To judge friend for leaving her children

[GuiltyJudging]

NC and Dailymail are scum.

My best friend of 20 years has confided in me that she plans to leave her DH and DC in two weeks time, once the oldest DCs communion is out of the way.
She has organized a job relocation to a different part of the county and has paid a deposit for a little flat. She’s been planning this a while as she met someone (also married) through work and he plans to follow her when he ties up his loose ends.

She spent an hour on the phone after she’d “let me in on it” excitedly telling me about the decor she’d chosen and talking endlessly about the dress and shoes she’d chosen for a friends wedding next month and gushing about this arsehole who’s also leaving his wife and child.

It hasn’t exactly come from nowhere, even when she didn’t work she had them in full time childcare and never seemed to enjoy motherhood.

I consider myself a feminist but I’m so upset about this, her youngest is only 3.

AIBU to question a 20 year friendship over this?

A woman I knew from ds's nursery (a few years ago) had 4 children, banged on about being an earth mother then got bored and left her children and dh to find herself travelling. Children's ages ranged from 13 to 4. That family were totally devastated. If I ever find her I wont be responsible for my actions.

Tilly what a weird thing for you to say...her family is not your concern and to suggest you "won't be responsible for your actions" is just over-involved and odd.

you are always responsible for your actions.

Who are these people who ‘don’t blink an eye’ Or don’t judge or who aren’t appalled if a man does this?

Because I don’t know anyone who wouldn’t be appalled if a father abandoned his children, shifted to a seaside town and blithely declared fatherhood wasn’t for them after all.

It’s disgusting behaviour - of the fictitious men cited and of this woman. And this desire to excuse her by racing to to the bottom of possible human behaviour is awful.

Children aren’t a car you can return because you discover driving isn’t really for you . They are a responsibility you can’t opt out of - who doesn’t have moments in parenthood when you think ‘Jesus Christ is it all really worth it.’? If her marriage is over then she needs to act as an adult and address that with her husband. If they both decide he would make the better resident parent - great. What she shouldn’t do is pretend her current responsibilities don’t exist and abscond to a fictitious fantasy life leaving destruction and chaos in her wake.

Yes your friend is an absolute cow leaving her kids, fair enough if you want to end your marriage, but walking away from your children as well?

Sorry if I was blunt @GuiltyJudging but I think you have every right to be judging her.

There’s an old fashioned word for this I think a”bolter”. Princess Diana’s mother did this and that’s how she was described. An ex boyfriends friend was having an affair with a married woman and she was making plans to leave her dh and two pre schoolers to move continents with him. It does happen. Not sure the kids ever recover psychologically.

I think it's the lack of sadness on the mum's part I just cannot process.
Can we not admit that because we created our little Baba's in our wombs,.fed.and nurtured them through those first few years that most women have this life long tie to our children. It just goes against the grain of our natural desires , not to love our children and dare I say it, men just don't have the same . That's not to say they don't love at all, my dh would die for our children but it's just not the same. I can't explain it.
We are always tuned into our kids. I could hear a muffled sound from upstairs and know which child is mooching and dh wouldn't hear it. I understand instinctively what my baby needs when they make a sound but dh wouldn't interpret it as quickly. Words cannot explain the deeper connection a mother has to her child, she breathes/inhales every ounce of them. So for a mother to willingly abandon her children without a seconds thought is just horrendous.
I cannot comprehend a man leaving his children, I've turned my back on such men and have also told them what I think at the time but I think if I knew someone like this I probably would just want to punch her. I don't give a fuck for misogyny, women hater labels or stereotyping, I just hope these kids can learn to move on as best they can.
TBH, I would tell the husband, even if it's Anon, she is going anyway and he needs to prepare financially and emotionally before he let's her know he knows. He badly needs his ducks in a row because frankly she will get there first.

Definitely tell her husband. If it was you, you would want to know wouldn’t you? He needs to be prepared so he knows what to tell the kids and to think about childcare arrangements, and to empty the bank account if he wishes. But also suggest to him that he doesn’t tell her he knows. Just in case it’s all part of a plan to get him to move out. She sounds really devious and nasty.

There’s an old fashioned word for this I think a”bolter”. Princess Diana’s mother did this and that’s how she was described. An ex boyfriends friend was having an affair with a married woman and she was making plans to leave her dh and two pre schoolers to move continents with him. It does happen. Not sure the kids ever recover psychologically.

