problem is, they would feel bad and that is a understatement if they only had kids to keep thr husband happy then when they want to leave for what ever reason they don't want to be left with holding the baby so to speak.

It may seem harsh to those who love kids and only ever wanted to be a mum. But some people loose a lot, and they just don't bond as well to children as you might. If you have ever been trapped in any situation, then you would understand that she has done this as escapism, as she don't have the balls to be upfront. Just weak character tbh. She probably doesn't mean it as bad as you think. Also got to ask. Isnt that sexist to say that the lady should always be child rearer and not the man?

I'm not exactly the earth mother type.
Kids? I can take 'em or leave 'em.
She will be leaving the family with no plan in place, no idea what to do, presumably nothing in place about access, maintenance, and can only talk about what colour scheme she'll be having.

Reading all your replies and having place to vent has been so helpful, thank you.

I definitely can’t tell her DH, he idolizes her and has her on such a pedestal. He has fallen out with all of his own family for her and she keeps him on the edge of her wide social circles too but will always take her side in anything.
When they met, she had been seeing a more “eligible” (by society standards) man but deemed him a “flight risk” because of this. So it always seemed she wanted DH as a project.
Her eldest DD is a fantastic Irish dancer and friend lavishes her with attention and time for competitions but rarely outside that.

I’ve been reading about narcissism which I know is a bit of a buzzword at the moment and I can’t abide to throw these diagnoses around normally but so many things are recognizable.

So adoptive parents don't love their children the same either?

Of course not, I rather scarily felt something close to nothing for the alien being that was placed in my arms after I'd given birth to my first. An adoptive parent might have even had a head start on me in my seriously hormonal situation.

That being said, our bond came to dwarf that of my husband's, despite him being a good father, and that remained the case through the early kid years. I don't think that's unusual. It's not politically correct to say that, I realise, but it's certainly normal from my point of view.

That being said, our bond came to dwarf that of my husband's, despite him being a good father, and that remained the case through the early kid years. I don't think that's unusual

No, because it’s always women that take on the wifework, get up in the night, sahm, go part time, do the nursery runs etc. While dad continues working full time so naturally sees less of the kids.

I have seen many dads with better bonds with their children than the mother does. Usually because they have flexible careers or work from home, so can spend more time with them.

Dh and I are roughly equal as we spend equal time.

It’s nothing special or magical about birth, IME, it’s like all relationships, you get out what you put in.

I think you need to send her a message explaining that this is appalling and you were so shocked when she told you you couldn't formulate a response.
Tell her that you are going to tell her DH, because you cannot let them be hurt by her stupid behaviour.
Fine, if she doesn't want to be in that relationship and do you know what if she resents her children that much she's probably best removed from the situation but this is not how you go about doing it.

Tell her that you are going to tell her DH, because you cannot let them be hurt by her stupid behaviour.

They're going to be hurt as much anyway, you'd just be accelerating the date of the trauma and increasing the risk that she shifts the plan, so that the kids get dumped with the reluctant parent.

Sorry. Wrong thread

This is a horrible situation for you to be in op. I can see that they all mean alot to you especially the children. I just cant imagine her dh wanting anymore contact from you if you know and don't tell him? I know i wouldn't if that was my family. She is a very selfish woman and i would not be able to carry on any friendship with her. I would offer as much support to the husband and children as i could.

If this woman is as hard and cunning as the OP describes (and I know the type quite well) and the OP tells the H and he confronts his wife, she will deny it, accuse the OP of lying, or kick him out as the OP herself says.

This woman is vile by doing is this way. I would say the same thing about a man doing it this way. The kids and spouse should have time to mentally prepare for any separation. Since this is coming out of the blue and after what appears to be a great family celebration it will be a huge shone and disappointment.

The spouse and children will not know what hit them. It will be grief and all the stages of it that they will all face. The three yr old will be lost without his mom. He will understand the least.

It will have devastating effects.

Why does she have to move so far away? It’s fine for her to want out of the marriage. Did you ask her why does it have to be so far away? Can’t she find another property/job within half hour drive so she can see the kids on a regular basis?