To judge friend for leaving her children

[GuiltyJudging]

NC and Dailymail are scum.

My best friend of 20 years has confided in me that she plans to leave her DH and DC in two weeks time, once the oldest DCs communion is out of the way.
She has organized a job relocation to a different part of the county and has paid a deposit for a little flat. She’s been planning this a while as she met someone (also married) through work and he plans to follow her when he ties up his loose ends.

She spent an hour on the phone after she’d “let me in on it” excitedly telling me about the decor she’d chosen and talking endlessly about the dress and shoes she’d chosen for a friends wedding next month and gushing about this arsehole who’s also leaving his wife and child.

It hasn’t exactly come from nowhere, even when she didn’t work she had them in full time childcare and never seemed to enjoy motherhood.

I consider myself a feminist but I’m so upset about this, her youngest is only 3.

AIBU to question a 20 year friendship over this?

@ShesABelter I agree it is not the same, and I really do believe the woman the op is referring to should be open and honest about the situation with her husband, but I do feel judged harshly by people who don't know my circumstances. Whether I'm right to feel that way or not is inconsequential. I think society has not quite got their head around the shift in courts view of ensuring 50/50 residence, or the father getting full residence if that is what is in the best interests of the child.

Sorry OP, y post reads like I’m being rude and I didn’t mean it that way. I was just wondering whether you got steamrollered, or literally didn’t know what to say when you were on the spot, as it were.

How anyone can leave their children is beyond me. Horrible, selfish bitch.

I think it is heartbreaking for her children, but I would leave her to it and be ready to support her husband and the children.

She has already mentally checked out of her marriage and her family, pulling the rug out from under her won't lead to a happy ever after or a change of heart.

That's just heart breaking to read. 3? God she won't understand at all. I couldn't leave my children if you put a gun to my head. You'd have to pull the trigger.

It's worse when a mother leaves, because it really carries a stigma for the children left behind

This. As a society we judge women far more.

When my friend went to a solicitor seeking RP when he found out his ex had an affair, pretty much everyone told him he was wrong “taking the kids off their mother”.

Nobody ever comments that a female RP “takes the kids off their father”.

I think that’s where the feminism bit comes in, and where we need to make it socially unacceptable for anyone, m or f, to up and leave their kids.

Fact is though, one person will have to leave, even in a civil separation. There’s no way round it. From a logical point of view I don’t agree with the default female parent, we should look at who the kids are best with, regardless of sex.

But as a female i also want to cling to the convention that means it’s very unlikely i would be RP, even though i work full time and dp pt.

Yep i was coming. To say the same.

Many many men do the same. Leave to another town and see their dcs EOW. No one is claiming they are awful for abandoning their dcs. But rather that they are good fathers as they are still involved....

I’m not that concerned about that.
I have more issues with the cheating and the total dissociation. It actually looks like she hasn’t been in love with her DH for a long time.
Basically, I suspect there is more to meet the eyes. But this doesn’t make cheating right. Nor does it make it ok to not talk at all to your spouse about your plans.

*wouldn’t

My "mother" did this.

I was 12, my younger brother was 3 and my sister in the middle. None of us have really got over it, I've now been nc with her for 13 years and it's been such a weight off my shoulders. I'm very lucky to have an amazing stepmum and a great mil, but that doesn't heal the hole left by being abandoned.

She's scum.

It's quite shocking, but I could never, ever judge someone until I'd walked a mile in their shoes. If she is that distant from the children already, it might be best to go now, rather than them grow up with a mother who detests them.

Disgraceful and so so sad. Even on my worst days I'd never leave my children.

I think that’s where the feminism bit comes in, and where we need to make it socially unacceptable for anyone, m or f, to up and leave their kids.

This is slightly disconnected from the reality of separation and divorce (I think you've alluded to this).

As for condemning men who leave their families - am I wrong to say, job done?

As for a divorce, when, as you say - one person must leave - I don't think there are many even ardent feminists who would say ok ex-husband- I think you should take them.

So yes, the kids suffer mightily when their mother leaves because it's usually their primary caregiver, the person who understands their uniform and what sort of food they like, who their teachers are and so forth.

My husband is a great dad, he's as emotionally in tune with my kids as I am (now that they're older), but if we were to divorce, I'd have custody and he would agree.

I wonder if the mum is planning on paying maintenance for her kids?

I wonder how she is going to tell them, and what she thinks it will do to their relationship.

It's not up to me to judge but my guess is in the long run she will really, really regret walking out on her kids.

Disgusting. Suppose they are better off without her anyway. She sounds like a total cunt.

