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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To judge friend for leaving her children

345 replies

GuiltyJudging · 15/05/2019 13:10

NC and Dailymail are scum.

My best friend of 20 years has confided in me that she plans to leave her DH and DC in two weeks time, once the oldest DCs communion is out of the way.
She has organized a job relocation to a different part of the county and has paid a deposit for a little flat. She’s been planning this a while as she met someone (also married) through work and he plans to follow her when he ties up his loose ends.

She spent an hour on the phone after she’d “let me in on it” excitedly telling me about the decor she’d chosen and talking endlessly about the dress and shoes she’d chosen for a friends wedding next month and gushing about this arsehole who’s also leaving his wife and child.

It hasn’t exactly come from nowhere, even when she didn’t work she had them in full time childcare and never seemed to enjoy motherhood.

I consider myself a feminist but I’m so upset about this, her youngest is only 3.

AIBU to question a 20 year friendship over this?

OP posts:
Eggshellnutmeg · 15/05/2019 21:41

I was the child in this situation, she is a selfish bitch and if you are close then try to be a support for the family that she is leaving behind.

Original poster
GuiltyJudging · 15/05/2019 21:42

Tends to come across as a bit " look how interesting and newsworthy my thread is"!

Oh for goodness sake, I’ve read it lots of times and never thought that.

So what did you say to her, OP, as she was gushing over wedding outfits and decorating colour schemes? Did you say anything about how horrified you were?

I didn’t go with horrified, I was very upset and went through all the “what about...” “what about...” I cried and pleaded with her.
I can’t explain our dynamic but she has a way of bulldozing things over an making you feel like you’re being dramatic.
When she talked about dresses etc I was just saying “I really think you need to think things through” “I can’t believe this..” etc.

It was only afterwards when I’d absorbed it I started feeling angry.

OP posts:
justarandomtricycle · 15/05/2019 21:46

I was the child in this situation, she is a selfish bitch and if you are close then try to be a support for the family that she is leaving behind.

We lost biological DM when I was about the age of youngest DC mentioned and now nearly half a century later the echoes of that trail of destruction are still being felt in our family, it has truly destroyed lives.

Someone who would willingly inflict this on their family not because they died or because of abuse but to service their own gratification is a good argument for the return of shunning in my opinion.

CordeliaWyndamPryce · 15/05/2019 21:54

Judging is absolutely fine, OP. If you are unhappy in your marriage then just leave - before you start shagging someone else! And the kids living with their dad may well be best for them. But pissing off to the other side of the country so you only have to be a Disney Mum is shitty. And yes, I absolutely do think the same about men who do that.

Original poster
GuiltyJudging · 15/05/2019 21:54

My heart breaks for everyone on this thread who has been through this kind of this.
Thank you all for replying, I had half expected to get flamed.

I think I’ll speak to her sister. Her sister is quiet and level headed and has cleaned up many of her messes before. I really can’t keep this to myself but I can’t bring myself to tell her DH, I honestly don’t think he’d believe me anyway

OP posts:
Snugglepumpkin · 15/05/2019 22:12

I was in a similar position & basically woke up one morning to find that I was single, the bank accounts & every possible line of credit had been cleaned out, my possessions had been picked through & choice expensive items were gone etc...
That was the unpleasant surprise that kept on giving for MONTHS after he'd left because you don't go through every item you own to find what is missing all that often.
Sometimes I'd find a massive unpaid bill, or an attachment on the house, other times I'd realise that e.g. the ring my deceased grandmother bought me was gone for good.

I later found out he'd run up a LOT of debt & was running from that but I didn't know that at the time.

There were no children at the time (I was pregnant) to hurt but even though that was now years ago & I'm over it, the bit that hurt the most was the massive shock.
I literally couldn't get off the floor for days & my doctor told me that I was basically grieving as if he had died unexpectedly.

I never got a chance to ask why & I had absolutely no clue it was going to happen & it was devastating.
Especially finding out later that other people knew.
Not a single one of them is someone I would ever speak to again.

What hurt so much was that for me it came out of nowhere & I never got to ask why or anything.
I have made up reasons myself since then, but there is still a little hurt corner of me that needs to know why he thought he had to run.

This woman seems excited & she's planning her 'lovely' future, much like I later found out my ex did.

She is selfish & cruel.

Please give the husband a chance because otherwise one day soon he is going to be in shock because she is gone & there will be a 3 year old there who still needs feeding etc... when he is least capable of dealing with it.

choli · 15/05/2019 22:16

Yes they do and this is a big argument by Menz Rights groups. It also fuels many allegations of alienation of affection that men bring against ex partners. And those allegations are taken seriously and listened to.
As indeed they should be.

JingsMahBucket · 15/05/2019 22:25

@Morgan12
Disgusting. Suppose they are better off without her anyway. She sounds like a total cunt.

There is so much vocabulary of internalized misogyny like this on this thread. So many pitchforks out for this woman.

Original poster
GuiltyJudging · 15/05/2019 22:30

Jings if it was about a man he’d be called the same things! Along with a prick, a bastard etc.
Why are you so determined to make this about gender?

OP posts:
Oliversmumsarmy · 15/05/2019 22:31

I think there is one thing leaving to be with someone else. There is another thing being giddy with happiness and the only thoughts in your head is that of what colour you are going to paint the living room.

This isn’t just about a couple splitting and one side moving away.

Usually there is at least some remorse from the one that is moving and instigating the split with regard to the children being left behind and quite another from this woman who seems more interested in dresses and decor

justarandomtricycle · 15/05/2019 22:32

So many pitchforks out for this woman.

