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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To judge friend for leaving her children

345 replies

GuiltyJudging · 15/05/2019 13:10

NC and Dailymail are scum.

My best friend of 20 years has confided in me that she plans to leave her DH and DC in two weeks time, once the oldest DCs communion is out of the way.
She has organized a job relocation to a different part of the county and has paid a deposit for a little flat. She’s been planning this a while as she met someone (also married) through work and he plans to follow her when he ties up his loose ends.

She spent an hour on the phone after she’d “let me in on it” excitedly telling me about the decor she’d chosen and talking endlessly about the dress and shoes she’d chosen for a friends wedding next month and gushing about this arsehole who’s also leaving his wife and child.

It hasn’t exactly come from nowhere, even when she didn’t work she had them in full time childcare and never seemed to enjoy motherhood.

I consider myself a feminist but I’m so upset about this, her youngest is only 3.

AIBU to question a 20 year friendship over this?

OP posts:
SinisterBumFacedCat · 15/05/2019 19:49

If this was a thread about a man leaving I reckon there wouldn’t be as many posters worrying about his mental health and suspecting he’s bipolar though, or have the posters critical of him called a “man hater”.

PeapodBurgundy · 15/05/2019 19:49

@IAmTheChosenOne She does, and she's free to use them. I just can't help judging her for not ensuring the children are okay before she goes. Admittedly my judgement on this one may be clouded by both my biological and step fathers pissing off with no regard for any of their children, much less DM.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 15/05/2019 19:51

YANBU. What type of mother is she.
Those poor poor children. Hopefully it'll bite her on the arse. When she finds out this new life with this new bloke who is also a rat isn't quite the lark shes expecting. A cheat with a cheat. Its not exactly a partnership made in heaven, is it.

OldAndWornOut · 15/05/2019 19:51

I think her wittering on about colour schemes and weddings would mean I couldn't honestly pretend to have any respect for her.
Being ghosted as an adult is horrible, but I can't imagine the damage caused to a child when their mother does it to them.

Riojaandchoc · 15/05/2019 19:52

My father did this sadly, and no, I don’t have any relationship with him whatsoever! However, he’s not alone, lots of men do this exact thing and are free to move on with their life, with very little, if any judgement from society!
I disagree, I think men are (rightly) very much expected to play a far more active parental role now and child abandonment is definitely not acceptable to the vast majority. However many men play the old "the ex has not allowed me to see them card".

Original poster
GuiltyJudging · 15/05/2019 19:54

If this was a thread about a man leaving I reckon there wouldn’t be as many posters worrying about his mental health and suspecting he’s bipolar though, or have the posters critical of him called a “man hater”.

This is actually a really good point!

OP posts:
SnowyAlpsandPeaks · 15/05/2019 20:03

@nokidshere I’m sorry to read your story. I won’t give you flowers will a Wine be okay?
I was ‘bounced’ between parents and grandparents, and I’m now NC with my mother, although only in the last 3 years. I do get what you mean though about having a relationship but not the closeness that other families have. I notice this with dp and his family. They’ll do anything for each other. I look at mine and it’s as though it’s just an ‘act’, and it’s being done because that’s what we are supposed to do.

Original poster
GuiltyJudging · 15/05/2019 20:04

I’m really shocked people are using this as an excuse to bang their gender stereotype drum.
The only people here making gender the biggest issue are you!

OP posts:
JingsMahBucket · 15/05/2019 20:05

The vilification of this woman on this thread is reaching twisted proportions. One PP even said she hopes the woman’s new man abuses her and dumps her. That is massively fucked up. I think this is what several other posters and I are pushing back on. Just because you wouldn’t leave your children with their father and move away doesn’t mean a woman who’s willing to do so is a horrible evil witch who we should wish death upon. Get a grip folks.

OldAndWornOut · 15/05/2019 20:07

Without even any warning to her husband?

crispysausagerolls · 15/05/2019 20:08

What a fucking cunt your friend is!

Original poster
GuiltyJudging · 15/05/2019 20:09

Jings, I know people who have wished death on bastard husbands who left them and their children and an array of other unpleasant things.
It sounds awful now because it’s about a woman but people speak this way about both (way more times about men in my experience)

OP posts:
Aridane · 15/05/2019 20:21

'DM are scum'is put into the thread in an attempt to stop journalists from copying and pasting threads

Tends to come across as a bit " look how interesting and newsworthy my thread is"!

MissConductUS · 15/05/2019 20:26

Her kids will wonder if she left because they weren't good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, etc. That is going to hurt them.

Even if he does leave his wife, which I very much doubt, he'll eventually abandon her when someone younger and pretty comes along. I would stay out of it between her and her husband. It would just put you in the middle of it with no benefit to anyone.

EleanorReally · 15/05/2019 20:29

that is really sad and an awful secret for you op

Mammatino · 15/05/2019 20:29

Ah I get the DM scum thing now, the mouldy food thread has been daily mailed and the OP is really worried about RL parties finding out.

lily2403 · 15/05/2019 20:32

I’m heartbroken for her babies, I couldn’t remain friends with this woman and she would be told exactly what I thought of her...the same if it was a male friends btw

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 15/05/2019 20:34

Some woman and just not made for motherhood and some fathers just not made for fatherhood.

It’s natural to judge and for me not being a main figure in my children’s lives is just completely alien and unimaginable.

Unfortunately I would end end the friendship over this, simply because I could not support her relationship nor could
I endure her children’s pains.

Her “romance” will have an absolutely detrimental effect on her children.

GabsAlot · 15/05/2019 20:35

she doesnt have to go 5 hours away does she even if she wanted to leave and couldnt cope

does she know she'll have to pay cm and facitlitate the visits as shes the one whose moved away?

Aridane · 15/05/2019 20:41

Scum, absolute scum. How anyone can be such an evil bitch is beyond me

Not ideal but, hey, the relationship has run its course, she has another job and location lined up, a new relationship (which hopefully will work out) and is leaving the children with the primary caregiver

Aridane · 15/05/2019 20:45

I hope this other man uses, abuses and dumps her

It probably won't work out - eg he may not finish tidying' loose ends' - but I would hope it's not all for nothing

Aridane · 15/05/2019 20:50

Men do this all the time. What’s the alternative? She chucks her man out and moves her new man in with her children?

Good point

Giraffey1 · 15/05/2019 20:57

So what did you say to her, OP, as she was gushing over wedding outfits and decorating colour schemes? Did you say anything about how horrified you were?

AlaskanOilBaron · 15/05/2019 20:58

It's worse when a mother leaves, because it really carries a stigma for the children left behind.

To say nothing of the fact that men catch loads of shit for leaving families behind (as well they should).

Your friend is dumb for thinking this guy is going to join her, and heartless to leave her children.

AlaskanOilBaron · 15/05/2019 20:59

Men do this all the time. What’s the alternative? She chucks her man out and moves her new man in with her children?

Couldn't possibly be that she prioritises her children and puts her romance on the back burner.