I would not be friends with anyone willing to abandon their children, as presumably they do not have a heart. And I'm no Wizard of Oz.

I also think she is being very naive if she thinks the other man is going to follow her. Tying up loose ends? You are totally right to judge, those poor children.

GuiltyJudging I am really glad you tried to persuade your 'friend' of the fact this is a terrible course of action.

She is going to devastate those children.

One day she will look back, I think, and realise that she has made a massive mistake.

Those poor kids. And that poor husband.

Those are the people with whom my sympathy lies. Your friend is knowingly ruining their lives for a silly fling.

it is about Gender though, because if a bloke had did this it wouldn’t even be thread-worthy. They do it all the time & no one judges.

I’m honestly dumbfounded to read this. We must live on completely different planets! Have you never ventured over to them relationships board?
What on earth kind of circles do you swim in?! In my life anyone who is having an affair and secretly planning to move across the country dropping all regular contact with their children with no notice whatsoever, would be totally vilified! I’m really honestly shocked you think otherwise

I’m sorry to only focus on the negative in a sea of supportive and helpful comments I’m just so gobsmacked that this is being turned into a gender row when there are children between 3 and 8 who are soon to be abandoned out of the blue by a parent!

Just ignore those posters @GuiltyJudging

It's as clear as the day is long that "what about the menz?" is about the most logical and thought out response that they can manage. I wouldn't take their viewpoint seriously.

Thanks @Huggybear16 you are right.

I’m going to visit the sister today and tell her.

I'd any parent for doing that. I can actually think of more women than men who have done it. I have a friend who about ten years ago was planning on doing this. I felt paralysed as I had no idea what to do. Luckily he changed his mind so she stayed with her family. We've never spoken about it again.

I think that's a good idea. Maybe she will have some ideas on how to deal with this.

You're "friend" is unbelievable.

My son will be 3 soon - same age as her youngest. I can't imagine what it would do to him if I did what she is planning.

Definitely do not tell the DH, the kids will no doubt need you in some way as you're a permanent fixture in their life. I imagine if you did she would say you were lying, and possibly stop the kids from coming to yours, purely due to her being so stupidly impulsive and angry that you had blown all her 'idyllic and pretty' plans.

How on earth you're supposed to tell her she's a complete twunt after she dumps this info on you on the spur of a moment whim I have no idea. I would have tried to be sensible but I'd have probably not been able to convey everything.

She is not thinking about her children at all. Regardless of how she is they will absolutely love her. She's beyond selfish, and the pain she will inflict on her family is beyond cruel.

Some people can't handle the responsibility of being a parent. My father couldn't, luckily I have amazing role models in my life, hopefully you will be the same for these poor kids.

So I would try speaking to her sister, but I'd also prepare for her going. She needs to understand the enormity of this situation, but she won't get it as only her happiness matters to her.

Guilty people would have a major issue with a man having an affair and planning to move away the way your friend is doing.

They wouldn’t bat an eye lid at a man moving away for work after a split and seeing his dcs EOW. Because that's the norm.

Your title was about that second point. Your friend leaving her dcs with her (soon to be) ex whilst she goes away making her own life the way she wants.
Which is exactly what most fathers do. Wo a backward glances. And what people would find normal.

And Tbh, whilst I have major issue with anyone planning to move wo even telling their H about it, having an affair etc... I am much less problem with a woman leaving the dcs with a loving dad.

My friend moved out as her husband refused to leave the house. She went back every morning and evening to make breakfast and dinner and included her ex.

She even cooked Xmas lunch until about three years ago... that was almost 25 years on until we explained she did not need to play happy families.

None of her children have ever been told what a philandering so and so her husband was and how he totally screwed her over in their divorce.

So no, I do not judge your friend, now more than ever she needs your support, this will not have been an easy decision to take.

I had a “friend” who did similar, she left 2 kids under 9 and fucked off with someone she met at uni (did her course late )
I no longer speak to her ,she disgusts me .

She’s an arsehole. I could never be friends with someone who did that.

OldBean2 but that doesn’t sound like the same scenario at all ..
1- she doesn’t sound sad from what op said.
2- she is moving to a different part of the country so can’t “pop back”
And 3- she’s the one cheating !