Rightly so, in fact. Men are irrelevant to this topic FYI.

BlackPrism · 15/05/2019 22:41

I think it's more the lack of discussion and preparing the children for her leaving that's so awful.

She's not just leaving her husband, she's dropping a bomb on their lives. He won't have childcare sorted. He's had not warning. The kids won't have had it explained to them.

Cruel.

Popuppippa · 15/05/2019 22:51

I know someone who this happened to when he was 4. His Mum left him and his brother, who I think was 6 at the time. He was utterly traumatised by it and is now a functioning alcoholic. He is an adult with pain etched all over his face and I don't think he has ever come to terms with it. His Mum went on to have a second family with her new man.

I think being abandoned by your Mother is something you'd never get over. My MIL was abandoned in an orphanage and subsequently adopted. It affected her too, but in different ways.

Jasging · 15/05/2019 22:55

She's an absolute bitch. A delusional one. I doubt new man will follow. Wtf is this all about communion? Are you invited? Will she repent her sins afterwards?! Please be there for the dad no matter what.

Valanice1989 · 15/05/2019 23:02

I'm surprised by all the people saying that men do this all the time and it's not seen as a big deal. Men who walk out on their families are seen as the scum of the earth where I live!

nokidshere · 15/05/2019 23:12

I think being abandoned by your Mother is something you'd never get over. My MIL was abandoned in an orphanage and subsequently adopted. It affected her too, but in different ways

I think being abandoned by your mother is something lots of children never get over. Not all children carry lifelong issues from it. You may as well say that all children of single parents are destined to have serious issues because of it and we know that isn't true.

As a parent I can never understand really why a mother would leave her children. But as the child of a mother who left I can honestly say I have no feelings of abandonment, I didn't go off the rails, I don't have low self esteem and I have a reasonably good relationship with my mother now. As do all my siblings.

Do I think she should have told us she was leaving? I was 8 at the time and my youngest sister was just a year old. I'm not altogether sure that knowing she was going to leave 2 months, 2 weeks or 2 days in advance would have made the situation any more tenable to be honest. What would or could we have done in that time?

There is no easy way to leave your child I'm sure but peeling off a sobbing child while they watch you walk away could be far more damaging in the long run.

Marmablade · 15/05/2019 23:16

A classmate's mum did this to him and his sister back in the 80s. It was a complete shock to everyone and I won't lie people were more shocked because it was the mum who did it. I do think the children suffered from not having their mum around but are both lovely well adjusted adults.

I have a 3 year old. My God I can't imagine leaving her.

MamaofAHH · 15/05/2019 23:20

My mother did this when my brother was 3. She didn't move so far away but left and saw us 1 day a week by her own choosing.
Her friends unfortunately didn't judge her, but she's paying the price now as she doesn't have any contact with me or my brother and doesn't know her own grandchildren. Our step mum became a true mum to us. Your friend will pay the price one day, it's a sad lonely life my mother has now.

FuriousVexation · 15/05/2019 23:27

I have not read all pages so apologies if I'm repeating something other posters have said already.

My son was abandoned by his birth mum at 3yrs old. She left to go live with another man she had met on the internet. Turned out he was a paedophile so in retrospect I guess DS was lucky, but it's left him with severe abandonment issues. He is terrified of conflict and is a massive people pleaser, which made him very vulnerable to users during his school years.

I facilitated contact with his birth mum throughout his childhood but in hindsight, given what he has now told me about the abuse she put him through, I heartily wish I had just told her "You want to see him? OK, you drive the 200 mile journey."

She allegedly once visited our city on a church coach trip but didn't bother making arrangements to see him because she was too busy shopping.

She is a classic narcissist, and OP your former friend sounds the same. Very concerned with appearing saintly to her church friends but not actually giving a shit about anyone except herself.

You do not have any influence over her decisions. It sounds like her kids are very close to yours so please have it in your heart to be a loving "aunty" to them.

I would warn her husband but I understand why you don't want to.

Bubblegumgal · 15/05/2019 23:30

@OP it is about Gender though, because if a bloke had did this it wouldn’t even be thread-worthy. They do it all the time & no one judges. I’ve yet to see one thread here about judging men for the same things we jump to judge women for. I don’t agree with your friend, but I also don’t agree on starting a thread about it, unless you would have started one if your friend was a man, which, going off the lack of threads judging men for this, I’m going to assume you wouldn’t. It’s internalised misogyny.

Justaboy · 15/05/2019 23:31

The poor poor children:-(

Justaboy · 15/05/2019 23:33

The poor poor children:-(

GarnierBBCream · 15/05/2019 23:34

I agree, Likamobvie. They might be better off without her. Some parents are also sadly too unwell to care for their children.

Lizzie48 · 15/05/2019 23:38

Why shouldn’t the OP start a thread about this? The woman was her best friend and this has been a big shock to her. It sounds as if it’s more about the friend’s attitude about it, deliriously happy, not at all worried about the hurt she’s going to cause. Not to mention the hypocrisy about the ‘first communion’.

I think if it were a bloke, there wouldn’t be as many posters attempting to defend him, the responses would be universally negative, with words like ‘prick’, ‘bastard’ etc.

justarandomtricycle · 15/05/2019 23:44

I think "what about men" is the only shabby excuse people can come up with for defending this sort of behaviour.

Nobody was applauding men who abandon their children, indeed some of us commented here because we know outcomes of losing a parent and wanted to sympathise with/supporr the OP's feelings on the matter. I don't know if you're trying to salve a guilty conscience or something else, but this is NOT ok because "what about men".