Many many men do the same. Leave to another town and see their dcs EOW. No one is claiming they are awful for abandoning their dcs. But rather that they are good fathers as they are still involved....

I think you're hanging out with people who have incredibly low standards. Or maybe, people who are so right on they've forgotten how to judge right from wrong.

Can't believe the youngest is 3. She's leaving a baby.

My BIL’s exW did very similar. She left him and their DS and ended up moving to London from Lincolnshire. She’d had PND which she never recovered from and hadn’t really bonded with her DS.

It worked out fine. His dad married again (to my DSis) 3 years later and she became his primary caregiver for several years, being a SAHM with 3 DC of her own eventually, whilst he travelled to see his mum EOW, the handover taking place at motorway services.

His mum married again and had 2 further DSs with her second DH. They’ve since divorced and she moved back to be near her oldest DS.

My DSis’s DSS has grown up into a fine young man, married with his own DC and he’s joined the army. So it doesn’t have to be the end of the world when a mum walks out, and the relationship with mum doesn’t have to be permanently damaged. But I think a lot of credit has to go to my BIL for never saying anything negative about her and also to my DSis for being his primary caregiver during his adolescence, whilst being very careful not to undermine his mum.

My mum left us when I was around 14/15. She was mentally unwell and we were better off without her.
How you describe your friend is definitely how I would describe my mother, I still think it would have been better for all if she had left when I was younger. My main trauma regarding my childhood is the obvious distain she had for me. If she's going to be this mother it's good she's recognised that and can hopefully focus on being a better part time parent.

If she's as wiley and sly as you say, is there a chance that you're being played in all this too?

I say this because if she knows you very well then I'd have thought she'd predict how you'd react to all this.

Maybe she wants you to tell her DH so that a) you do it for her and save her a difficult conversation b) she can boot her DH (and maybe kids) out of the house and move OM in. So it's a win win for her right?

Interesting to see how many women expect to have the dcs in case of divorce.
I wouldn’t.
I wouod want to be in their life but seeing that I would struggle to live on my own (physical health issues), I’d rather see them with their father and me EOW rather than with me having to take on more tan they should at least or act ass a carer at worst.
The issue would be that H would expect ME to have the dcs.....

But I think a lot of credit has to go to my BIL for never saying anything negative about her and also to my DSis for being his primary caregiver during his adolescence, whilst being very careful not to undermine his mum.

This in spades.

People who think children don't know, or hear, all the awful things said about the parent who has left are deluding themselves.

...she met someone (also married) through work and he plans to follow her when he ties up his loose ends.

I hope she is practicing holding her breath for a long, long time.

GuiltyJudging you are NBU to question the friendship. Your 'friend' as put you in an awful position watching those poor children and the husband going on with their lives which are about to be turned upside down.

I knew someone who did this, decades ago - woman pushed and pushed her husband to emigrate to Australia with their two sons, and they managed to pass all the necessary interviews, meet all conditions to do so. Off they went and within the year she had taken up with some surfer she met on the beach, moved in with him, filed for divorce, and refused to consider moving back (to Dublin), so her exH was left stranded without friends or family support in a new country, with two little boys to bring up while juggling his new job and dealing with culture shock on top of the devastation of being dumped and the effect on the children. They were old neighbours and when news filtered back there were choice words spoken about this woman.

An uncle by marriage was also abandoned by his mother and brought up by his father, way back in the 1920s in Wales. He was the loveliest man, clearly brought up by a decent parent, but my aunt felt he had never really got over it in many ways.

Nobody ever comments that a female RP “takes the kids off their father”.

Yes they do and this is a big argument by Menz Rights groups. It also fuels many allegations of alienation of affection that men bring against ex partners. And those allegations are taken seriously and listened to.

My brothers partner has just done similar to him.
3 kids together (2 biologically his), been together 11yr and she announces she don’t like the life anymore, she doesn’t want to play happy families anymore, has an affair with a married woman and flings with numerous men, gets herself a house and sods off.

Leaving my brother to raise the kids! Including hers from a previous relationship!
She’s arguing mid life crisis type thing. I would perhaps sympathise if she hadn’t of abandoned her own kids!

Your friends husband and kids deserve so much more OP.

For me it wouldn't be so much about judging (I could be non-judgmental about most things) but about the core underlying person who would do this and whether I could be friends with them.

A mother who willingly abandons DC that young, where there is literally no reason to beyond her own enjoyment of life is an actual piece of shit, and if someone did this I couldn't be friends with them.

She must be questioning it, surely. I would go all in and tell her she needs to re-think it, and not pull any punches because think of the DC. It's not like you've lost anything if you lose the friendship of someone who would do this.