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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To judge friend for leaving her children

345 replies

GuiltyJudging · 15/05/2019 13:10

NC and Dailymail are scum.

My best friend of 20 years has confided in me that she plans to leave her DH and DC in two weeks time, once the oldest DCs communion is out of the way.
She has organized a job relocation to a different part of the county and has paid a deposit for a little flat. She’s been planning this a while as she met someone (also married) through work and he plans to follow her when he ties up his loose ends.

She spent an hour on the phone after she’d “let me in on it” excitedly telling me about the decor she’d chosen and talking endlessly about the dress and shoes she’d chosen for a friends wedding next month and gushing about this arsehole who’s also leaving his wife and child.

It hasn’t exactly come from nowhere, even when she didn’t work she had them in full time childcare and never seemed to enjoy motherhood.

I consider myself a feminist but I’m so upset about this, her youngest is only 3.

AIBU to question a 20 year friendship over this?

OP posts:
Northernparent68 · 15/05/2019 13:26

Could you persuade her to at least stay in the area ?

hidinginthenightgarden · 15/05/2019 13:26

Judge away!
What an awful thing to do to your children.
I alos would be planning to tell the husband although I think I would struggle. I would do it for the sake of the kids though.

MamaRaisingBoys · 15/05/2019 13:26

I know someone who did this when her youngest was 4. Said she’d had enough of being a parent. I was only a kid when we met (dmums friend) and never liked her. She’s an alcoholic now but her kids have forgiven her. They’re all adults now and seem to have a good relationship with her.

lunar1 · 15/05/2019 13:26

Honestly, it's impossible to not judge a parent, man or woman for abandoning their children.

I would tell her husband as well. She's about to completely destroy her children's childhood and she's preoccupied with decorating! She wouldn't be my friend.

Handsoffmysweets · 15/05/2019 13:27

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Monkeyssplit · 15/05/2019 13:27

She was a great woman before this, was she?

Fluffycloudland77 · 15/05/2019 13:28

Yeah I’m sure he’ll tie up his loose ends to join her 🤪.

WYP2018 · 15/05/2019 13:28

I would sacrifice the friendship and tell the husband. Give him some chance to prepare and make things as easy as possible for the children. How awful.

HelveticaSurprise · 15/05/2019 13:29

Feminism has no bearing on abandoning your children. Hmm

OP, are you sure she's not just fantasising? The getting a job and a flat in another part of the country on the sly seems too Machiavellian from someone who seems obsessed with decor and dresses and who genuinely believes the OM is going to follow her to her little magnolia bower of bliss.

hsegfiugseskufh · 15/05/2019 13:29

i'd judge as well whether she was a woman or a bloke, DS is 3 and he would be absolutely devastated if either of us were to just up and leave and not see him. Awful - they don't get it at that age.

I'd bet the guy she's leaving for doesn't leave his wife either.

higgyhog · 15/05/2019 13:31

I strongly suspect the new boyfriend will not actually "tie up the lose ends" and follow her.

nokidshere · 15/05/2019 13:32

Her children will never get over this

Children can, and do, get over stuff like this and much worse.

Obviously they shouldn't have to and clearly it's a shitty thing to do. Hopefully they have a loving and involved father who will be much better for them than someone who doesn't even like being a parent and is not maternal at all.

I wouldn't tell him though. She might get cold feet, he might change his mind, the job might fall through. There are any number of reasons that it might not actually happen.

NellieEllie · 15/05/2019 13:32

I’d not want anything to do with her. I’d tell the husband, no dilemma. To leave a 3 year old and be able to get excited over interior decor. Vile.

WhatTheWatersShowedMe · 15/05/2019 13:33

Those poor kids! They will never get over being abandoned by their mum like that.

She sounds like a complete idiot. There's no way the other man will be following her.

GarnierBBCream · 15/05/2019 13:33

Tell her husband. Dump her.

PinkHeartLovesCake · 15/05/2019 13:33

Anyone abandoning child is a piece of rubbish quite frankly, regardless of it they have a cock or vagina.

To start fucking someone else and then move miles away leaving your dc is horrible. Some people should not be allowed to have dc!

Ivestoppedreadingthenews · 15/05/2019 13:34

Agree with everyone else. It’s a despicable thing to do to your children (as a father or mother). Women absolutely do not want to be aspiring to ‘equality’ of awfulness in this area! Those poor kids Sad

eggsandwich · 15/05/2019 13:34

My step mil did this and now many years later is full of remorse at abandoning her 4 children the youngest I believe was 7 or 8 at the time so fully aware that mum had up and gone.

She now wonders why and cry’s that her two youngest children who are now adults want nothing to do with her, fil told me all this and asked my take on it all, I just said you must understand why they want nothing to do with her surely, he went very quite.

cricketmum84 · 15/05/2019 13:35

I would judge and not even be sorry.

There's plenty of people who will come along with the whole being a friend means not judging bollocks but I'm afraid I prefer to be friends with people who hold the same moral and family values as me.

She sounds like a prize twat.

Hopeygoflightly · 15/05/2019 13:36

I would find this hard to stomach from a friend, male or female. There's clearly more to it, is her mental health okay? I have a friend who's bi-polar and has massive ups - going to change her life, walked out of a job to start her own imaginary business, all going to be amazeballs - and then big downs when it doesn't work out. She's not walked out on her kid though, but the poor little bugger does get left to his own devices a lot, luckily the dad is more stable.

GiveMyHeadPeaceffs · 15/05/2019 13:38

My ds is 3 and I couldn't imagine ever leaving him for any reason let alone a man.

I'd judge the ass off this situation and frankly I'd tell her what I thought and cut all ties with her.

I'd also contact her DH and offer him my support.

Asta19 · 15/05/2019 13:39

Sorry but I'm going to put political correctness aside. In "most" cases, it is far far worse when the mum leaves. I know because I have been the child in that situation. A dad leaving is a (sadly) not uncommon scenario but a mum leaving is. To know that the woman who gave birth to you does not want you anymore is not just hurtful, it's very psychologically damaging. My dad then went on to do things to me that no child should have to suffer and I had no one to tell. Of course I am not saying all single dads act that way but how a woman can walk out and leave her kids like that, I will never understand.

I agree with pp's, for me the friendship would be over anyway so I would tell the husband.

TheInvestigator · 15/05/2019 13:39

Tell the husband. If there were no kids then I'd say keep out of it but he needs to know so he can protect them and also make sure he is available to be with them throughout the immediate aftermath when she disappears.

PennyMordauntsLadyBrain · 15/05/2019 13:40

I aspire to her optimism tbh- that’s the only excuse for falling for the “he’s promised he’s leaving her after Christmas/kids finish GCSEs/Brexit” line.

Honestly, it’s the oldest cliche in the book.

Nearlythere1 · 15/05/2019 13:40

I would tell the husband, but if she does end up staying, I would also be prepared for her to be bitter and resentful of him and their children. I think in this situation they should definitely split up and he should stick to his guns about it. I don't know, what a mess.

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